I just want to live my life without his interruptions.

[Depression = 72% of members]

He has done so many things to me and still I am able to forgive and forget. Why is he, after all these years apart and NC still talking trash about me behind my back. It is like he wants to be RIGHT so bad about me that he is searching for allies to sooth his anger. I also think he can't move on. But why not? I was this incredibly horrible person so why can't he be happy that I am out of his life. Is this a BPD thing? Can someone please clarify what is going on here. I am doing fine and I hate that I have to feel down all over again just cause his hate is consuming him and he wants to share it with the world. Do they ever move on?

[WishIKnew82]

He has done so many things to me and still I am able to forgive and forget. Why is he, after all these years apart and NC still talking trash about me behind my back. It is like he wants to be RIGHT so bad about me that he is searching for allies to sooth his anger. I also think he can't move on. But why not? I was this incredibly horrible person so why can't he be happy that I am out of his life. Is this a BPD thing? Can someone please clarify what is going on here. I am doing fine and I hate that I have to feel down all over again just cause his hate is consuming him and he wants to share it with the world. Do they ever move on?

[pearlsw]

Hi WishIKnew82,

How is this getting back to you?

warmly, pearl.

[JNChell]

Hi WIK82. I wish I had an all encompassing, definitive answer for you. Maybe we should reflect on what was all encompassing and definitive in our relationships with partners that have left us reeling. I’m sorry that you’re having these feelings, and I know that they hurt. I relate. pwBPD, as well as other Cluster B’s, carry a large amount of shame in their psyche. They also have a very, very difficult time with self-reflection and admitting when they’ve been wrong. I should add that the bigger the atrocity committed=a larger amount of shame=a larger amount of denial (deflecting/projecting). Along with this, try to understand his emotional mentality/emotional maturity.

I’m not an expert. I’m struggling through this like you. From what I’m learning on this site, he may be doing this because he is well aware of how he treated you, but he is not able to accept it. He is defending his emotions. Accepting what he has done to you would cause him to have to look at himself as being wrong and causing you pain. If he is BPD, he can’t bare to do this. So what does he do with all of that emotional energy that he is unable to take responsibility for? It has to go somewhere. He may very well feel that he has to devalue or destroy what he already has. What he is doing is suppressing the damage he has done through validation. Unless he seeks treatment, this will never stop for him.

It’s very hard to not take their smearing personally, but try not to. The ones that believe them at face value are probably better off out of your life anyway. These folks will go to any length to be validated. They lack empathy and compassion, so they can’t hold your feelings in regard.

I have no idea what moving on means for this PD. In my own personal experience, I allow her to stay and to continue having a negative affect on my life because of me. I’m having a difficult time detaching. I’m in her pocket without even being with her. Does that make sense? We are where we allow ourselves to be. How are you handling moving on from him? It can be helpful to express it. It can also be helpful to others here to hear more about your situation. Thanks for posting!

[WishIKnew82]

Hi WishIKnew82,

How is this getting back to you?

warmly, pearl.

I wish I could say but it is a very specific way. And I think if he saw it with all of my other posts he can put 2 and 2 together and know it is me.

[WishIKnew82]

Hi WIK82.
I have no idea what moving on means for this PD. In my own personal experience, I allow her to stay and to continue having a negative affect on my life because of me. I’m having a difficult time detaching. I’m in her pocket without even being with her. Does that make sense? We are where we allow ourselves to be. How are you handling moving on from him? It can be helpful to express it. It can also be helpful to others here to hear more about your situation. Thanks for posting!

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It has been a uphill battle but I am getting there. That is why it is so frustrating that his views are the exact same as they were last time I spoke to him. YEARS ago. So knowing about these views of him brings me back to that exact time period where I was so obsessed with trying to change his mind about me. It feels terrible if someone just makes you out to be this horrible person. I already accepted that his feelings are his rationality. There is no way to differentiate the two. He can't think any different then what he is feeling. I also thin that he has been thinking about us and that it triggered something in him which made him express it again. I don't know what happened in his life. He probably blames me for everything that is going wrong.

I try not take the smearing personal. I have also known for years now that he does a lot of projecting. He also rumanites a lot. So if he feels all the shame and thinking about me moving on he probably does not know how to deal with those feelings. The insane thing is. After all of this. I would give him closure if he just tries to accept that it went the way it went. Lets just share the blame. But he is so obsessed on being right, he will feel like this forever. I know he will if he doesn't seek help. And that even makes me sad for him.

It is good to read that you've been feeling those kind of feelings too. And that the only one who can change the connection you're feeling with that person is yourself. And I try to do that. I guess I just thought I was further along then I really was.

[JNChell]

You did the right thing in coming here. May I ask how you are aware that he is still smearing you since the two of you have been apart for quite some time now? Do you share mutual friends? I would give almost anything to not have to engage my ex, but we have a child together. What is it that keeps you engaged with your ex?

[WishIKnew82]

You did the right thing in coming here. May I ask how you are aware that he is still smearing you since the two of you have been apart for quite some time now? Do you share mutual friends? I would give almost anything to not have to engage my ex, but we have a child together. What is it that keeps you engaged with your ex?

