I feel like I'm disappointing Dad by giving up on marriage

[BeagleGirl]

I thought about posting this on ":)etaching" but went with my gut and posted here.  I will trust to the judgement of the moderators to move if they feel it's more appropriate elsewhere.

I'm having a rough morning.  I know that some of the context around my feelings has a lot to do with being awakened twice in the night to care for one of my elderly dogs.  Sleep deprivation and facing the prospect of losing two of my three dogs (the one who needed care last night was the one who doesn't have a cancer diagnosis but she fell and soiled herself twice in the night and has unexplained weight loss so... .) doesn't put me in the best frame of mind to deal with stress in my relationships, but some days are just going to be like this.

Yesterday my dad texted to ask if I would share with him what is going on between me and dBPDstbxh.  :)ad and I had a rough conversation last summer after which we agreed to not discuss my marriage.  I feel like I'm disappointing my dad by "giving up" on my marriage and I'm not willing to justify my decision to leave my husband, nor do I have a lot of confidence that anything I could say would justify my decision in his eyes.  But now it's time to tell dad that we have decided to divorce and I feel like the idea of doing that has pushed me back into denial.  I'm having those thoughts of "What if we didn't have to divorce?" and ":)id I really do all I could to save this marriage?".  And if the reality of telling my dad does this to me, what is it going to be like in two weeks when we are going to tell our kids?

And why is this so much easier for dBPDstbxh?  He's told his family (which may be why my dad is texting me) and our pastors, and who knows who else.  It seems like in his mind this is a done deal, as much as he fought it (or seemed to fight it) all through the past year.  Now he's the one who seems calm and collected and I'm the one thinking "Please say that you want to fight for this marriage."

I know that the only way I would return to the marriage is if he experienced true change and the first sign of that change would be for him to initiate reconciliation and restoration.  That's the only way to break my pattern of rescuing and fixing and taking full responsibility for our relationship.  I know that his actions say that is not something he is willing/able to do.  They've consistently been saying that even when he's claimed otherwise.  And now he says he's ready to move on and that he's done trying.  When I focus on that, I feel sad but relieved that he's given me the gift of being able to say that this is a mutual decision.  But when I think of telling my dad and kids... .that's when I want to run away from the reality and finality of saying it's over.  I want to offer hope for them to hold onto.  I don't want to disappoint or fail them.  

So I guess I just need to get this out there and feel it.  I need to accept that my grieving process may still take a few more loops through denial and anger and bargaining, etc.  I'm practicing self-care and trying to remember that I don't have to carry this alone.  Thank you all for your listening ears and any insights you want to offer.

[steelwork]

I'm really sorry about your dogs. I lost my dog six years ago, at a good old age of 14, and it was devastating anyhow. It's easy to downplay losing a pet.

It's hard to say what to say about your father. I think agreeing not to talk about your marriage was probably a good thing. Maybe you can make reference to that agreement when you tell him about the divorce? You know--tell him you are getting divorced, and remind him of your agreement as a way of not feeling you have to go into details or justify your decision? But I don't know how that would go over, or if maybe you kind of do want to discuss it with him.

If that's the case--that you do wish to have a conversation with him--can you identify why? It seems like maybe you want his approval, though you've already acknowledged that you're unlikely to get it.

Remember that your father doesn't have to be married to him.

I'm afraid I'm not super-up-to-date on your story, so forgive me if this is off the mark: You observe that your husband's inability or unwillingness to work for the marriage as hard as you did is validation of your choice. That sounds right to me. Remember it when you doubt yourself.

[steelwork]

But now it's time to tell dad that we have decided to divorce and I feel like the idea of doing that has pushed me back into denial.  I'm having those thoughts of "What if we didn't have to divorce?" and ":)id I really do all I could to save this marriage?"

I also want to highlight this train of thought. This is how external forces work their way in and cause self-doubt, and even change our perception of the facts.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't want to disappoint or fail them. 

Hey BG, When you say "them," I assume you mean your father and your kids, whereas I would suggest separate categories: your father on the one hand; and your kids on the other.  Starting with your kids, I would argue that it's a bad idea to stay in a toxic relationship for the sake "of the kids"; to the contrary, kids can thrive outside the bounds of a high conflict relationship.

Concerning your Father, I would argue that it's about your happiness, not his, and the important thing is to do what's right for you, which will work out best for everyone over the long haul. As steelwork notes, your Father isn't married to your stbx and probably has no concept of what it's really like on the inside of a BPD r/s.

Finally, I would add that you've put a tremendous amount of thought and effort (and prayer) into your decision to divorce, which is all that you can ask of yourself.

LJ

[pearlsw]

Hi BeagleGirl,

What are your father's expectations of you? Is he the kind of person who thinks divorce is totally out of the question? Do you want to practice thinking out what you might say to him by sharing it here first as you think it through? Perhaps can give you some assurance and validation ahead of time so you can go into that conversation feeling stronger?

warmly, pearl.

[Panda39]

Hi BeagleGirl,

Reminder... .Your feelings matter as much as and sometimes more than everyone else's 

You are stepping out of your traditional role and it is making others uncomfortable, you need to do what is right for you.  Sometimes we have to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of ourselves.

Panda39

[bus boy]

There's a saying I heard a long time ago "after me, your next". If your in a BPD r/s your number one is you and your children and protecting your self/family from the destructiveness of a BPD r/s. It's better to live out of a broken home than in one.
   People just don't get it. I've heard it all. People say give it time, they will come around or maybe you should try to work with your ex a little more or he/will see how hard your trying and they will change. The only thing my Xw got better at was being sneaker and more devious.
  My good friend stayed in a BPD alcoholic r/s for the kids and to not "disappoint" people and he told me all he did was teach his kids to be in f****d r/s's and they are. Everyone is entitled to self happiness.

[formflier]

BG,

Do you think your Father would respect boundaries in communication if you offered ":)ad, I'll let you know about the status of our relationship, yet I won't give details or problem solve with you." (or something like that)?

FF