I'm stuck in the middle of a fight between my best friend and boyfriend

[inthemiddle1]

Hi everyone,

So my first post is a biggy! I have a very complex situation unfolding which just seems like I'm just making worse at every opportunity. I would really like some advice on the matter or some help if anyone has gone through a similar situation.

My best friend, for easiness sake I'll call her A-----, who I am currently living with and going travelling with very soon told me that she didn't like my boyfriend, who we will call V------, who suffers from BPD. I was going through a pretty rough patch with V------ for about a month or two at that time, a lot of ups and downs but it seemed that we were on a downer for a very long time and A----- could see how much it was affecting me as well. A---- told me that she thinks that V------'s emtionally manipulative and controlling, however I don't believe that he is any of those things. However, I can also see it from an outsiders perspective and undertsand that his behaviour could be percieved as that when they don't fully understand what's going on.  A----- does know about his BPD, but I think it's difficult to understand when you are just observing it. She was just expressing a concern for me as I was becoming so obviously down from the rollercoaster ride I was currently on.

It really upset me to think that she thought those things about him and then V------ and he could see that I was upset about something and also didn't know why my friend was then avoiding him. He put two and two together and I was somewhat coerced into telling him what my friend had said (mistake number 1), this obviously blew up completley and felt like he was being attacked and couldn't understand how anyone could think of him that way when he tries his best to be the best person he could possibly be. I was able to calm the situation down somewhat and convince him that I didn't believe any of those things A----- had said about him and I wasn't going anywhere, however he still wanted her to apologise. I am a bit of a coward and avoid confrontational conversations as best as possible, so I avoided the talking with A----- for around two weeks about that subject and when I did, I obviously emphasized all the wrong things to try and downplay how serious the situation was and how utterly devestated V------ was (mistake number 2), this lead to my friend sending an apology, which ended up making things worse because she hadn't apologised for the right thing! (Just to clarify this was my fault as I hadn't told A----- that I'd told V------ the things that she had said about him). So, the siutuation blew up again and I genuinley thought that that was it, it was over, he was going break up with me and I'd ruined everything.

I then tried to salvage the situation by trying to force my friend into an apology to him, which she was more than willing to do because she could see how upset I was. However, the more I thought about the situation the more I thought this wouldn't solve anything... .I knew that if I was to make V------ apologise to V------ in that instance, he would see right through it and it wouldn't mean anything and then we'd be back at square one. I also thought 'this is not my problem, yes I may have made it completley worse at every turn, but ultimatley this is between A----- and V------, why is this my responsibility to get her to apologise?'. So I told the both of them that I was not going to force an apology out of A-----, I have told her that I disagree with everything that she says and I hope that she can see that she was wrong one day too and she will apologise then.

There's me thinking that's the end of that, all done and dusted. I can move on leading a separate friendship and love life. Boyyyy was I wrong. It continuously rears it's ugly head, with V----- saying that he feels betrayed by me because I am still friends with someone who has said such unjustified and horrible things about him. He is essentially still waiting for A----- to apologise, but I cannot then go back to her and try and force an apology out of her and I really don't see how that will make the situation better anyway, as he will still not understand why I could be freinds with someone who has sadi that about him in the first place! I understand where V----- is coming from, but why can't he separate OUR relationship from me and my friends relationship? I live with this girl and I'm going travelling with her, I can't suddenly not be friends with her?

Please, please, please, I need some help on this situation! What do I do or say to make this situation disappear now? Or to try and get V----- to understand that I am trying to do everything I can without forcing someone to do something that won't lead to a better outcome anyway. It is impacting everything... .I shouldn't of said anything to him. It's my biggest regret, but I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the rambly post, it's just a very complex situation. I can't help thinking that if his mind worked the way that everyone else's did, this wouldn't be an issue. Yes, he may be hurt by what A----- said, but I feel like any normal person would just move on and deal with someone not liking them. Is that an insensitive judgement to make?

Please if anyone can give some insight or advice, it would be very much appreciated because I am now at a loss of what to do. The situation seems impossible unless I give one or both of them up which I don't want to happen.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot. It is really stressing when we find ourselves in the middle or our BPD loved one, and someone else.

