Ending an Affair

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sigh... .I have no idea how to say how deeply I loved this person, more or less from the first time I met her. We were in high school and we met at a summer camp. We lived far from each other and so we corresponded by letters for a couple of years, both writing when we could. By the time I had the courage to tell her, she was with someone. I told her anyway, and maybe truly she said that I didn't know what love was. Many years later, I find myself questioning whether she was right. At the time I didn't think so. I cut off all communication with her, and we didn't speak again until two years ago.

She found me through facebook, and began to catch up. Truthfully I had forgotten exactly how we had lost touch. I mostly remembered that she had told me once "Never let anyone tell you who you are." More importantly "Never let anyone tell you you don't know who you are." Both were things that guided me, I thought of her as a hero of sorts, and told her so when we began talking again.

We fell in love quickly. She had every letter I had ever written, had never stopped looking for me. I felt like heaven had opened up, and sent me the love I had looked for, all of my life. All of all my lives if that's a thing. The things we shared with each other, had in common... .I have never been so honest with another human being, or felt so accepted and loved. Not that we had everything in common. In fact we were opposites in many, many ways. But in ways that seemed to complement each other, though they were challenging. We talked about everything, dreamed of so many things, I wanted to be with her with all of my heart. Some moments, I still do.

I didn't want it to be an affair... .she said that sex was the only way she could feel love. Said that if I denied her of it, she didn't know if she would be able to take it. She that it turned her into something unrecognizable to herself. I wanted so much to be loved too. She made it seem like I was uncaring, that I didn't understand how it was for her, that I couldn't understand. That was the beginning of learning that I don't have healthy boundaries. I caved. At first, sex was omnipresent. At the same time she would sometimes send me texts that said she was crying, and didn't know why. Everything seemed a burden, her job, her marriage, her children... .I wanted to heal every wound, no matter how slight. I promised I would. I promised I would never leave, told her I understood that she couldn't leave her marriage right away. At first, it was like I was magical. Like every thing I did delighted her, every talent was a gift that I musn't squander, every word I said made her want to jump into my arms. She couldn't bear not to talk to me, all day, every day. She even scolded me for not texting enough. Said she needed to hear that she was loved, even if it was just a little heart emoji. It was so little to ask, she said. I had a weekly get-together with friends that would last the evening. That was too long. It was a waste of time. I needed to wear my hair a certain way, needed new clothes, needed to keep the house cleaner... .it was a long list, but why would I not do these things if I loved her and knew they would make her happy? She came home from a stressful job to what I was told was a thankless home where another job awaited. I wanted to do whatever I could to make her happy. It was actually on a goal card. Top of the list. I wanted to make her the happiest woman in the world. I looked at it each morning. I told myself I needed to grow up a little was all. That wasn't all wrong. I wasn't a superman and I'm not a quick learner, but I applied myself and tried. I had a list of things she liked, I kept track of even small things, because she often was depressed, or seemed distant or despondent now. I tried not to take it personally. I knew that some things had happened to her when she was a child, very young. At the time, I was sure she said she was raped at age 6. She says now that she has never in her life used that word to describe it. Regardless, she was sexually active way before she should have been. I was too. I know that it ___s you up, that much was easy to understand. I knew what it was like to have a hole in you, that can't be filled. She was so distant at times... .nothing I said could be caring, she would start arguments about nothing, over trivial things, it was usually my fault, in the moment. I didn't understand her. I would assure her over and over again that I loved her. "Trust my heart" I would say. I would tell her to listen to my heart, remember my heart, you know me. You know I love you. I don't understand what's going on... .it would take days sometimes to pull her out of it. It was like she didn't recognize me anymore. Then just as suddenly, she would snap out of it. Either I would concede that I had maybe grown frustrated, and escalated things when I could have been more patient, or she would apologize profusely and tell me how I was the only thing that mattered to her. It went on like that for a long time.

