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Author Topic: Feel like writing to your ex? Say it to us instead.  (Read 10723 times)
icky
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« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2018, 09:45:09 AM »

Wow, there's some really beautiful posts in this thread. Goosebumps.

What I don't know is which version of him to write to?
The one I thought he was? The one he has turned out to be? The one he likes to think he is? The person he could be, if he got help?

While this relationship was in one long, painful downward BPD spiral, I kept speaking and writing to who I always thought he was. I was still so confused and in denial, I didn't realise he was someone else. I was talking to thin air.

Once I realised what was going on, I'm now addressing the BPD person - who is a faint shadow of who I thought he really was. We are on Low Contact and when I email him, I do so in the full conscious knowledge that he will not *process* any of what I say, that he will not *hear* me on anything. My words are water off a ducks back and so I don't even bother writing anything deep or meaningful anymore, cos what's the point - it wouldn't register anyway.

If I buy into his loopy version of reality and talk to that version of him, then I'm just enabling the madness.

So who do I address the things I truly have to say to? The person he would be if he got effective therapy and stuck with it til he was better?

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Shawnlam
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« Reply #31 on: April 09, 2018, 04:25:16 PM »

I’m thinking of you today my love , I was hoping by now you would have written ,texted me but sadly it seems you flushed me completely.I understand I left you twice  and hurt you twice.Yeah you did things to me that hurt and cheated on me as well.I won’t forgive you for cheating but I will forgive you on the rest because I didn’t know you were sick with BPD .I remember our great times at lac Simon or mont tremblant those nights making love by the fireplace .I miss having you in my arms and I miss you kissing and lying on me to sleep.I miss making you breakfast in the morning and I just miss your presence around me. But I now know a lot of that was not really you although you seemed happy you were doing it for me to love you.You didn’t need to do half those things for me ,you were enough.Im sorry I failed you,I’m sorry I hurt you,and I’m sorry I didn’t understand you. It hurts to know you’ve moved on but I now understand why you did.Je t’aime mon amour pour toujours ,et je m’ennuie de toi tellement.Bye bebe,oublie moi pas au complet svp
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MyBPD_friend
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« Reply #32 on: April 10, 2018, 03:43:59 AM »

This will be may last contact and letter to my BPD friend, it was not a romantic rs, but it was special. I will have a new phone number and she can't reach me again.

XXXXX,

It’s been a year that we met and I’ve been thinking of you a lot, because I like you.
You’re a very intelligent and hospitable woman. It is fun to be with you and to spend time with you. When out of sight it’s just the opposite of that.
During the last couple of months, actually since you’ve contacted me again after half a year of no contact in November, I’ve come to realize, that our connection had much to do with my own history, my childhood, trauma and my mother, who was probably ill too. I stopped any contact with her seven years before she died in 2014.
Our early attachment was based on your own problems and history and mine on my side. You’ve mirrored me and I saw myself, reflected in you. You’ve anticipated my needs and my desires. It took me much refection, thinking and reading, learning about myself and personality disorders.
You’ve filled a gap that was inherent with me when I grew up after my accident, longing for unconditional acceptance, love and deep human contact to women. No other woman ever reacted at me like you did, and that actually made me kind of addicted to that wonderful feeling of full appreciation.
When walking home with you the second time in May, you mentioned your personality problems and identity problems. I feel extremely sorry that I didn’t respond to that back then, it would have made things and our connection much easier and different than what I experienced since. I didn’t have any idea or knowledge of the problems you mentioned. I think at that time we could have talked about it, but that’s history.

I don’t blame you for anything, it’s not your fault to have become ill and having developed the problems you have, your time of growing up under difficult circumstances and whatever happened to you since you’ve come to Holland have caused your problems, and it’s not your fault. I also don’t reject you at all.

There is a great text in English that helped me understand myself and our spontaneous connection, you may or may not want to read this text. This is not offensive, I didn’t write this text, but in fact is has a lot to do with me and with you on the other side. The link is:
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/lonly-child

I do blame you for not responding to me in a way that’s acceptable. Perhaps you’ve felt that this is a burden for you, needing to respond in any way, I hope not. I’ve been expressing my thoughts in all my letters in July last year, my SMS and my last long letter in February this year, to which you said you wanted to respond but actually didn’t. I do know how difficult this might be for you to respond at all. I seriously did not expect to get that response anyway.
Not having responded to my SMS last year and the two day delayed response to my SMS a few weeks ago to which you apologized made me very angry. These are the reasons that I decided that enough is enough. You deliberately didn’t respond sooner as what would be normal behaviour and common sense.

In my text messages in December and my letter in February I clearly expressed in detail when I’ll be in xxxx, both times you didn’t realize the dates or forgot them. Your last SMS said, I should tell you a couple of days ahead when I come to xxxx, well, I did this a few weeks before with a clear date, to make your you can make up your mind - sorry that didn’t work.

For the future, I hope you will have the will and strength to eventually work on your disorders, there are many people, specialists who know a lot about it, as intelligent as you are, I hope it’s only a matter of time for you to do that. Our connection wasn’t about friendship, it was about you (without me) and me (without you), dealing with ourselves instead of dealing with each other with respect on an equal level.

My life is very good, I can’t ask for anything more than what I have. I’m deeply thankful, that I did not develop any personality disorder, but I also know that I’m a very difficult person.
Despite that my family loves me very much and so do I.

Jxxxx, I will not come and visit xxxx in the near future again. If you ever see me in the city or elsewhere by accident, please just ignore me totally. I do not want to refresh or reengage again. Last November I was doing pretty well when you texted me after no contact for a long time. This reengagement was not smart and responding to you was wrong.

I know your birthday is coming up, as is the city run, I think working out and running is extremely important and good for you, but I believe you know that already. Have a great birthday and a successful event before.