I'd like you to explain a bit more about what exactly happen. You only said she doesn't like him, that's not a sin. But where things said that can't be taken back?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi inthemiddle,

I'm sorry that you feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Tough situation. Just an FYI I removed the  realistic fake names you used for your best friend and boyfriend, even if they are pseudonyms.

First, what's done is done. You can't take back what you said, she said, he said so try not to be too hard on yourself for that. Getting caught up in the "should haves" just causes you to feel needless shame and guilt.

It sounds like you tried to put things back on the right track. This is an issue between your roommate and your boyfriend. When you place yourself in the middle you are getting into what we call a Karpman Drama Triangle where you become the rescuer, your boyfriend is the victim, and your best friend is the persecutor. pwBPD often see the world in black and white and right now your friend has been painted black. All you can really do at this point is validate your boyfriend's feelings and let him know that you are listening. Hopefully in time he will mellow out or even better have a conversation with your roommate.

You can’t force your friend to apologize. If she truly believes what she said is true, then she shouldn’t have to apologize for that. If it is important that she mend the relationship with your boyfriend then she should have a conversation with him about it, but that is up to her and shouldn’t be forced on her in any way. If it’s important to your boyfriend to work it out, then perhaps you could support and encourage him to set up a time for them to talk things out, but again, don’t force it.

He put two and two together and I was somewhat coerced into telling him what my friend had said

I know this is difficult to hear, but it sounds like your roommate was concerned for you. She sees something that your boyfriend is doing that is disconcerting to her. Yes, his behavior may be attributed to BPD but could there be some truth to what she says? You said yourself that your boyfriend coerced you into telling him what your friend said.  Coercion is a form of control and manipulation.

One last thought. Could you boyfriend be projecting his fears related to you traveling onto your best friend in hopes that you will cancel your trip?

When my H is upset with a friend of mine for whatever reason he tries to point out all the bad things about her in hopes that I will end the friendship. It’s his way of trying to manipulate my emotions towards my friend. When it doesn’t work, he eventually stops and gets over it. I remember it took him almost 4 months to get over being upset with a friend of mine because we were playing Cards Against Humanity together. Any time I mentioned her, he would get upset and rehash it all over again. After he got over it, he loved her and thought she was funny, smart, and someone I should spend more time with. It’s just a part of the black and white thinking.

[inthemiddle1]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Thanks so much for your reply! The Kaprman Drama Triangle is exactly what's happening, I have spent my whole life being a mediator, or rescuer, whether that be between family members, friends in school or the situation that I'm in now.

I know that I shouldn't force anything upon anyone and I would never try to, but the situation is so diffciult for me because I feel the responsibility and blame is constantly shifted towards me. All because I am still friends with her and he feels betrayed by me, because 'I let her say those things about him'. I constantly reassure him that I have told my friend that I don't agree with what she says, but apparently that's not enough for him because he hasn't recieved an apology off her as of yet. I try and avoid confrontation at all costs, so this situation is hard for me to deal with when the blame shifts to me instead and I get accused of defending her instead of him, or taking sides, or not sticking up for him.

I do realise that some of his behaviour could be deemed as emotionally manipulative, however I also believe that my friend doesn't undertsand the full extent of his disorder and therefore doesn't understand that those episodes are all to do with his inate fear of being abandonded all over again and so can't really pass judgement on the matter.

Many people have also said about him projecting his fears about me travelling. I think it's a very valid point, however he didn't really have a problem with my friend prior to this all happenning, so I don't know, maybe something like this would have happenned eventually regardless of whether I had intervined in the way I did.

The problem I have is, I just don't know whether this is something that he will ever let go... He feels personally attacked by her comments and I thought by dealing with it in the way that I did, it would shift the responsibility of this disagreement away from me, but it's still coming back around to bite me in the bum because he thinks that I've 'betrayed him' and 'if it was him, he would never let anyone think those things about me and wouldn't stay friends with them if they still thought that'.

