I know this is a question that likely is answered by “only the person knows”

[The Cat in d Hat]

I’m actually learning plenty about he disorder for healing and for my personal/professional knowledge. Splitting is something I’m finding fascinating (and crushing) right now. I’ve looked over some of the reading material and had a further more specific question. Perhaps someone may have similar situation that would shed light.

In a situation where the pwBPD has a loved one they love dearly, such a family member, that shares the same date for a special event like an anniversarry or birthday with a s/o they just split black, when they think of that day are they able to actually block out the split persons existence? Or do they remember the person just a new horrible split black version? Or something else.

I know this is a question that likely is answered by “only the person knows” or someone with the illness would know better. If anyone does however have an analogous situation or just have some thoughts please share.

[gotbushels]

Hi The Cat in d Hat 

I'll give this a punt until someone with these examples may come along. 

Splitting is "the rigid separation of positive and negative thoughts and feelings about oneself and others; that is, the inability to synthesize these feelings." (link, 2010) The general idea is to protect the pwBPD from anxiety from reconciling contradictory images (of the same source). Imh experience, it often came about when the pwBPD wanted something exquisitely, and hasn't figured out how to get it.

For example, "I want this person to leave me alone, but I also want him to stay, I don't know why, and the best way I know how to get people to leave is to tantrum at them, because he can only be all good or all bad in my mind and feelings=facts, I hate him right now, so he must be bad, therefore--"I HATE YOU, GET OUT." The point is that the pwBPD wants something, and must make an evaluation that includes their perception of the character of another, in order to tease/force out a solution to achieve what they want.

Simply, it would look like:
Want of something → incentive to evaluate the other party → stoppage from condition-driven anxiety / absence of skills → splitting.

In your example, the thing that would drive that train is the date:
Date →(denote as connection "C1" want of something → incentive to evaluate the other party; etc.

The connection C1 between the 'date' element and the 'want of something' element is probably correlated to pwBPD's emotional draw toward the "split-black" party of your example. So if the relationship is "weak", then the connection would be weak. Therefore, splitting--specifically as a perception event--is unlikely.

... .when they think of that day are they able to actually block out the split persons existence? Or do they remember the person just a new horrible split black version? Or something else.

To guess at the thoughts of the pwBPD (danger!), I would hazard that they would recall some "black" perception of the non in order not to deal with the grief and anxiety of having failed another relationship. So, I think that supports your own answer that "only the person knows". Anyway, postulating on the pwBPD's thoughts is like trying to build on quicksand.

Interesting question. Why does this interest you? 

[The Cat in d Hat]

Thanks for that detailed reply. I couldnt help but check her social media, and it led me to see she had just then posted a pic of herself of this day, it was a landmark day for me and her family member but likely has in fact deleted me. We never met, the connection maybe was weak, so chances are there’s no memory.

I ask because letting go has been a process, some days I break and check, some days feel like a step back... .but overall day by day I’m getting closer and closer to reaching my goal of full detachment.

In the mean time, anyone with examples do share.

[gotbushels]

I ask because letting go has been a process, some days I break and check, some days feel like a step back... .but overall day by day I’m getting closer and closer to reaching my goal of full detachment.

I see. Well--I think it's normal to feel curious about what any ex is doing. I guess since this info is so much more accessible recently with the internet, it makes it easier for a non to do this checking. I'm not sure what this idea of break is to you, but I'd cautiously state that it's sorta understandable to be a little curious when you're confident with where you want to go afterward.   

[The Cat in d Hat]

The small bit of curiosity stems from the fact that she was undiagnosed. Maybe she was only BPD trait, maybe she was a different cluster, maybe I should have just backed off. I thought I gave a normal response to sudden NC, yet I feel maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut, instead of getting branded as emotionally blackmailing (the other thread I have).

I’ve never had an issue reasoning with myself. Her rollecoaster ride was so intense I’m not sure why occasionally I feel it was my fault it crashed. Seeing her social media was triggering, and how she was able to post something from a day that was so important for me, and she talked to me all day, but was able to split all that off and just remembered what she wanted to.

[No-One]

Hey Cat:
Family members of a BPD can be the recipient of "splitting".  Actually, "There's No Place Like Home" when it comes to splitting.  Some people with BPD or BPD traits can appear perfectly normal in settings like a workplace, but they save up their bad feelings for a comfortable setting, like home. It's common in families, with a BPD mother to have one child be the "golden child" (all good) and another child split black (all bad).  The person split white can sometimes be a friend, who I've heard referred as a "favorite person".

Sometimes, it's the spouse who is painted black.  If a spouse maintains a role as a  co-dependent people pleaser, then someone else may be painted black (a child, or perhaps an in-law). In a sibling situation, perhaps one sibling might paint one sibling black and have a normal relationship with a different sibling.  Sometimes co-dependent family members refuse to see what's going on with the person with BPD traits and blame the family member who is painted black.

