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Author Topic: Feel like writing to your ex? Say it to us instead.  (Read 10672 times)
EdR
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« Reply #60 on: June 26, 2018, 12:20:12 AM »

How did it feel to write this out EdR?  Have you decided if you're going to send something or not?

I don't know... .the urge is still there.

To answer your 2nd question: I desperately try not to send anything. But I just think it is really hard. I would never in my life remotely consider to send something like the first one, but I would like to send something like the second one. However, I would need to rewrite that to an extremely watered down version to avoid her dysregulating. And even then, she could still dysregulate.

Her behaviour must have shown me that she has become totally unreliable. Seemingly prepared to do anything to keep her 'truth' intact. So it would be totally stupid to send her anything. Maybe she can't do a lot from a legal point of view, but there are more ways to destroy a person. And through her family member and the rumours she is giving a clear signal: she can.

I just need to truly believe what I have written here. Her behaviour confused and still confuses me enormously and I tend to try and excuse her behaviour. I should not do this! I must learn to see this behaviour for what it is: betrayal. Maybe there are underlying reasons, but it still is betrayal.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #61 on: June 26, 2018, 11:55:45 AM »

All those up and down emotions all that processing, geez. Its nice to start to find an element of recapturing some normalacy again.

Havent heard from her for a good 2 weeks now, without any reason not to beyond not keeping the conversation flowing.

My thoughts on it? A healthy feeling of indifference, it was 'nice' to talk again and up until the sim card change, it has been pleasant, sweet and kind words. I think its nice to end things on that good note where communication is a two way street, ive made next to no effort to want more than I have already given and I feel happy to have at least shown to myself if not her in the process, that im able to hold on to emotionally strong backed impulsivity. Thanks to those who helped me to set a different tempo and reflect more on things, I start now to see the benefit it has had.

This had to become more than just a choice to go NC again, I wanted it to get to the stage where its done not out of "needing space" to get my thoughts, its a NC of wanting to move on in my life and closure to a relationship I have no personal interest in returning to, in any capacity. I struggled a bit with "radical acceptance" because for me, it feels disempowering, that id have to accept as it is, without the power to do anything about it. Ive came to a different conclusion and probably interpreted it even in the wrong way, my not choosing to be involved, my realisation that I already tried my best and went to the limit of what I felt justified within myself to go to, eventually hit a point where regardless of everything else, "enough is enough" Cromwell.

radical acceptance is accepting my own limitations, and it would be tempting to think that just because ive healed so far, got stronger, that I wouldnt neglect to accept the situation that my choices before got me into. Overall, I have had to accept that I want to live my life differently than I have done, and that has meant centering it onto my own needs - which had to evolve more from my need to fulfill someone elses needs.  just as I was always there for my ex, I never felt truly that she could be there for me and I dont blame her for that, I accept it. This relationship has became more than just a learning experience, it has developed into nothing short of reaching an epiphany. My life and perspective has changed profoundly.

I wanted to share with you all this turning point ive reached, most of all thank you all for your support, guidance and above all the comfort of knowing that I didnt need to go through this journey alone.

Lastly, id like to thank my ex for her whirlwind entry, whirlwind movement through these years, she brought out the best, she at times brought out the worst, there was little of moderation in between and as I have found a way to forgive, a big part that has been neglected in my 500+ posts, I hope she has ever found forgiveness for me, I havent been an angel, ive done some hurtful things, Ive done some emotionally driven ignorant things which I apologise for, dont airbrush over. I want to move forward though and become a better person myself, listen to my internal compass more and detaching not being about carrying resentment or bitterness, but realising that something inside tells me that this is the proper way, the right way and I can only hope you find your own peace, happiness and fulfillment that you deserve. I loved you very much and this is detachment, not abandonment, is doing the best thing I believe in that is right for both of us. Its come to feel like the hardest decision ive ever had to make and I pray it is the right one and I hope that you find your peace as much as I hope to break free from this torture.

You turned out to be right,

we will be together forever,

I know I wont ever forget you

x
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iberis

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« Reply #62 on: July 03, 2018, 07:37:33 PM »

I have maintained a hard boundary about not responding to your messages, which most people would understand as a desire to not be in contact. However, since you continue to contact me, it leads me to believe that the boundary either hasn’t been clear to you, or that you want something from me so badly that you have purposely ignored it. I am pretty sure that remaining out of contact with you is the right decision, though I do sometimes struggle with doubt, and there are times when I do wish we could talk and try to understand each other’s position better. I am writing you this message to discharge some of that intensity of wanting to communicate, and because I do wish I could help you and give you what you want (to the degree that it’s reasonable) when you’re contacting me.