This week I got a new cell phone contract along with a new phone number. My old SIM won’t be in service anymore when you receive my letter.

Jxxxx, I wish you well and hope you’ll be more aware of your intense feelings when you meet new people to who you might feel connected to and act with care and caution. I hope that your work contract worked out to the best for you. I know you don’t need my friendship at all. There are many guys and women who will respond to your intense emotions like I did.

Our friendship never had a chance to grow, we’re both to blame for that.

I send you my sincere wishes for everything ahead of you.

XXXX

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Inko51
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« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2018, 04:37:10 PM »

When you uttered those words that I would never hear from you again. Little did I know you meant it. I took on board the sole blame for things going wrong. It's only now with some distance I realise that you also had a major part in our relationship demise too.

Why you couldn't have spoken to me I do not know. You accused me of not caring about you, but in the next breath, you said you realised I loved you. That was never in question. You said you loved me deeply, but your actions did not reflect this. We had such plans and an exciting journey planned, but then it was dashed and ripped away without warning, for reasons only beknown to you.

I did try since that day to show you we still had great potential, but in the end I had to realise the battle was being lost. Your interest faded away.

What is difficult to bear is going forward knowing we will never see what our child would have been like - would she look like us both? Never knowing what our new house would be. We had such exciting plans and you departing was never on my radar.

Everywhere I go now alone I am forever reminded of what we had. My only solace is knowing I did all I could to try and preserve what we had, but sometimes giving your all is just not enough when the dye is cast. Yes, I am devastated, but not beaten.

I am now starting to see my value once again. You may no longer want us, so if you don't then the question I ask is why should I? Yes I am sad, but I will become an 'us' once again in time. You missed out too!
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steelwork
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« Reply #34 on: April 21, 2018, 11:36:30 PM »

I love you.
I forgive you.
Forgive me.
Goodbye.
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blooming
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« Reply #35 on: April 23, 2018, 02:59:52 AM »

If only you knew how much I love you, how I would give everything in the world to have you in my life again, how many tears I have cried since you left me. I wish you would let me in again, I wish you would talk to me, I wish you would be able to explain your feelings to me.

I want to be there for you. I know you're hurting, I know you're not feeling well. I just wish you would let me take care of you like you've taken care of me when I wasn't feeling well.

I wish you could explain to me why you cheated. I wish you would say that it was a one time thing, that it didn't mean anything, that you still loved me. But no, you denied it. Do you realise how much that hurts? Do you realise how absolutely worthless that makes me feel? That I apparently mean so little to you? How is it that you just don't seem to care at all? That you can just say it didn't happen when you know perfectly well it did. I remember that weekend like it was yesterday, how sweet you were, how much we saw eachother. You messaged me when you got home from that party, saying you loved me, the next day you came to cheer me on at my rowing competition. My parents said to me that you clearly loved me, from the way you looked at me. The next weekend we went to a festival. The weekend after that to your parents. I just don't understand how I didn't notice, how you could act like nothing ever happened. How nobody saw or told me. I just don't know how to let go. I keep seeing you with her. It hurts so much.

Dearest, I failed you. I failed us. All the things you told me I was, all the things you accused me of, they're probably true. Because you know me better than anyone.

I don't know how I'll ever get over this. My confidence has been reduced to subzero. All I can think about is you. All I really want to do is cry and cry and cry. I'm trying to stay strong, for the sake of my family and friends. I'm trying to live my life like I normally would. But it's just impossible to be happy without you by my side. The idea that you have already found another who makes you happy hurts so much. I wish I would have been the one for you. But I'm not. Someone else will win the jackpot, will have you by her side all her life. Will have your love to support and guide her.

I will never forget you or forget us. I forgive all the things you said or did to me.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
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« Reply #36 on: May 01, 2018, 02:28:57 PM »

Inko51, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  It's heartening to see you finding strength and noting your own worth.  The person who is with us every moment of our lives is ourselves and it's so important that we put effort into that relationship.  You deserve your own love and care.   
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CryWolf
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« Reply #37 on: May 05, 2018, 05:33:18 PM »

I miss your beautiful laugh, your soft smile, your cute little walk. I miss all of you. I love you. Forever, and always.
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Rhomer

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« Reply #38 on: May 05, 2018, 11:29:44 PM »

I know I said we shouldn't be contacting eachother anymore but its been hard seeing the last message sent from you. It doesn't feel right to cold shoulder you. But it also doesn't feel right to keep things how they had been going. As long as I kept communicating with you, a part of me always held on that someday we would be back together again. So I don't want you to believe that I'm ignoring you because I hate you, or that you were a mistake in my life that I'm trying to forget. I'm always going to miss you too.
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Struggler123
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« Reply #39 on: May 06, 2018, 06:44:38 PM »

