Partner stating that they don't love me anymore after recovery

[pinkpenguin]

My dBPD fiancee has told me she doesn't love me anymore after succeeding in recovering through MBT (e.g. no more self-harm, suicide attempts and extreme bouts of anger). She has stated that she still cares for me deeply but doesn't feel the love anymore. She said that although it pains her, she feel out of love because we've done everything her way and I never got anything, which makes her feel really guilty. Another reason is that she has a crush on somebody else. She still talks to me, and we still live together although I am not sure for how long and at the moment I went to my family for a bit.

I was devastated when hearing this. Everything seemed to be going into place for our lives after years of misery, the money was coming in, she was getting healthier and stability was looming. Through the 7 years of our relationship I have become incredibly codependent. I've given up bursaries, job offers, doing less of my hobbies, never started an argument and always gave up my position in arguments, minimal boundaries and a total which resulted in a complete and utter loss of the self.

For the moment she has agreed for us to have a break and try dating. I have started reading about codependency but I am unsure if it is too late. Feeling so empty, in pain and lost and upset after spending so much of myself in these years has made me incredibly suicidal ( the irony after being the strong through several suicide attempts of my pwBPD). Also I know for sure that if I survive this and the relationship cannot be mended, I will end up with somebody else with BPD and the cycle will be repeated.

Final fear is that my partner hasn't recovered from the other aspects of BPD. Just a week before, we were going through an intense sexual phase. At the same time she seemed to be off with me and disconnected but refused to tell me what was going on. After telling me she doesn't love me anymore, she is a lot happier and has started eating and taking care of herself, and started talking to me. The issue is some of the things she is talking about are what she is going to do to improve her looks and what she is struggling with connecting with her crush and workmates (stabbing the wound deeper and being unaware of it).

I know I wrote a lot but any support would be much appreciated.

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[juju2]

So sorry you are going thru this.

My experience, over 10 yrs w dxpwBPD BPD b/f, we are separated, he is seeing me for coffee dates and we are in couples counseling, he is also dating others (to heal, he says).  A lot of what has gone on doesnt make sense, it has been the best r/s i have ever been in, and the most challenging.

Read as much as you can, stay steady, work on yourself.  I read on here to not so much hang on to their every word.  Look at trends, try to be strong, reach out like you are.

Journaling helps me a lot.  This part of our r/s has been going on for a year, we got really close from June to mid October, when he said he was dating others... .now, since counseling started in November, is the first time I have hope.

I try not to ask him any questions about our r/s, it seems to pressure him.

Today i am getting the book
Loving someone with BPD, by Manning.

Hang in there, baby steps!

j

[Skip]

This is not uncommon.

I would give her space and be upbeat.

How is the day to day?

[xyz-Girl]

I am sorry to hear that. I am going thru something similar with my ex. I did not lost myself entirely in our relationship but last weekend when we saw each other and opened up, he said: 1. that he thinks i love him too much, for the short time we have been together, 2. that he thinks he doesn't know what love is. At this point I was only trying listening to him, because i wanted some answers. He feels pains and hates the fact that he hurt me and cried and everything. However, he still doesn't want to get back together because we are not in the same city. He is also actively dating other people, and his excuse is purely sexual, in his words. I understand your pain, and sense of loss. I think you need some time, codependency is hard and even if you don't have all the traits, being with someone for a long time tends to shape you in that way at some degree. ATM, I am trying to figure out if I want to keep talking to him or not, as you, I feel like i cannot trust him and the relationship will never be the same. Cutting contact cold turkey is so hard, and especially when none of the parties involved want it. My ex tells he loves me sometimes, but i don't think that is true, i am starting to think he only says this stuff when he feels lonely and has noone to talk to.

What to do? Maybe you need to take your space, i think it is better to think you are doing things for you and not for her, co-dependency issues. Don't need to move one yet if you don't feel like it. I remember when he decided to take a break i did not contact him at all, he came back to me fater 3 days, after that everything went downhill for me. I think you should stop being there for her, it is scary because she can either move on and forget you or realize how important you are in her life. Is its a hard decision that only you can make, you should take your time to decide what to do, but it think with them, the best thing is to do what you say otherwise they will know how to play you. Don't make the same mistake I made, what ever you decide stick with it until the pain is gone.

Good luck!