Since you’ve never asked anything specific of me in your messages, I can only extrapolate what you might want based on what I would want if our positions were reversed. First of all, I would want to be heard and acknowledged for the degree of my suffering. I would also want to know the reasons you decided to exit my life, and I would want to know your perspective of the overall experience now that it is over. I would want to know if there was any warmth or kindness still available to me from you, but I wouldn’t want to be led on. In short, I would want honest closure. You may not want these things specifically, but since I don’t know what you want, I will answer these specific points as truthfully as I can with the hope that my words will help you in some way, and that it could help me to write them.

I had to end communication between us last fall because it was clear to me that our contact was only causing both of us more and more harm, and it would never get better. I knew from past experience with you that anything I said or did in that moment would’ve been used as fuel for your rage against me- arguing, defending myself, or apologizing have only ever served to justify your perspective of being mistreated by me. And yes, I expected that even silence would have the same results, but it seemed like the least karmically negative thing to do in the situation. I maintain the silence now because I am trying to minimize the perpetuation of future harm to both of us. I am not doing it to punish you, or to show a judgement about you as a person. I know you’ve been suffering, I am not blind or numb to how my exit must have hurt you. I know you feel things very intensely and that you have huge abandonment wounds. I have tremendous empathy and compassion for you, and always have, and always will. I honestly would take the pain away from you if I could, but I know now that that’s not something I can do, no matter how much I wish I could.

Overall, our relationship (as it were) was the most painful time in my adult life. When we were in the throes of active negative communication, it was like being in hell and I didn’t know if I’d ever get out. It was constant emotional torture, and it ripped my self-esteem to shreds. All aspects of my life have been affected by what has happened between us. I am a different person than when we met three years ago. However, I wouldn’t snap my fingers and make it all disappear even if I could, for a couple of reasons. First of all, when things were positive between us, it was a love that I had never experienced and I know I will never experience again- the depth and intensity of the connection, the astronomical scale at which everything was happening, it was incredible. I admit that all my previous attempts to classify it have been feeble and generally inaccurate. I also agree with what you said in your last message, that no one else could ever understand what it was like, or the significance of it all, unless they had lived it. And only you and I lived it.

The second reason I wouldn’t wish to erase what has happened between us is that I see it was necessary to knock some really persistent, deep-seated delusions and negative behaviors loose from my personality. You may be harsh to me in your words, but you are always honest and frequently right. And even in the absence of direct critique from you, this whole process has brought me face-to-face with my shadow and dysfunctional patterning and allowed me to make some real changes. It has been an ugly, painful, but ultimately crucial, process. I am grateful to you and the whole experience, though I would never wish it on anyone, even for their benefit. It has been a hard road, and it brought me very low for a very long time. And even though I see the benefit in what we’ve gone through, the right move now is to focus on rebuilding after the destruction.

I want you to know that I don’t think you’re a bad person or that you’re unworthy of love or kindness. I know you want happiness and love as much as anyone else, and that you deserve it as much as anyone else. Your spiritual path is beautiful and worthy of the utmost respect, and I hope it continues to carry you forward. I am glad to hear you’re taking steps to take care of yourself better these days, and that you’ve started doing things you’ve always known you needed or wanted to. I really hope you can fully grieve our relationship, as I am trying to, and eventually move forward into a happier, healthier phase of life. I wish that for you more than anything else.

Goodbye. Take care of yourself, C.
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WindofChange
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« Reply #63 on: July 04, 2018, 02:58:34 PM »

Quote from: iberis
"I had to end communication between us last fall because it was clear to me that our contact was only causing both of us more and more harm, and it would never get better. I knew from past experience with you that anything I said or did in that moment would’ve been used as fuel for your rage against me- arguing, defending myself, or apologizing have only ever served to justify your perspective of being mistreated by me. And yes, I expected that even silence would have the same results, but it seemed like the least karmically negative thing to do in the situation. I maintain the silence now because I am trying to minimize the perpetuation of future harm to both of us. I am not doing it to punish you, or to show a judgement about you as a person. I know you’ve been suffering, I am not blind or numb to how my exit must have hurt you. I know you feel things very intensely and that you have huge abandonment wounds. I have tremendous empathy and compassion for you, and always have, and always will. I honestly would take the pain away from you if I could, but I know now that that’s not something I can do, no matter how much I wish I could."

