Unnecessary Blow up Last Night

[Survivor09]

Hello,

I need a little advice. Last night I came home after working 10 hours straight. I found my BPDw laying on the sofa sleep. A few moments later, she got up and said "hey, I'm going to bed, here is the remote." I gave her a hug and kiss and said good night.
Maybe 10 minutes later, she returned to the sitting room and laid back down on the couch because she said that he had a nightmare. She rolled over and at least gave the impression that she was resting on the couch. All of a sudden she pops up and says that the show I was watching was disturbing her. I told he that I would turn it down. She then said that it was upsetting her because she told me that she had a traumatic experience and the TV show was adding to her emotional trauma.
So I then just got up and turned the TV off after which she just began to charge into me saying that I don't care about her because she told me that she was traumatized by her nightmare and I didn't even offer to make her feel better.
So I told her that I was sorry and I hugged her and asked her how I could help. She just continued to fuss about how I don't care about her nightmare and that she woke up thinking that I was in the bed next to her only to discover that I wasn't.
At this point, I told her that I have just worked 10 hours and I don't have the energy to go back and forthwith her. I said goodnight and left her on the couch.
She came after me into the bedroom saying that she is so hurt and disappointed that I would neglect her during a time when she is dealing with the trauma of a nightmare. She then began hollering at me saying if it was any one else that needed my help, I would give it to them and all she needed was for me to say a prayer with her. I raised my voice and told her that I wasn't going to fight with her and I asked her to please leave me alone and let me get some rest.

I am so confused. She makes my head spin. I know that this whole scenario sounds ridiculous but just imagine being a part of this madness. The thing  that gets me the most is that I never know what the real issue is. I highly doubt that in just those few minutes of getting in the bed that she had a nightmare. She even said that she fell out of the bed. Well If one of my children falls out of the bed, everyone in the house hears it. So I am sure that if she fell on the floor, I would have heard it. I know that she probably made this up but I don't know why. I would rather her say what's on her mind than to agitate me with foolishness.
Long story short, I feel bad for getting upset. She put my daughter out of her own bed and slept in her room. This morning she was not emotionally available for our 2 young children. My daughter was crying this morning because mommy told her to get away.
I try very hard to not rock the boat so that our house can be peaceful but this time as many times before, I failed the test.
What should I do now? She's in a bad mood and I'm sure that she is going to emotionally neglect our children even more this weekend

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[engineer]

Hello Survivor!

I'm extremely new to this so take anything I say with plenty of grains of salt.

But... .I really related to your story.  The whole dynamic is very much like what I am encountering with my wife.

When I'm tired and not 100% "on my toes" in my reactions to her, things go south in a hurry.  I am coming to terms with the fact that there is no allowance for me to have down time.  That doesn't mean I'm happy about it... .I just am learning to accept it.

I guess I'm responding because the nightmare issue is one that I have successfully made it through.  The dynamic was:  she has a nightmare and a) I don't respond 'cause I'm asleep or tired or whatever and that causes a fight or b) I respond offering help and it causes a fight 'cause I woke her up more to talk to her and I am so selfish.

In my wife's case, the key was:  reach out and touch her when she awakens from a nightmare.  Just a gentle touch saying "I'm here".  If she wants to talk about it she does, but most often she just goes back to sleep.  Last night when she awoke from her nightmare I reached over and touched her, and then a few minutes later she said "Thank you" and went back to sleep.  I can't tell you how good that made me feel... .I was actually able to comfort my BPD wife.  I think I heard angels singing

Yeah, I know... .one victory in the land of 10,000 losing battles... .but it was nice.

So as I said I'm the newest newby here and I probably shouldn't be giving advice.  But I can at least tell you what I would do in that case.  People who have been doing this longer will come along and tell you what to do and why I'm wrong and that's totally cool.  I'll learn something too

Anyway... .when my wife is doing that post-ridiculous-fight bad mood thing, it seems to me that she is being extremely hard on *herself* for causing a problem but it comes across as being hard on everyone else because that's the only way she knows how to express herself.  I try to show her love and acceptance.  I try not to sulk or act upset in any way and I definitely do not question her behavior.  I try not to show her that her behavior has upset me because I believe that is exactly what she is beating herself up for.

