Extended silent treatment from Mom after ultimatums

[cedarview]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here; I just found this site today while scrolling through results related to having a parent with BPD. I am in my 40's and have a pretty happy and fulfilling life with my beautiful wife and children. I am also an only child and have only recently come to terms with the  fact that my Mom is suffering from undiagnosed BPD, likely related to a traumatic and abusive childhood. Unfortunately for me, when I was a child I bore a lot of emotional neglect and abuse and my Dad was either unwilling or unable to run interference for me. Once my wife came into the picture 10 years ago she realized immediately that all was not well but she held her tongue for a long time because we depended on my Mom for childcare and didn't want to "set her off". We even moved to be closer to my parents when we started our family; I wish I had some idea about what was happening because that is a decision I would have made differently now. As my Mom became more erratic in her behavior and kept on actively avoiding my wife and I, we knew there was a problem and my Mom was relieved of childcare duties. That was about 6 months ago but it seems like a decade. Since then it has been therapy, hours and hours of talking between my wife and I, and just trying somehow to make it work. My Mom is unable to process that she has done anything wrong.

Therapy has been helpful for me to come to grips with the fact that my Mom is unable to really love or respect me as a person. My wife and I are merely vessels that delivered grandchildren to my Mom; apart from that neither of us are very important to her. Sadly, even with that being the case she can't seem to alter her behavior enough for us to communicate like adults and that means no interactions with our kids either. Of course that is used as a weapon in that how could we deprive a poor old woman of "the loves of [her] life", her grandchildren? This from a woman who was literally unable to look me in the face and say that she loves me when we were in the therapist's office? To make matters worse she has apparently stopped seeing the therapist because sarc/ they just didn't have anything else to work on /end sarc.

I am just sick of feeling guilty, hurt, and responsible for the behavior of my grown adult Mom. Her BPD would have destroyed my life if I had let it. Thank God for my wife and her clear eyes.

[GreenRoad]

Hi cedarview,

I'm pretty new here myself and am a 30yo only child of an undiagnosed BPD mom. I have no children at this point and am actually pretty hesitant to start a family of my own due to issues with my mom. I can definitely identify with much of what you're saying, and I also have a very supportive husband that has been incredible through the roller coaster of dealing with my mom. I am currently receiving the silent treatment from her going on a month. The latest trigger to a rage from her was that I didn't invite her on family vacation with my in laws. During our last conversation she laid into me like always with the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), and I was able to stand up and say no to her. This of course set her off worse, and I've heard from relatives that she has told them I said she "makes me feel guilty". That is not what I said. I said I'm tired of guilt being used as a manipulation tool within our family, and I will not allow it to continue if she wants a relationship with me. I no longer feel guilty because I have gone out of my way to include her in my life, but it's never good enough as there's always a score card. She's threatened by the relationships I have with my father and my in laws and is constantly comparing how I treat them versus how I "treat" her. I've been going to therapy myself, and have lightly suggested perhaps my mom would benefit as well, but she has not done that to my knowledge.

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mom, and I know that the guilt, hurt, and responsibility you feel for your mom's behavior can be a huge weight to carry around. Just know that you're not alone, and there are lots of supportive people on this board that have gone through similar situations in their own families.

What ultimatums set off your mom's latest silent treatment and do you know what type of relationship would you like to have with your mom moving forward?

[zachira]

I admire your courage and the difficult decisions you have made. The borderline cannot deal with their own self hatred so they have to dump it on other people. It is so difficult to not feel terrible when you are mistreated by your mother, especially when you and your wife have gone out of your way to be kind to her. It sounds like at this point, you have done everything you can to mend the relationship with her, and you are trying to deal with the pain of being so mistreated by your mother. Clearly, you are a wonderful son, and would like to have a loving caring relationship with your mother which is not possible because of her mean behavior which affects you, your wife, and your children. Having been raised by a borderline mother and being the scapegoat of the family, I realize the hurt never goes away, yet it lessens with time as I realize that mom will never love me the way I would like, she will be mean to me for no apparent reason, and the best way to deal with the affect she has on me is to express my feelings to those who will truly listen and care, and to limit my contact with her. Let us know how we can help!

[cedarview]

Hi Zachira and StephDawn,

Thank you for responding to my post with your kind and understanding words. What set her off on the silent treatment this time? This time it was in response to an e-mail my wife and I composed and sent regarding my Mom spending time with our kids. After we had not spoken for a month she sent me a one sentence e-mail asking what was the status of her spending time with the kids. We wrote back that we wouldn't tolerate any pushiness, demands, insults, anger, guilt trips etc. and that we wanted to get together, just us "adults", and discuss moving forward. That was it! It was taken poorly, she flew into a rage (that's what my Dad said at least), and according to her the e-mail was proof that we hate her. That was more  than a month ago.

StephDawn you are only 30 and people have all sorts of reasons to decide if they want to have kids. As a parent of multiple kids, I can only say that they are a lot of work but provide endless joy to my wife and I. Don't let your Mom's sickness be the deciding factor in your having kids or not!