Dear, The Girl That Last An Impact on me

I can never forget the first day I met you. I remember seeing you and instantly clicking. It was a very special moment for me. Everything has an ending and so did our story. I don’t blame you at all what you did, because blaming you leaves me with the idea that you changed me for the worse and I am sorry but I can’t give that power to anyone. I want to remember all the good things about you, because thats the kind of person I always was and will always be. I was the one that wasn’t ready for commitment and as much as you want to, you can’t blame me for that indirectly. As for fighting for you, I never knew when you care about someone the only way to show it is to compete and fight. You made your decision, when you asked me if “you should say yes and get married.” I don’t expect you to understand, but I wasn’t someone to lead you on, I didn’t want you to wait around and get annoyed everytime, I said the same thing over and over. The guy your marrying, he’s older and he’s more secured in his career and I hope that he can give you everything I couldn’t give you. I always wanted what was best for you, but you were the one making all the decisions, when you wanted to end it, when it was convinent for you to see me and call me, I did everything based on your schedule but it was never enough. You always make impulsive decisions and i hope that this marriage was not another one of those decisions. You want to be friends with me, but I know a “friend” would not rub the details of their wedding to their ex knowing he doesnt want to listen to it but he’s trying to maintain his composure. You were right, in a couple of years I’ll understand why it didn’t work, but it only took me a month to realize that, there’s a reason some people don’t make it to our future. It’s like they say we can forget what people say but we cant forget how they made us feel. I never categorized you as a BPD or any label for that matter because the label doesn’t define you and nor will it help you. I hope that someday, you can be healthier and you understand that the whole world is not black and white, there are imperfections. I thought I could change you, I thought we could meet somewhere in the middle but, balance was never your best talent. I hope marriage is the prayer to all your problems. I don’t have you blocked, but I don’t want to see you on my social media because the same way you have object permanency issues, I am not a doormat you can throw up on, and expect to clean up the mess. You were right, I do deserve better,  but you didn’t deserve me and it’s time to close the curtains, because like they say if we dont know our self worth who will.

Take care,

Struggler123
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Wicker Man
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« Reply #40 on: May 06, 2018, 07:00:35 PM »

If I could... .  If it wouldn't do more harm than good... .If it wouldn't be adding fuel to a fire I had to extinguish... .  If there was any real hope... .  If... .So many ifs.

My message to her might be this.

You are a beautiful person, you need to learn this.  You need to accept the wonder that is you  --the only way, your only hope is to get help. 

Embrace therapy or your life will end as it began --in pain, abandonment and tragedy.

But this is theoretical and frankly painful to even consider.


Wicker Man
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zachira
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« Reply #41 on: May 06, 2018, 07:43:38 PM »

I have really only had one bad ex and no desire to write a letter to him. What I would like to do is write letters to many of my past exes who were wonderful men who I did not appreciate or deserve. My parents had a strange marriage. My father was happily married to mom and treated her well despite all her bad behaviors. Mom had no end of complaints about dad and said she wanted to divorce him, all behind his back. I realize for many years I was very selfish and expected to be treated like a Queen by my boyfriends, and they deserved better. I am now learning more about giving and taking in relationships, so thank you guys for being so caring and treating me with kindness, even though I did not appreciate you. I hope you guys are all happily married to wonderful women, and I wish you nothing but the best in life.
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blooming
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« Reply #42 on: May 07, 2018, 09:34:08 AM »

Hey,

Have you already forgotten me? I really thought you'd message me again around this time, since yesterday was the concert you asked me to go to. I checked your account and saw that you were listening to music around the time of the concert, which means you didn't go. Did you spend the evening with someone else? Did you meet someone last week who is good enough for you? Is that why you have written me off completely now? It hurts. It just hurts to know that everything is so much easier for you. The letting go. The moving on. I just can't cope. After finding out you cheated on me and lied about it, I just needed some sign from you to know that I did actually mean something to you. But I got none. Was it all a game to you? If only you knew how much I'm hurting.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
somanytears

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« Reply #43 on: May 22, 2018, 02:14:25 PM »

To the woman that will forever hold my heart
I am sorry I was not strong enough to hold our family up. I still sit here thinking about our last day together at home, how i would ask you if you’d miss me when I was gone and how your beautiful face would turn and reply with such emotion and say of course I will. I wish you did, two weeks later you told me that you don’t even think of me, you’ve moved on from our 8 years of family and love so quickly, so coldly. You devestated me to the point where I could not live with myself any longer. You brought my insecuries to life by bringing him into your life instantly after I had left, the guy who was nothing to worry about suddenly became everything you thought about while you pushed me to the curb to die. I became Horribly suicidal, lost 70 pounds in a month and went days with no sleep, I couldn’t bare to tell you what you had caused because I know deep down you no longer care. When I called you for help because I couldn’t hold on you told me to leave you alone  that you no longer wanted to hear me cry. If I had known he things I’ve knowing now maybe I wouldn’t have scooped to rock bottom. I wanted to hate you, I wanted to resent every ounce of your cold heart for what you did to me after all I’ve done for you. But I know you’re not okay and I can’t even bare the thought of hating you my love, as the last eight years for me we’rent perfect but they were with the woman of my dreams. I love you, and I forgive you for everything as I hope you could forgive me one day. You’ll never be capable of understanding what you mean to me and why I couldn’t just throw you away as you did with me but I’m strong now and I’m going to be here for our son and if the day ever came that you decide to come home I’ll be here with open arms.
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Shawnlam
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« Reply #44 on: May 22, 2018, 03:51:38 PM »

Well love, it seems after much thought and reflection it’s seems we just aren’t capatable.Regardless of how much I love you ,it just isn’t gonna change anything of the inevitable outcome.Even with your illness the crazyness is I still love you ,you little brat .For 5 + years I’ve had the privilege of knowing you,the good ,the bad,the tender,the wicked.All of those elegant in their own way .You also got to see the sides of me that were not so happy and shawn like.

God I remember that evening on one of our dates when you were so figgity and shy in front of me not knowing to kiss me or not even after we’ve known each other for so long .We had some great times didn’t we,and deep down at those times in your eyes I could see you loved me and chose me to be yours forever ( or for what you thought was forever)... .unfortunately that dark evil illness blanketed that burning white soul and the depressing and angry ,anxious and sad came  seeping through.I tried to understand,I tried to fix it,I even fooled myself to try and conquer it... .but sadly it took you from me .At first it pained me to lose that fight,it pained me to feel stupid ,but after further education what pained me the most? Losing you ... .and still loving you even now... .that pain is unreplicatable and can’t be extinguished by any other stimulus .In a way I kinda got a taste of what you live with everyday ,the torment and darkness is unmatched by any bad day,bad week,bad year etc .