[inthemiddle1]

Hi JoeBPD81,

Thanks for your reply, it was really nice to have someone reply so quickly and finally have a neutral party engage with the problem that I'm dealing with!

The problems all started on a night out where we were all a bit drunk and things got out of hand. My boyfriend upset me (an issue that we have now completley resolved), but all my friend saw that night was me very upset about something he'd said to me. On top of that, that month had been particulalry rough in our relationship and my friend could see how down I was getting because of it. She sat me down and told me that although he has BPD she thinks he can control what comes out of his mouth to you and that I shouldn't be taking on his feelings constantly too. She believed that he tainted every situation where I wasn't spending time with him or my attention was divided, by accusing me of certain things, probably in the hope that I would give in and stay. She said that he knows I respond well to people hurting and uses that to his advantage to get what he wants and that I make excuses for his behaviour by attributing it to his BPD all the time. My friend can be quite abrupt and just essentially ended with she thinks that I could do better than him. She has never said that she wants me to break up with him and she knows that he makes me really happy and she will support me staying with him, but she couldn't help feeling that I could find someone out there with less baggage and be just as happy without the rollercosater ride.

I understand her concern and I can totally see it from her perspective too, but it still hurts to have your best friend criticise the one you love so harshly, especially when he is not a bad person in the slightest.

[Kerstanley]

Wow, I am in almost the exact same situation. My boyfriend believes that my friend was rude to him and openly unsupportive of our relationship while my friend believes that he is manipulative and "too intense."

It has been almost a year since the initial conflict between my BF and my close friend. From the friend's perspective, it's just not possible that my BF could have such a strong and lasting reaction to what she perceives as a small conflict. "I think he's just manipulating you so that you end our friendship," she will say. It's clear to me that his emotions are real, and I have done my best to validate those emotions. However, he has now accused her of manipulating me to break up with him. It has become a cycle. My friend dismisses anything I say about BPD and how it is affecting him. "I don't care. He's overreacting and acting like a child," is her usual response.

When the conflict first arose, I encouraged him to write her an apology letter. That was a huge mistake. He believes her response to the letter was "flippant and dismissive," lacking a reciprocal apology. The conflict intensified. He won't be in the same room with her.

A year later, he only brings up his dislike and disgust for my friend if he is already angry or triggered by something else. Like your partner, he frequently accuses me of taking her side or not standing up for him. My friend, likewise, is offended that I could remain in a relationship with someone who dislikes her and tries to persuade me to break up with him.

I travel with my friend quite a lot because we are in a band, so I think it's very possible that he is projecting his jealousy for how much time we spend together. This is unconscious on his part, but my friend would likely say that it's conscious and manipulative.

I feel that I am being put in the middle and nothing I can say to either party is going to satisfy them.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi Kerstanley,

so nice to see that your first post is to support a fellow member! This is a place to find people in similar situation and use the proverbial "four eyes see better than two", also to find out we are not alone, however unlikely our troubles seem at first.

I stopped seeing a friend (who wasn't close) because my gf saw a text that began " (gf's name) shouldn't be feeling jealous... ." Or something of the sort. I offered her to read the whole text, because it was lighter after, but she never wanted to face this friend again, and even mentioning her was the beginning of a conflict. That's just one example and I have many.

In the case of my gf, most people are threatening to her, so it's safer to paint them black. That doesn't mean she thinks they are bad people, she just labels them as unsafe, and avoids them.

In most cases there is no one wrong. Our friends are right in being concerned, and mean well. Our pwBPD really sees a huge mountain of judgement, when there is just a rational friendly concern. And WE are right to feel pissed that we are caught in the middle. The only enemy here is the situation, not the people involved.

If we are honest... .We rarely approve of our closest friend's partners. We want the best for our loved ones, and we also want someone that allows our friend to keep being our friend, exactly as when we were all single. It's a natural thing, and it takes a brave person to speak up when that dislike upgrades to concern.

Maybe the pitch: "if my friend liked you are much as I do, then we'd have a problem. It's better that you don't like each other so much, that way I don't have to worry about she jumping to your neck" ... .Maybe he'll buy that?

Good luck and keep us posted. We all learn from each other.