uBPDw left, filed for separation

[Gblack]

About 2 months ago my wife and I had a small argument that turned into her breaking a tv in our bedroom. I am not perfect and didn’t understand how to deal with her actions/reactions in the past. I had became passive, detached, and angry myself bc I couldn’t fix the situation and we were growing apart. The night she broke the tv by pushing it off the stand I called the police. No charges were filed and I stayed at a friends for a few days to let things cool down. A week later she was moving out and told me she retained a lawyer. She stopped wearing her ring a few days b4 moving out.

For 2 weeks straight I’d see her at church and we’d speak. I agreed to sign her off our lease and do our taxes together. After signing her off the lease she told me she loved me but that she felt backed into a corner by me calling the cops. She said we could meet up later and talk but that she needed time.

Then I was served papers and in the writing was her asking for her maiden name back, a restraining order, etc. When she texted me about doing our taxes together I told her that my lawyer advised me to not meet her for them.

She then deleted me from all social media accounts and we haven’t spoken since. We had court last week and we both answered the judge that there wasn’t opportunity for reconciliation. If one of us had answered yes there would have more hearings, which means more money for lawyers. I wish I had of said yes bc now I’m wondering what the hell just happened to 3 yrs of marriage (even if it has been a rollercoaster). I’m confused by the coldness all of a sudden. I have learned she feels I’ve been abusive from mutual friends. I just feel that’s a cover for her actions when the police were called. I’ve never hit her so I guess they mean how I’ve reacted by cursing after she throws tv’s or screams herself.

Now I’m devastated and struggle with sadness each day. I don’t know weather to move on, give it time, contact her (being I have a ton of her mail over the past month), or idk what. I still love my wife and if we could commit to counseling together and she’d get counseling as well I’d jump at the opportunity.

Please help! Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you in advance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Gblack and welcome!   You've come to the right place for support. There are lots of members here with the same experience. Suggest you read through and participate in related threads to gain context on your situation. 

I'm so sorry for your sadness and completely understand the feeling of having to struggle every day. I'm preparing for a separation from my wife of 7 years, partner of 11. I called the police on her this weekend for destroying most my clothes and am still coping with the fallout.

Since you've just come out of a very intense situation, which of the actions you suggested do you think would be the most helpful towards your healing right now? How are you taking care of yourself since the break and who do you have to support you?

~ROE

[Gblack]

Hi Roe,

Thank you for your reply! I’m sorry you are also going thru some similar stuff involving your wife. To answer your ? about what’s best for my healing is I have no clue. I have a 1000 questions about whether to move on or what my wife’s intentions are or if she’ll seek treatment before divorce. I’m trying my best to eat, sleep, not drink myself into stupor and surround myself with positive people. I have the support of my family, a number of pastors (one of which knows she’s got something psychologically wrong), Christian friends, and now this site. I’m reading a lot of books right now (Codependency no more, Wild at Heart, & Manhood Restored) and seeing a counselor every Thursday. I’ve seen a doctor bc of my not being able to sleep recently and I got a script for low dose Klonopin. It’s helped some. Waking up each day is a struggle.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Gblack, sounds like you're taking all the correct action. Good for you! Taking care of yourself physically precedes everything, and having a support network in place is crucial. And I think the more knowledge you gain and more time you take to reflect the answer as to your next step will become more clear. 

Getting up is the hardest part of my day, too. Going to sleep is the easiest. Every day brings me closer to the inevitable separation that will explode my life. The question of whether my wife will seek treatment as I hope looms large over everything, so I know exactly how you feel. Everyone will tell us we can't control someone else and we need to focus on ourselves, and that's 100% true, but its easier said than done.

Sharing with you a quote from Samuel Beckett that another member gave me recently that has been of a big help:

"I can't go on, I'll go on."

There is hope, my friend, and the tiny moments of joy we experience during this time are still worth everything.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

Hello Gblack,

I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a gut-wrenching situation, but this is a good place to be. 

It sounds like things moved pretty fast.  Slowing things down could be a good first step to assessing whether the relationship can be saved.  What's the next step in the court process?  When is it?  If it's coming up soon, you may want to talk to your lawyer about ways to slow things down.

