Why do I feel trapped in this game of hers?

[randomuser94]

It's been 2 months since we broke-up but she asked me to keep in touch "as friends". She asked me to leave my stuff in our house and just move with the basic stuff that i need. She;s been away from town for few days and asked to go and stay with our cats for few days because she had a bad dream/feeling.
  I had to refuse because i'm unable. The next msg I get from her is : "you're just doing this to hurt me. You go ahead and hurt me as well. It doesn't mater I've tried committing suicide this weekend with pills."

  We met few times since we broke-up and every time she cried and confessed about this new guy she is in a almost relationship,how much he hurts her etc. But every time she pointed out how "we will never get back together", but she kept calling me to sleep with her, keep her company and such.

Why do I feel trapped in this game of hers? What does she want from me? Is she just confused right now?... it's been like this for almost 3 weeks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

What does she want from me?

from what you share, it sounds like she wants a friend who will listen to the problems with her relationship, comfort her, sleep with her, and keep her company.

how do you feel about these terms?

[randomuser94]

from what you share, it sounds like she wants a friend who will listen to the problems with her relationship, comfort her, sleep with her, and keep her company.

how do you feel about these terms?

I don't want her to use me as a tampon. Furthermore she acts with me like we are in a relationship the way she talks, and expects me to accept her things etc.
  Ty for making things clear for me. I guess I'll have to move on and cut contact
 

[once removed]

I guess I'll have to move on and cut contact

that is one option. in general, though, she cant really force you into this sort of relationship without your participation. people with BPD traits tend to have poor boundaries, and it can be confusing. its up to you to steer the ship.

moving on and cutting contact may escalate the situation. if thats what youd prefer to do, you should know that. it might dial back the drama to slowly change the dynamics, especially if you want her back.

[randomuser94]

that is one option. in general, though, she cant really force you into this sort of relationship without your participation. people with BPD traits tend to have poor boundaries, and it can be confusing. its up to you to steer the ship.

moving on and cutting contact may escalate the situation. if thats what youd prefer to do, you should know that. it might dial back the drama to slowly change the dynamics, especially if you want her back.

I feel like I'm being used. She knows we can't be only friends but i can't wait and see her "spending time with other guys"; pointing into my face that we will never be together again; her acting like she owns me and telling me how many guys she intends to bang.
   I do want her back but i'm starting to feel like this is impossible. She tells me how unhappy and incomplete her life is without me but it feels more like a manipulation to keep me around( and i;m not an option). After every sign that she needs me/misses me she laughs at me for thinking I still have a chance

[once removed]

i can certainly understand feeling used.

i suspect though, if you were to tell her you feel used, she would be pretty surprised. she would probably think the relationship you both have, and its dynamics, are mutual.

they largely are, or at least have been. its really up to us to live our boundaries and our values, they teach people how to treat us, whats in bounds, whats out of bounds.

if you want her back, slowly changing the dynamics can be a good start, but it may involve some hard choices that may confuse her, or that she may not like.

and when i say slowly, i mean dont go hog wild or blow things up. back off, dont engage in the dynamics you dont want to engage in, be more assertive than that if the situation calls for it.

boundaries are a lifestyle, but we often think of them as "rules" we can set to solve a conflict, or get someone else to change. this article is a great start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[randomuser94]

i can certainly understand feeling used.

i suspect though, if you were to tell her you feel used, she would be pretty surprised. she would probably think the relationship you both have, and its dynamics, are mutual.

they largely are, or at least have been. its really up to us to live our boundaries and our values, they teach people how to treat us, whats in bounds, whats out of bounds.

if you want her back, slowly changing the dynamics can be a good start, but it may involve some hard choices that may confuse her, or that she may not like.

and when i say slowly, i mean dont go hog wild or blow things up. back off, dont engage in the dynamics you dont want to engage in, be more assertive than that if the situation calls for it.

boundaries are a lifestyle, but we often think of them as "rules" we can set to solve a conflict, or get someone else to change. this article is a great start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I have no idea where to start with those rules. She's going trough a huge depression right now so it's very possible that the smallest mistake from my part will ruin every chance i have(if i have).
  How much time do i need to set those things and actually see the road towards our future relation again?
  Is there a way to stop her from trowing herself into bed with random guys and exit this depression?
  Is there a way to set rules while she has the high-ground? Where do i start? How do i set them?
  Our status on FB is still "engaged to each other". Why isn't she removing it or talk about wanting this removed?