The person split white can sometimes be a friend, who I've heard referred as a "favorite person".

Splitting can be for a short time, or for years.  Sometimes, the person with BPD traits will switch off the "painted black" switch.  Both people in family relationships and romantic relationships sometimes report that the person with BPD traits gets back in touch, as if nothing ever happened.  Generally, the person that was painted black, doesn't get to talk through things.  Talking through things can cause the switch to flip back to black.  Because of multiple occasions like this, some people enforce boundaries of limited contact with a family member (and sometime no contact).  After a few rounds of being painted black, it can be hard for a non to just keep resuming a relationship, without doing what normal people do by talking over the issues and reaching some resolution (to hopefully prevent or reduce future episodes).

You can't change someone, who doesn't want to change and/or can't admit they have a problem with "Splitting".  The only think you can do is establish and enforce your own boundaries.

You might be interested in the quoted info. below from the link below:

Everything is black or white. No shades or other colors exist.

"Splitting is one of the hallmarks of BPD: the inability to see middle ground on almost any subject, from a political issue to themselves to the behavior of the host at a party. Splits may last a long time--years--or they may last for three minutes. All-or-nothing thinking pervades almost every area of a BP's life and complicates other BPD issues. The cliché about BPD is that they put people up on pedestals merely to knock them down.

Patricia, who has a BP daughter and a mother: We adopted our granddaughter Deborah because her mother (our daughter) was too emotionally unstable to care for her. Now we're worried because at 11, Deborah seems unable to see people in tones of gray. She bolts from friendship to friendship, and the pattern is always the same: At first the new friend is more than perfect, a soul mate, the best thing that ever happened. But then suddenly something goes wrong. Deborah can't find a nice thing to say about the girl and goes out of her way to trash her as hurtfully as possible. She treats us the same way: Either we're wonderful and she can't hug us enough -- or we're evil incarnate and she looks at us with pure hate."

The link below leads to some info you might find interesting on "Familiar Fights":
https://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/

[40days_in_desert]

Cat... .I too am fascinated with this characteristic of BPD. I’m no professional but have lived and researched this and other characteristics of BPD. In my opinion, my pwBPD “creates” the negative aspects of me when I’m split black as a result of projecting her shameful acts and feelings onto me. Since we were married for well over a decade and have several children, she cannot take responsibility for the tsunami of havoc that she has created in so many lives. I take responsibility for what I’ve done but she has not.
An example of splitting black and white in my personal situation: A month ago she tried to blackmail me so I would sign a new agreement giving her more money. She stated that I was endangering her life and the lives of our children. Fast forward to a week and a half ago, she made the comment that she was never concerned about me taking care for and providing for our children. I think you often hear stand up comedians say this: “I can’t make this stuff up.”

[The Cat in d Hat]

Cat... .I too am fascinated with this characteristic of BPD. I’m no professional but have lived and researched this and other characteristics of BPD. In my opinion, my pwBPD “creates” the negative aspects of me when I’m split black as a result of projecting her shameful acts and feelings onto me. Since we were married for well over a decade and have several children, she cannot take responsibility for the tsunami of havoc that she has created in so many lives. I take responsibility for what I’ve done but she has not.
An example of splitting black and white in my personal situation: A month ago she tried to blackmail me so I would sign a new agreement giving her more money. She stated that I was endangering her life and the lives of our children. Fast forward to a week and a half ago, she made the comment that she was never concerned about me taking care for and providing for our children. I think you often hear stand up comedians say this: “I can’t make this stuff up.”

Wow, yea splitting really is quite fascinating. Total 180 turn what your describing.

I’m still hung up on this post of hers, she posted something about a day that was my bday and her siblings bday, but it looks like she’s erased me from it.

It’s hurtful and relieving simultaneously. I’ll never forget that last conversation, so much anger on her part. Knowing I’m erased feels good in the sense there will be no further contact... .but then reading everyone’s stories there very well can be a sudden reappearance.

[enlighten me]

It may sound odd but I find splitting quite easy to understand.

Not that easy to put into words though.

The way I see it is that as has been said theres no middle ground between good and bad. The feelings a pwBPD feels dictates which way a person is split. If we do something bad or make a pwBPD feel bad about themselves then we get split black or we add to the negative side of the scales. These scales will only tip one way or another under a certain weight of feelings.

When a pwBPD does something like post on social media something relevant to you but without you in it I wouldn't say it is splitting. My exgf does this all the time and its more of a tentative reaching out without risking exposure than a splitting thing. It means they are thinking of you but theyre not willing to reach out as they are either afraid you will reject them or are ashamed of how they treated you or maybe even that they miss you but realise that things wouldn't work out.

