I am in need of some clarity

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello been a while since I posted on here. Wish I could say because things have been great.

I would like some clarity on a few things. I know the answers to this but because of years of this relationship I have to question if I am right. 16 years ago I would not have any issue understanding the situation and making a decision. Now... .I'm a mental case that second guesses and has little confidence in my own self understand.

Wife complains that husband doesn't peruse her romantically or initiates physical intimacy.
Husband tries to initial physical contact but wife says too little to late, leave me alone, stop getting in my face, or my favorite, yuck.

Wife is always tired.
So husband cleans house, makes dinner, cleans dishes, washes clothes, dry's clothes, folds clothes, puts away clothes, gets groceries, puts gas in wife's car, irons' wife's work clothes, makes wife's lunch or her, gets glass of water so she doesn't have to get off couch, get bed ready for wife, pick out clothes for wife, say prayers for wife, take dogs outside, let dogs inside, ect.

Wife is unhappy with job so she applies out of state. Expects husband's job to allow hi to work form home where ever they end up.
Husband hates working form home but won't say anything because it has always caused an argument of what girl does the husband need to see at work.

Wife like to name call and drop unfavorable comments to and about husband.
Husband politely asks not to be so mean and gets told then not to be those things.

Topic of what would happen if one or the other needed to have personal care in case of advanced age or accident. Wife says husband would be put in a home and she would not put the effort in to caring for him. Has expressed this to other people to make her wished know that she will not take care of husband if he can care for himself.

Wife tells the husband to not die first or there won't be anyone to do all the things she needs to have done for herself.


I know these are not healthy. They are things that have been going on for years. The husband dreams and wishes to split. But doesn't and won't. Why?

Of course this is me but typing it this way helped me try to separate it form being so personal in a way.

[Cipher13]

Hello been a while since I posted on here. Wish I could say because things have been great.

I would like some clarity on a few things. I know the answers to this but because of years of this relationship I have to question if I am right. 16 years ago I would not have any issue understanding the situation and making a decision. Now... .I'm a mental case that second guesses and has little confidence in my own self understand.

Wife complains that husband doesn't peruse her romantically or initiates physical intimacy.
Husband tries to initial physical contact but wife says too little to late, leave me alone, stop getting in my face, or my favorite, yuck.

Wife is always tired.
So husband cleans house, makes dinner, cleans dishes, washes clothes, dry's clothes, folds clothes, puts away clothes, gets groceries, puts gas in wife's car, irons' wife's work clothes, makes wife's lunch or her, gets glass of water so she doesn't have to get off couch, get bed ready for wife, pick out clothes for wife, say prayers for wife, take dogs outside, let dogs inside, ect.

Wife is unhappy with job so she applies out of state. Expects husband's job to allow hi to work form home where ever they end up.
Husband hates working form home but won't say anything because it has always caused an argument of what girl does the husband need to see at work.

Wife like to name call and drop unfavorable comments to and about husband.
Husband politely asks not to be so mean and gets told then not to be those things.

Topic of what would happen if one or the other needed to have personal care in case of advanced age or accident. Wife says husband would be put in a home and she would not put the effort in to caring for him. Has expressed this to other people to make her wished know that she will not take care of husband if he can care for himself.

Wife tells the husband to not die first or there won't be anyone to do all the things she needs to have done for herself.


I know these are not healthy. They are things that have been going on for years. The husband dreams and wishes to split. But doesn't and won't. Why?

Of course this is me but typing it this way helped me try to separate it form being so personal in a way.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cipher,

If you were to type this in the first person and allow it to be personal to you, how would that make you feel?

Love and light x

[Red5]

Topic of what would happen if one or the other needed to have personal care in case of advanced age or accident.

Hello Cipher13,

I also think about this one a lot as well,

If I live to be one hundred years old, then I am now a little over half way there now !

If present behaviors are any indication (eleven years);... .then no, I would not want uBPD/w (No.2) to be responsible for my care, should I become incapacitated, hopefully this never occurs; but if it should, .I would hope (& expect) my two grown children to take up that task.

