First steps in moving forward

[peaceseeker500]

So today is a big step for me, following a couple of months of tumultuous goings on with my uBPD mother I am attending a first session at a group for women who have been abused. I think the most scary part for me is coming to terms with the fact that what I have gone through for the past 35 or so years has been abuse. Giving it a name and accepting that I don’t want the next 20 years of my life to be filled with the same.

Having read what I have over the last few weeks in BPD, I absolutely believe that this is what my mother has, although she refuses to get help or support as in her mind, all of her problems are caused by frankly anyone who isn’t her but predominantly my father (her ex) my brothers and me.

It has taken me deciding I cannot put myself through the pain of keeping going back time and time again for the same things to happen again. I have reached my limit of suicide threats, horrific emails telling me all the things that my mum believes I have done to not support her knowing that I have done more than anyone could have expected to look after her over the years. The pain of knowing that anything you say or do will be stored up in a memory bank to be thrown back at you at some point in the future but with a slight twist which makes mum the victim.

I accept my mum is ill, I always have done, even when I didn’t have a name for it. I have done everything I possibly can to support my mum but when she refuses to seek help from anyone other than me, I realise I can’t be the sole bearer of that responsibility and am trying to accept that it is not my responsibility to fix.

The challenge for me now is how to move forward and I am hoping today will be a first step. I am currently trying to be no contact but when I am still receiving voicemails demanding that I go over to visit because she is about to lose her house and that it will all be my fault, the guilt kicks back in and I think maybe I can make the pain go away by just going back again and brushing all the abuse of the past few weeks under the carpet. I receive one message which is vaguely placatory and think maybe I am overreacting but then when my rational brain kicks in, I realise that actually what she is asking me to do is to commit fraud on her behalf and that in itself is wrong and controlling and abusive.

I am really hoping that joining a group with other women who have experienced the same kind of controlling behaviours and come through it will help give me the strength to keep going. The hardest bit just now is knowing that I am not in a healthy state of mind to put myself back in contact with my mum but that doesn’t stop me loving her and worrying about her. But when every thought in the day is invaded by visualising how mum would react to it, you know things have gone on too long.

Wish me luck and I will let you know how I get on at the group!
 

[Panda39]

Good for you to take steps towards your own healing   

Panda39