If I was given three wishes for myself or just one for someone else ... .I’d wish you to be well,even knowing there maybe a very good chance you’d never of picked me being well and normal.It may sound tacky and BS. But it’s the truth.You know I have money ,you know I have health,but you,you were something much more precious to me than any of those things .Boy am I gonna miss you baby, you know I even sold my Acura just because I couldn’t drive it anymore I’d always thing of the good times and places we went to in their.Especially that winter storm we got lost and you were trying to navigate us back to the chalet  LOL  god your a special woman you know that.What ever man gets to keep you my hats off to him for being so lucky.

So many so many good times , so many long drives ,walks ,talks , never matched by anyone I’ve had,and the fear it may never happen again.I know you said to me once “I got like 1500 pictures in my phone”.I know ours are but a small percentage of those ,and you have many more of the other men you’ve had.All I can say is I hope one day you won’t have to live by your digital memory anymore and instead live with the privilege of walking up to your good times partner and hug and kiss them whenever you wish... .(trust me when I say it’s a much better feeling).

Goodbye baby ,
Love you always Shawn.
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Emily303

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« Reply #45 on: May 24, 2018, 11:08:12 AM »

I am relieved to find this thread. I very much want to contact my ex but I know it would end in agony. Our relationship lasted eight months. In retrospect, everything about him was BPD. He confided in me that saw a therapist to work on his history of failed relationships and his fear of abandonment, but BPD never came up. We fell in love hard and fast (more so than anything i'd experienced before) and by the third month he wanted to buy a house together. We made life plans. It was crazy and fantastic. He showered me with love and care and passion - then he started to get jealous, very needy, and moody. Then there were outbursts of anger (though mostly not directed at me.) He cried a lot. I still didn't know about BPD, and, if I had, I would have done things differently. Instead, I told him I needed a break. I still loved him, wasn't ending the relationship, but instead needed some distance to think about my own abandonment fears (I was adopted) and the speed at which we were moving, and my job pressures, which were huge. Four weeks later I came back to him, told him I loved him and talked about what had been happening for me and what I though I learned from it about both of us. He was furious (fair enough) and cold and said he no longer loved me. Said there was no second chance, he couldn't risk another breakdown and hence as a survival mechanism he had irreversibly detached from me. I now feel like the break I took (which was TOTALLY unlike me in relationship, completely unprecedented) was a fantastic mistake -- a hard thing to ask of any partner but fatal when your partner is BPD. Somewhere inside me there is a rational voice that says I am well out of it, and might even have pulled back out of a sub conscious survival mechanism. But oh my god am I in agony. Being in love with him was like crack cocaine. I am plagued by obsessive thoughts that are stronger than all my techniques for defusing them (meditation, yoga, exercise, socializing, burying myself in my work). I think it's as bad as it is for three other reasons (in addition to abrupt removal from a BPD romantic rollercoaster ride): one, he is already with someone else, a woman I actually met at the last party we attended together (!); two, I am prone to pining anyway; I don't give up easily; always forgive and try to understand - it's partly an adopted thing; I'll do anything to bring the loved one back; and three; he is like a alien from another planet. I don't recognize him when we talk (last time, two weeks ago). He is cold, distant, self-absorbed, implacable. This is hell. I am trying to accept that the man I was in love with was a phantom, or maybe just one facet of a strangely divided psyche. I can see that many of the stories here are similar.
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Emily303

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« Reply #46 on: May 24, 2018, 04:02:12 PM »

I am afraid I am at the point where I would just say to my ex:

Please come back, please come back, please come back. We both said that what we had was so rare; isn’t it worth fighting for? We were so happy this time last year. Please come back.

I’ve tried saying slightly less pathetic versions of this to him. He says there’s no going back. I can’t believe that this man who said and acted like he was so over-the-top in love with me could just turn the lights off on his feelings so quickly. Bam!
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uni_all

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« Reply #47 on: May 26, 2018, 10:04:07 AM »

A Brad Pitt movie I watched since our last breakup, there was a line in it where he was talking about his romantic relationship with one of the characters, and he said that it had run its course. So maybe that's what's happened with us, we have run our course, we have evolved us as far as we can go.

I know that you will find a way to have a wonderful life without me.

Goodbye
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WarOfRoses

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« Reply #48 on: May 26, 2018, 04:56:07 PM »

Dear Ex

You flipped my life and turned it upside down. Id like to take a minute to while you sit right there reading this. To tell you how this all happened. I met you in a playground in west Philadelphia. We chilled together and played some basket ball outside the school. Some guys started making trouble that day and I protected you. You never appreciated this even though my parents sent me to live with my aunt and uncle because they were scared I was getting into trouble.

You refused to come with me and I had to get a taxi all the way there. It took hours and I didnt get there until 7 or 8. That taxi ride was horrible as you wasnt with me and the car stank. When he dropped me off I turned to him and said "yo homes smell you later". You would have laughed.

I have lived with my aunt and uncle for a while now and still you have refused to come and see me and you wont let me visit you.

I hope one day we can be together again.

I love you.

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« Reply #49 on: May 27, 2018, 10:05:04 AM »

Hi dear,

I really don't understand the way your mind works. How do you think it's okay to expect me to return to you every single time, after the way you've treated me? Every time you let me go so easily. And every time, after a few weeks or a few months, you come back. Saying you missed me and want to be with me. Then, when I finally give in to you and we start seeing eachother again, you lose interest again. You don't message me for entire days. You don't have time to meet up. You become distant. You don't seem interested in anything I tell you. You'd prefer for me to just be there to have sex with and fall asleep next to me, I think. Then at some point, you end it again. You say you're head is too fulll. You're study is taking too much of your time and energy. You say you're not doing well. You can't be in a relationship now. Then I don't hear from you for a few weeks or a few months and the cycle continues.