The last few months of my relationship were like this--arguments became worse and worse, more intense, our words more hurtful, the damage harder and harder to repair each time. He and I both agreed that we needed to separate our living situation and step back in order to stop causing harm to each other. We still saw each other for about six weeks after separating, but then he went through a difficult time and the old accusations started again, that I must have found someone new, that I was lying to him about who I was with. He started threatening suicide, and finally implied one morning that he had taken a bunch of pills. In a panic, I tried to reach his best friend and even his ex-wife to get the correct address of his new place. Finally I called 911 and told them the location of his apartment building and they took him to the hospital. Later that night (after being kept in the hospital all day for observation and having his blood alcohol levels tested--apparently he didn't take as much as he had implied to me), he was angry with me for contacting his ex, because then she wouldn't let him see his child. He was also angry with me for sticking him with a huge hospital bill. That was just the last straw for me. After six years, I couldn't do it anymore. I'm not innocent, I made mistakes in this relationship, I know. I'm sure that, like what you said above, Iberis, he was hurt by how I ended things. But I had dealt with so many suicide threats and self harming episodes and then the angry accusations and hateful words. Like you, I wanted so much to be able to love him enough that I could take the hurt and trauma from his past away and heal his abandonment issues. But that was something I had to accept that I couldn't do, hard as it was to walk away. This reply obviously isn't a letter, but what you said resonated with me, so I wanted to respond.
It is so hard to walk away, it's hard to accept that we can't heal their wounds, despite the fact that we so deeply want to.

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Be kind always.
WindofChange
Shawnlam
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« Reply #64 on: July 05, 2018, 09:35:26 AM »

Well our meeting is coming up on Saturday so I wanted to write more what on my mind when I think of you right now versus what will happen on Saturday where I will be in listening mode .I know you’ve told me your are now in therapy and that you are feeling better about yourself .You also told me you got rid of some people in your life which oddly all corresponded with the people I didn’t like.Concerning the therapy I’m very proud of you and what you are doing to better yourself hopefully this will continue throughout your life so you can finally live some semblance of normal .As for the other changes you’ve told me Unfortunately I remain skeptical as it is “too good to be true”, but it’s also not really my business or problem.At first right after the meeting we had I was in a good place when thinking of you,what I mean by this is my worry for you somewhat reduced greatly.

The last 5-6 days however a worry has entered my head about your feelings towards me which seem more relationship oriented than friendship, hopefully I am wrong about this but my sixth sense and far greater capacity for seeing red flags says different .Especially after last nights text message I received which clearly showed signs of you being under the influence... .luckily I was asleep and only read it this morning and hence did not answer .I was truely hoping in this span of time we were apart that I’d of learnt enough and our feelings for each other would reduce enough to go back as friends .I hope I’m wrong again I really do want you in my life but this isn’t only about what I want ... .having this feeling of annoyance coming back is easier to deal with than before thats for sure .Sometimes time itself allows to forget the reasons sometimes people need to be apart. See you Saturday
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steelwork
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« Reply #65 on: July 10, 2018, 04:07:36 PM »

I just want to let you know that you don't have to avoid me. Maybe you have multiple reasons for being out of touch for three years--I don't know--but fear shouldn't be one of them. After all, we were pretty great friends once.

P.S. I'm not fishing for anything else.
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MyBPD_friend
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« Reply #66 on: July 14, 2018, 06:30:03 AM »

Jxxx,

It's been three months that I got a new phone number and when you got my letter telling you about the new number, which you don't have and won't ever get.

In my past letters to you I've never blamed you and I never really said what I wished to tell you. Reading about PD and BPD, I've learned that you must suffer from a strong BPD. You once told me personally that you have personality and identity problems. At that point I couldn't react and you didn't explain that any further, by that time I knew that you have problems. I was unaware of BPD and other PD and only learned by reading a lot.

I feel very sorry for you, I do believe that you don't have any 'real' friends, I also believe that young long time bf has his own PD issues, how you both can keep up is still a myrical to me.

Unfortunately you never answered/replied to my long letter earlier this year, even when you told me on the phone you want to. I believe that you just can't reply, your shame is just too strong.
My last attempt to see you and to talk to you in late March was unsucessful. You replied 48 hours after I told you (repeatedly) that I'll be in your town and I wished to see you - knowing that I would leave that day. It was not a problem that you were out of town, that's very normal to visit family, friends or do something. Your much delayed reply is the problem and you're totally aware of it. This repeatledly late (or no) response was just the last drop needed to make my decision to leave our toxic connection for good.
Perhaps you tried to escape and avoid seeing me, it doesn't really matter what your reason was.
However, that day I decided that a real and trustful communication won't be possible between us.

I saw a picture with only text you posted on your SM account.
It said: "People who repeatedly attack your confidence and self esteem are quite aware of your potential even if you're not"

I don't know who you addressed this to but you misunderstand reality and your actions and behaviour. You are mostly responsible for people's reaction to you and your strange confused behaviour. Unless you start a long term therapy, your life won't ever improve.

