Have you had moments that feel better than ever because of what happened?

[tiki]

Is it possible you can have moments that feel better than ever before as a result of having gone through this? A sort of honeymoon period with your own regained mental health. Do many of you feel the scars outweighs the happiness or did anyone else feel elated?

[Insom]

Hi, tiki!

This is an interesting question that I don't think I've ever considered.

It sounds like you're feeling great today.  Do you think it's an after-effect of getting out of your relationship?

FWIW, I do remember feeling elated when I moved away from home and relationship with person with BPD to attend college.  And I remember consciously thinking, "I get to choose my own life now."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tiki, Oh, I think so.  After experiencing my personal "dark ages,"  I appreciate the light that much more.  For me, it has been less elation than a feeling of inner tranquility after the turbulence and abuse.  Having spent years lost in the wilderness, now I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

[tiki]

Hi, tiki!

This is an interesting question that I don't think I've ever considered.

It sounds like you're feeling great today.  Do you think it's an after-effect of getting out of your relationship?

FWIW, I do remember feeling elated when I moved away from home and relationship with person with BPD to attend college.  And I remember consciously thinking, "I get to choose my own life now."

Yes, exactly. How did it go then for you after you moved away? After the initial excitement did you still have a lot of stuff to work through? I think some of the happiness is just the initial thrust. I know there might still be a road ahead, but I’m resolved now. I feel much safer too. I feel like I’m away from harm.

[tiki]

Hey tiki, Oh, I think so.  After experiencing my personal "dark ages,"  I appreciate the light that much more.  For me, it has been less elation than a feeling of inner tranquility after the turbulence and abuse.  Having spent years lost in the wilderness, now I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

Great way to put it. I had another pretty long dark period and yeah you appreciate the light more. There is nothing in this world that is better than good mental and emotional health.

[Insom]

"After the initial excitement did you still have a lot of stuff to work through?"

Yes!  And I am still working through it.  Mainly stuff having to do with my family of origin (FOO), but also some stuff having to do with the specifics of that relationship.  The two are linked.

I feel much safer too. I feel like I’m away from harm.

Yes, I can relate with this, too. Though I do still have some residual fear about him reentering my life/us crossing paths.  What that might look like.  How I might handle it.

What changes have you made that are helping you feel happy/safe?

[Duped 1]

I definitely have moments when I know I am so much better off without such a destructive, dishonest, and abusive person in my life. I don't think I will ever feel "better than ever" and wouldn't wish this awful experience of being enmeshed with a BPD on anyone.

[tiki]

I definitely have moments when I know I am so much better off without such a destructive, dishonest, and abusive person in my life. I don't think I will ever feel "better than ever" and wouldn't wish this awful experience of being enmeshed with a BPD on anyone.

I’m bad with words. I shouldn’t have said “better than ever” like a hair commercial. Just maybe that you can appreciate simple things more like not being in a state of distress. The sense I am getting though is that for a lot of people there are often lasting scars.

[Duped 1]

Tiki-

Some people come out of these relationships and see them as a blessing and a learning experience. I will never be one of them as this has been the most painful experience of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone (except maybe her .

There is definitely more peace in my life without her in it creating chaos for no reason.

[once removed]

Some people come out of these relationships and see them as a blessing and a learning experience.

ive never been big on calling the experience a blessing or a "gift" as some prefer. no one feels that way at the time, although some instinctively look toward the silver linings, and believe that they will come out of the experience stronger, wiser, better, and set their aim on doing it, which i think is a mentality that speaks to resilience, something i did not have before my experience. i think that it can also imply that we would do it all over again, which would not be stronger, wiser, or better.

i do look back on the relationship as a learning experience, as i believe all relationships are. it set me on a better path in my life, in my relationships, and with regard to how i cope. that didnt necessarily come from the relationship itself, or the breakup, but with the path i chose toward healing.

i can also say that now that i am removed from the pain, and have moved in a healthier direction, that i do not regret the experience, and i feel, more or less, that it was a crucible of growth that was necessary for me, in the sense that the direction i was going in life was painful, made me stagnant, and the outcome of my relationship opened my eyes to that, that what i was doing no longer worked for me, and i dont think i could have/would have seen it otherwise.

in short, i feel the experience was inevitable for me. learning the lessons wasnt, but the relationship was the catalyst for me to do so.

do i feel better than ever, or elated? i think i just feel different. im a different man than the one that was in the relationship, or even a few years ago. think of a middle school or high school breakup - we grow, we get older and wiser, we wouldnt today recognize the version of us that was in that relationship. i think in terms of healing from our wounds, that that is something to strive for.

i think this is a good framework for healing and what it looks like (victim to survivor to thriver): https://www.havoca.org/survivors/

[Duped 1]

I have definitely learned a lot from it about myself as well as potential red flags in future relationships. I still will always wish I never would have known her.