I am done with that cycle now dear. I won't bring myself down like that anymore. I can't descripbe to you how the past 6 months have broken me down, have reduced my confidence to nothing. You have hurt me time and time again. I have shed so many tears because of you. And you don't seem to care at all. You only care when it's convenient to you. I found out you cheated on me. That you kissed another when we we're still together. You deny it. You even bring it up again and then you deny it again.

You told me the longest period you didn't date a girl since you were 16 was two weeks. And now you expect me to believe that you haven't been with anyone but me since january? Are you kidding me? I am not stupid. Why do you have to lie about that? It's not like we were together. You probably just think the chances of me coming back to you are bigger when you seem to have a really hard time and are not over me and can't be with anyone else yet. But it's not going to happen anymore.

You contradict yourself in everything you say. In the conversations we had this week, you say you just want to be with me now and that it's not just about sex for you. But on the other hand when I offer to go for a walk you say 'but then we'll probably jump in the bushes together' and when I offer to go for coffee you don't seem interested. So it seems like sex is pretty much the only thing on your mind. Also the fact that you just want to see me 'now'. Nothing about wanting to get back together, just something temporarily. Just one night with a bottle of wine and a cuddle session in bed, as you told me. It hurts me so much to hear that's all you need me for now. Is that what I have turned into to you? Don't you care anymore about my feelings and what that would do to me? I have tried so many times to explain to you why that wouldn't be good for me, but all you say is that I'm being difficult and too complex. That you don't understand why I'm not there for you when you need me so much. That that's what we promised to eachother (I don't remember any such promises).

We both know it won't work between us anymore. We keep going in the same circle. You don't want me like that anymore.  I think you don't love me anymore. And I do not trust you anymore. I know you cheated on me, yet you still deny it. You went to find refuge in dating apps and random girls before you talked to me about how you weren't doing well. You have cheated on and deceived all your past girlfriends. You have lied so much to me about your past love life. And I always felt like I was living in her shadow. The ex who is supposedly your soulmate. The one you'll never get over. But also the one you most probably cheated on for over half a year with another ex.

Please let me go dear. Please let us go. Please let us move on. I hope we can be friends in the future, but we both have to realise that what we had is gone. I wish I could make you see what you did to me. I wish I could make you realise that what you're asking of me now is ridiculous. But I know that's not possible.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Getoverit
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« Reply #50 on: June 08, 2018, 01:52:17 AM »

The more I get involved with you the more I feel like I don't know who you are. What gets replayed to the death is your behavior which is the same ol' boring bullsh*t--lies, manipulation, cheating, acting. Let me vent about your ability to act. I used to think that it's surprising that you didn't become a lawyer considering your ability to believe in any lie you tell yourself, but now I think it's a pity you didn't become an actor. I say pity because perhaps then you could have channeled your borderline skills toward a job isolated in a manufactured setting where it is understood that you are merely playing a part. But instead this is real life you are in with real people and real feelings and you continue to hurt people by being yourself. How sad is that? You lack the ability to understand how my life has been negatively impacted by your actions, inactions... .the list goes on. I have never felt so angry to the point where I have wanted to jump off your balcony to end the misery you make me feel. When you have shoved, pushed, pulled, slammed my body I knew you were being kind--I'm sure with time I would literally become your punching bag and end up fighting for my life. I have never before had to sit in a doctor's office crying about my regrets for being patient, empathetic, and understanding. I wasted all my love and good energy on you. I am not at that point yet where I can wish you well and/or thank you for challenging me to confirm how strong I am. Instead, I feel beaten down, weak, and afraid to love again while you feel empowered, omnipotent, and excited to destroy once more. I'll play dead. Enjoy the rest of your show a**hole.
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toomanydogs
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« Reply #51 on: June 09, 2018, 10:44:10 AM »

