My grandfather has passed

[pearlsw]

Thanks all for the support/kind replies!

I feel like I'm in the dysfunction Olympics... .It's coming from all sides. Gonna try to laugh and cry my way through these tough times... .Tough times never last... .He's up and down, but that's kinda him typically... .He's applying for jobs in the US which is making my head spin as he was just about to divorce me... .He does extreme things and then it's all as if it didn't happen - for him. I reminded him of this recent history, that all this stuff really just happened, he said and did this - demanded a divorce and the holiday season disappeared for me... .his shame and embarrassment started to rise as I spoke so I let up on him... .

I am just going to take one day at a time and hope for more alone time to think and breathe. I was about 85-90% towards just ending the relationship and going back on my own to the US... .I had a place to live lined up and was gearing up to reorient my life... .and then I "saved" the relationship... .That is still confusing to me... .I guess I just didn't want it to end over false accusations or mood swings... .I managed to "restabililze" things... .I don't know if he'd like the version of me he'd get in the US... .I'd have a lot more freedom there... .could walk out the door anytime of the day or night... .resources, options, a full life... .he'd have less control... .I dunno. I'll figure it all out, but it's a lot all at once - having to help him with his emotional work and doing my own and things being even more insecure/unstable... .No idea where the future is heading.

 I am not sure what... .I feel a level of obligation and responsibility, but he had just sent me emotionally in another direction... .towards detaching a bit... .Sigh. Could there ever be a right time to end things... .? It feels like I can't leave him now... .but I wouldn't even have been thinking about leaving if he hadn't been SO insistent that I go... .I was feeling happier about him before this last "breakup threat"... .these are real to me. Real. For him it is just about getting out of immediate pain, but the pain and damage it causes me and the relationship... .geez.

[Meili]

Hey pearls, sorry to hear that you are having to deal with all of this at once.

Do you realize that his having less control over you would actually be good for the relationship? It would keep you less enmeshed and thus make you a stronger person. Strength is what it takes to make these relationships work. Just some food for thought.

[Radcliff]

Wow, pearls, your complicated situation just got a little more complicated.  You are certainly having to work overtime trying to figure out how to balance respect for yourself and respect for your partner.  I'm sorry that it is such a tough situation.

If your husband were to get a job in the States, would he be relying on your marital status to immigrate to the U.S., or would a refugee visa or company sponsorship be able to support him?  Cutting to the chase, could you be put in the awkward situation of him losing his job and having to leave the country if the relationship didn't work out?

WW

[wendydarling]

So sorry for your loss pearlsw and hope you find the space for you at this difficult time   

[pearlsw]

thanks ya'll!

Wentworth

Good question. I suppose he’d have both options. It’s pretty serious if we continue and start a life over there. I would never mess with his immigration status in any way so this would be a serious re-up on this marriage stuff. I wasn’t sure I have that much time for this left in me…I am beyond tired of these break-up threats, I’ve had seven years of them, and while the last year of them I’ve felt I had to give him more leeway on them…I just can’t go through what I just went through over the holidays ever again. At the least, if we’re still a couple, I’m doing the end of December/beginning of January on my own or with friends/relatives. He’s hurt over this and not wanting to imagine this…but I can’t imagine another crappy holiday season like that ever again. I don’t like being “loved” like this…it is too intense and drama filled for my more balanced personality.

As usual I’m working to keep him calm and he is deliriously happy with me - back on his upswing - as long as I don’t bring up what just happened. He can’t handle the pain of talking stuff over very much, so I stop when I see he can’t handle it, but I am left with no one to talk to about my stuff. He is already on the verge of cancelling his next visit with his kids…upcoming in March…he says he can’t handle it with the stress he’s under because of his job loss. I am glad he is becoming more aware of this stress and sees his limits…but sad that he’s giving up the time he fought so hard for with his kids (after their intl’ abduction many years ago) and letting his ex-wife possibly take them out of the Schengen area again, meaning she’d have another chance to kidnap them…but they are older now and it seems much, much less likely, but still…more stress. Poor guy working his butt off to pay for, but rarely see his kids. The ex tries to pump him to pay for the kids to take vacations with her and she gets all the school time too…anyway…his stuff. I’ve taken too much of it on in the past and I trust they’ll sort it all out.

I just wish he hadn’t put so much effort into damaging my feelings for him…Even if we were solid, my own job dissatisfaction in life would be a big issue…lots going on…Waiting to hear when I’ll be going to my grandpa’s funeral…I adored him and had no problems with him but some of my aunts and uncles had more conflicted relationships with him so…this is going to take some effort to navigate. Nervous to see my family…that dramatic night he started calling all of them was such a whirl I don’t know what I said to who, and who knows or thinks what…that could get weird for me…but I’ll manage. I always do.  Thanks for asking. Hope you are holding in there too!