[tiki]

Yes!  And I am still working through it.  Mainly stuff having to do with my family of origin (FOO), but also some stuff having to do with the specifics of that relationship.  The two are linked.

Yes, I can relate with this, too. Though I do still have some residual fear about him reentering my life/us crossing paths.  What that might look like.  How I might handle it.

What changes have you made that are helping you feel happy/safe?

I just feel like it’s really over and it has given me incredible relief. I guess part of it is like you said dealing with the residual fear. I feel like I am less worried about this now because of the resolve I feel. I feel like even if he does come to me now it’s just going to be the same conclusion for me anyway.

I also know that I am capible of having good mental health on my own and so this makes me excited.

He is a really horrible toxic person and I am just left to shake my head. He kind of did it to himself in taking everything to far. It’s not even a matter of what I might want it’s what I can handle and I can’t handle him and so that makes it pretty easy.

There is no other decision possible. He has also gone out of his way to really show me who he is this past month and a half I guess exaggeratedly. And I feel glad that I got to see it because now I know. He has given me more and more pieces from which I can draw closure.

I guess it was a matter of realizing I can’t deal with it. Regardless of anything else I don’t have a choice. And somehow realizing that led me to feeling this way. Safe.

[The Cat in d Hat]

I have definitely learned a lot from it about myself as well as potential red flags in future relationships. I still will always wish I never would have known her.

Agree with that. In my case I was vulnerable since I’m in a tough time of my life and socially withdrawn to focus on my career. My wounds are fairly new, it’s only been 6 weeks, so hard to say how ill feel 6 more weeks from now.

I do feel happy getting off the rollecoaster, but I still like having fun. Would be nice to find a normal carousel like I’m used to, not the nauseating ride I just rode.

For now just happy with myself, yes Tiki, regardless of thoughts of missing her... .better off indeed. I almost lost myself in her.

[tiki]

Also I have past trauma from 10 years ago and so I think I don’t mention it on these boards much but there is an intersection between his treatment and my mental health. For the past month and a half I’ve been very trauma symptomatic and in actual pain. I still am dealing with it like though I was and am relieved today I still have trauma symptoms tonight but hopefully over time.

[tiki]

Agree with that. In my case I was vulnerable since I’m in a tough time of my life and socially withdrawn to focus on my career. My wounds are fairly new, it’s only been 6 weeks, so hard to say how ill feel 6 more weeks from now.

I do feel happy getting off the rollecoaster, but I still like having fun. Would be nice to find a normal carousel like I’m used to, not the nauseating ride I just rode.

For now just happy with myself, yes Tiki, regardless of thoughts of missing her... .better off indeed. I almost lost myself in her.

I met this person on the internet too. And it was like 10 years ago internet before Instagram and what have you. He is nothing like how he presented himself and is a very troubled unhappy soul type person. Hurt people hurt people as the saying goes. Are you at least curious about meeting her? Or do you feel like you got a pretty full idea of who she is?

[The Cat in d Hat]

Hurt people hurt people as the saying goes.

Now ain’t that the truth.

Met mine on a dating site, troubled soul much like your situation. I’m not a fixer, but I also didn’t pass judgement on her not so perfect past,

I was hesitant from the start, and this is a person who described in detail to me what I can do to her right in the bathroom on our first date, and it was just about anything. Sometimes I wonder what kind of guy am I? Passing up sex with basically a porn star, all because she said she hates condoms. Sometimes I’m thankful my hesitation combined with my busy schedule didn’t allow me to meet her. Toward the end I wanted to just end things, she was doing a real push-pull, and “thinking out loud” saying she can’t do this. When I told her let’s not bother meeting, and call it off before things get worse, the waterworks came. I said fine, let’s go on a date and see.

When I finally got excited, got dry cleaning done, washed my car, ordered her favorite colored flowers... .she called it off the day before, tossed all the weaknesses she could think of at me. I was baffled, but thought nothing of it at the time.

Days later I cut down communication to detach, she just went NC. Tried to ask why and she had what I’d like to say was her final discard, blew up on just a small thing I said, projected and threatened me with an R/O (we haven’t even met).

She waited till I was fully in the palm of her hand, and crushed me. I’m not as angry as I sound, she warned me through and through, beginning to end, I’m broken, I’m no good for you, I’m not ready, etc, etc.