Until it was a year later. There were obstacles in our way, but I was tackling them on my end. My house needed renovation to house a family, and I got to it. We designed the master bedroom together in the little time we had... .but on her end there was nothing. She never brought it up. Finally in a fight, I got angry and threw it at her, asking if she was still too chicken___ to be with me. She thought about it for a day, and then said she was sorry, that she had been afraid but that she had been making progress I didn't know about. She told me about it, and that she would keep working towards our future. She just had little hearts to protect. Of course, I wanted to too. I had seen so many pictures of them, thought of what kind of father I would be... .sigh... .I know how pathetic and false this sounds, that a person like me could be any kind of role model. (tears)

It went on, the fights, even a breakup, but we held fast to each other. But she became cold and distant again. I searched harder for what I could do, tried not to take it personally when she didn't seem to care. She told me that she had a job offer, back home, near her folks, near her family. Talked about how living near them had been the best years of her life, that she missed the support. I thought about it, and wrote her a simple note telling her not to worry. My house was just a house. She was my home. I was looking for a job when I found this one. If she had to go, I would pack up my things and follow as soon as I could. If this was what she needed, she was worth the sacrifice. She had already done the same thing, for me. Moved her whole family to be near enough to see each other.

No response from her. She asked if it was okay if we just talked about it later. I was a little crestfallen, but I said okay. A month went by and she was talking to me less and less, often monosyllabic replies, still always there, but not there, at the same time. I told myself to be patient. On Valentine's day she couldn't get away, and I always understood the realities of our relationship, I never questioned. But then I asked her if she would marry me. I had asked her countless times before. She had too. Always the answer "Yes. But never stop asking me" But this time, she just said she loved me. I was hurt, but I didn't press it. I was fearful, but I knew I had my own issues and thought I was likely making too much of it. After three days or so, though, I had to know. I brought it up, that it had hurt that she didn't say yes. She casually replied "I didn't say yes?" I told her what she had said. She said "Well I do" and went to bed. She falls asleep fast, sometimes in the middle of conversation, so I didn't make much of it. But when I woke up the next day, I couldn't take it anymore. She had flipped a switch again, all eager. I woke up to several texts, all sunshine-y as could be, You're the heart of my heart, I hope you feel so loved this morning... .I just couldn't pretend things were alright anymore, and told her not to talk to me. This was something she had never been able to do- it had been the one thing I needed from her, many times, but she could never do. It was the one thing that was unbearable for her. If I knew how much it hurt, I wouldn't ask it of her. I was hungover, I had drank myself to sleep the last night, had been drinking myself to sleep for a couple of weeks. She had told me cryptically that she had been drinking heavily, but wouldn't tell me why, or admit it was a problem. Even though she had verbally abused me while drunk and had to apologize the next day. Then, hours later, she said she was drunk again. I didn't know how else to connect with her, make her feel like she wasn't alone. So I drank too. and then found myself in the same position, having to make apologies. I had forgiven her when she asked for it, so I hoped she would understand that I was hungover in the morning and leave it at that. She stewed on it for hours, and finally told me she was pissed. I admitted I was too. I asked her to let it go, but she wouldn't. I just interrupted her and told her there were things I needed from her. All things which she had asked of me. Talk to me, tell me you love me for no reason, tell me what you're thinking about. I shouldn't have to badger you to get two words out of you. This conversation is the most animated you've been in a week, and it sucks that you only talk to me if you're pissed off. And if I ask you to marry me, say yes for christ sakes, if you intend to. I love you, but you're sucking at all these things, and you can do better.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

I had been waiting for it. Dreading it, but waiting. She had been so far away for so long. She told me she loved me, but had to let me go. She couldn't leave her husband. She had tried, but the divorce lawyer had been a shock to her system. She could lose the kids. She couldn't be selfish.

I wept for days. I ended it as gracefully as I could, telling her that we shouldn't talk, for a long time. She agreed, but said she wasn't ready, just yet. I held on. It broke my heart but I held on. I believed she was doing something brave, finally choosing to put her kids, her husband, and me first. Being brave enough to let me go, so that we could be together for real. She was finally taking the steps she needed to, to seek a divorce for real. To know that she had made the decision on her own. I was hurt, I didn't know if it would work, but I was so proud of her. I never thought she would be able to.