Maybe it helps her and maybe it doesn't, but I find that it reduces the chances that we'll end up in a fight again, and it seems to give her the room she needs to work things out on her own.

[DaddyBear77]

Survivor09, I am really sorry - this situation sounds pretty impossible to figure out. It doesn't sound ridiculous at all, actually, and it matches many situations I've experienced myself. You're certainly not alone!

First I'm going to acknowledge some of the great insight that engineer offered in his reply. This is very often a "no win" situation. You respond - it caused a fight. You don't respond - it caused a fight. What gives, right? The other great insight is that you may only get one victory in every 10,000 battles. This isn't unusual. It's what we learn from both our "failures" and our victories that makes all the difference. Great points, engineer, and thanks for jumping in on your second day as a member here!

In fact, the whole point of your pwBPD's mystery behaviors may have been to just cause drama. Drama means attention, and it was attention that they were craving. It may have been a specific kind of attention, too, where you give them undivided attention and make sure that your world revolves around them. Any suggestion that you might want to talk about your needs or have your needs met (which is a reasonable expectation), is seen as a rejection of them and their needs.

Does any of this seem like what might be happening?

As for the emotional neglect and issues that are bleeding over to your children, can you share a little more about this? How did things go the rest of the day? How do things usually go?

Looking forward to hearing more, Survivor09

[stixx44]

Oh boy, is this a familiar scenario.

It’s all about their feeling of abandonment, even though you’re right there and trying to do and say the right things.  If you don’t react exactly correctly and become a mind reader within the first 5 seconds, you can never redeem yourself and there is hell to pay.

My SO got so angry at me because I shifted positions while laying on the couch with her while watching tv.  I moved away to make myself more comfortable.  She actually got up, went into the bedroom, slammed the door, and threw herself down on the bed like a child would.  When I asked her what was wrong, I got nothing in response.

Many weeks later she told me that she was upset with something I had done earlier in the day and she felt I was pulling away from her.  So she had a kind of “delayed reaction” to the earlier incident.  My moving away from her on the couch made her feel like I was leaving her.

It’s a tough life with these people.  A long and hard road to hoe.

[waverider]

As stixx44 pointed out this could very well be about abandonment anxiety as a follow on from you being at work 10 hours, she needs reassurance that she means more to you than your work.

The nightmare as you say, probably never happened, but she probably was feeling anxious and simply expressed that feeling as a "nightmare'. pwBPD often replace feelings with physical representations. You address the physical representation, and they get frustrated because you are not actually addressing their feelings, which was the original issue.

You get frustrated because they are rejecting your support, while they seem to be asking for that support. It then escalates into nonsense, the original issue now being lost in the fog.

pwBPD suffer from severe separation anxiety and constantly want reassurance, typically by engineering dramas to elicit your reassurance.

[Survivor09]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know I'm a few days late at responding but you all have helped me so much. I think I am just struggling with accepting the fact that it just is what it is and there is nothing that I can do to cure my wife or ensure that we have a high level of peace for the duration of our marriage.
One thing I must say is that It was easier for me to give my wife the affection that she desires over the weekend as opposed to the struggle that I usually have due to feeling that she is selfish and undeserving. I am growing to realize that her intention may not necessarily be to be selfish but she really doesn't have the capacity to connect with me on a higher intellectual level so all she knows is how to receive attention and affection but she cant really reciprocate in a manner that meets my emotional needs.

Daddybear77, in answer to your question, the way my children are affected is that my BPDw is very cold and mean towards them. She will go lay down and ignore them. If they are hungry, she may throw a piece of toast on the table. She tells them to leave her alone and sit down and stop playing because she has a headache etc... .