How do you wrap your head around divorce? [Christian discussion]

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey good people,

One thing I've been struggling with lately, as a Christian, is the fact that I will soon be divorced. This goes so against my personal, spiritual, and religious code. As a Christian, I just can't wrap my head around it - even though I know that most Christians would give you a pass in the case of infidelity.

When I took my vows, I took them with full belief that marriage was for life. My STBX uBPDw was the same way. She went on and on about how much her parents divorce ruined things and how she would never tolerate divorce, at least not without really good reason (like abuse or something). I entered into that covenant with her believing that we were on the same page... .but... .

enter BPD and mirroring.

She now is adamant that she's not the type of person that can be married and I've accepted divorce as the outcome of our relationship.

Still though, I can't wrap my head around it for myself - for my identity. I get it that it's where WE are and that this marriage cannot continue without her wanting to work on things. But, it doesn't sit well yet with my identity and I feel like a failure at times - like I broke such a sacred covenant or entered into something wrongfully.

For the Christians on here, how do you wrap your head around divorce? I'm not dealing with the same person I married, and I'm unclear if she ever believed the vows she took or if they were just mirrors of my values. It all just feels so wrong.

[lighthouse9]

Hey good people,

One thing I've been struggling with lately, as a Christian, is the fact that I will soon be divorced. This goes so against my personal, spiritual, and religious code. As a Christian, I just can't wrap my head around it - even though I know that most Christians would give you a pass in the case of infidelity.

When I took my vows, I took them with full belief that marriage was for life. My STBX uBPDw was the same way. She went on and on about how much her parents divorce ruined things and how she would never tolerate divorce, at least not without really good reason (like abuse or something). I entered into that covenant with her believing that we were on the same page... .but... .

enter BPD and mirroring.

She now is adamant that she's not the type of person that can be married and I've accepted divorce as the outcome of our relationship.

Still though, I can't wrap my head around it for myself - for my identity. I get it that it's where WE are and that this marriage cannot continue without her wanting to work on things. But, it doesn't sit well yet with my identity and I feel like a failure at times - like I broke such a sacred covenant or entered into something wrongfully.

For the Christians on here, how do you wrap your head around divorce? I'm not dealing with the same person I married, and I'm unclear if she ever believed the vows she took or if they were just mirrors of my values. It all just feels so wrong.

[calledandchosen]

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.  I am a divorced Christian myself, and understand the feelings of failure not just in terms of your marriage, but with God.

Scriptures offer many insights into Christian decision making, particularly when it comes to divorce.  There are a few circumstances which can offer biblical grounds for divorce, but they are very limited.

Based on what you've said, your wife is leaving you.  "When an unbeliever walks away, do not go after them," is a scripture that comes to mind.  If she abandons you, then you have the responsibility still however of remaining celibate until you know that she has slept with another person.  Until then, you are still her husband according to God. 

Other biblical grounds for divorce or moving on involve death or infidelity. 

My BPD ex-husband was physically abusive, and although every Christian counselor I consulted urged me to divorce him, I still do not think I had biblical grounds to do so.  I should have lived separately from him while he went to rehabs, underwent treatment, and then had couples therapy. I should have prayed for him much more.  I think I was sick and tired of being a type of caretaker to someone so messed up, and that I wanted to eventually find a new partner who could actually have something to offer the kids and I, rather than cause so much work for me.  But I also needed the divorce in order to get state assistance for my kids and I, because my ex wouldn't pay the bills if I wouldn't live with him, and we had a high-need infant at that time.  He also spent all of my savings.  Such a mess.  Luckily, I worship a God who forgives.

I recommend you consider carefully all of your options before proceeding.  Will this divorce effect more than just the two of you, and how so?  You want to make a decision that will ultimately bring glory to God.  Make sure to sincerely confess to God all of your shortcomings in this marriage/divorce.  I recently hears the phrase, "If someone still has a pulse, God is still working on them,"  and despite your wife's spiritual disillusions, God still wants her in His kingdom.  The way you handle this marriage/divorce has the power to effect her relationship with God, so proceed carefully.

And lastly, don't forget the Romans 8 scripture, that all things work for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose.  If you keep your heart righteous, generous, and generous through this period, he will bless your path. Praise God for all that he is doing and will do for you!   

[udunnome81]

She now is adamant that she's not the type of person that can be married and I've accepted divorce as the outcome of our relationship.

Still though, I can't wrap my head around it for myself - for my identity. I get it that it's where WE are and that this marriage cannot continue without her wanting to work on things. But, it doesn't sit well yet with my identity and I feel like a failure at times - like I broke such a sacred covenant or entered into something wrongfully.

For the Christians on here, how do you wrap your head around divorce? I'm not dealing with the same person I married, and I'm unclear if she ever believed the vows she took or if they were just mirrors of my values. It all just feels so wrong.

Wow... .do I feel you. My Christianity and vows... .in sickness and in health til death do us part was a big part of who I WAS.

This is the conversation I had with my best friend... .

Me: ... .That I needed to change for her to be happy, when there wasn't anything I could actually do that would ever have been good enough. This was going to happen no matter what until she is ready to come out of denial and recognize that she has a problem. So, like normal. I just get to deal with the fallout.

Friend: It's so wrong.

Me: I'm a rockstar, God obviously thinks so. (I was talking about how someone will not be given more than they can handle... .I was making a joke)
But I really don't know how much more I can take before I just crack.

Friend: I get that. I guess all I can do is pray that you keep it together, and for strength, and wisdom.

Me: I just pray for God's will to be done. Whatever that means for me.

Friend: God's will, yes, but more than that. You need the strength and the wisdom. 'Cause it was NOT God's will for "her name" to do this to you.

Me: There has to be a reason.

