Best tact for dealing with friend

[tiki]

The problematic person in my life has come around crying to me. Apparently things blew up in his life and he wanted to talk to me.

He told me something happened with this new person in his life and that he “acted toward her like he had acted toward me in the past” and that he wish he had acted differently. And he couldn’t go into all the details but that he almost got in a car accident as a result of his out of control emotions. This was very validating to me. He had never admitted his treatment of me before. At least not directly.

He wanted support from me. But recently he went out of this way to run down my mental health and then show indifference which made me feel terrible. He then mentioned that now I too could feel tossed and discarded so I have to believe it was intentional.

If you ever want to make someone feel terrible run down their mental health and then show indifference. That worked.

So I agreed to talk to him later today so he could tell me the story of what happened. But I’m wondering how I should handle this. I guess for me I’m partially doing it because it’s validating to hear.

I was thinking yesterday of some of the things he has done in the past. For example breaking his phone and leaving it on my steps. Then later he told me he was actually planning to get a new phone anyway.

I’m just saying I can see that behavior escalating. I read some scary stories on here from members yesterday and I was feeling like I need to realize I’m

I realize I was lucky he had found a new person. The problem before was that he didn’t have anyone else and needed me.

He treated me in such a way that he could ensure himself I would not be there for him in the future. He must have felt pretty confident he wouldn’t be needing me for that to have happened.

I used to always feel like everything is tricky with him and now I feel that again. I wonder sometimes if friendship is possible but it hasn’t been in the past. I’m kind of scared of triggering anger when just setting boundaries.

Then again sometimes it feels better to not be angry. To not fear running into him so much.

But when you see a tame person you can let your guard down and get caught up with them again and I literally can’t handle his bad treatment. I wouldn’t mind associating with him if he’s neutral but I can’t take the bad stuff and I guess it would be niave of me to think that wouldn’t happen.

I guess if I back away what is the right way to put it? If I have limited contact with him what is the right way to do it? What am I missing? I’ve been in really bad shape lately and that is just the topper for a bad three years of dealing with him where he has made my whole life about him. The effect on me has been serious.

[Harley Quinn]

I guess for me I’m partially doing it because it’s validating to hear.

What's the other part?  I think a good place to start would be to examine your motivation in allowing him back into your life.

Consider this:

I’m kind of scared of triggering anger when just setting boundaries.

I literally can’t handle his bad treatment.

I can’t take the bad stuff and I guess it would be niave of me to think that wouldn’t happen.

I’ve been in really bad shape lately

The effect on me has been serious.

Love and light x

[tiki]

    Harley Quinn   
Thank you! You’re so wonderful and good at what you do.

I actually have made a lot of pleas to myself that I’m having a hard time ignoring. I kind of promised myself that I would wouldn’t let me get hurt and I would remove myself from harm. I begged my own self. I feel like I can’t ignore that.

How about I tell him I think I should find a counsler first before engaging and then maybe in a month we can talk by the lake or something.

In a way maybe some contact is better than a total freeze. For me I mean. Like I said I don’t want to be angry and fear running into him.

So how about I give it a month first and follow through on finding a counsler during that time?

And also I bet he has cruel things to say to me as a result of the frustration he might feel over this. Perhaps even manipulation or threats. Apparently I’m susceptible to manipulation. yesterday I said I wouldn’t see him but then he told me he canceled something else to see me and then I stupidly thought well jeez if he canceled something. Like I felt responsible or guilty. I later realized  how funny it is that it worked.

[Harley Quinn]

That sounds like a good idea if it is what your gut tells you to do.  If he is willing to respect your boundary and wait a month to speak then that bodes well.  Should things go another way then it is a telling sign that things would not be on your terms, which in your current condition is all important.  You need to protect yourself first and foremost.  Let us know how that goes.

Love and light x

[tiki]

That sounds like a good idea if it is what your gut tells you to do.  If he is willing to respect your boundary and wait a month to speak then that bodes well.  Should things go another way then it is a telling sign that things would not be on your terms, which in your current condition is all important.  You need to protect yourself first and foremost.  Let us know how that goes.

Love and light x

My plan is that my counselor will help with boundaries and if my boundaries are overstepped I’ll have support with ending it. If they feel contact is not at all a good idea then that’s fine too.

I’m not interested in the intensive work of maintaining a close relationship. I’m interested in maybe meeting for coffee and talking once a month. I think maybe dysfunctionally I’ve known him for so long he’s like a family member.

Actually would a pwBPD in general ever be okay with just once a month coffee? I feel like if that’s what he had to accept he would? Maybe I’m just thinking about what works for me. Which is as much contact as I can take which is once a month. Maybe that’s selfish. I just want to keep it open not closed enough to keep things in a positive spirit.

Well anyway that’s still one or two months away.

[Harley Quinn]

We can help with boundaries too.  There are articles and workshops here, so I'd encourage you to take a look around.  I can share the links if that is helpful. 

What I'm interested to know is if you are clear on your values.  Can you list the things that are important to you in a friendship?  These are your friendship values. 

Love and light x

[tiki]

We can help with boundaries too.  There are articles and workshops here, so I'd encourage you to take a look around.  I can share the links if that is helpful. 

What I'm interested to know is if you are clear on your values.  Can you list the things that are important to you in a friendship?  These are your friendship values. 