I have read many times that pw/BPD do very much like to "punish" the 'non'.

The old film 'Misery' comes to mind when I think about it... .

Red5

[Wrongturn1]

Wife is always tired.
So husband cleans house, makes dinner, cleans dishes, washes clothes, dry's clothes, folds clothes, puts away clothes, gets groceries, puts gas in wife's car, irons' wife's work clothes, makes wife's lunch or her, gets glass of water so she doesn't have to get off couch, get bed ready for wife, pick out clothes for wife, say prayers for wife, take dogs outside, let dogs inside, ect.

Topic of what would happen if one or the other needed to have personal care in case of advanced age or accident.

Hey Cipher, nice to see you around here.  With all the chores you do for her, it sounds like your wife is already getting the same level of personal care that she would receive in a nursing home if she were 95 years old and in a wheelchair.

You're doing way too much for her.  Whenever you continually do something for someone that they are capable of doing for themselves, you're actually hurting the person that you think you're helping.  That's also telling that she informed you essentially that she would no do anything for you if you ended up in a situation where you needed her help.

Also, I was not sure what you meant about why your wife does not want you to work in an office?

[Cipher13]

Hi Wrongturn, I agree that doing everyday things for a 100% capable person adds to the situation and does less than nothing for them actually. I think over the years it has just been easier to do all these things than argue and fight it out. A 1 to 2 minute chore is easier than a 30 to 45 minute battle about it.

The comment about working in an office I think has to do with removing me form a work environment that she is not in control of. The temptation of other people that apparently all 'nons' must throw themselves at, purely because they are female is part of her drive to remove that environment from me. The other is isolation. I know this in my heart and mind that if I am given the permission to work 100% form home and we move out of our state, I will be no better than a prisoner in solitary confinement.

[byfaith]

Hello Cipher,

I feel for you. It sounds as though you have totally lost who you are in all of this. I urge you to try and understand what drives you to do all of this. I was the same way on many levels with my now ex wife.  It takes a lot of courage to stand up and do what is best for ourselves when we have made a life of trying to please others. I found for myself there was an issue with me that I needed to do for someone in order for them to love me. I still deal with that to some extent but I am working on it.

Cipher... .It sounds like you don't derive any pleasure from this way of life. What pleasure does it bring you? Just to avoid a fight?  What would happen if you stopped doing a few of the things you do for her? Does she get physically violent or verbally abusive or both? There are no children involved correct?

BF

[Wrongturn1]

The comment about working in an office I think has to do with removing me form a work environment that she is not in control of. The temptation of other people that apparently all 'nons' must throw themselves at, purely because they are female is part of her drive to remove that environment from me. The other is isolation. I know this in my heart and mind that if I am given the permission to work 100% form home and we move out of our state, I will be no better than a prisoner in solitary confinement.

I see and can relate to this.  My uBPDw really flipped out when a female engineer joined my department at work.  This was 3 years ago, and it still creates a bad situation with uBPDw when I mention the female's name for any reason.  It's really ridiculous as I've never actually worked with said female engineer on a project and have had only a couple of conversations with her over a 3-year period.  Also, I travel a fair amount (maybe a couple of overnight business trips per month), and my uBPDw always imagines the worst, which is unfortunate because in all these years, I've never even been flirted with by anyone out on the road.

I'd advise against the full-time telecommuting thing.  I did that for 5 years and definitely got tired of being a prisoner in my home.

[Cipher13]

byfaith,
No kids in the picture which is good. Would never want them to have to go through this. Beside I see what it takes for a mentally fit mother to handle a child and I can't she my wife putting in that effort.

She doesn't get physical. If she did I have told myself that is what it would take to leave. But the emotional and verbal is just as bad when I really dwell on it. So why is that so different to separate verbal abuse vs physical. Why do I put more of a boundary on that when the emotional is like a slower cancer?

[Wrongturn1]

So why is that so different to separate verbal abuse vs physical. Why do I put more of a boundary on that when the emotional is like a slower cancer?

Good point... .both types are extremely damaging.  Nothing will change if you don't make changes... .you can do it!