[once removed]

I have no idea where to start with those rules.

theyre not rules for her. theyre rules for your life, and how you live it. for example, not comfortable sleeping with her? then dont. she can ask until shes blue in the face.

people may resent boundaries, but they respect people that know where they stand, and live it, know how to say no, and live their life with self assurance and confidence. it also just so happens that this is especially crucial in a relationship with someone with BPD.

She's going trough a huge depression right now so it's very possible that the smallest mistake from my part will ruin every chance i have(if i have).

remember what i said about not letting fear dictate your actions.

How much time do i need to set those things and actually see the road towards our future relation again?

you can start right now. what do you want to change? id focus less on seeing a road toward your future relationship for right now. this is something that will not be built over night, and shes in a committed relationship right now. id focus more on not participating in dynamics that make you feel disrespected, by her, or by yourself. the rest may or may not follow.

Is there a way to stop her from trowing herself into bed with random guys and exit this depression?

no. if thats a value of yours, then you set a boundary around it, if you are in a relationship, and you be prepared to exit the relationship when and if it happens. since youre not in a relationship, but you do have feelings for her, id simply not participate in these conversations. its not anything you want or need to know. you can tell her that, she may not take kindly to it, though she may respect you more for it. or you can be non responsive, change the subject, let her get the hint. she may or may not get the hint.

  Is there a way to set rules while she has the high-ground? Where do i start? How do i set them?

boundaries come from our values. we live them. keeping in mind that this is a friendship, what do you have the biggest problems with?

Our status on FB is still "engaged to each other". Why isn't she removing it or talk about wanting this removed?

there is no telling. have you asked her?

[randomuser94]

Thank you very much Once removed. Could you please keep an eye on me? I have some many questions to ask but my mind is so lost...

She is not in a committed relationship right now. It's close to a relationship but she won't transform it in a real relation.
Regarding our relation from FB: she said she can't do it. Every time she opens FB she sees our "memories" and the good times.

[once removed]

Thank you very much Once removed. Could you please keep an eye on me? I have some many questions to ask but my mind is so lost...

of course, ru. do ask questions, its what we are here for, and while it helps to talk, it also helps to learn.

She is not in a committed relationship right now. It's close to a relationship but she won't transform it in a real relation.

my mistake. it does sound like shes kinda finicky and doesnt like to go all in. if youre interested in being her boyfriend, then you definitely dont want to be her emotional cheerleader/support system, at least not with regard to her relationship problems.

Regarding our relation from FB: she said she can't do it. Every time she opens FB she sees our "memories" and the good times.

theres your answer. its too painful for her, and maybe she doesnt like the idea of finality. thats not a bad thing, it could mean shes not moved on, too.

[randomuser94]

theres your answer. its too painful for her, and maybe she doesnt like the idea of finality. thats not a bad thing, it could mean shes not moved on, too.
[/quote]
She has given me lots and lots of "proofs" that we are not over: Not deleting nor intending to delete our relation(even tho everyone close to her knows), keeping a love-charm from me at her bracelet, the ring was removed from her finger but told me she regrets it but she had to do it(because her mother will notice), wanting me to not completely move from the house(even tho she kinda searched for a room-mate). Yet all she does is to tell me to move on, that we are over and we will never get back together and that i should date other women etc
 
Far as I know her depression is sustained by the fact that our relation is over( along with every future plan we had)  She's been in a total of 2 months of constant depression combined with huge amounts of alcohol and easy drugs.Actually she passed 2 months.  From my point of view thats a huge amount of time... .She had many relations before me and the max amount of "sad time after a break-up" was about a week or so... What i can not understand is why she is depressed. She asked for a break-up because she felt "controlled/in chains by our relation"; wanted more freedom, but the moment our break-up fully started, the depression occurred.    She basically asked for all of this... .