After a few days, she asked if I would save some space in my heart for her. She still shared all those dreams, and the way she had been treating me, she was just ashamed. Ashamed that she couldn't leave when she had promised she would. I told her that the future wasn't promised to anyone. I thought it was important, and prudent. If she was going to make a clear decision on her own, to leave her marriage, she had to make the decision that it was better to be alone, not to be with me. She had made it clear to me that she wanted to know she did it for her own reasons, so she couldn't blame me later. I respected that, and figured she was just having a weak moment. She asked again, tearfully, if I wouldn't wait for her. I had already done that dance, earlier in life. I wasted twelve years. I told her she would have to cross that bridge when she came to it.

Within a day, the entire narrative had changed. She hadn't wanted to break up with me, I had misunderstood, etc, I needed to talk to her, listen to her heart. I did, but I told her I wasn't willing to have an affair anymore. Again, that wasn't possible. She just couldn't do it, knowing that the man who loved her couldn't touch her. I could see the disgust on her face. Disgust that she was so wretched that I couldn't hold her. But I had finally had enough of hearing what she needed, and how I couldn't have what I needed. We argued for days, I told her every sane reason for why we couldn't go on the way we had, that I couldn't live with it anymore. That someone had to look out for the children, and that was us. No one else knew, no one else could. She told me I was being self righteous, and that the kids weren't my concern. What she was doing, not leaving, she was taking care of them. I told her I just couldn't. I couldn't. Not anymore. She wouldn't listen, and finally I told her that I needed to heal. Continuing to talk wasn't helping, we were both hurting more. I told her I would talk to her in June. Three months.

She said she would never talk to me again, and blocked me. I didn't have the heart to do the same. I knew she was impulsive, and in pain. The next day she apologized and begged me to reconsider, said that she never imagined that filing for divorce would mean losing me forever. Said so many hurtful things... .I really can't bear to repeat them. Some I think I have blocked from memory.

And that was when it clicked. That the relationship was abusive, a ___ty dream that I had wanted to believe in so much that I refused to see anything else. That it actually wasn't healthy, for either of us, and that it likely never would be. I realized that I was the one who thought it could never happen to me, just like the stories. And that she would need years of therapy, and I would too, and in the meantime, we could only hurt each other, over and over again.

She came knocking at my door Sunday, was there for half an hour, insisting she wouldn't go away, texting me until I blocked her. Today I found a note. This part is verbatim.

"Please just speak to me so I can have some peace. You were right when you said my heart was on fire and screaming, and it still is. But that fire is in my head now and I can't stop it. My thoughts are out of control and I'm terrified of where they are going. I haven't slept or eaten in days and my brain is racing at such a furious pace and is filled with such repulsive thoughts. I've thought of every way imaginable to make it stop. I'm afraid I could harm myself if this goes on. Who else can I reach out to? And knowing that trying may only make things worse is making me feel sicker. I don't want to make you feel bad. I don't want to change your mind. I don't want to disrespect you. I just need some resolve.

I know that you feel this silence is what you need, I do want to respect that. I want to do everything to give you what you need. I still want to take care of your heart. I'm begging you to try to take care of mine, too. I need to dampen these flames before I burn to ashes. Just please help me and I will do my best to honor whatever it is that you want.

Then she listed a song that she wanted me to listen to. She's viciously good at finding a song to say what she wants to. (tears)

Now I know, someone who threatens to hurt themself cannot take care of my heart. I've seen that. Seen that the only thing I need cannot conflict with what she wants. I know I cannot continue the relationship, probably ever. But I don't want to endanger her with my silence. Obviously, the situation is complicated. Should I be referring her to help somehow? I have already told her that she needs counseling, in the kindest way that I could. She's stubborn as hell, I doubt she'll go and I know that's not the help she wants right now.

It hurts, so much. I knew it would. I knew there was pain in the envelope. Told myself that if I opened it I was taking that pain on, willingly. I think I wanted to suffer, to pay for the wrongs I've done to her family. I think I will seek pain for a long time. (tears)

[sameday]

Sigh... .I have no idea how to say how deeply I loved this person, more or less from the first time I met her. We were in high school and we met at a summer camp. We lived far from each other and so we corresponded by letters for a couple of years, both writing when we could. By the time I had the courage to tell her, she was with someone. I told her anyway, and maybe truly she said that I didn't know what love was. Many years later, I find myself questioning whether she was right. At the time I didn't think so. I cut off all communication with her, and we didn't speak again until two years ago.