-----This is the important message he sent me. It gave me the perspective that I needed to move on----

Friend: No, there doesn't. The bible is pretty clear that there's evil in the world, and that humans have free choice. It's also clear that God will work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose, but don't let that translate as there being a reason that this happened, other than "her name" is messed up.

I think that people get misled sometimes to thinking that there's a benevolent reason that bad things happen, and that's not correct. Bad things happen because there's evil in the world.

BUT God can take those bad things and turn them into good.
There's a subtle difference there, but it's an important difference which you need to understand in this season.
And you need to take hope in the fact that we serve an ALMIGHTY God who can make beauty from ashes.

***this is what I struggled with and the words I needed to hear to get past it.

[empath]

I've done a lot of reading about covenants and divorce and a lot of praying. Most covenants have several sections including blessings of abiding by the covenant and curses of not following it - consequences of not following. In the case of marriage, it is a covenant between the husband, the wife, and God. That covenant can enter the curses part by the actions of either of the humans involved, and it only takes one person to break that covenant. I also realized that God eventually divorced his covenant people, Israel due to their continued worship of other gods (spiritual adultery). His intent was to create a 'new' covenant in which the people would have God's word written in their hearts, so they (we) could be faithful to him.

One of the things that God hates is oppression of people - it's often a theme in the Old Testament prophets. It also carries forward into the New Testament. The expectation of marriage is that there will be love and provision.

I believe that abuse (ongoing patterns of power and control over a spouse) breaks the marriage covenant. I also think that 'divorce' as mentioned in the New Testament was referring to something more like today's no-fault divorce and that breaking the marriage covenant is different than a no-fault type divorce.

Jesus often 'withdrew' from those who wanted to kill or harm him, and in Paul's letters, verbal abuse is enough reason to not fellowship with another person.

Ultimately, we can only control and be responsible for our thoughts and actions. God has created us in his image which includes the ability to make free choices; sometimes we choose not to do what is in alignment with His will or desire. Sometimes, other people choose the same - that's not our responsibility.

So, I believe that the reasons that one may seek a divorce include abandonment, abuse, and sexual immorality (broader than just adultery - even in the biblical language). Ultimately, the hardness of heart that I've encountered and others have encountered with my h not wanting to seek help with these issues is at the root of it.

I do think that divorce is the result of sin - not necessarily a sin in and of itself.

For me, it will affect me, my children (one is still at home), and my larger church community because my h and I were actively involved and he was a member of the clergy - very much up front. The reality is that it only takes one person to make the choice to divorce - my h is the one who is actively seeking that right now. I'm not sure how he is processing everything because recently, he claimed that he believed divorce to be mortal sin.

Romans 8 also talks about the fact that nothing can separate us from the love of God through Jesus.

[BeagleGirl]

I'll start by saying that I wouldn't consider myself to have "wrapped my head around" my divorce, nor have I come to a point where I feel fully justified in going through with it.  I have justifications that I can point to, but there are "nuances" that I feel have me doing some interpretation if not stretching of the scripture to fully cover those justifications. 

The two justifications I see in scripture for divorce are infidelity and abandonment by an unbeliever.  To the best of my knowledge (and I should say that I was a championship Bible Quizzer), there is no clear scripture directly allowing divorce in cases of abuse.  There are plenty of scriptures that could be interpreted or stretched, but infidelity and abandonment by an unbeliever are the only specific conditions where divorce is "allowed" by scripture.

So here are the interpretations/stretches that I have to make to get my situation to fit within those two conditions. 

Infidelity - dBPDstbxh (to the best of my knowledge) has never had sex with another woman.  He has, for years and years and years, watched and masturbated to porn.  Stretch 1 - I do believe that linking the scripture about lust being equivalent to adultery to the allowance of divorce gave me grounds for divorce long ago, especially since this was a chronic issue that he refused accountability for.  Stretch 2 - At the end of our marriage he finally entered a sexual addiction program, accepted accountability, and (to the best of my knowledge) has not continued watching porn. 

Abandonment by an unbeliever - dBPDstbxh has calmly and clearly communicated on multiple occasions that he has done everything he can do (I would say it's more appropriate to say everything he is willing to do) to save our marriage and he wants a divorce.  He has refused to support me financially or physically (in the form of chores/acts of service) and has given the vast majority of financial responsibility for our children to me.  Stretch 1 - He still claims to be a believer.  The scripture is specific that this is this allowance is for a believer married to an unbeliever.  I guess some would say that the act of "abandonment" would indicate that he is not behaving as a believer, but I don't feel qualified to make that call because only God knows the heart.  Stretch 2 - I was the one who left the marriage home.  I did it under protest from dBPDstbxh with the intention that it be a therapeutic separation. I continued to financially and physically support dBPDstbxh through this time, though I began withdrawing financial and physical support as time went on, though I have maintained nearly exclusive financial responsibility for our two children. 

I was headed towards making the decision to divorce before dBPDstbxh told me that he was "done".  I don't know if I would have gotten there soon or at all.  I was debating (almost constantly) whether I should just remain married (though legally and physically separated) in hopes of reconciliation "as long as we both should live".  I feel a sense of relief and release now that dBPDstbxh is seeking divorce, but I do very frequently question that feeling of release since I don't see 100% clear justification and we both do profess to be believers. 

So that's where I am.  I am proceeding down the road to divorce (probably final in mid-May).  I am not asking dBPDstbxh to reconsider.  I am doing what I can to maintain a right relationship with him - confessing and apologizing when I sin against him, and being willing to meet him half way (against my tendency to advance 75% or 100% of the way and take full responsibility for our marriage).  I'm trying to keep my heart open for reconciliation should God work a miracle in his heart and mine at the 11th hour.   I don't know if/when I will feel fully reconciled to my divorce.
BeagleGirl