From Hungary With Love

[.Praesagus]

Hello. I'm Praesagus from Hungary. I'm a 27 years old guy, and I've been diagnosed with Mixed Personality Disorder, compounding of BPD and Paranoid Disorder, and I'm in a pretty messy relationship that has basically ruined my and my significant other's life over our past 1,5 year together.

It started as a great love, but soon it became a nightmare of obsessive jealousy over her present and past. I came into this relationship as an extravagant person, a punk. I lived a destructive way of life, based on alcoholism, I've avoided intimacy my whole life, and I was a virgin. Yes, my girlfriend is the first woman in my life, and she's 39. She was almost as unexperienced when we've started, but she had emotionless sex before, which later became the subject of my obsession.

As alcoholism launched me in this relationship with severe sexual disfunction, my self-esteem was on an all time low. This soon led to questions about sex and intimacy, which where both subjects new to me. I couldn't help but ask her about her past experiences and how I've compared to them.

As I've lost a high paying job because of the problems this all caused we've came to the realization that something had to be done: I've literally spent the whole day calling her during working hours on my business phone, asking seemingly unimportant questions about her past. We went to a support center and started going to private therapy sessions. It turned out that my dear love had severe depression, worsened by me, and I probably had BPD. This was all speculations back then, though.

Later, as I kept loosing jobs we've decided that I should move in to a sanitarium for further diagnosis. It was here that I had to face how fragile my relations with people were, how unable I was to connect, to feel, to open up and converse. I gave up, after two weeks I left the place, receiving the diagnosis mentioned in the beginning of this post. Now I'm totally lost. I'm out of money, I have no job, and although I've been done with drinking for months now, I still miss it. Soon, if I don't get a job, we'll be moved out of our rent, and when that happens, my heart will be broken, and hers too, as we've never loved anyone so much ever in our lives. I honestly see no other option than killing myself.

I had 9 jobs in 9 months. I have no stamina or hope left. I can't fit in, and my dreams of having a baby together goes further and further away. I'm not only unemployed, but I'm also pretty much uneducated, too. How am I expected to survive this, when no one knows or cares about mental disorders in this country, and nobody, not even my doctors or therapist could offer any way out of my uncontrollable mood changes, obsession,  and my unnatural fear of people and company? What should I do to avoid suicide, which seems more and more welcoming as days go by? Thanks in advance for all the reactions. Bye.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Praesagus,

I'm so sorry that you have been struggling for such a long time. I am concerned about your thoughts of self-harm. Have you made a plan to harm yourself?

I would like to share our Safety First document. Some of the information is about abusive relationships, but it also includes information about suicidal thoughts.

It's very brave of you to share what you have been going through and to reach out for help. This site is for family members and relationship partners of BPD sufferers. This is where we learn to support our loved ones, and where we learn to take care of ourselves. Because of this, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.  You will find links to more appropriate forums, where you will find others like yourself who were brave enough to have taken positive steps towards healing.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.

[.Praesagus]

Hi,

I'm still deciding on the method, but I think it's gonna be cutting my wrists open. All my thoughts were centered around this one act, only the location is undecided upon. I want to drink till K.O., then put myself to an everlasting sleep. All I can see is my life and mind falling apart. The moment I manage to gather myself together once more I'll look through all the sources on this site you've mentioned. Thanks. It feels less cold that somebody cares, that for someone it's still a scary thought, not just a routine thing I mention every day. (About which people think I'm most certainly not serious.)

Hi Praesagus,

I'm so sorry that you have been struggling for such a long time. I am concerned about your thoughts of self-harm. Have you made a plan to harm yourself?

I would like to share our Safety First document. Some of the information is about abusive relationships, but it also includes information about suicidal thoughts.

It's very brave of you to share what you have been going through and to reach out for help. This site is for family members and relationship partners of BPD sufferers. This is where we learn to support our loved ones, and where we learn to take care of ourselves. Because of this, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.  You will find links to more appropriate forums, where you will find others like yourself who were brave enough to have taken positive steps towards healing.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.

[Tattered Heart]

I have had similar feelings in the past before too. It is scary when it seems like your mind has turned against you. Please do reach out to local helplines when these feelings happen. And the resources for BPD sufferers can lead you to venues for others with BPD who are going through or have gone through the exact same thing you are now.