Meili

I know it might not seem like it, but I’m pretty strong and come from a family of tough folks - many of whom would have been all over him if they’d known. I just didn’t ask and wanted to handle it all myself, not because I’m weak, but because I believe in myself and don’t need others so much. He only has more control at times because of where/how we live overseas, but he’s a paper tiger. All that “control” evaporates instantly in my home country. I would never make him have any fear though…well, my family might…In fact, I know my brothers would sit him down and straighten him out…but I don’t need that. I can handle myself. If it was just that he was a jerk, that would have been one thing, but I have always believed this was more complicated, is mental illness, and that has made it all much more complicated for me to sort out.  

wendydarling,

thanks so much! that’s exactly what i need - time alone to think and sort myself out so i can make a decisive plan for this year.  

thanks ya’ll!   and thanks wools and HQ!   

[Radcliff]

Yup, that's what I had on my mind -- if his immigration status were dependent on your relationship, that would be a pretty heavy load on you as you try to navigate where you're headed.

WW

[Meili]

He may be a paper tiger, but from where I sit (and I say this with the utmost caring and respect), it looks like he exhorts a lot of control over you and your emotions. I say this based on your comments about your being fearful of who you communicate with, when, and how; and the stress over the threats of ending the relationship. He seems to keep you on edge.

I don't know if he'd like the version of me he'd get in the US... .I'd have a lot more freedom there... .could walk out the door anytime of the day or night... .resources, options, a full life... .he'd have less control... .I dunno.

You should have those things now, no matter where you are living. If you are giving them up by choice, that's one thing; but it doesn't sound like it based on the quote.

[Radcliff]

Pearl, it's tough.  When we can "save" things, and times are good, it's hard to let go of that.  No matter how many down cycles I experienced, when an "up" cycle came, especially if I'd worked hard trying to make it happen (whether my efforts were impactful or the cycle just ran its course) it was hard to imagine threatening the relationship.  That's the whole, ironic thing -- they threaten the relationship first, which makes us feel like we want to counter the threat and do whatever we can to save it.  It seems to work well for them, at least judging by our behavior.

Another irony is that we get pulled into the black and white world.  It becomes so hard to integrate all the good and bad and come up with one way we consistently feel about the relationship.  It makes decision making a bear!

I think there is hardly ever a good time to leave.  I found myself sucked into magical thinking, hoping my wife would do something so obvious that anyone would think I had to leave.  That just kept me stuck, since my "obvious" bar was really not a helpful approach.

You seem to be thinking about how you want to be able to live your life.  The things you are asking for -- connections to others, meaningful work, emotional and physical safety -- these are all reasonable things to want.  It sounds like as you are doing this you are raising the bar for how you want to be treated, and you are starting to communicate warnings to your partner.  He may respond, or he may not.  This seems like a good approach to navigate the situation with integrity, which I know is an important driver for you.  It feels like you are starting to be more honest with yourself and with him.  Keep it up!

WW

[Woolspinner2000]

Pearlsw,

In thinking about your grandpa, I wanted to share something with you that my aunt told me when my grandpa passed away. I was missing him so much and had a good relationship with him, like you with your grandpa. My aunt said that grandparents are just free to love and enjoy their grandchildren, without the responsibility of having to raise them. My aunts and uncles were raised by my grandpa and grandma, and as a parent, the relationship and responsibilies are different. I've always remembered this, that my grandpa was free to love me.

That may be why your aunts and uncles had a different relationship with him than he had with you.

 

[Radcliff]

Woolspinner2000, thanks for talking about Pearl's grandpa, that reminds me -- Pearl if you would like to share, I am sure some of us would like to hear more about him.  What was special about him to you?  What memories do you have of him that make you feel good, or would help us appreciate the man he was?



WW

[Skip]

I was raised in my early years by may grandparents... .they have been gone for decades, but it still takes my breath away when I think of my loss. I'm so glad they were in my life.

This is a blessing and a loss you will carry with you for life. It has helped me to place the blessing before the feeling of loss. 

[once removed]

pearlsw, im so sorry. how are you doing?

id love to hear more about him myself.

[Red5]

Pearlsw,

Very sorry to hear of your loss, please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers here on these boards.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of my own Grandfather, he passed back in 2001.

Sending good karma your way, and best regards,

Red5