Are you at least curious about meeting her? Or do you feel like you got a pretty full idea of who she is?

I was curious to meet her, but nothing good can possibly come from that. When someone says r/o... .alarm bells ring. I don’t need her stress.

As for knowing her? I don’t think I ever knew her. She said she’s not interested any other guy right now, except me. I’m now more and more sure, reading everyone’s stories here, gathering knowledge, every guy she ever mentioned during those 2 months, she was either sleeping with them or just sucking emotion. The only part of her I did know was all that mirroring... .that was all me.

[tiki]

Well I guess I have my little wings now. As I probably like swan dive into a dumpster. I leaned a lot. Reallly valuable sevice. I’ll drop some change in the can. I feel like just today I got to a new level where I’ve learned everything I can. Anyway, thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi tiki,

I like your attitude! It feels quite positive, especially considering what you've been through. It sounds like you've found some peace within yourself and with your decision. That is a blessing, in my book. So many of us second-guess ourselves and ruminate for a long time, which can set back our recovery. Good for you that you are moving forward and looking after yourself.

I feel that my experience was very painful and even shocking to my system, but having come out of it, I can see it as a gift. I feel more myself now, if that makes sense. And yes, I have some scars, but a scar is a place where the healed skin is actually stronger, right?

I believe that I needed that relationship to bring important things about myself, which were previously unconscious, to my awareness. It has opened my eyes and my heart. I wish it didn't have to be so painful, but it seems that's the kind of wake-up call that was required in my case.

I'm sorry that you are suffering from trauma symptoms. I had physical issues during and then (new ones) many months after the end of my relationship. The body definitely takes a hit.

Are you getting support for your symptoms?

heartandwhole

[tiki]

Thank you H&W,

He literally was my illness. All of this dysfunction was coming from him. Granted his dysfunction reacted poorly with my pre existing things but I can manage those things typically.

I think any remaining possible openings made me feel unsafe subconsciously. And I still had those openings so I was right to feel that way. I didn’t feel relief until they were all closed and it’s a matter of collecting everything.

I hope to god there is no possible way back to me. I’m sick of it and it’s taken up way too much of my life. Because what if? Is it enough resolve?

Anyway, thank you. And like you said it is saying no to them and yes to you. Or me. I mean...

[Lucky Jim]

I needed that relationship to bring important things about myself, which were previously unconscious, to my awareness. It has opened my eyes and my heart. I wish it didn't have to be so painful, but it seems that's the kind of wake-up call that was required in my case.

Same here, h&w.  My BPD r/s was the crucible for new growth, which on some level I needed, even though it involved a lot of suffering.  Yet now I know myself much better.

LJ

[wellwellwell]

Moments of beauty and clarity and self-care that I may never have known otherwise. I think I'd still do it all again to know I'd get here. But that's on good days. And I'm a romantic, damn it.

[tiki]

I wouldn’t go through this again either.  I just think you appreciate things more having been though stuff like this. You appreciate feeling well. You appreciate people who are reasonable. You appreciate people who are capible of conflict resolution. I feel thankful for sanity in others now. That’s not something I had before. I feel like I can get along better now with people I don’t agree with as long as they are sane, rational human beings I don’t even care. I feel like having political differences is less of a big deal. I feel like I appreciate people’s core abilities more and can see behind superficial differences better now. But mostly I triple appreciate a moment’s peace. I appreciate the relaxed state of how my body feels when it’s not stressed out and doesn’t have stress hormones being pumped through it. But I wouldn’t go through this again. Because it robbed me of time and made me more distrustful and sad. And the time thing that pisses me of is that this still feels like not my journey. That I’m the aftermath of someone’s else’s journey and it’s not mine. I could already appreciate those things now I just appreciate them more. And it’s not even a reflection of who I chose to have in my life because I chose to have him in my life 10 years ago. I know better and I always knew better. I was fooled.

[wellwellwell]

I wouldn’t go through this again either.  I just think you appreciate things more having been though stuff like this. You appreciate feeling well. You appreciate people who are reasonable. You appreciate people who are capible of conflict resolution. I feel thankful for sanity in others now. That’s not something I had before. I feel like I can get along better now with people I don’t agree with as long as they are sane, rational human beings I don’t even care. I feel like having political differences is less of a big deal. I feel like I appreciate people’s core abilities more and can see behind superficial differences better now. But mostly I triple appreciate a moment’s peace. I appreciate the relaxed state of how my body feels when it’s not stressed out and doesn’t have stress hormones being pumped through it. But I wouldn’t go through this again. Because it robbed me of time and made me more distrustful and sad. And the time thing that pisses me of is that this still feels like not my journey. That I’m the aftermath of someone’s else’s journey and it’s not mine. I could already appreciate those things now I just appreciate them more. And it’s not even a reflection of who I chose to have in my life because I chose to have him in my life 10 years ago. I know better and I always knew better. I was fooled.

