Pregnant with uBPD guy- He has Done a 180 Suddenly & Idon’t know if it’s Sincere

[Confused1017]

   
Re: Pregnant with BPD and So Confused
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Hi WW, thank you again for your replies- they are very helpful to me. smiley
I find it very Hurtful that he claims he does not want to date me; that we are just “friends.”   But as I’ve stated in the very first post, initially, he acted like he really Liked me ALOT Romanitcally; he even cried desperately in front of me one time, when he thought I was not going to continue to See him!  I don’t get it.

Then, a month after him crying and begging me to continue to See Him, then he started acting more nonchalant, claiming he didn’t want to “date” me, but yet he wanted to spend a lot of time with me.  Also, My pwBPD used to and STill does STARE at ME on many occasions- while I’m awake and while I’m sleeping/dozing off.  But then when i’d Feel his stare and look up/open my eyes, he would pretend he was not looking at me.  It seems as though he doesn’t want to admit he likes me in a ROMANTIC WAY!   He has said in the past that he likes me though.

But, despite him wanting to spend lots of time with me, him getting me pregnant, and staring at me when he thinks I am not looking, He didn’t get me even a bday card for my birthday.  All he did was ask me to come over to his apt. And he said he “cooked” for me on a Friday night.  He asked me to stop by after work, and he had Nothing for me- no Birthday Card At Least, no cupcake/cake, nothing. sad.  ALL HE did was “cook” us two open-faced sandwiches.  I was speechless, but I also did not want to Hurt his feelings or Upset him.   I would Never do that to him- I am more considerate and thoughtful.  Especially for a lover’s birthday or any special occasion.  It really HURT me a lot about his lack of effort for my BDAY.

Does he really like me or Not?  He does seem to enjoy his time w me mostly, but it really hurts that he didn’t make a real effort.  He seems to be excited about our pregnancy, he’s asked to join me at my next ob/gyn appt, which I appreciate.

But I just don’t understand HIM, or HOW HE FEELS About ME?  Mixed messages for months, and I do see him act jealous at times too.

Any thoughts, input and/or Advice is Greatly Apprecuated!  Thank you.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Confused,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so confused by your pwBPDs behavior. That's the thing with BPD though. They are sincere in their changes... for the moment. Because to someone with BPD what the feel in the moment is the reality. You can be the best thing in the world to him today but 20 minutes from now something could change that. I've learned to just take those good moments and experience them as they are, trying not to figure out why, and knowing that it may not be like that forever.

It's tough when you expect to get a big to-do for a special day and then it doesn't pan out. It sounds like your bf feels like he did a really good thing for you on your birthday. Don't forget to validate that.

Did you let him know that you wanted him to do something bigger for your birthday?

Us nons often hope our pwBPD can read our minds but then get upset when they don't do what we had hoped they would do. When I want something done for my birthday or Christmas, I have to directly tell my H what I want. Nope. It's not romantic, but it prevents me from feeling like I am being neglected.

[JoeBPD81]

Of course you feel confused, and confusion makes us feel unsafe. I'm very sorry about that.

It is very hard to not take it personaly, and yet that's what we need to try to do. For my pwBPD birthdays are very scary, and feelings are always scary. And I'd add "we men are stupid" to the equation. 

My gf has bought me expensive presents and then hide them and not let me see them, because she felt I wouldn't like them. Then she returns them or loses them. The fear of rejection makes them do unexpected things.

My gf has told me many times she doesn't want anything romantic with me or anyone. She often says "feelings are crap". Then she does those kinds of looks you descrive. Or takes my hand, or asks me to sit closer. They are very insecure, and they fear getting attached to us, and then facing that we will leave them. So it's better not to love. On the other hand, he wouldn't need to do that if he didn't love you a lot.

You need and deserve the certainty of having someone on your team, that will be there when you need him, that would respond and listen to you. Of course you do. And we love people who often can't show that they love us, and sometimes even seem like they don't. It's very tough.

You need more sources of support and help, do you count with people close to you?