I've been doing quite fine the last year or so. It is just that everytime I hear he is still in that same place with those same views that it gets me down for a bit. Years ago I would get really sad and depressed about it. I am much stronger now and it doesn't get to me as much. I found out about it in a specific way which I don't want to disclose since I truly believe he may as well be active on boards like these. He is very convinced that I am the one with a personality disorder. And still is trying to convince people of my evilness. Will he ever snap out of that and just take a different approach. I don't like going through life knowing someone is badmouthing me. Why can't he move on and just shut up about it. Your point before makes sense since he really did some VERY teribble things to me and I feel like him being the sensitive soul that he is can't deal with all he has done to me and decides to sooth those feelings with anger and finding people to agree with him.

I haven't spoken to him in years so there is no engaging. It is just these things that always get to me. The unfairness of it all. I am sure it is way harder for you since you have a child together. So I should probably be glad that at least I don't have that kind of long term connection with him. I am just bitter about it. Giving all and tryng to pick yourself up only to be reminded that he still hates my guts. I would love for him to be indifferent towards me.

Thanks for listening!   

[MeandThee29]

Hi WIK82. I wish I had an all encompassing, definitive answer for you. Maybe we should reflect on what was all encompassing and definitive in our relationships with partners that have left us reeling. I’m sorry that you’re having these feelings, and I know that they hurt. I relate. pwBPD, as well as other Cluster B’s, carry a large amount of shame in their psyche. They also have a very, very difficult time with self-reflection and admitting when they’ve been wrong. I should add that the bigger the atrocity committed=a larger amount of shame=a larger amount of denial (deflecting/projecting). Along with this, try to understand his emotional mentality/emotional maturity.

I’m not an expert. I’m struggling through this like you. From what I’m learning on this site, he may be doing this because he is well aware of how he treated you, but he is not able to accept it. He is defending his emotions. Accepting what he has done to you would cause him to have to look at himself as being wrong and causing you pain. If he is BPD, he can’t bare to do this. So what does he do with all of that emotional energy that he is unable to take responsibility for? It has to go somewhere. He may very well feel that he has to devalue or destroy what he already has. What he is doing is suppressing the damage he has done through validation. Unless he seeks treatment, this will never stop for him.

Yes, people with BPD get a sense of power by smearing. They have to feel in the right and shaming you is part of what they do. They also love being a victim instead of just accepting their situation and dealing with it. Other than a few close friends and my church leadership, people know very little about what happened. I guess because I'm relatively healthy psychologically, I don't see the point. We separated twice, and he lives many several states away. That pretty much covers it for most people.

I was close to his side of the family, but gave up this fall when the patriarch said "it's simple, just forgive each other." They only hear his side and make silly suggestions to him like sending me flowers to open me up. He even blamed me for making his relationship somewhat rocky with them as they push for reconciliation without a third party involved. One of the SIL's says that she says ugly things when she has a migraine (examples: you're better off without me, why did you ever marry me, etc. etc.), and she doesn't understand why her husband forgives, and I don't. I have, but I don't trust my pwBPD. He also claims not to remember the really ugly things he said and claims that I'm making them up (examples: you deserve to die alone, remarriage will be a disaster, he deserves a better woman, etc. etc.).

No way would I leave our young adults here and move there to reconcile with him, which is what he wants. He doesn't believe in counselling. I know how that would go. I'd be roasted and blamed without him taking much responsibility. He recently said that he wouldn't forgive me until I became a dedicated wife who made his happiness my #1 priority. Imagine how long that will take.

[MeandThee29]

He is very convinced that I am the one with a personality disorder. And still is trying to convince people of my evilness. Will he ever snap out of that and just take a different approach. I don't like going through life knowing someone is badmouthing me. Why can't he move on and just shut up about it. Your point before makes sense since he really did some VERY teribble things to me and I feel like him being the sensitive soul that he is can't deal with all he has done to me and decides to sooth those feelings with anger and finding people to agree with him.
Thanks for listening!   

Yes, very typical to diagnose the non with a personality disorder and more. I've been to three counsellors in the last year for difference aspects of this, and they all said that I'm codependent (no surprise), but no signs of the cluster disorders. My mother had NPD, and he's accused me over-and-over of that, but my scores are way on the low side there. My pwBPD has offered over and over to "help" me with my problems. I know how that would go. He says that he doesn't need counselling at all.

The clinical psychologist that has treated us all for years predicts that he will find another woman at some point, so that's my out.

[WishIKnew82]

Yes, very typical to diagnose the non with a personality disorder and more. I've been to three counsellors in the last year for difference aspects of this, and they all said that I'm codependent (no surprise), but no signs of the cluster disorders. My mother had NPD, and he's accused me over-and-over of that, but my scores are way on the low side there. My pwBPD has offered over and over to "help" me with my problems. I know how that would go. He says that he doesn't need counselling at all.

The clinical psychologist that has treated us all for years predicts that he will find another woman at some point, so that's my out.

This sounds so familiar. In his calm moments he would tell me that if I just was honest about my condition he would be there for me but I first had to acknowledge that I had a problem. I did have a problem. He was it     He also was convinced that if I did decide to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist and they didn't diagnose me with borderline and/or narcissism that I was probably manipulating them too. In the end I would just nod and claim he was right. Just to make it stop. It really is mental imprisonment. I am probably co-dependent too and absolutely need to work on that. He, like yours, would tell me I deserved to die alone after a sad lonely life.

I never smeared him though. Im glad I didn't. I don't know if we are allowed to share videos on here but I found this mans videos helpfull. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V495W0l8Ubs

I hope you find a way out in a healthy way. As soon as they are distracted with someone else, that is your sign to leave and distance yourself.