Mother making my wedding about her

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Recently, I was out with my BPD mother. She and I aren't close. I invited her out as I wanted to pick a wedding veil out, she and I don't often go out, as she is very unstable.

This time proved no different, as we were leaving she told me for the dozenth time... please get help with your wedding. 1. I hadn't asked her for any help from her, exception being wedding dress search (1 store) and wedding veil search (1 store). 2. I have asked for help from bridesmaids etc... so I wasn't sure what she was referring to when she said I need to ask for help (does she mean not ask for more help when I hadn't asked anything in the first place) or does she mean I need to step up the wedding planning (I don't believe this is the case as I am very much on top of the planning of my wedding).

Anyway I asked her to clarify what she was meaning... this escalated her anger and as I was leaving the department store parking lot, she opened the car, with car in motion and proceeded to leave the vehicle. This is not the first time this happened. This has also happened with her husband and she walked a good 2 miles back to the house. She is 60 years old.

At that point, utterly confused and hurt, obviously this was an outing for me and mother and she's jumping out of moving cars and telling me she can't help with the wedding, but no one asked her too. I "snapped" and pointedly said "what are you doing, close the door." twice. She didn't listen and later her husband picked her up, they walked out of the department store, he was basically carrying her and she was much obliged to take the assistance and the attention.

I later got a phone call from her husband saying "leave 'mom' alone, don't you have "friends" and "bridesmaids" to help you", which as I stated this is just hurtful as it's my wedding and this meant to be my mother and father.

It didn't matter though, I'd already snapped in my head and (not literally), but had hit a wall. I realized nothing was going to change with mother. However, the hurt and frustration followed me through the week.

1 week later, I begin to send out wedding invites and she won't even text me with her zip code. Ugh. So I called her a couple days later about her coming with a small group (3-4) to just see my wedding dress on and fitted, and to show my cousin how to do the bustle. So mother didn't pick up, and instead texted "Not wanting to talk". I was hurt and continue to not even understand what it is she is asking for at all. As I said she can't help with the wedding, but seems to want to emphasize me asking others for help (which is the confusing part... .as I have bridesmaids and talk to them regularly, even going so far to ask "do you guys not feel included in the planning" (to which they responded 'no, we are having fun and feel included'.

So I'm 1. Hurt 2. Confused 3. Beyond annoyed. I really feel like she is making this about her and is just confusing me and I have no idea what to do about/with her. She's trying to spin it that I've asked for all this help from her, which is not true as she keeps interfering with the get-go. Last example of my frustration: I've told her I will go with my bridesmaids to make boutiques the night prior, she said no as she wants to pick the flowers... .ugghhh.

1. I've decided to not even bring this drama up before the wedding and let it be known if she wants involved in our lives this will be discussed.
2. She can come as a guest if she's talking to me. I won't give them an invite until that happens.
3. I will continue to plan our wedding. If she does or doesn't do the things she said she wanted to do ie. flowers, I no longer care. I will do them as I've said I would all along... .however according to her I need to ask people to help me, even though I am... .please help. I'm beyond hurt and confused.

[bebrave83]

Recently, I was out with my BPD mother. She and I aren't close. I invited her out as I wanted to pick a wedding veil out, she and I don't often go out, as she is very unstable.

This time proved no different, as we were leaving she told me for the dozenth time... please get help with your wedding. 1. I hadn't asked her for any help from her, exception being wedding dress search (1 store) and wedding veil search (1 store). 2. I have asked for help from bridesmaids etc... so I wasn't sure what she was referring to when she said I need to ask for help (does she mean not ask for more help when I hadn't asked anything in the first place) or does she mean I need to step up the wedding planning (I don't believe this is the case as I am very much on top of the planning of my wedding).

Anyway I asked her to clarify what she was meaning... this escalated her anger and as I was leaving the department store parking lot, she opened the car, with car in motion and proceeded to leave the vehicle. This is not the first time this happened. This has also happened with her husband and she walked a good 2 miles back to the house. She is 60 years old.

At that point, utterly confused and hurt, obviously this was an outing for me and mother and she's jumping out of moving cars and telling me she can't help with the wedding, but no one asked her too. I "snapped" and pointedly said "what are you doing, close the door." twice. She didn't listen and later her husband picked her up, they walked out of the department store, he was basically carrying her and she was much obliged to take the assistance and the attention.

I later got a phone call from her husband saying "leave 'mom' alone, don't you have "friends" and "bridesmaids" to help you", which as I stated this is just hurtful as it's my wedding and this meant to be my mother and father.

It didn't matter though, I'd already snapped in my head and (not literally), but had hit a wall. I realized nothing was going to change with mother. However, the hurt and frustration followed me through the week.