[once removed]

She has given me lots and lots of "proofs" that we are not over

while this is not a bad sign, and may give you some room to work with, it may also be confusing you. i would give more weight to this:

Yet all she does is to tell me to move on, that we are over and we will never get back together and that i should date other women etc

why? a few reasons: the other mixed messages are confusing you. it may be that she has difficulty letting go, and it also may be that she has bad boundaries and sends mixed or inappropriate messages, but that doesnt necessarily mean she doesnt consider, at least some of the time, the relationship to be over.

thats not necessarily a bad thing either. why? over 60% of relationships (not unique to BPD) try again after the first breakup. the problem is most of them fail, because people go back in with the same game plan. its generally best to consider the previous relationship over, dead, and any possible reconciliation to be a new relationship, with a very different game plan.

depression, or episodes of it, can be pretty common with someone with BPD traits. alcohol and drugs tend to exacerbate that. change is scary to a person with BPD, and so are breakups; fear of abandonment, and such. my ex dumped me, jumped in another relationship, and still went through a lot of pain herself.

how do you feel about dating other women?
 

[randomuser94]

while this is not a bad sign, and may give you some room to work with, it may also be confusing you. i would give more weight to this:

why? a few reasons: the other mixed messages are confusing you. it may be that she has difficulty letting go, and it also may be that she has bad boundaries and sends mixed or inappropriate messages, but that doesnt necessarily mean she doesnt consider, at least some of the time, the relationship to be over.

thats not necessarily a bad thing either. why? over 60% of relationships (not unique to BPD) try again after the first breakup. the problem is most of them fail, because people go back in with the same game plan. its generally best to consider the previous relationship over, dead, and any possible reconciliation to be a new relationship, with a very different game plan.

depression, or episodes of it, can be pretty common with someone with BPD traits. alcohol and drugs tend to exacerbate that. change is scary to a person with BPD, and so are breakups; fear of abandonment, and such. my ex dumped me, jumped in another relationship, and still went through a lot of pain herself.

how do you feel about dating other women?
 

I  DO intend to date other woman(i already did-but just for small talks ), just for some fresh air(but my mind is still on her). I will not wait for a chance for her to just come back to her feelings for me. At the same time she keeps 'asking for me and my attention'. She is keeping me in a sort of friend-zone which is bad for me because i still have feelings for her. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. In order to fully date other woman and regain myself I will have to cut all ties with her, but if I do this it will be completely over.

  She wants me to move on but doesn't fully allow it. She gets curious about who I date, even gets aggressive to find out(even fully aggressive when i refused to tell her about some girls), but at the same time "who she dates is not my business". Why is she jealous/curious ?

She told me that she can't sleep without me. I've slept few(or more) times at "our place" since we broke-up. I do love the feeling of her in my arms, and we both manage to sleep like nothing ever happened between us... but... .is this a good thing? To keep us tied? At least i know I won't be able to get her out of my heart if I keep sleeping wit her, but I'm not sure about her. Is this keeping some feelings towards me(or old behaviors that she can't remove? If i keep showing what we had together before the break-up, will it be helpful? or it will just trick me that things are still good between us?

[once removed]

She is keeping me in a sort of friend-zone which is bad for me because i still have feelings for her.

im a big believer that we can only put ourselves in the "friend zone". when i meet a woman, if i have any potential interest, i dont signal any interest in being just her friend; it gives the wrong impression.