You said you've been reading a lot of books.  What have you learned so far about BPD?  Have you read any BPD books, such as, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," "Loving Someone with BPD," or "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me?"  They are all good, though "Eggshells" is a classic and a good place to start.

Do you have a mutual friend or clergy member who could act as an intermediary to see if a thaw might be possible?

WW

[Gblack]

Hi Wentworth!

Thanks for replying! Yes, it has moved tremendously fast. We have no more court hearings, until final divorce hearing next Jan., as I decided the best thing to do at this time is not fight her on things like her taking last name back, this or that pot or pan, and other simple marital property things. If I would have refused anything or fought her on these silly things it would have cost me another 2500$ for a lawyer for each following hearing.

I have read ‘Loving someone with BPD’ but I think it only made my codependency issues worse. I thought I had the tools to fix her by reading it. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I should’ve been focusing on my reactions more than her actions at the time imho. Although I do think it’s helpful to see the full scope of what you are dealing with. It was nice to read something that reassured me I wasn’t nuts and I wasn’t the problem as she would try to blame shift/pin everything as my fault.

We were in a married small group at our church and she refused to meet with the leaders of it despite them reaching out. She’s refused to meet individually with any pastor. She’s surrounded herself with feminist ‘yes’ girls who’ve all are divorced or never had a relationship. In other words she surrounded herself with ugly miserable people that are toxic to any marriage. She gets to hear what she wants to hear from these girls in other words... .not what she needs to hear. I feel it’s her defense mechanism to shame, vulnerability, and guilt. She met with one pastor and brought one of these friends with her. The pastor said he felt like anything he said was sticking his face in a bear trap with that friend in the room. Unfortunately this friend is enabling my wife.

My wife has  also made it a point to tell folks I’m abusive. I’ll admit I’ve been emotionally abusive at times as I’ve reacted poorly to her behavior many times but I’ve never hit her. She’s hit me many times and her breaking a tv  is the reason the cops were called. I’ve been split as many posters have said about their own partners and I’ve even been vilified as well. I feel this is projecting on her part and another defense mechanism to shame, guilt, or vulnerability. 

The more I’m writing the more I’m thinking I need to be patient and wait. I’m seeing a 2nd counselor (in addition to my normal one) who specializes with BPD on Friday so I’ll get a good answer on what to do from her then as well and share it here.

[Radcliff]

Gblack,

I think focusing on your reactions, and focusing on yourself in general, is a great idea.  Have you heard of the book, "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend?  It puts the important concept of boundaries in a Christian perspective, and I found it to be very helpful in understanding how my own shortcomings were contributing to the problems in our relationship.  (There's never any excuse for abuse, but I learned how my lack of boundaries had allowed me to stay in a bad situation for too long, not bettering it or leaving it).  This time apart from her is a great chance to focus on yourself, and think about what you might like to change if you both recommitted to the relationship.

You said that you were emotionally abusive.  Can you give an example of what kind of behavior you showed that you believe was emotionally abusive?

How long have you been married?

WW

[Gblack]

Hey Wentworth,

Yes I’ve read the book boundaries and probably have read it non-stop bc perfecting the art of boundary setting was tough for me. I gave in way too much in efforts to just keep the piece which wasn’t the solution. I always feared my wife needed people around her that validated her even when her behavior was chaotic, immature, or violent. I was afraid of her leaving me so I tried to keep the peace. On a side note my mother left two days b4 my 13th bday. I’m sure my worries helped resonate from that which is something I’m currently working on with my counselor along with codependent issues (reading codependency, no more now).

As far as emotionally abusive I mean being passive aggressive with slighting comments, stonewalling, or reacting with curse words when she would become violent, intrusive, or vindictive. I let her know she was crazy, repeatedly which didn’t help anything.

We have been married for almost 3 years but only lived together for 1 3/4.

I’m def focusing on myself right now especially spiritually and emotionally. I’m going on a men’s hike with my church in April and I’m stoked about that.

[Gblack]

^Probably should have read it*

[Radcliff]

As far as emotionally abusive I mean being passive aggressive with slighting comments, stonewalling, or reacting with curse words when she would become violent, intrusive, or vindictive. I let her know she was crazy, repeatedly which didn’t help anything.

