Am I worth it?

[DeeplInvalidated]

Hello,

This is my first time writing about this.

I am confused, alone, depressed, suicidal (ideation through fleeting thoughts), and deeply hopeless.

I have tried giving up relationships for the sake of feeling loved by my biological mother. When she is happy and supportive of me I feel like I finally belong in this world; but our relationship cycles between periods of enmeshed closeness, abandonment, and then isolation (mutual and extensively prolonged by my aversion to this cycle).

My father has been a depressed alcoholic most of my life; I became estranged from him and his extended family over a decade ago when I met my, now, husband; their racist motivation for opposing out courtship was the end-all and final straw--I felt so romantically in love with my husband--this new sense of validation in our relationship helped  solidify my identity at the tender age of 18.

I left home and moved to a new city. Never looked back--until now.

I am a stay at home mom to three children (all under the age of 5); I am still estranged from most of my family; I have not overcome childhood emotional trauma; I am diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety with Postnatal onset; I have acted out the pain within my marriage; now my husband thinks poorly of me and is unsupportive. 
I was an RN and cared for ICU and hemodialysis patients until June 2017.  I exclusively breastfeed my 7 month old daughter and homeschool my kindergartener; I also have a very vocal and emotionally attuned (to my moods) 3 year old.

Many times I wonder if I have BPD. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome DeeplInvalidated!   

Thank you so much for joining our family, and for sharing just a bit of your heart with us. You are safe here and among those who truly understand the pain that you have gone through. It is such a struggle to fight against the voices from our childhood. I know too well because my mom was an uBPD too. The enmeshment is horrible and eats you up until you don't know who you are or who you ever were. Is that how you often feel? You have the blessing of all those little babies/toddlers who need you now, and that is tiring in and by itself!   Please know you are not alone.   

It takes time to unlearn our past, the lessons we learned. It sounds as if you may be in T, am I correct? I am in T as well, and it has helped me to see that there really is life and sunshine as we heal. So many members have also wondered if they have BPD, but usually we have picked up the projections of our pwBPD. Here is a link for you:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Have you read any books yet about BPD? This one has been so very helpful and validating to me:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

You mentioned suicidal ideation. Have you ever shared this with anyone before?

I'm really looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[Insom]

Hello, DeeplInvalidated!   

Allow me to join Woolspinner2000 in welcoming you.   

One of the tough things about feeling depressed is the toll is takes on your self worth.  I hear you're at a low point but wanted to let you know I think it's great you took a step toward healing by reaching out here.  We're here to listen!  Hugs.     And like Woolspinner said, you are not alone. 

I hear you have a lot on your plate with three kiddos at home.  Is there anyone in your family you're thinking about reaching out to?

[Panda39]

Hi DeeplInvalidated,

  Welcome 

To answer your question Yes, you are most definitely worth it!   

I hear the depression and know from experience how hard and exhausting it is.  I'm glad to hear that you are receiving therapy and are working through it.

What I hear in your post is how many people you are taking care of, you are taking care of a lot of people in your job and at home.  What are you doing to take care of you?  It is important to recharge your own batteries. To use an analogy... .when we are on an airplane and the flight attendant gives her oxygen mask speech, we are told to put our mask on first before helping someone else get their on, why? Because if we wait and try to help someone else the two of us will pass out.

It is important that you put your mask on... .take care of you, so you can be your best to take care of everyone else.  Is there something you can do today that is for you? That gives you a break?

Take Care,
Panda39