Your wish to try to have a baby with your bf does frighton me. You've already had an abortion at age 17 and a miscarriage at age 31. Now you're 34 and very ill. You lost your fresh drivers license due to alcohol and drunk driving shorty after you got the license. The few times I've met with you, you kept drinking too much which let to even more strange patterns of behavour.
As much as you wish to have your own child, just like your younger sister did this year, it won't heel you and you won't be able to be the mother that a newborn deserves.

Next weekend, I will be in your town for an open air festival and I much hope that our ways won't cross that day and night. In case you see me, please don't approach me or talk to me as I just don't see how we could talk like grown up and intelligent people.

In my 'good-bye' letter to you in April, I told you to concentrate on my family, my kids and my wonderful wife. Life has been very good to me since and I sleep very well now.
You're still on my mind, but my memories are slowly fading as time passes.

Take care and good luck with your life and career.


xxx
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Sirnut
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« Reply #67 on: August 02, 2018, 06:34:17 AM »


I think what's in my head now is a desire to reset or redo the ending, so it's not a violent estrangement but instead a change of status. I hate how it ended. And I miss my friend.

Thank you steelworks, these words seem to capture my situation just now after a broken relationship. It’s the estrangement that hurts. I don’t like to be melodramatic, but the idea that some day we will die without ever saying a dignified farewell just breaks my heart.
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steelwork
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« Reply #68 on: September 06, 2018, 05:57:50 PM »

Long time, long time. I came upon your story "... ." in the xxxx Review. It was odd reading the story, but I felt a little proud of you also.

I'm living in [PLACE], [DOING WHAT I'M DOING].

[BROTHER] died last August, probably from a stroke.

I quit drinking.

Well, that's enough from me. I want you to know that I haven't held onto hard feelings. No, I've processed them, like so much orange cheese. I wish things had not ended so bitterly, though. It would be great to hear from you.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #69 on: October 19, 2018, 08:10:55 PM »

I'm writing here to say that we have nothing to say to one another.

I spoke your name for the first time in a long while the other day and it felt strange.  Strange because there was no feeling that followed.  I noticed only the distance inside of myself from who I was then to who I am now.  Also strange because I was taking control of my own concerns rather than protecting you and that was a huge shift from when we were together.    

It was later that I thought about what, if anything, I might say to you if you were to speak to me now and concluded that it would simply be that there is nothing to say.  No sorry, no regret, no hard feelings and no I miss you.  I hope that you also have reached a point inside of yourself where you know that there is no need for words between us.  We know that we both got what we needed from our time together.  In my case I got a lot more than I needed when it came to the trauma, but then again I am even grateful for that.  

It may sound crazy but if I were to say anything it would be thank you for all of it.  Although I spent so long torn up and riddled with guilt over the way things ended, drowning in the pain of loss, although I was reliving all I endured from you for the longest time, the violence, threats, suicide attempts, emergency services, although there were 12 months spent going through court to get my son back with me for 50% of the time, the money that my family has spent to achieve that, the time in counselling, domestic abuse support groups, scrutiny from social services, although it took me 3 months to feel safe enough to return the knives to the block, I am grateful.  Because I know myself now.  I have learned to love myself and I am in therapy working to change the things you saw in me. The last time I did want to run to you was to tell you how right you were.  But there is no need.  

At one time I'd have wanted to tell you about the trauma I've suffered - to point out to you the desolation you leave in your wake, but no longer.  You already know what you do and I know that is hard for you to live with.  You suffer enough and have lost so much through your actions and that is deeply saddening to know.  You are being respectful of my wishes and staying out of my life.  I appreciate that.  

At one point I'd have wanted to apologise.  I beat myself up for the way I left you, both in turning you out of my home and for when I cut off contact.  I hurt myself too doing these things and I tormented myself about not telling you I loved you the night we were only separated by a sheet of glass.  I saw the broken young boy inside of you as your eyes pleaded with me to end your pain.  It replayed in my mind over and over.  As did so many things.  Seeing you with my belt tied around your arm and a lethal cocktail in your hand, the blood on both our clothes and all over the kitchen floor, the look on your face as you tried to throw me down the stairs and I fought back - the list is endless.  

But the moments that I felt guilt over I am no longer sorry for.  It's taken a lot of work in counselling to let go of that guilt.  Telling you I loved you would not have changed anything.  I had to protect myself.  I did what I had to do.  I could only save one of us and it had to be me.  I could also have apologised once for staying with you long enough for all the bad things that happened to take place as it spiralled.  Now I see that I did my best with the knowledge I had.  I was far from at my best and nobody realistically could be under those circumstances.  Whilst I accept my part in us, it no longer haunts me as it did.  So no, I am not sorry.