honey,
 i so wish you hadn't done this, hadn't left me. because of the difference in our ages, you were part husband/part son. as the years unfolded (and can you believe it was 11 years with a 10 year marriage. not a bad run) you became much more a son to me. the sex dried up, and i kicked it into top gear trying to take care of you. like you'd asked.
  but it wasn't enough. or maybe it wasn't what you wanted, after all.
  i loved you. i wonder if you know that. i don't think your family knows i loved you. i really don't. i suspect they can't imagine why anyone would or could love you. your own mother, the day before we married, asked if i was sure i wanted "to do this." she said i seemed like a nice woman, did i know what i was getting myself into?
  maybe not. maybe i didn't know, baby. god, i miss you. i miss the man i thought you were, the man i thought you'd be with me. do you remember when i first met you face-to-face? we were lying in bed, and i told you the day i died i wanted to be staring into your eyes. your eyes made me feel safe, made me feel loved, cherished.
  and then... .then, as the months turned into years, your illness kicked in, or maybe you relaxed and thought you could be more "yourself," and all the while you behaved so abominably, i kept seeing your core, your potential. i kept insisting to myself that if you were well, you wouldn't act the way you were acting: you wouldn't announce on facebook you were sexually attracted to your mother and sister.
  i spent so much time, too much time, putting out fires, trying to ease the ill will you'd generated with your family with the landscaper, the housekeeper, your caregiver. i put out fires. again and again and again.
  and remember when i filed for divorce? i was so naive. i thought it'd be easy. i thought my prenup protected me, and so i just told my lawyer then that i wanted the prenup and half our business.
  and nothing is easy. and for you because not only are you mentally ill--and god knows what your final diagnosis will be--you're rich and your family is ruthless. they went after me back then, and i understood. because i have such maternal feelings for you, i've always wanted to protect you. (you know, baby, i so wanted to protect you that even when i found a video you'd shot back in december of a woman you were "madly in love with" a woman who was your "soulmate" just as i had one time been your soulmate, when i saw that video and i heard her call your new apartment a sh**hole, i felt angry at her. I got my back up. ":)on't say that to him," i wanted to scream. How effed up is that? That I'm angry at the woman you're sleeping with because she insulted you?)
  But back when i first filed for divorce, i understood your father. he saw me as someone who was hurting his son, he wanted to hurt me back. i got it. this time around, i don't get it. i tried everything i could with you, to help, but... .
  you had a psychiatrist who wanted me to be okay with your traveling and not telling me where you were. she wanted me to be okay with your just sending me a text every 24 hours, saying "safe." I never use the 'c' word when describing a woman. i use it with her.
  i asked her if she'd be okay if her husband went traveling alone without telling her where he was going and then every 24 hours said he was "safe."
  and she diagnosed you with schizophrenia. what kind of psychiatrist thinks that it's okay for a patient with schizophrenia not to let people know where he is? a psychiatrist who's having sex with the client, i guess.
  when all this is over, meaning the divorce, i am reporting her. she harmed you, baby, and she harmed me. she is a danger, and she needs to be reported.
   and i asked your dad to help. i told him that you thought i was stealing from you, just as you always thought your dad was stealing from you. i told him. again and again and again. i told him, divide the money differently so your son doesn't see the money. i asked your dad to give me my own money, take it out of the prenup, i told him. wow. what an idiot i was, eh?
  it would have cost your dad so little to change how the money was allocated. so little to address that delusion/that paranoia you've always had that people were stealing your money.
  i know you were difficult. impossible, at times, and still i loved you. i still love you. you asked when we got married to promise that i'd love you unconditionally, and i promised. and i kept that promise. the thing about unconditional love, honey, is that's the kind of love a parent has for a child.
  and now that child--you--is gone from my life. i worry about you. i worry if there's anyone in your life who understands you the way i did. honey, i knew you were shame-based. i knew you didn't feel good about yourself that you'd been made fun of when you were a kid. i knew you didn't have social skills. i was willing to be that for you. all you had to do was learn to be kind, to be respectful, to try to get better.
  i knew there'd be slip-ups, but i also know you didn't try. no. you wanted a pill that would make you feel better, that would teach you how to have a relationship, and i kept telling you, from experience, that there was no way around any of what confronted you but through it. you had to go through it. you had to live it, experience it, and relearn how to be in the world.
  i'm a teacher. you once told me that's what you loved about me. yeah?
  really? from where i sit today, honey, i look at everything you ever told me and now think what you said was not necessarily a lie but more a design, a calculation, intended to get an effect, a certain kind of response.
  as i've told other people, as far as i can tell, i am the only one involved in this dram who benefits from this divorce. you don't benefit. studies are fairly consistent: people with severe mental illness do better with familial support; you no longer have that. your family doesn't benefit because eventually you will probably need long-term care, which means your father will need to step in at some level. he does love you, but loving you is hard, and emotionally i don't think your father's up to it. he feels guilty, and he, like you, wants an easy fix, not necessarily quick, but a fix that is neat, tidy, doesn't require emotional regurgitation. he won't get that.
  me? i've always been strong. i'll get by. and, baby, i don't regret being with you. you taught me my worth. i don't mean my financial worth although that's included. no, you taught me what i want and deserve from any man who's going to be in my life.
  i want the intensity you brought to our relationship. i want the laughter you brought to sex. i want the romantic touches--the book you put together of all the emails we'd written one another.
  i used to be so so angry, and now, honey, now i'm sad. i'm grieving. you're gone. for good. my life has changed regardless of how i didn't want it to change. I'm just sad, just so effin' sad.
TMD
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Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world... Einstein
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« Reply #52 on: June 10, 2018, 12:46:45 AM »

Thank you so much for not contacting me in any way on our anniversary. I feel relief and freedom!
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Zen606
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« Reply #53 on: June 10, 2018, 02:43:39 AM »

To the Warlock,
I have often thought of what to say to you in a letter. It would not be a long, complex letter because you would get lost in all of the words. It could not be too short because then you would not get the essence of how I perceive you at this moment. So I guess something in the middle may work, although long, medium, or short you will read what you want into it and of course become enraged that I would challenge you in any way. 

My last letter to you when the 3rd break came was very short. Essentially it said that it "was over and let's  leave it there". I had had enough of the emails and texts about how we tried but it did not work but you also wanted to know when you would see me again. You were doing the "I don't want you, I want you"  yo-yo thing, again, something that seemed to happen every 4 months when things were going good.  The first time you did this I was stunned, the second time it was not a surprise, just disappointed that it had happened so soon and knowing that this break-up would be the last for me. I had had enough, and in such a short time  that I had known you. I often think what a relationship over time would have been like with you.

But you know Warlock, I have to also tell you this. You may not have figured this out but I was already on to you and the distortions you had been telling me and the deceits -- all part of your repertoire. I observed the way you would respond to things, particularly when you spoke about your wife. And the day I mentioned that I had seen her website and that she appeared to be an accomplished potter and that I was interested in emailing her about her porcelain pieces, your face twisted up and then you blurted out that you might as well tell me. You related a scrambled story that implied domestic violence, arrest by the cops, and sending you to the hospital for observation. Big red flag. 

Then your stroke and how your wife left you after 28 years of marriage. Judging from the little I have seen of you, I am not surprised that she refused to take care of you after the suffering she must have experienced in her marriage to you -- if you were really married for that long. 