I just wanted to say that this really made me think, particularly after my post immediately above. Regardless of the way these experiences can be compartmentalized as 'learning experiences', the damage they inflict and the stretches of unrecoverable life they take (for me, a decade, damn it), are just plain wrong. For me, it's still too easy to avoid the anger that brings this clarity. Thank you.

[blueblue12]

Hey Tiki, great thread!
After been away from the chaos for about a year of not seeing my ex wife, I do feel like I am regaining my path, and it feels great. I feel calm, focused and enjoying life and my interaction with others. At times I do miss some of the nice things in my past life with her, but the damage, lies, gaslighting, abuse and horrible behaviour I endured, specially during our last year together I am so glad to be away from.

I like many in this forum, suffered great abuse to the point of feeling completely worthless and it took me much time and the help of a great T to start finding myself again. I also learned about BPD through my T as I had no idea what I had been dealing with. I believe I am on the road again. I also feel like, and I guess it is not a great thing to say, but I feel like she did me a great big favour by leaving me, as I was so devoted I was in it for life, despite the bad treatment received. I was blinded by her. I was going to be there forever.

After she destroyed everything, she did come back and wanted to start again, by then I was in two minds and I am glad I stood my ground and basically told her “I wouldn’t know where to start as our connection was damaged too much.” She wanted to try though and even asked me to start therapy together as ‘we’ had psychological issues to work on! There you go.

The damage though has made me really focus on what I want in life, what makes me happy, things I need and want to do. I am getting there. And I am not seeking a new relationship right now, I am quite content to be single. I guess it is hard at this point in time for me to see any goodness in a new relationship after looking after someone for so long. It actually left me exhausted. 

It definitely gets better. I remember Lucky Jim telling me that in one of the exchanges we had, he was right. Thank you!

[juju2]

hi family, responding to Raul's post,

after reading your post,
Do you believe you had a part to play.

That is where I am, looking at my part.

How does anything get better, if i just look at pwBPD and say, he was wrong, I got hurt, he behaved badly, etc.  although true, it isn't helping me.  Especially when they have an illness.

The only thing that helps is when i see what my part was.  Otherwise, how do i grow, how do i not repeat my actions.
We are in couples counseling now, since beginning of December, and i don't know where it is going.

He is seeing someone else.  We are separated now 1year, we see eachother for coffee the weeks we don't go to counseling.

I don't have a lot of hope.

Thank you, j

[tiki]

I just wanted to say that this really made me think, particularly after my post immediately above. Regardless of the way these experiences can be compartmentalized as 'learning experiences', the damage they inflict and the stretches of unrecoverable life they take (for me, a decade, damn it), are just plain wrong. For me, it's still too easy to avoid the anger that brings this clarity. Thank you.

I liked your post. I went the opposite direction and thought uncomfortably about what I did to bring such a person in my life and I guess I do see some things. I guess life is always about getting buried but then still seeking the light.

[Lucky Jim]

It definitely gets better. I remember Lucky Jim telling me that in one of the exchanges we had, he was right. Thank you!

Raul: You're welcome!  Glad to hear you are back on your path.  It can be rough sledding, at times, but leads to greater happiness.

juju6860: I'm sorry that you feel so discouraged.  I suggest that you start with yourself, by treating yourself with care and compassion. 

LJ

[blueblue12]

Juju, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I feel mine was a tad different in that I did not agree to the marriage therapy as with the help and advice from my T I am afraid I did not see that it was going to be of any use. As my T explained at the time for me to get involved in that type of therapy scenario not was only going to give her a forum to blame me for everything once more and for her to act and behave as the victim. I had gone through that in the past and it did not work.

What my T advice me was that she had to engage in DBT therapy to look at her role in destroying good things and to look deeply at her actions and develop strategies to make sure not to derail areas that could have been worked out. But first and more importantly was for her once for all to start addressing her actions and what they cause. My T also told me that that would take years of work and she would need to understand that it was the best scenario.

She had a history of derailing relationships in the past, I thought that I wouldn’t fall into that scenario as I was devoted and always 100% supportive in every facet of her life, but somehow that wasn’t good enough and I became the bad guy as well, for a time. It was impossible to fix and I tried and tried. When she came back to try and entice me back though I was suddenly the greatest guy in the world and the love of her life. When I didn’t go for it, she then found a new guy.  Sad.