Within the first few months, I'd have wanted to let you know that I didn't hate you, that I cared and that I hoped you'd be OK.  I'm so glad I never caved into the urges to contact you.  It is for the best.  Deep down you know what my feelings were for you and you know what your feelings were.  I know it's harder for you to admit these things to yourself because of the hurt you feel if you allow yourself.  That would mean feeling the shame of knowing that you hurt someone who would have stayed by your side and lost herself willingly.  I am no longer that person.  I'm stronger now.  For that I am thankful.  Whilst your presence in my life caused a great deal of damage, you also are partly responsible for a great deal of good that has come of our mess.  I say partly because I wouldn't give you all the credit any more than I would make you solely to blame for what happened.  We had a precious and beautiful thing and we held the match to the blue touch paper together.  There were more similarities between us than I cared to accept.  We live and learn.

I am grateful for our passionate love, which was more powerful than I believe either of us had experienced.  I saw the look in your eyes when we were first intimate.  You were as shocked as I was.  There is no hiding that.  Perhaps you met your match.  I know I did.  I will treasure the good memories of us always.  When we were free together and just ourselves it really was something else.  But I don't need to thank you for that.  We created that together and you were there.

So, my beautiful man, if you see me don't speak.  Just smile.  Because what we had - all of it - meant so much and no words could add or remove anything from that.  For old times' sake, You are awesome, I am awesome, We are awesome.  

I wish you only peace, love and light as I do all others.  May you some day find it.

Your Princess            
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
crushedagain
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« Reply #70 on: October 20, 2018, 12:27:47 AM »

You left me a broken man.
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #71 on: October 20, 2018, 04:49:26 AM »

PS I once told you that you were everything I never knew I always wanted.  Looking back I can also see that your behaviour in the end was also everything I always knew I never wanted and I finally feel some pride at the fact that I put myself first by letting go and leaving that behind.  It's the hardest thing I ever did and I did it, which shows me what I'm capable of.  Just about anything. 

It was in my nature to criticise myself for not caring about myself soon enough however I've had it pointed out to me that I can be proud of myself for breaking free and you know what?  I am.  I gave up the biggest love I'd ever had to value my safety and my emotional wellbeing and that was a turning point for me.  I'm no longer a captive to my emotions. 

There is love without pain you know.  Loving myself doesn't hurt at all. 
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Chitchat
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« Reply #72 on: October 20, 2018, 05:40:17 AM »

Remember I said, 'If we break up, I want you to remember you are not bad.'
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Che sara, sara.
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« Reply #73 on: October 22, 2018, 10:50:49 PM »



Honey,

 How I miss you. The you I fell in love with. Smart, sassy, blunt, supportive. The you that made me want to be braver and smarter. The you that pushed me to do better. Made me tell myself "I can do it". The you that listened to me like you wanted to be hearing what I had to say.

 I don't know where you went. I don't know if I can ever get that you back. At this point, I think I would fall for you all over again. I know that it wouldn't last. That you would leave again only to bring back this other you. The you that was upset what seemed like constantly. Over what, I couldn't ever figure out. The you whose fire didn't burn quite the same anymore.

I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for it all. Our downfall, the months of slowly drifting further apart. Never being able to fix it, change what I was doing to be doing the right thing so you would be happy. I guess I just couldn't love the way you needed to be loved. And just as I couldn't love you correctly, you could not love me like I needed.

 Sometimes I want to scream or cry or beg you to try again, just one more time. But I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and risk whatever would come of that call. I can't possibly endure the pain I've been learning to cope with again, not from you anyway. I wanted those words you said to be true. The rest of our lives to work things out and do certain things together. I'm only certain now that for the rest of my life these memories will be burned into my mind as a reminder that not everyone means what they say. Not everything can be taken at face value. And not all love is meant to be had forever. What I thought was a fairy tale turned out to be a series of unfortunate events.

So to you, Honey, you used to be so sweet and now it has turned into stinging pain.

I still love you and Goodbye,
Me
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Sportyman

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« Reply #74 on: October 23, 2018, 11:07:35 PM »

A response to her loaded message to me... .

