Exhausted about false accusations

[Raza66]

I am a mother-in-law with a daughter in law with undiagnosed traits of BPD & npd.
They have been together 6 years, married for 4. They now have a lil 2 year old boy that we're afraid for. She goes on yelling & screaming rants for hours. She is unpredictable. She is being very successful at isolating our son and grandson from us. She has gone on rages in public chastising myself and husband just on February 16 at a mall.  Initially I thought this bizarre and accusations usually unfounded and now just learning about BPD and npd. My sons' therapist recommended the book "Splitting" so both my husband and I read it... .Very scary. Or Son had filed  for divorce but now's she convinced him to try for more counseling. She projects and blames our son and myself for their bad relationship.
On a rant in June she screamed I would never see my son or grandson again.
We are feeling very exhausted from many years of manipulation and not sure if we should end of relationship with our son. He is clinically depressed so we want to support him but we are physically and mentally exhausted from all the drama and manipulation. My son and I were extremely close 6 years ago and his wife has successfully destroyed my relationship, his sister's relationship and his dad's relationship with our son... .Now discovering all this... .HELP.

[Pina colada]

Hi Raza66 and you are at a good place.  I am sorry you are having troubles with your DIL.  Threatening to keep you from your grandson in heartbreaking and I can see how she has put a rift in your relationship with your son.  Knowledge is power so I hope you keep reading about BPD and NPD.  You will find many of us here have had similar experiences with our loved one.  My older sister is dBPD (although she denies it now) with many NPD traits.  She has made our entire immediate family go through he** and back.  She has now started projecting her behavior onto me a lot... .We lost our dad in the summer.  She never saw him and skipped his funeral.  Her only concern seemed to be is wondering if she would get any money.  When she visited the hospital, she was so drugged out on her prescription meds she was spacey, slurring words, thought our cousin was dads caregiver... .She makes stuff up about me and other a lot... .Keep posting and reading... .

[HappyChappy]

Hi Raza66,

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this, it must be very exhausting for you. But speaking as the son of a BPD, the best bit of my childhood were when outsiders entered the room. It inhibits the BPD as they do care what the crowd think. But as you’ve noticed, a BPD will try hard to isolate those they wish to manipulate, so don’t take it personally that your DIL has ruined your relationship with your son, that’s standard practice. Most people will avoid the scary lady, that’s why they do it using F.O.G. to manipulate. So if you can hang in there, that would be wonderful for the none BPD involved.

There are lots of techniques on this forum designed to get the best out of someone with BPD. Are you familiar with these ? S.E.T.  or J.A.D.E etc... So is there anything specifically you wanted help with ?

[zachira]

I agree with Happy Chappy. Borderlines do not show their bad behavior to certain people, and having those people around really helps. With my BPD mother, I always have made an effort to invite non immediate family members as much as possible, because then mom is charming and pretends to be nice to me.

[Living Life]

I agree with Zachary and Happy Chappy ... .My parents moved out of state during my Sophomore year of college; I was expected to return home for the summer vacation. With my parent's permission, I managed to bring a friend home with me for the summer. That was one of the best decisions I have made. I had 2 1/2 months of peace. I knew they would both control themselves and be on their best behavior while a stranger was staying with them. And it worked! The rages, rants, yelling, and violent fighting typically only go on when it is only the immediate family in attendance. In public, they could both be totally charming. As they became elderly, the filter of shame was removed, and they could really put on a performance for the neighbors. They moved late in life to be closer to their son and favorite adult granddaughter. The friendly neighbors evaporated. I would bring my husband with me to visit them; they would be polite and helpful.

Hang in there. As an adult daughter of nBPD mother and alcoholic father, I would have loved to have a family member around even occasionally, to mitigate the crazy, offer a respite, and explain how it all has nothing to do with me. We never had any extended family in the area, they all lived across the country, and I believe, had no idea of what went on in our home. Your being able to offer a stable environment is huge. Don't give up on your son and grandchild.