I wasn't there, so I can't say, but words I associate with your description might be "unhealthy," "ineffective," "inappropriate," and "insensitive."  You likely learned through your reading that these things were unhelpful, and worked to modify your behaviors.  Many of us started out in the exact same situation.  "Emotionally abusive" is not a word that comes to mind to describe these behaviors.  Of course, our pwBPD often feel we are emotionally abusive.  I journaled several incidents where my wife called me emotionally abusive and in fact I was totally walking on eggshells trying not to upset her.  Our pwBPD may well be genuine in their feelings that we are abusive, and can be quite convincing when talking to others, because they so genuinely believe it.  It is probably best not to admit to being "emotionally abusive" to others.  If you're talking to a pastor, friend, or therapist who's helping you, just tell them what you did, how you learned over time to not fan the flames, etc.  That avoids the issue of her, you, me, or anyone else disagreeing on labels.

I’m def focusing on myself right now especially spiritually and emotionally. I’m going on a men’s hike with my church in April and I’m stoked about that.

Excellent!  Exercise and socialization together, that's a twofer.

WW

[Turkish]

My ex was enabled by friends to "leave him and find your own happiness," she told me much later after saying she never should have left me.  I'll tell you what I think of the Eat, Pray Love plan 

The core feeling of a pwBPD (person with BPD) is shame or inadequacy.  "I'm a bad person, worthless, and not deserving of love." The unhealthy coping skills manifest by lashing out and sometimes abandoning those closest. We can learn skills not to trigger these feelings,  but ultimately we can't fix deep,  core disordered thoughts.  You did what you did to be safe and not be the target of continued domestic violence. 

The church aspect is another thing with its own complications.  I'm glad that you've found support there for yourself.  It's sad that she's found validators on her side, but that is what it is.  Focus on you and your relationship with God and your fellow parishioners. 

[Gblack]

I wasn't there, so I can't say, but words I associate with your description might be "unhealthy," "ineffective," "inappropriate," and "insensitive."  You likely learned through your reading that these things were unhelpful, and worked to modify your behaviors.  Many of us started out in the exact same situation.  "Emotionally abusive" is not a word that comes to mind to describe these behaviors.  Of course, our pwBPD often feel we are emotionally abusive.  I journaled several incidents where my wife called me emotionally abusive and in fact I was totally walking on eggshells trying not to upset her.  Our pwBPD may well be genuine in their feelings that we are abusive, and can be quite convincing when talking to others, because they so genuinely believe it.  It is probably best not to admit to being "emotionally abusive" to others.  If you're talking to a pastor, friend, or therapist who's helping you, just tell them what you did, how you learned over time to not fan the flames, etc.  That avoids the issue of her, you, me, or anyone else disagreeing on labels.

Excellent!  Exercise and socialization together, that's a twofer.

Wow! Thank you for that! I guess I’ve been called it by her so much I’ve accepted the label but when reflecting I was literally trying to keep the peace or reacting from hurt from her behaviors/abuse!

Reading your post just brought me so much internal peace. I’ve been beating myself up lately while working on myself.

And you are so right on the just explaining what I did instead of wearing a label she made up! I guess I’ve been split for so long I’ve just given in to it.

Lastly, yea I’m trying to get exercising again. I’m trying to do 5-6000 steps a day to prepare for the hike. Plus, being sedentary only makes my mind race.

Thank you again for your wise words and sharing your experience!

[juju2]

Hang in there

My thing is stop making things worse.

I see you pausing, taking care of yourself.

For me, I go to al anon, it seems to help me, I learn detach w love, one day at a time, how important is it anyway?, let go and let God, many things that help.  Also, it is a spiritual program.

Those of us w pwBPD are under stress.
We become the keepers of hope.  They have a serious mental illness.  I interact with his s.m.i.,
Not him.  A lot of the time.

The more aware, alert, accepting i am, the better.

The only way for that to happen, is i be at my best:
Spiritually, emotionally, physically.

This requires me to do excellent self care.

I can't rely on him to make me happy.

I need to get myself in excellent shape, and realize that this isn't personal.  I am dealing w something I have no experience with.  I want to be open minded.  I want to have compassion.