Hey; I wanted to address the plethora of accusations you made earlier today which clearly is how you feel and I know that a lot of it may or may not be out of frustration/anger/hurt/discontent with our current circumstnace but i needed to become emotionally stable before I can give it my clear thought. You state that I can't have everything my way; unfortunately, none of this is my way. If you feel that I am content or satisfied with having our relationship fall apart to this extent; im not. I'm destroyed, inside and outside. I'm unable to focus, I sit at home in the evenings reading or writing or trying to meditate to try to cope with the emotional pains that I'm having. Yes - I am hurting, and I know you are too. I voiced that to you on sundy and tried to give some form of affection to comfort your pain as well as mine. You state that I've become incapable of having a conversation or silo'd into therapy. I try to communicate wtih you in every healthy manner posisble. Without placing blame on you or myself. The circumstance and the outcomes we've had are unfortunate, and we're both responsible for the situations. Perhaps you may feel i've placed complete blame on you, which is not true, but if you do feel that way, rest assured you are not faultless nor 100% at fault. We are 50% of anything that happens. You stated I shut you down when youw ant to speak; unfortunately, it may be time for you to reflect on how you project blame onto me for all mishaps or unfortunate outcomes (i.e. video fight, family situations, discontent with anything). You are stating I've only lived with my therapy, I'm sorry but I tried everything that I knew from my growth in life and that didnt' work with you. So I bought books, I read articles, I entered into therapy to help myself be better FOR YOU. I asked you to take that effort and journey with me as well. I'm certain you have yet to ever read any of the books; articles; or guides and that's ok; I know you're busy and it may be difficult to hear/see perspectives that are uncomfortable for us to enter into. It has been extremely difficult for me to own my feelings; share my truth; and listen to your perspective calmly and collectively. I have worked on myself to become better. I have done what I owe myself to become calmer; healthier; and better. I have taken effort to reach out to you after multiple physical or emotional abusive behaviors. I wrote you a leter to tell you how much i care and love you and yet you thrrew it in my face that I only care about myself. You want to say hurtful things to me that I'm a monster and I can only care about money when in truth; you know that isn't true. You konw deep down I've given my soul, my money, my every ounce of energy to satisfy you, however, it is to no satisfaction. In all of these close to 30 days I've notice I keep chasing you. I keep pursuing. And yet YOU still find fault in me... .I respect your boundaries and write you a letter and instead. I ask to re-engage in a healthy form and you choose to act as if I'm the only one that has fault in this relationship... or that i OWE you more. I am hurting. You have no idea what it feels like when your wife says it uncomfrotable to make eye contact, or to have your arm around her. I took chances, after everything, I have hope that maybe we can build slowly nad in a healthy form. It can only happen with two of us. You may think becuase I dont' cry that I'm not hurting. or becuase I don't throw things or yell or scream anymore I'm not hurting. My hurt is in my silence. In my darkness, in my sleep, when I am hurting most. I control my emotions and my pain to not hurt anyone else; but I am hurting and you are blind to that. You are only looking at your PAIN and emotions and invalidating anything of mine. I have tried to comfort you, give you affection, give you support, re-engage in a healthy manner, and you showed up and may as well have spit in my face the way I felt driving home both days. It's ok - I swallowed my pride and kept asking to hang again. You're claiming the therapists are taking money and we are makign zero improvement. That is your perspective and your choice to get help for yourself is up to you. You throwing glass, pulling a knife out, pulling your hair, exhibiting self-harm, threats of suicide, and hopefully no more to come but all your behavior that is caused by a surge of emotions is your responsibility. You cannot place that blame on someone else. Controlling your emotions is your own account. I'm glad you have a picture and a map of how you want your future family to be when your parents have passed. I also had that picture; I also had that dream with you; I also built my life to exhibit that sense of success emotionally, spiritually, and physically with you and our family. That is broken and I am still not quitting. You've threatened to file divorce by nov 1st without any progress. Who are you kidding; no progress will be made without your whole hearted participation; your own exhibition of compassion and empathy. If you're not capable, so be it. I've faced my truth. You've thrown the word divorce out so many times and almost have made a habit of it. You blame me for not calling over the phone... .so what... so I can hear you say "YA" when you pickup? So I can hear more silence? So I can hear more blame and accusations of what you think I'm content with? End the pain -  end the blaming - end what you think is reality when it isn't. If you can't own the truth, Ive seen it crystal clear. You can't show any compassion to me because you truly are detached because I've drawn my boundaries of what is safe and healthy. I can't continue in this manner, so if we can't find a common ground and healthy way to re-engage, I'm agreeable to your deadline or whatever stipulations you wish. Just know your choices and my choices don't have to be parallel when it comes to choosing to be in this relationsihp. Also know that I love you and care for you. Unlike you; I don't put it in past tense; I put it in present tense... .becuase I still do, I still will, and I will forever, but that doens't mean we have to be together. Lastly - your money accusations have been manipulated in so many ways I can't even address it with a calm state of mind. Do as you please; twist it however you want, tell you and your dad and your mom to keep the money. I did not ask for $1 out of these past two days... I simply stated to pay the remaining balances to our vendors as we owe them that.
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« Reply #75 on: October 25, 2018, 06:52:14 PM »

You left me a broken man.

Crushed, this speaks to me as I often think about being broken and how in some ways it's a blessing that we can heal ourselves no matter how broken we are.  Our ex partners may well never stop getting more broken, instead forever going through the same patterns of behaviour without making a change and that is so sad.  