What kind of relationship do I want with my Mom? I want her to respect my wife and me as adults who make our own decisions, to be polite and civil with us even when she doesn't want to be, and to give support and caring to our kids. Notice I do not mention "Love", which is something we all need everyday, because I truly don't believe it is something she can provide. Just writing that makes me angry! I am angry at her parents, that they treated her the way that they did and helped her to become this negative shell of a human being.

Just talking (or writing) about all of this makes me feel like I am in a fictional book or something. I am past the denial stage but every now and then I find myself thinking that this can't be happening.

Are you still getting the silent treatment? Have you given up on trying to be the "adult" in the relationship?

Cview

[madeline7]

I am 60 and have an elderly uBPDm, and was in your position many years ago, and still, here I am. When I spoke with a geriatric case manager a few years back, she echoed 2 things that in my situation, are unfortunately true. 1. My Mother's personality will not change. 2. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I have siblings, and for me, it has not been a help. It has only charged an already emotionally charged family dynamic, adding to the drama triangle. When I set healthy limits, it enrages my Mom. When I say things in a compassionate and assertive manner, she twists and manipulates, and lies. She does whatever it takes to keep the crisis going. She only knows chaos. It is exhausting. I am slowly detaching from my FOO, my grown children are aware of the dysfunction, and are supportive of me. My husband is very chill and supportive. My circle of friends are more like chosen family. My point is that for me, setting limits did not make sense to my Mom, did not make her see the light and the error of her ways, did not make her reflect on her behavior and the consequences of her actions, setting limits was for me. I am the only one who has changed here. A very sobering but necessary realization. It took many years of denial, then hard work. And very grateful to this board as a sane place to keep coming back to. I wish you peace, sounds like you are definitely on the right path.

[cedarview]

Hi Madeline7,

Wow! I really needed some support this Monday. Thank you for your message it really hits home. I have often wondered as time goes on what the future will be like for my parents. My wife made another effort this weekend to send a kind and supportive e-mail to my mother, saying that we wanted to get in touch with her and talk about things, preferably with my mother's therapist. Boy did we get a whopper of a e-mail response last night from my mother. She hasn't seen her therapist since January because things are "all wrapped up". She's mad that instead of celebrating her progress we keep coming at her with complaints and criticisms. Amazing how everything is all about her each and every time. Vindictive, nasty and paranoid. Times like this make me wonder if my mother is actually having some sort of breakdown. Anyway, I guess we won't be seeing them at Easter needless to say.

That was all just last night. Monday morning came a little too early for me today! I am feeling a lot of loss right now for myself, my wife and my kids. It will be tough talking with them about how their grandparents don't want to speak with us and we don't know when that will change. I honestly am feeling so many different emotions right now. Part of me wants the closure of just giving up and starting plans to move away from the area while another part of me wants to stick it out. This is all very challenging.

I guess I have some thinking to do this morning!

[madeline7]

Hi Cedarview,
When my children were young, they idolized their grandparents, but my Dad was then around to make sure we were all walking on eggshells. Yet, they were very intuitive, esp. my daughter but she is also the older child. My son, the youngest, was a bit in denial, but now his eyes are wide open. He is a very kind and gentle soul, so harbors no hard feelings for his grandmother, but is aware that she is mentally unstable and is totally supportive of me., My daughter sees all, still loves her grandmother but is sick of the way she treats me, and has always been a very mature kid, and is not as tolerant of my Mother's outbursts. What I would say to you now is that I always did what was best for my kids, and they grew up seeing that I was such a good Mom to them, esp. in comparison to how my Mom is, and also knowing I did not have a role model. In conclusion, my Mom's behavior did not affect them adversely, it just made them more mature, more compassionate, and able to see what is good behavior (mine) and not good (hers). So no matter what you decide, you and your family will be fine, maybe even more than fine, with a unique perspective to model excellent behavior and really appreciate the good things in life. I do feel like I have a heavy burden, but my work now is on me (I cannot help her) and I am desperately working to put a positive spin on my situation. I am also about to be a grandmother and excited to watch my daughter be a terrific parent. I'm sure everyone here would agree that the world could use a few more terrific parents!

[zachira]

You talk about how a part of you wants to move away and another part of you wants to stick it out. It is normal and healthy to feel this way. I too have a mother who meets the criteria for BPD and am dealing with the heartbreak of the fact that I will never get the love and validation that one expects from a parent. It is hard to stop feeling sad and angry when your parent is still alive and she continues to mistreat you, your wife, and children, despite making every effort to have some kind of relationship with her. As for my own mother, I will feel terrible about the abuse that never stops until she dies, then I will likely grieve for quite a while the loss of never having a loving mother, and then I expect to feel better and move on. I admire how you have made a happy marriage, and you are a kind, caring father who puts his family first. It sounds like for right now, going low contact is not working as well as you had hoped, and as an only child, you do not feel comfortable not having any contact at all. All the choices on how to deal with such a painful situation are not ideal solutions, and hopefully, you can over time be less affected by how badly her behavior makes you and your family feel. Post here when you need to, and we are here to listen.