She found me through facebook, and began to catch up. Truthfully I had forgotten exactly how we had lost touch. I mostly remembered that she had told me once "Never let anyone tell you who you are." More importantly "Never let anyone tell you you don't know who you are." Both were things that guided me, I thought of her as a hero of sorts, and told her so when we began talking again.

We fell in love quickly. She had every letter I had ever written, had never stopped looking for me. I felt like heaven had opened up, and sent me the love I had looked for, all of my life. All of all my lives if that's a thing. The things we shared with each other, had in common... .I have never been so honest with another human being, or felt so accepted and loved. Not that we had everything in common. In fact we were opposites in many, many ways. But in ways that seemed to complement each other, though they were challenging. We talked about everything, dreamed of so many things, I wanted to be with her with all of my heart. Some moments, I still do.

I didn't want it to be an affair... .she said that sex was the only way she could feel love. Said that if I denied her of it, she didn't know if she would be able to take it. She that it turned her into something unrecognizable to herself. I wanted so much to be loved too. She made it seem like I was uncaring, that I didn't understand how it was for her, that I couldn't understand. That was the beginning of learning that I don't have healthy boundaries. I caved. At first, sex was omnipresent. At the same time she would sometimes send me texts that said she was crying, and didn't know why. Everything seemed a burden, her job, her marriage, her children... .I wanted to heal every wound, no matter how slight. I promised I would. I promised I would never leave, told her I understood that she couldn't leave her marriage right away. At first, it was like I was magical. Like every thing I did delighted her, every talent was a gift that I musn't squander, every word I said made her want to jump into my arms. She couldn't bear not to talk to me, all day, every day. She even scolded me for not texting enough. Said she needed to hear that she was loved, even if it was just a little heart emoji. It was so little to ask, she said. I had a weekly get-together with friends that would last the evening. That was too long. It was a waste of time. I needed to wear my hair a certain way, needed new clothes, needed to keep the house cleaner... .it was a long list, but why would I not do these things if I loved her and knew they would make her happy? She came home from a stressful job to what I was told was a thankless home where another job awaited. I wanted to do whatever I could to make her happy. It was actually on a goal card. Top of the list. I wanted to make her the happiest woman in the world. I looked at it each morning. I told myself I needed to grow up a little was all. That wasn't all wrong. I wasn't a superman and I'm not a quick learner, but I applied myself and tried. I had a list of things she liked, I kept track of even small things, because she often was depressed, or seemed distant or despondent now. I tried not to take it personally. I knew that some things had happened to her when she was a child, very young. At the time, I was sure she said she was raped at age 6. She says now that she has never in her life used that word to describe it. Regardless, she was sexually active way before she should have been. I was too. I know that it ___s you up, that much was easy to understand. I knew what it was like to have a hole in you, that can't be filled. She was so distant at times... .nothing I said could be caring, she would start arguments about nothing, over trivial things, it was usually my fault, in the moment. I didn't understand her. I would assure her over and over again that I loved her. "Trust my heart" I would say. I would tell her to listen to my heart, remember my heart, you know me. You know I love you. I don't understand what's going on... .it would take days sometimes to pull her out of it. It was like she didn't recognize me anymore. Then just as suddenly, she would snap out of it. Either I would concede that I had maybe grown frustrated, and escalated things when I could have been more patient, or she would apologize profusely and tell me how I was the only thing that mattered to her. It went on like that for a long time.