1 week later, I begin to send out wedding invites and she won't even text me with her zip code. Ugh. So I called her a couple days later about her coming with a small group (3-4) to just see my wedding dress on and fitted, and to show my cousin how to do the bustle. So mother didn't pick up, and instead texted "Not wanting to talk". I was hurt and continue to not even understand what it is she is asking for at all. As I said she can't help with the wedding, but seems to want to emphasize me asking others for help (which is the confusing part... .as I have bridesmaids and talk to them regularly, even going so far to ask "do you guys not feel included in the planning" (to which they responded 'no, we are having fun and feel included'.

So I'm 1. Hurt 2. Confused 3. Beyond annoyed. I really feel like she is making this about her and is just confusing me and I have no idea what to do about/with her. She's trying to spin it that I've asked for all this help from her, which is not true as she keeps interfering with the get-go. Last example of my frustration: I've told her I will go with my bridesmaids to make boutiques the night prior, she said no as she wants to pick the flowers... .ugghhh.

1. I've decided to not even bring this drama up before the wedding and let it be known if she wants involved in our lives this will be discussed.
2. She can come as a guest if she's talking to me. I won't give them an invite until that happens.
3. I will continue to plan our wedding. If she does or doesn't do the things she said she wanted to do ie. flowers, I no longer care. I will do them as I've said I would all along... .however according to her I need to ask people to help me, even though I am... .please help. I'm beyond hurt and confused.

[Tregonsee]

Hello bebrave83.  From my own experiences with my BPD sister, they will manufacture a reason to get mad at you and make you a villain, because somehow they enjoy this and have to have an outlet for their rage.  So your mom pretended like you asked for her help, then said she couldn't help and acted like you tried to make her do some work she could not do.  And that way she can be a victim, and get sympathy from others.  And of course later she changed her mind saying she wants to help with the flowers.  I'll bet if you were to confront her with the fact that she didn't want to help before she would either lie or pretend it is your fault for not communicating with her properly.  That is my sister's typical behavior.  I think you are on the right track with your plan - you should minimize contact as much as possible, don't ask her to do anything for the wedding.  I've always tried in the past to remind myself it isn't personal she just needs to rage and be angry with me because she is sick - but it still hurts a lot because it is hard to ignore your disappointment and feeling like you did something wrong even though you didn't.  You have my sympathy.  I hope you can still enjoy your wedding preparations - try to surround yourself with loving family and friends as a buffer.

[bebrave83]

Thank you, I appreciate your input. I felt as if that what she's trying to do. I will take your advice and try to surround myself with loving family and friends during this time and think positive. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Bebrave83, 

I'd like to join Tregonsee and welcome you to our online family.  I'm very glad you shared your story with us.

Weddings can be stressful events, especially with a pwBPD. When I got married, I can well remember my uBPDm being upset with me. At some point I had casually mentioned what I was considering for wedding colors, and then she went out and bought flowers without my permission. There was major upset and rejection when I said I wasn't sure that was what I wanted. So I gave in to avoid the rage and FOG. It's pretty hard when the wedding becomes theirs more than it's your own. 

I can understand how confused you feel when your mom is not really communicating in a consistent manner. The inconsistency of what those with BPD are projecting can be very confusing. What do you think her emotions are saying vs her words? Is there a difference between the two?

How soon is the big day?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Sounds like she's hurt.  When she said "please get help with your wedding." She really was saying "why don't you ask me to help with your wedding?" Yes?

Dr.  Craig Childress describes pwBPD (people with BPD) as "abused children,  all grown up." She got (mad) hurt, took her marbles and went home.  The Waif desires rescue (my mother used to act like this).

Have you ever asked her,  "hey mom,  I need help with my wedding. Can you help?" Both of your ideas are likely different in that regard,  but it might open up a dialog. 

As it stands now,  you both are entrenched across the DMZ. She's making unspecified Waifb (Rescue Me) demands, and your thoughts are of The Punitive Parent, even punishing her by only sending an invite tied to stipulations.  The dynamic isn't healthy,  and of course it's frustrating to you given all the work that you are doing for this big event and starting your new life. 

So what do you think about an opening to change it up?

Taking a look at the drama triangle might be a good place to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Turkish

[bebrave83]

Thank you Turkish for the insight. I can see what you mean (about an unhealthy dynamic). The hard part is she won't talk to me so it's not possible to even to talk to her. In all honesty, she won't help with the wedding. She really does have other things going on right now, health wise, so it's really up to me to do the planning.

She keeps saying "get other help" but I'm not sure what she even means really... since mother isn't helping and I've gained help elsewhere. She's appears to be attention seeking at this point.