The impotency thing, do you remember that?  Not telling me about it until I was so in love with you and had great expectations of the great sex that can come from 2 people in love. Now I see why you avoided sex for months claiming that you wanted to just hold me and bond.  Then the sex toys you wanted me to try after I realized that you were impotent. That did not work with me either. Then the story about how you had ordered viagra but it was a scam, so no viagra.  Then there was the story about how you never did anything about the impotence issue when you tried sex for the first time after your stroke. You said the girl wasn't worth it. Another red flag.

Then the story about your wife being a jealous woman and how she did not like you having a young woman as a friend. I could see how this could happen with your roving eye. Yet, you repeated so many times to me how you were a "one woman man", too many times for it to be re-assuring. The clincher was to prove me quite insightful. 

Then the clincher, the self-sabotage you did so well. I watched you dig yourself into a hole trying to explain your way out of a comment you made that was supposed to compliment me. How you "no longer had to go to Walmart and strike up friendships with women that could put our relationship in jeopardy". I asked you twice if you had been doing this while we were seeing each other, silence both times, although you did say I was opening a can of worms. Instead you became rude and angry saying that I had insulted your integrity. Bingo!

After that I had nothing more to say, it was over for me that very moment, I could never trust you again. You kept sending me emails and texting for about 2 months asking when you would see me. Did you really think I would fall for that again?

I hope you find what you are looking for at Walmart.  I know you will never find someone like me, educated, beautiful, intelligent, and financially independent, someone who loved you with your many stroke-related disabilities. Someone who thought you beautiful and desirable, and loved you sincerely.

Go for it at Walmart, there is such a range of women choices there. But before you go shopping I hope you kick yourself for having lost someone like me. 

Long letter? Got lost in the words? Angry? I really don't care.

Adios.
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« Reply #54 on: June 19, 2018, 04:23:37 AM »

Dear S

You have no idea how much damage you have caused me over these past 6 months. How deep you buried that knife into my heart by leaving me. You always told me that if we were to ever break up, I would be better off than you would be. That I'd find someone else much easier than you. You said that I would be the one to leave out of the two of us, that I would be the one to cause all the damage. But look at us now, I'm still standing here where you left me, my heart bleeding out of my chest for you. You said that we would be together forever, that you would hold onto me tightly, that we would be able to get through anything together. But here we are, you walking away from me and finding someone else in the blink of an eye. 6 months on and you've already gone through one guy and you're onto the next. 6 months on and you've lost your best friend. 6 months on and you've pushed away everyone that actually cared about you and you're now seeking those relationships you've lost, with others that left you. You became everything you said I would become, you became everything you said you wouldn't be.

All this time you've projected all of your fears, insecurities and sadness onto others, because when the time comes that those around you, are gone, it's easier to blame us than to look at yourself and see the real problem. Deep down you know that it is you that is the problem, because why else would you say I see you as a monster. Why else would you say you blame me for making you doubt who you are and see yourself as the monster. Why else would you always tell me I made you the villain and myself the victim. I admit there was a time where I struggled to deal with my emotions, but at no time did I intentionally make you the villain. Even though my anxiety at those times disallowed me from saying it, but I think all this time I knew that your reactions to my mistakes were over the top. You knew as well that you overreacted to my acts of thoughtlessness, selfishness and inconsideration. It was like you punished me for a $50 crime when it was only $5 or $10. All this hate for me, all this anger at expressing how I feel is really you seeing me hold a mirror for you. Seeing your reflection scares the crud out of you, because you know that this is what we see. You aren't a monster my dear, you have a monster within you. I don't hate you, I just want you to get the help that you need. We all live with monsters, it's up to us to deal with them the best we can.

I know last year was hard and I know I made a lot of mistakes. That I wasn't there for you when you needed me, that I had been thoughtless and careless. I take responsibility for my own actions and for my part in our failed relationship, but I don't think you take responsibility for your part in it. You don't see or you choose not to see, how you were also responsible for our downfall. I know that what you went through was incredibly difficult and I'm proud of you for how you handled it. I'm so proud of you for coming through such a crazy and terrifying ordeal the way you did. But how can you expect me to always be there when we live worlds away. When we have +15 hours time difference. When I need to finish my studies and keep working to be able to have a life. I was incredibly stressed, alone and under a lot of pressure from all sides. My biggest fear last year was that you would call me on skype and tell me that the doctor has just informed you that you have terminal cancer. That plagued my mind constantly, every minute of every day and I couldn't cope.
There is no doubt in my mind if I was on medication, things would have been much better, that I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly drowning. But you need to understand is that I'm not responsible for your own wellbeing or happiness. We as individuals are responsible for our own wellbeing and happiness.
You know if we lived in the same city or the same country, I would have been by your side more. I would have been to every important appointment, been there to take you home from the hospital, to cheer you up when you were struggling. I would have cooked for you, read you stories, did everything in my power to help and look after you.

You knew all of this so why do you say now that I only pretended to love you. That I only showed you my love through monetary gifts. That I'm the selfish one that always plays the victim. I know that with my anxiety disorder, I probably would have struggled to make some changes. But you leaving me tells me you weren't willing enough to try. That you didn't love me enough to work on our relationship.

