New...trying to figure this out. On the verge of separating.

[dj61118]

Hi,
My husband has been diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder but I suspect he may be borderline/high.  I have a job where I travel for work, gone 2-3 days a week on average.  I had an accident and could not work for the last 8 weeks.  I have spent much more time at home and it’s been pretty miserable.  We’ve always had “communication problems” and we’re in couple’s therapy.  Additionally, he is seeing his own therapist to help with anxiety and reactive emotions.  He’s an addict in recovery for 11 years.  We are seriously on the verge of separating at this point.  His behaviors really seem to match BPD.  I’m just trying to make sense of it all in the event that we/I decide to try to continue the relationship.  We are not actually married but I refer to him as my husband.  We have been together 18 years.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Seems like the proximity due to you being home is triggering to your relationship.  What kinds of behaviors are you most struggling with? Is he flipping out trying to support you while you are down due to the accident?

[dj61118]

He is being triggered by the caretaking demands of my accident, but not physical caretaking.  It’s really emotional caretaking that I need and he has not shown the ability to handle it.  This injury is potentially career threatening  I think it was difficult for him to deal with emotionally as I am the primary breadwinner and this put me out of work (and still am).  It looks as if I will be able to return to my career, but it’s taking longer than expected.  He actually has left more responsibilities of home up to me and spent more time with his own work. This however does not mean that he’s working more to cover the bills.  My short term disability and sick time are paying the bills.   My being home has created more emotional and communication demands for him and he has been avoiding the situation.  This sort of emotional avoidance been an ongoing issue in our relationship, but this has brought it to a head.  When I have tried to approach discussions about any of these issues they eventually turn into arguments.  We have argued so much and it feels completely irrational to me - “crazy making” sorts of arguments.  He has moved out as of this evening.  At this point I’m not sure whether either of us will consider trying to work it out.  I’m just trying to read up on this site and get some tools to make whatever communication happens the least emotionally draining and destructive as possible.  Any advice is welcome.  

[heartandwhole]

Hi dj61118,



Welcome to the community! You’ve found a great place for support. Members her have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. And we have tons of resources to help. Communication tools can really help. There is hope!

He has moved out as of this evening.  At this point I’m not sure whether either of us will consider trying to work it out.  I’m just trying to read up on this site and get some tools to make whatever communication happens the least emotionally draining and destructive as possible.  Any advice is welcome.  

I’m sorry to hear this. Have you spoken about how long this separation will be in effect? Do you have other friends and/ or family whom you can count on for support right now?

Have you seen this short lesson on ending conflict? If you have time to check it out, let us know if it resonates and what your thoughts are:

Ending Conflict

Keep posting and check out the literature and tools here (fat green menu bar at top of page). We’re here to support you.

heartandwhole