[The Cat in d Hat]

It may sound odd but I find splitting quite easy to understand.

Not that easy to put into words though.

The way I see it is that as has been said theres no middle ground between good and bad. The feelings a pwBPD feels dictates which way a person is split. If we do something bad or make a pwBPD feel bad about themselves then we get split black or we add to the negative side of the scales. These scales will only tip one way or another under a certain weight of feelings.

When a pwBPD does something like post on social media something relevant to you but without you in it I wouldn't say it is splitting. My exgf does this all the time and its more of a tentative reaching out without risking exposure than a splitting thing. It means they are thinking of you but theyre not willing to reach out as they are either afraid you will reject them or are ashamed of how they treated you or maybe even that they miss you but realise that things wouldn't work out.

You are correct, it might not have much to do with splitting, more something just personal for her, but I’m not going to read into it. She might have just done it for her sibling, who she said she loved. As much as it would be great to feel she misses me as I do sometimes, it’s about validation that I wanted, but don’t need. It’s unlikely that’s the case, I always revolve back to the anger and bitterness she showed me in just 2 final minutes we spoke.

It’s been about 45 days now, the pain is gone, there are still thoughts though.

[Skip]

In a situation where the pwBPD has a loved one they love dearly, such a family member, that shares the same date for a special event like an anniversary or birthday with a s/o they just split black, when they think of that day are they able to actually block out the split persons existence? Or do they remember the person just a new horrible split black version? Or something else.

I think your question, simplified is, "My exgf and I have the same _______ day (e.g., birthday). She has split me black a while back. She posted a happy picture on that day this year. What does that say about her feelings for me."

My suggestion is, don't use social media to analysis secondary or tertiary emotions of a third party. Why, because flipping a quarter is more accurate. We can be desperate for information or feedback and go to extreme lengths to try to interpret the little data we have - but at some point we have to see that the data we have is useless for this purpose.

Yes, sure if she posts an engagement picture you can conclude she is very serious with her boyfriend, if she posts a selfie inside an ambulance, you can conclude she got hurt, but if she posts a photo wearing an ear ring that she bought when the two of you were on a trip - you can't reliable interpret that. Worse, you do yourself a disservice trying because you can create a reality in your mind and the struggle with it.

Use your psychology knowledge wisely.  

[Sunfl0wer]

There is splitting.

There is also the issue of object constancy.

Somtimes these interact together in some way.

Lots of time during the relationship the pwBPD may have had abandonment issues when their SO is working, out with friends, etc... .just generally not available for natural reasons.  The pwBPD may struggle at times to remain feeling connected in your absense, so may start to fear abandonment.  Meaning, while you are away, they may feel frantic over feelings of not feeling connected... .may feel “loss” and begin freaking out over “loss.”

Sometimes to cope with these feelings they may either anxiously cling to you.  Or instead, they may begin distancing to cope.  Sometimes with the distancing moves you will likely get painted black.

So... .
Will an ex pw BPD recall a special date or have amnesia?
Idk
It is possible that with all the compartmentalization going on in their psyche that they may in fact have some info on you compartmentalized.  (Same way anyone who experiences a break up, we may tend to recall only find memories and compartmentalize the bigger picture Of it all.). So sure, forgetting IS possible.

It is also possible that the person does remember.

Yet, what may impair our own mental health is trying to define our self worth in if that other person recognizes and values us.  If we spend time chasing in Others meaning so we feel valued... . this may cause us self harm.

(Seeing my inherent value without relativity to what I provide others... .is personally something I am still cultivating in me... .so I find it ongoing hard work)

What can drive us mad tho is assuming and looking for hidden meaning in their behaviors.  In the relationship, there may have been a lot of reading between the lines, lots of sub text, lots of stuff we felt we had to almost learn to read their minds to cope with maintaining the relationship.  We may be in a default pattern connected to them if we find ourself connected to meaning in what they do post break up. 

You will have to see for your self though what actions and behaviors on your part cause you to heal in your detachment.  We are all different.

Ask yourself if looking at her media and focusing on it adds anything meaningful to your current state of life?

[The Cat in d Hat]

@Skip and Sunfl0wer

Thanks for your responses, I’ll do my best to avoid social media. I have been trying to fill my days with general self improvement, furthering my studies even when it’s been hard to concentrate, and working out, which has now suffered due to an injury few days ago.

[Skip]

We have all tried to interpret social media. Its a natural instinct. 

[The Cat in d Hat]

I was definitely reading into things for nothing. It wasn’t good for me now and wasn’t going to be later. I went ahead and blocked her as well everywhere. It’s more symbolic than anything, wanted those doors closed.