In order to fully date other woman and regain myself I will have to cut all ties with her, but if I do this it will be completely over.

why do you have to cut all ties with her in order to date? im not sure what you mean by "fully", but it sounds like what youve been doing, light fun dates, just getting to know people, is a good fit. it may be risky going to go all in right now.

She wants me to move on but doesn't fully allow it. She gets curious about who I date, even gets aggressive to find out(even fully aggressive when i refused to tell her about some girls), but at the same time "who she dates is not my business". Why is she jealous/curious ?

ill be frank with you ru, in your situation, i would not even be having these conversations with her. who she dates isnt your business, and who you date isnt her business, and thats "friend zone" stuff. what do you mean fully aggressive? as in physically aggressive?

She told me that she can't sleep without me. I've slept few(or more) times at "our place" since we broke-up. I do love the feeling of her in my arms, and we both manage to sleep like nothing ever happened between us... but... .is this a good thing?

ill put it this way: its a good thing only if thats as far as you want it to go. the fact is, she can sleep without you.

Is this keeping some feelings towards me(or old behaviors that she can't remove? If i keep showing what we had together before the break-up, will it be helpful? or it will just trick me that things are still good between us?

you dont want to show what you had before the breakup. you want to show what you would have in a new, completely different relationship. that will require a certain level of detachment, she very likely wont like it at all at first, and there are no guarantees, but i think its your best bet.

[randomuser94]

ill be frank with you ru, in your situation, i would not even be having these conversations with her. who she dates isnt your business, and who you date isnt her business, and thats "friend zone" stuff. what do you mean fully aggressive? as in physically aggressive?

 A normal conversation escaleted to a mess just by me refusing to discuss about who I date. She threatened me and started insulting and such.
 If the fear of change is a problem for BPD, could it be that she just wants me near her to surpress this fear? To basically have no feelings for me, but keep me there just because she got used to me?

[CryWolf]

A normal conversation escaleted to a mess just by me refusing to discuss about who I date. She threatened me and started insulting and such.
 If the fear of change is a problem for BPD, could it be that she just wants me near her to surpress this fear? To basically have no feelings for me, but keep me there just because she got used to me?

I feel that she is pretty confused about everything. She might be scared of commitment and being close to you, but is also is afraid of losing you.

[randomuser94]

I feel that she is pretty confused about everything. She might be scared of commitment and being close to you, but is also is afraid of losing you.

  She makes me even more confused. I get it that she fears being close to me since we just broke-up and she got hurt a lot so far in the process but if she continues like so she will lose me for sure. I got close to my breaking point many times in the last 2 months. Even now i swing between taking my stuff from the house and ignore her or act like I'm not hurt and suport her and just wait for something good to happen... .
  Last 2 discussions we had face to face she had to point out that "she owns me and she can do everything she wants with me". I got used with those moments of anger, but the tears of "i'm sorry" that followed didn't impressed me at all... .I'm starting to belive the harsh words more lately rather then the tears

[CryWolf]

  She makes me even more confused. I get it that she fears being close to me since we just broke-up and she got hurt a lot so far in the process but if she continues like so she will lose me for sure. I got close to my breaking point many times in the last 2 months. Even now i swing between taking my stuff from the house and ignore her or act like I'm not hurt and suport her and just wait for something good to happen... .
  Last 2 discussions we had face to face she had to point out that "she owns me and she can do everything she wants with me". I got used with those moments of anger, but the tears of "i'm sorry" that followed didn't impressed me at all... .I'm starting to belive the harsh words more lately rather then the tears

It seems like you are going through a lot. I know how it feels when the person you love, says hurtful things and you want to stick up for yourself or just leave. We've all had breaking points here but it just goes to show how strong you are and have a good character. In the moments she does say those things, what worked best in my situation was that I would take a deep breathe and make sure I was cool and calm before I spoke. Usually our BPDpartner will say things and our heart rate may get elevated and anything passed 80/90 bpm is when we tend to get in fight or flight and say things without a clear mindframe. Hope this somewhat helped.