In the end you always said you loved me more, because you were the one willing to move from one side of the world to my side. You said you loved me more, because you made sacrifices for me, made so many compromises. You said you loved me more because you were always there when I needed you. In the end you leaving told me that I loved you more all along
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WindofChange
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« Reply #55 on: June 19, 2018, 08:47:38 PM »

You called me today. I answered the phone. It was so hard to hear your voice. I know the things you're going through are very difficult for you, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm glad to hear you're in regular therapy, and hope you continue. But hearing your voice brings up all those feelings I was trying to get past. I miss you. I miss you like my left arm. I still have my right arm, so I can still do everything I need to do, go to work, drive, function in my daily life. But a big part of me is missing. I'm off balance, everything is awkward. Nothing feels right. Not being with you is affecting everything. I suddenly feel so depressed again. I thought I was doing pretty well, going to work, exercising, spending time with friends and family, seeing my counselor. But then I hear your voice and my feelings well up and my mood plummets.
And I try to remind myself of all the lies you've told, all the ways you hurt me, destroyed my self esteem, broke my heart, shut me out. How I narrowed my world until you were all I focused on, trying to keep you happy, walking on eggshells around you so I wouldn't set you off... .And how I let it affect me, drinking to numb my own pain, isolating myself so I wouldn't have to tell lies to my friends and family... .
In the end, our intense, passionate, intimate connection wasn't worth it. The intense highs weren't worth the devastating lows. That's what I have to remember. The pain wasn't worth the love. For a long time, I thought it was. But everyone has their breaking point. And I had mine.
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« Reply #56 on: June 19, 2018, 11:44:03 PM »

 Just found this in my drafts folder. Apparently I wrote it 2.5 years ago. Huh. I was pretty smart back then.


I can never apologize enough for being a source of emotional pain to you. I mean that. You loved me and had a reasonable need: for me to be with you. I couldn't, back then. There were reasons I couldn't, but those are no longer of any relevance. I just hope you know that not loving you was not one of them. I loved you deeply, and I lost you. That's my pain, what I live with. Well, that's part of it. And the pain you lived with clearly had to do with much more than not getting me, since after all you could have had me in the end.

I don't know if the person I met after you'd gotten together with someone else was the real you all along--if you'd been hiding him from me, or if you invented him later. It doesn't matter. That person was cruel and sarcastic and hateful to me, was indifferent to or refused acknowledge the crisis I was experiencing (losing everything, all at once, yet trying to be a good sport). Then he decided to act like I didn't exist. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

I'm sorry for hurting you, and I wish it had turned out differently, but at least I can hold my head up and say I never treated you with malice. I don't know what story you've told yourself, but don't ever believe you acted with honor in this. I don't want the person you are now. I'm only mourning the person you were--or who I thought you were. Me? I'm always the same person. I have my values and my opinions and attributes, my core self. You don't even have that.

I miss that other guy (who may never have existed), and I hope he knew he was loved.
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EdR
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« Reply #57 on: June 20, 2018, 01:26:28 PM »

Just found this in my drafts folder. Apparently I wrote it 2.5 years ago. Huh. I was pretty smart back then.


I can never apologize enough for being a source of emotional pain to you. I mean that.

I don't know if the person I met after you'd gotten together with someone else was the real you all along--if you'd been hiding him from me, or if you invented him later. It doesn't matter. That person was cruel and sarcastic and hateful to me, was indifferent to or refused acknowledge the crisis I was experiencing (losing everything, all at once, yet trying to be a good sport). Then he decided to act like I didn't exist. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

I'm sorry for hurting you, and I wish it had turned out differently, but at least I can hold my head up and say I never treated you with malice. I don't know what story you've told yourself, but don't ever believe you acted with honor in this. I don't want the person you are now. I'm only mourning the person you were--or who I thought you were. Me? I'm always the same person. I have my values and my opinions and attributes, my core self. You don't even have that.

I miss that other guy (who may never have existed), and I hope he knew he was loved.

I removed a tiny part and would have to change the gender in your  mail, but now this could basically be something I could write.

Every now and then I would like to discuss the absurdity of the situation. But I think every sign of life from my side would be used to her advantage. I would fit the stalker role in her story perfectly.
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« Reply #58 on: June 25, 2018, 04:47:57 AM »

Hi [... .],


You know... .I would never send you anything like this in real life, but on these boards I can.
These past events were just too much. I even posted a lot about it right here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325428.0

You have really gone too far this time and you have hurt me enormously. I just do not understand why though... .

Let me ask you this one question: when I asked professionals (some of them knew you quite well) for advice more than a year ago, they all clearly indicated that you most probably caught feelings for me. And those feelings scared you. For months I just could NOT believe them and just focussed on what I could possibly have done wrong.

But my actions don't even seem to matter here... .do they? You continue to tell your friends and family half-truths and even complete lies to fabricate stories in which you are some kind of victim.
You know... .one of the professionals I mentioned foretold this would happen. From the moment you started to behave this way more than a year ago, there was just no way back. You would lose face. So the only way forward would be to keep these fabrications coming and blame me. Oh my... .was she right... .

In a way your behaviour seems to hurt you as well. At times you seem to be sorry. You even behave like nothing ever happened. And just look at these past events: I don't know what you told your family, but they clearly indicated that all this messed you up.

So back to my question and please give me an honest answer here: did/do you really have feelings for me?

If so? Why would you be influenced to such an extent, that you are hurting someone you care about? In the end you are responsible for your own actions here!

If not? Please explain to me what the hell is going on then?


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« Reply #59 on: June 25, 2018, 11:39:03 AM »

Another attempt. Very different and something I could actually imagine to send:


Hi [... .],


So I've learned you sent your [family member] after me and I heard rumours about these past events at work.

Why would you do this? I really do not understand.

I was the one who got blocked, I was the one who got called all these terrible things by your friends. I was the one who remained calm. You, even under pressure of your friends, refused to say you wanted to cut off contact. Afterwards during our talk, your boyfriend even concluded that you did indeed want to remain in touch and he was fine with it. You guys even suggested to have a drink in the near future. You even oddly suggested during our talk that you thought it was important that I still like you.

Later that night you unblocked me. Without any text from my part, you even sent me an apology text the next night. And you said that you told your friends all those accusations just simply were not true. I just replied I was hurt and that I had to reflect on all of this and later asked you if you also told your friend/employee who left early that night.

There was no communication after that. So why would you suddenly block me again 4 or 5 days after this last text? Why would you even sent your [family member]? What have you told him/her?

What's happening here?

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