Step by step crushed... . 

Love and light x
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« Reply #76 on: October 25, 2018, 06:56:37 PM »

Quote from: OrionLeonardo
How I miss you. The you I fell in love with. Smart, sassy, blunt, supportive. The you that made me want to be braver and smarter. The you that pushed me to do better. Made me tell myself "I can do it". The you that listened to me like you wanted to be hearing what I had to say.

 I don't know where you went.

I hear the loss and feel for you.  That pain is etched in my memory.  Thank you for sharing OrionLeonardo.  It sounds like this was difficult to write and we're here for you as you grieve.  I hope there was some catharsis in pouring out these thoughts and feelings  

Love and light x
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« Reply #77 on: October 25, 2018, 07:00:49 PM »

Quote from: Sportyman
Also know that I love you and care for you. Unlike you; I don't put it in past tense; I put it in present tense... .becuase I still do, I still will, and I will forever, but that doens't mean we have to be together.

Thank you for sharing.  How did you feel writing this out?  Have you spoken any of these words face to face?  Wishing you well as you navigate these difficult waters.  Keep posting on the boards for support.

Love and light x
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« Reply #78 on: October 27, 2018, 03:12:29 AM »

It’s been a while... we see each other on campus and pretend we are strangers. I catch a glimpse of you and wonder about your new life. I wonder if I ever cross your mind or if you ever think of me. I have to put a front and act unbothered. I have to pretend I lost feelings for you. When quite frankly, it’s been almost A year  where we separated and I still think of you and miss you.

You used to ask what I love about you, and it was hard for me to pinpoint the answers you were looking for because in all honest I was in love with all of you. Your laugh, your smile, your touch, your voice, your walk, your beauty, your intelligence. Your humor. I loved you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t choose friendship after the breakup. I wanted to marry you one day. Despite our problems and differences I know you were caring and loving and I saw the compassion you presented. I wish I knew this monstrous disease better during our time. I wish I wasn’t so inexperienced and knew the tools I know now. I was so lost and going crazy that I couldn’t be your safe place. In all the chaos I wanted to Be your lighthouse. Yet, we both got lost in the storm.

I was so immature and naive. I was impatient and anxious all the time. Neither you, nor I were perfect. We took our love for granted. You left and I was broken. I lost my will to live. I lost my self. It took me months and months to somewhat find it, and at times I still feel lost. I wish I could see you and speak to you. I wish we can find a way back to another in our lifetime. But sadly, you don’t want anything to do with me. It happens. We move on and meet someone else. No one I have met has ever amounted to you. I lie and pretend they do but no. You were my first love. No matter how much you hurt me, made me cry... .I will always love you.

I am doing my best to move on. I am trying so hard but you pop back in my life. Whether seeing you randomly on campus or in my dreams. I can’t shake you off, and I’m not sure if I want too...

Deep Down I am hoping you come back and message me. But knowing you, you will never ever talk to me.

Please take care.
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« Reply #79 on: October 27, 2018, 09:49:24 AM »

thats a painful, but very loving read, CryWolf.

first love is so hard 
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« Reply #80 on: October 27, 2018, 02:02:19 PM »

thats a painful, but very loving read, CryWolf.

first love is so hard 

Thank you OR.

It’s been really hard lately.
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« Reply #81 on: October 28, 2018, 06:36:49 PM »

One minute you were asking if I wanted yo go to the cinema, the next I woke up to messages calling me names and saying it was over. I messaged you back but you were raging about everything, wanting a baby, wanting me to be different. You then did what you have done so many times over the last 12 months and completely ignored me... .for days on end. Then this time the silence turned in to the end of our relationship with flying monkeys getting involved saying YOUR health was suffering and that maybe it was the wrong timing for us or maybe we just weren't compatible. I dread to think what picture you have painted of me to others. It's all a far cry from how I felt in the beginning. You told me you would never hurt me. That you would look after me. That you adored me. I bought in to that dream. Its seemed real at first but I started to see glimmers of another side to you. Initially it seemed to start as misunderstandings between us. You would grow frosty. I would try and reassure you. Then one day we argued about some random guy messaging you late at night. You threatened to end it with me. I apologised. Looking back I have enabled your behaviour time and time again by wanting things to be good between us. You turned everyone against me. I saw the messages you sent calling me names about being fat and about my clothes. I now know that it's called triangulation and that you are sick. The first time I saw you raging and then punching yourself in the face, scratching your neck, pulling your hair I should have exited stage left but I loved you and thought I could help. How wrong I was. You never wanted my help. You wanted someone to just focus on your feelings and needs. You would sulk over absolutely everything. I couldn't open my mouth without causing offence. I started to believe you that I was mean and unkind. I must be after all you keep hysterically crying and then raging at me. The last night I saw you we had a good time. We spoke about our future and then boom. I asked you a question that you were uncomfortable with and you scratched my arm and kicked me. It's the first time you had become physical. It was completely uncalled for. I miss you. I realise though that it has only ever been one way. You used me and you discarded me and my kids like garbage, cheered on by your moronic friend. I am suffering now, I don't know what you are doing. I don't know if you have someone else... It wouldnt surprise me. What I will say though is that my suffering will end. When that happens the tables will turn. I will be able to go out and show my love yo someone deserving. You may regret I hope you do as it may prompt you to seek help and be less dismissive. I loved you so much but it truly is wasted on you. I intend to move on despite how I can't get you out of my thoughts and find true love. Unless you do the hard work you won't ever get that. Bye
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« Reply #82 on: October 30, 2018, 12:35:48 AM »