The biggest thing for me is to take note of my attitude:  My attitude determines everything about me.  I need to be aware of what my attitude is.

Is my attitude in agreement w my values, and what I choose for this r/s?

Attitude determines my actions.

When I get a hold of my attitude, determine if it is accurate, based on what I choose for my life, my r/s w pwBPD, then, and ONLY THEN, can i trust my thinking and my actions.

Changed attitudes change my life.

People here care,

Keep reading here, keep sharing,
j

[Gblack]

My ex was enabled by friends to "leave him and find your own happiness," she told me much later after saying she never should have left me.  I'll tell you what I think of the Eat, Pray Love plan  

The core feeling of a pwBPD (person with BPD) is shame or inadequacy.  "I'm a bad person, worthless, and not deserving of love." The unhealthy coping skills manifest by lashing out and sometimes abandoning those closest. We can learn skills not to trigger these feelings,  but ultimately we can't fix deep,  core disordered thoughts.  You did what you did to be safe and not be the target of continued domestic violence.  

The church aspect is another thing with its own complications.  I'm glad that you've found support there for yourself.  It's sad that she's found validators on her side, but that is what it is.  Focus on you and your relationship with God and your fellow parishioners.  

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for commenting! I didn’t even know what the eat, part, Love thing is but I looked it up and it made me wonder how many women gave up their marriages thanks to that book/movie. If they’d only known that she ends up divorcing again and then becoming a lesbian who’s partner dies.  

In that I seriously doubt my wife will ever utter words suggesting regret or guilt. It’s not in her vocabulary. She genuinely feels she’s the victim. You are so right in the sense that we can’t fix those deep core issues.

Thank you for your words about me doing what I needed to do. For the past few weeks I’ve blamed myself for calling the cops as if it were the direct result of her leaving. Your words help further encourage me to understand that her actions are hers and I had to do what I needed to do to protect myself.

Finally, yea my relationship with God is my main focus as it should have been instead of trying to fix my wife. And like you said it is what it is that she found validators. Misery loves company tho and it’s only a matter of time before they’re enabling her to leave whatever relationship she may have in the future due to her manipulative tactics to be the victim!

Thanks again for your reply and encouragement!

[Radcliff]

Gblack,

I'm so glad my comments gave you peace!  Keep reminding yourself of those things.  We get programmed so strongly that before we know it, we're tilting back towards the old ways of thinking.

When you were responding to Turkish about the police incident, it got me thinking about the Boundaries book again, which you've read.  The TV/police incident is a perfect example of her need for boundaries (owning what is within her boundaries) and your expression of your protective boundaries.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

The TV/police incident is a perfect example of her need for boundaries (owning what is within her boundaries) and your expression of your protective boundaries.

Hi Gblack, following on WW's talk about boundaries (I'm reading the book now, too btw and it's a big help), calling the police on my wife was probably the biggest and boldest step towards setting boundaries I'd taken in my life. Granted, I think it's my failure to set boundaries that led to me needing to take such an extreme measure, but it was what needed to be done. Sometimes we have to reach out to others to help us establish boundaries. I admire what you did to take care of yourself.

~ROE  

[Radcliff]

calling the police on my wife was probably the biggest and boldest step towards setting boundaries I'd taken in my life. Granted, I think it's my failure to set boundaries that led to me needing to take such an extreme measure, but it was what needed to be done.

Roland, I'm right there with you.  When I filed a police report I felt like I'd betrayed my wife but was stopping my betrayal of myself at the same time.  It was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.  I already felt guilty, and she laid on the FOG thicker than I'd ever seen it afterwards.

WW

[Gblack]

Hi juju,

Thank you for your insight and al-anon is something I’ll look into. I thought it was for alcoholics and their families before reading your post. I’m glad you’ve been able to have good boundaries by protecting your values and maintaining a good attitude. All the skills you’ve developed are things I just couldn’t perfect. I was always busy trying to control/end the chaos by putting out fires and left and right. Unfortunately I allowed her chaos to engulf me in its flames. By reacting, getting in yelling matches, being passive, stonewalling, etc. it was like throwing more gas on the fire. But I’m hanging in there. Once again thankful for your post