Instagram Behavior and No Empathy

[Marie1971]

Hello All,

I've been married 5 years to an BPD/NPD male and we have a blended family.  Recently I found out he had deleted all pictures of me off of his Instagram account a couple months ago when we were in a fight.  Scrolling through I found he followed and "liked" many pictures of sexy women.  I also found a private message to a woman asking her to meet up to go fishing (this is a person he met once who is a very attractive young fishing guide).  He claims it's all "innocent" and that I am being "jealous".  However, he has plenty of people to go fishing with... .why reach out to a young hot blond he barely knows that he met on a fishing trip?  His social profile appears to be that of a single male. It feels humiliating.

Also, he FREAKS when I have a conversation with a male that I seem to be enjoying - even if its a mutual friend in our own house.  I know he would divorce me if he found the same message on my account.

I am very frustrated as he can't seem to act sorry or even understand that this feels like a betrayal.  He said he will "stay away" if I am mad and has no tolerance of my frustration.

Considering his disorder, is he capable of putting himself in my shoes?  Seeing how bad this looks and recognizing it feels like a betrayal to me?  He keeps saying, "You want me to grovel, I won't grovel"... .but that's not true.  I do want him to BE sorry and ACT sorry... .but I can't make him.

Also, if I just happened upon this... .I feel it's likely this isn't a single incident.  Looking for opinions on BPD/NPDs ability to ADMIT wrongs, show empathy, and trends re: faithfulness, secrets, etc.

THANKS so much for your thoughts.

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[Tattered Heart]

HI Marie,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so betrayed by your H. Is he still engaging in this behavior? I think pwBPD are perfectly capable of being empathetic towards others, but before they can get there they cannot feel their own shame or rejection. They will try to protect themselves from feeling shame, guilt, or rejection first and above all.

What did the conversation look like when you asked him about the instagram profiles? Was it accusatory or full of a lot of emotions like anger? I can understand if it did but that may also have contributed to his digging in his heels about the issue.

[Marie1971]

Thanks for your reply Tattered Heart.

When I approached him about the Instagram message, I made sure I was gentle and non-accusatory.  I showed him the message and said I wanted to talk about it because I felt confused.  He said a couple sentences about how he knew her but quickly become angry and started in on accusing me of things from 7 years ago.  It was really frustrating because he brought up this person we both talked to on vacation a long time ago and whom I've never spoken to since; but yet he kept trying to get off topic of his inappropriate message and accuse me of "probably" contacting a person whom we both met 7 years ago.  I had never known he thought I was attracted to this guy (which I wasn't).  But the really frustrating part was that it took me TWO days to actually get him OFF of accusing ME of some made up attraction which I didn't have. 

I interpreted his huge defensive reaction as a sign that he was, in fact, guilty of hoping for more from this women he asked to meet.  But he never admitted to that.   

[L_london]

Hello Marie!
I feel for you, as I am going trough something similar! I found pretty nasty emails on mu bwBPD in his account. Those emails are directed fo men for paid performance. Now, after investigating a bit more and confronting him, I don’t think (genuinely) that he would go trough with that. I believe from his answers to thise emails that he’s having this “game” online. Yes there were pictures, but of other people. I don’t know what is doing exactly... .but I know the feeling of being betrayed. When I talked to him about cheating (I couldn’t say that I peaked at his emails), I asked questions, quite specific, and shared my fears. He reacted calmly and reassuring, which made me think he hasn’t done anything.
Still, of course what i saw still plays in my head. What I mean to say, is just that I think that they like to keep a private/secret part in their life. Sometimes it might be a bit twisted, but not necessarily will turn into action (I hope) .
I also think that they like to feel they can be many people (like they choosing a character to play) and sometimes they can play at be someone they are not, but probably is just a secret game. So your H might be playing at being single online, but maybe is more like what it could be a version of himself IF he was single?
That’s what I think, but still it feels disturbing... .
I hope this can be helpful in some way!

[Calmcollected]

Mine does this too. Talks to women online, makes up a life that doesn’t exist. He doesn’t meet them. Spins a tale of the things he has, a farm he’s going to buy and raise horses but doesn’t have the money. I was reading somewhere that some BPd’s will have emotional affairs because it fills them up inside with the adoration they receive. He can’t even meet these women because the real him would have to appear. I think they need the fantasy. Some men are into porn. Mine is not. It’s almost like this is his release.