Love and light x

Hi Harley,

I guess I had what like what felt like a good interaction with him and it felt like that interaction eliminated so much pain for me. I almost temporarily snapped out of what has been a really horrible month and a half. For a second I felt cured.

I realized it’s because he gave me something in this conversation. Validation and even an apology. I actually felt kind of high after that. I thought I was out of what I have been going through.

I puzzled over why is it that some validation and acknowledgment can take away my pain like that? I realized it’s because I feel pain because I don’t get those things normally and that’s why I’m struggling in the first place.

feeling positively had made me want to stay but it’s not possible. I have already found that I am too triggered, angry and hurt by him at this point. And it’s just not healthy for me to be around him.

I’m aiming for three months NC as a short term goal to get on different footing.

[tiki]

He also wasn’t blaming or spinning. He wasn’t focused on me. He was sad about this new person in his life and just wanted support in talking about that. So he was reflecting back to me normalcy about myself. Instead of reflecting back to me a skewed picture of reality he was reflecting back to me normal reality. And that’s why it had felt healing for me.

I just thought that was interesting because it goes to show how bad distortions are for my mental health and how the friction it causes in my brain are part of the reason I suffer in this.

[tiki]

I’m really happy today. I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life.

It’s really over I think. I hate that I have to add I think. It must be completely over. I feel like I don’t even need to do a countdown anymore. It’s just new life day 1.

I know I might not be out of the woods entirely. That maybe I’ll still get pulled into suffering here and there from this. And I probably need to still get couseling.

That was one of the scariest times of my life in terms of how my mental health was affected.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi tiki,

It's great to hear that you're feeling happy.  Congratulations on starting your new life!  How is it treating you?  What was the shift for you and how did you leave things with him?  I'd agree that it would still be helpful to get the counselling in order to work through residual stuff and ensure that you are strengthened for the journey ahead.

Love and light x

[tiki]

Hi tiki,

It's great to hear that you're feeling happy.  Congratulations on starting your new life!  How is it treating you?  What was the shift for you and how did you leave things with him?  I'd agree that it would still be helpful to get the counselling in order to work through residual stuff and ensure that you are strengthened for the journey ahead.

Love and light x

It’s been really good. I did run into an upset when he messaged me yesterday  (though blocked everywhere). I tried not to read but did anyway   it turned out not to be a bad message but it still rocked me. Instead of responding I just deleted it and blocked him again. My goal is to not have any contact so I wasn’t sure if it was best to say I can’t for mental health reasons or just not respond. It had ended before with surprise... .unkind words.

I now take his having messaged me as a personal test. I am so fortified with knowledge now. I have all these understandings now like that being angry with him will only further enmesh me with him. I feel like I just have so much understanding of everything. And I think that’s what helped me get to this point too. I also think I may have reached an acceptance point with who he is. I wonder if maybe I really was in the stages of grief but didn’t know it.

It’s almost like I have a sickness and the sickness is him. And away from him I am completely capible of finding happiness and well being. I’ve had this sickness now for three years and it is no good.

Thank you for helping me slow down and think about things the other day. I did a reality check on my motives and made sure everything was in line with what I want. So thank you! Your help and support meant a lot!

And I realize I need to get a counselor because if I can get that devestated by someone then that’s scary and it needs to be examined seriously.

[Harley Quinn]

And away from him I am completely capible of finding happiness and well being.

This is a positive realisation tiki.  It's healthy to view ourselves as separate individuals and find fulfilment in our own lives apart from the life involvement we may have with our loved ones.  In a BPD r/s this can be difficult to achieve and can cause an unhealthy dynamic. 

What did you decide about speaking to him again in a month?

Love and light x

[tiki]

This is a positive realisation tiki.  It's healthy to view ourselves as separate individuals and find fulfilment in our own lives apart from the life involvement we may have with our loved ones.  In a BPD r/s this can be difficult to achieve and can cause an unhealthy dynamic. 

What did you decide about speaking to him again in a month?

Love and light x

I decided no more. Not in a month. I actually drew myself a map of why I can’t even simply have a beer with him. How even having a beer with him can still link me up again with what I just went through. Even if what I just went through is Pluto and having a beer with him is Earth. I can’t be in the same universe with what I just went through.

I’ve been trying really hard to reinforce this into my head. I’ve been imagining how I felt one specific Saturday and trying to associate that feeling with his face.

So no more. And he lives here and I will cross paths. I will be seated next to him at a restaurant at some point. I will walk into a cafe and there he will be.

It’s hard to shake him actually. I’m considering moving to a different neighborhood. Using it as an opportunity to explore someplace new. Viewing it as an opportunity and not a loss.

[Harley Quinn]

tiki, you sound so very calm about all of this.  Is that how you are feeling too?  The way you come across in this last post is worlds away from where you were when you arrived.  I think you should take a moment to realise just how far you've come and give yourself a pat on the back.  You've faced such struggles over the years yet you sound like a person who is ready to take their life back and decide the direction it goes in.  

I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out better with your friend.  If this is what you need to do for you right now, then it is a good decision.  I have crossed paths with my ex several times, and the last time I felt fine.  That's because I'd invested time and effort into building my own strength, gaining knowledge and focusing on my healing.  I was in a far better place.  The first time I was an anxious mess.  Things may be different for you in time.  When you feel stronger and have worked on your boundaries.  Some day you might be able to have that beer without batting an eyelid and then go home and continue with your life unaffected.

Keep us informed on how you're doing.

Love and light x