Deciding if/how to stay in relationship w BPD mom and enabling dad (married 58 y

[TACOCHAOS]

Hi All,
So nice to have a place to land where people may understand. My siblings and dad are in deep denial and our family is riddled with suicidality and addictions. As the oldest and a daughter, I have unwittingly chosen the role of fixer and i just can’t, won’t and, likely, shouldn’t any more. I am also in fear of how this will all erupt and cause deep damage when one of my parents dies (they are 84 and 80). Thanks to anyone who reads this!
T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tacochaos! 

Welcome to our family! We're glad you've joined us. So many of us are dealing with similar issues to those you've gone through and are going through. Please know you are not alone, and we understand. 

Denial is so common among those who have BPD or other mental illness. Those who live with them certainly see a different picture, wouldn't you agree? Here is a link for you that might be helpful:

Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

Are you in any T or have you ever been in T? I think it's awesome that you realize you don't want to continue the cycle. That's how we break the chains to our past and begin to heal and unlearn the dysfunctional system we've always been in since we are now the adult children of a pwBPD. Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? ----->>

I look forward to hearing more from you! Please jump in and welcome others, sharing your story with them. 

 
Wools

[madeline7]

Welcome,
My family situation has finally come to the place I dreaded for years. My enabler Dad passed away , leaving a very needy uBPDm for me and my siblings to deal with. He was in his late 80's and so is Mom. In a way, it has been liberating, as I am no longer bullied into going along with her wishes as imposed on us by him. On the other hand, the buffer is gone and she of course expects us to stand in to take the place of her enabler. It has been a very challenging time for me. The part of the story I did not expect was that it left behind wreckage in the form of fractured relationships with my siblings. So I am basically painted black by the borderline, and one sibling no longer talks to me. I am slowly healing from the cumulative effects of a dysfunctional FOO, and detaching from my family, choosing time with my husband, kids, and wonderful friends. I did go to a T for a period of time and have found this board invaluable. To get back to your initial subject line, we all had to "wait it out" and when the you know what hit the fan, I got busy dealing with the new normal (and in my case, nothing is "normal" in my family!). It is a process, most importantly, take time to practice self care.