Des23 I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances surrounding your breakup.  I think it's so terribly hard to have to conclude and accept within ourselves that there is no way forwards with someone we love that doesn't involve a great deal of turmoil and pain for both partners. We are with you as you navigate this rough terrain.  Keep posting

Love and light x
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« Reply #83 on: October 30, 2018, 11:26:07 AM »

I miss you. I miss your happy laughs. I miss holding you. I miss your perspective on life.
When I first met you, five years ago, you were different than any other girl I had ever met. You taught me new ways of looking at life. You were my first (and only?) love.
Funny how the very thing I admired and loved about you (your mind) would also be the reason for so much suffering for you and me.
 
I wish you could experience normal life. I wish you could not suffer so much. I wish you could relax and know everything is OK.

I wish you and I could just disappear and go around the world. I wish you could see how beautiful the world really is. I wish I could make you happy forever.

I will be forever conflicted on trying to help you, and trying to protect myself. There HAS to be a solution, right?

At the time, I didn't understand what you are really experiencing. I just knew I can't do this to myself. But should I have tried harder? Maybe if I had known about the illness sooner I could have helped more. But at the time, I tried. I tried my darnest, and I feel defeated.

I feel defeated because I couldn't make the one person I really want to make happy, happy.

After we got back together after 3 years, you kept saying "you are my last hope", that was a lot of responsibility and your constant talks about suicide freaked me out.

I thought, What's the big deal? What I didn't know back then is what I was asking you was the same as asking a paralyzed person to get up and walk. I didn't know how much is real, how much you are faking, how much is manipulation.

I hate the anxious feeling or seeing you down spiral. You are a stripper now? What would your 19 year old self (the one I met and fell in love with) think of you becoming a stripper?

I saw you climbing society in ways that us mortals can't do. You were confident, you were stunning, you understood human dynamics and interactions to a level I have never seen.

BPD tell me that was all a perfected persona.

I wish for you to be happy. My mind is constantly thinking about "solutions", some way out of this.

I can't seem to stop thinking about you and this solution, but I can't seem to help either. It's a ___ty feeling, not being able to help the person you love and care for and seeing them down spiral. Seeing how you pick the skin on your stunning, gorgeous face.

I guess this world doesn't have to make sense. I guess this world doesn't owe me anything. I know, I know.

It makes me sad that you don't get to experience life like the rest of us. Are your parents to blame? You told me some horrific stories of your parents... .did they cause this? was this genetic?

I think they should have taken your behavior seriously, instead of beating you, they should have taken you to a therapist. Your mom was a school psychiatrist for god's sake!

It sucks for a human being to be subjected to this. You deserve a happy life with good, nice, caring, happy people around you.

What can I do? I feel capable of doing anything but this seems to require a PhD in psychology and even then its all up to you and you don't care, are not motivated to change things even while realizing it's all going downhill fast.

I miss your happy laughs, I love you.
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« Reply #84 on: October 30, 2018, 11:22:09 PM »

I'm feeling so hurt.

The babies I gave up were the most difficult sacrifice. I will always wonder if I did the right thing.

Every time you ignored me. Every time you swore at me. Every time you lied to me. Every time you dismissed my feelings and got angry because I was being selfish by expressing my emotions. Every time I was kind and you took advantage. Every time you put me down, bait me with the promise of an apology just to tell me that I deserved all the negativity. There is more but my heart is telling me to stop here. It can't take it anymore.

I am sorry that I participated in this relationship for so long. Along the way I contributed to the toxicity. Out of ignorance and self defense I became a monster too. I began to hate myself and told you I understood why you hated me too. I was that convinced.

Now I'm trying to rebuild myself as you grow stronger. I know I will never be the same. And you will always be the same. You're right, I am the loser. I've lost myself and so much more.

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