[zachira]

I really admire you for understanding that your mother is making your wedding all about her, and the decisions you have made with how to deal with her. Hurt and confused is how many of us feel when we try to include our borderline mother and she lashes out in anger because she feels abandoned. Any action that shows that you are a separate person from her is threatening, and there is nothing you can do about that. As the daughter of a borderline mother, I continue to grieve that I always have to protect myself from her, and we can never have a loving relationship because she is just too impaired. I hope you have a beautiful happy wedding day!

[bebrave83]

 
Thank you all for the advice and mainly support. I can't say how helpful it has been, especially the article read. The welcome was warm and helped me clarify some things I needed to.

[GreenRoad]

Bebrave83, I completely understand where you are coming from in regards to your mom and your wedding, as I went through the same thing a few years back with my mom. She was in the midst of lots of financial and emotional upheaval during that time, and no matter what I did it wasn't enough for her. Even though I can name several examples of how I went out of my way to include her, she swears she was left out and wanted to be more involved. She was upset with me because she wasn't there the day I picked my wedding dress, but she went out of her way to be unavailable, and at my final fitting said, "I just don't feel emotional about this (seeing me in my wedding dress for the first time). . . I guess I should feel emotional, but I'm just not." In the end I am happy I picked out the wedding dress without my mother there and with the help of my maid of honor, MIL, and SIL, because I was able to feel bridal and beautiful that day, but my mom's words at the final fitting still sting.

Three years later, each time she rages at me the subject comes up again and she says she wasn't "included" in anything to do with my wedding. During our last conversation she even tried to tell me my godparents have told her they noticed that I made sure she wasn't included in anything. I know this isn't true, as they've seen my mom's BPD behavior first hand over the course of 30+ years and I've been able to lean on them for support, but the statement still hurt, and that's why mom mom said it. She wanted to hurt me. During my last session a few weeks ago, my therapist explained that since my mom is uBPD, she views me as more of a possession than a daughter, so of course my wedding is an extremely sensitive topic to her. I'm no longer just her daughter, but now DH's wife too, and that's a huge threat to her.

Now that I've rambled too much about my own life, my advice on your upcoming wedding is to lean on your fiance and bridesmaids for support, and make an effort to focus on your own self care. This is YOUR wedding after all, and it is okay to make the planning process and actual wedding day about you. I know this is easier said than done. I was lucky to have the support of my in laws, my dad, my maid of honor (I had no other bridesmaids), and my now husband. I did make sure to make an effort to include my mom, but I did that to be okay within myself as I knew it would never be "good enough" for her. Of course you feel hurt, confused, and annoyed in this situation, and you have every right to be. I think the course of action and boundaries you have outlined show you're on the right track. I especially think it is healthy for you to consider not having her at the wedding if she's not talking to you. You are sticking to your own boundary in that instance, and that's extremely important for your own mental health. Yes, you'll be sad if she's not there, but you'll also be able to focus on the day that should be one of the happiest of your life. Know that you're not alone in your struggle with this, and we are all here to support you.  

So I'm 1. Hurt 2. Confused 3. Beyond annoyed. I really feel like she is making this about her and is just confusing me and I have no idea what to do about/with her. She's trying to spin it that I've asked for all this help from her, which is not true as she keeps interfering with the get-go. Last example of my frustration: I've told her I will go with my bridesmaids to make boutiques the night prior, she said no as she wants to pick the flowers... .ugghhh.

1. I've decided to not even bring this drama up before the wedding and let it be known if she wants involved in our lives this will be discussed.
2. She can come as a guest if she's talking to me. I won't give them an invite until that happens.
3. I will continue to plan our wedding. If she does or doesn't do the things she said she wanted to do ie. flowers, I no longer care. I will do them as I've said I would all along... .however according to her I need to ask people to help me, even though I am... .please help. I'm beyond hurt and confused.

[Turkish]

I did make sure to make an effort to include my mom, but I did that to be okay within myself as I knew it would never be "good enough" for her.

I think this is what it comes down to here in this any many other similar situations. Great way to summarize it.

First, that you need to be sure with yourself that you did what you could, bebrave83, to include your mother; second,  that nothing may ever be good enough in her mind.  The latter is ok.  She owns that,  not you. 

[bebrave83]

It does come down to that (making an effort, whether it's good enough or not), I realized. Knowing I could invite her everywhere... which I just may do... and it still wouldn't be good enough. She will just try to suck me in to the drama. The best I can do is stay strong.   Thank you Turkish.

[Turkish]

Thank StephDawn For the insight  

I had some similar issues regarding my mom wanting to be in the birthing room when my son was born.  This might come for you as well (grandkids introduce another dynamic),  but enjoy your wedding in the meantime.