Until it was a year later. There were obstacles in our way, but I was tackling them on my end. My house needed renovation to house a family, and I got to it. We designed the master bedroom together in the little time we had... .but on her end there was nothing. She never brought it up. Finally in a fight, I got angry and threw it at her, asking if she was still too chicken___ to be with me. She thought about it for a day, and then said she was sorry, that she had been afraid but that she had been making progress I didn't know about. She told me about it, and that she would keep working towards our future. She just had little hearts to protect. Of course, I wanted to too. I had seen so many pictures of them, thought of what kind of father I would be... .sigh... .I know how pathetic and false this sounds, that a person like me could be any kind of role model. (tears)

It went on, the fights, even a breakup, but we held fast to each other. But she became cold and distant again. I searched harder for what I could do, tried not to take it personally when she didn't seem to care. She told me that she had a job offer, back home, near her folks, near her family. Talked about how living near them had been the best years of her life, that she missed the support. I thought about it, and wrote her a simple note telling her not to worry. My house was just a house. She was my home. I was looking for a job when I found this one. If she had to go, I would pack up my things and follow as soon as I could. If this was what she needed, she was worth the sacrifice. She had already done the same thing, for me. Moved her whole family to be near enough to see each other.

No response from her. She asked if it was okay if we just talked about it later. I was a little crestfallen, but I said okay. A month went by and she was talking to me less and less, often monosyllabic replies, still always there, but not there, at the same time. I told myself to be patient. On Valentine's day she couldn't get away, and I always understood the realities of our relationship, I never questioned. But then I asked her if she would marry me. I had asked her countless times before. She had too. Always the answer "Yes. But never stop asking me" But this time, she just said she loved me. I was hurt, but I didn't press it. I was fearful, but I knew I had my own issues and thought I was likely making too much of it. After three days or so, though, I had to know. I brought it up, that it had hurt that she didn't say yes. She casually replied "I didn't say yes?" I told her what she had said. She said "Well I do" and went to bed. She falls asleep fast, sometimes in the middle of conversation, so I didn't make much of it. But when I woke up the next day, I couldn't take it anymore. She had flipped a switch again, all eager. I woke up to several texts, all sunshine-y as could be, You're the heart of my heart, I hope you feel so loved this morning... .I just couldn't pretend things were alright anymore, and told her not to talk to me. This was something she had never been able to do- it had been the one thing I needed from her, many times, but she could never do. It was the one thing that was unbearable for her. If I knew how much it hurt, I wouldn't ask it of her. I was hungover, I had drank myself to sleep the last night, had been drinking myself to sleep for a couple of weeks. She had told me cryptically that she had been drinking heavily, but wouldn't tell me why, or admit it was a problem. Even though she had verbally abused me while drunk and had to apologize the next day. Then, hours later, she said she was drunk again. I didn't know how else to connect with her, make her feel like she wasn't alone. So I drank too. and then found myself in the same position, having to make apologies. I had forgiven her when she asked for it, so I hoped she would understand that I was hungover in the morning and leave it at that. She stewed on it for hours, and finally told me she was pissed. I admitted I was too. I asked her to let it go, but she wouldn't. I just interrupted her and told her there were things I needed from her. All things which she had asked of me. Talk to me, tell me you love me for no reason, tell me what you're thinking about. I shouldn't have to badger you to get two words out of you. This conversation is the most animated you've been in a week, and it sucks that you only talk to me if you're pissed off. And if I ask you to marry me, say yes for christ sakes, if you intend to. I love you, but you're sucking at all these things, and you can do better.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

I had been waiting for it. Dreading it, but waiting. She had been so far away for so long. She told me she loved me, but had to let me go. She couldn't leave her husband. She had tried, but the divorce lawyer had been a shock to her system. She could lose the kids. She couldn't be selfish.

I wept for days. I ended it as gracefully as I could, telling her that we shouldn't talk, for a long time. She agreed, but said she wasn't ready, just yet. I held on. It broke my heart but I held on. I believed she was doing something brave, finally choosing to put her kids, her husband, and me first. Being brave enough to let me go, so that we could be together for real. She was finally taking the steps she needed to, to seek a divorce for real. To know that she had made the decision on her own. I was hurt, I didn't know if it would work, but I was so proud of her. I never thought she would be able to.

After a few days, she asked if I would save some space in my heart for her. She still shared all those dreams, and the way she had been treating me, she was just ashamed. Ashamed that she couldn't leave when she had promised she would. I told her that the future wasn't promised to anyone. I thought it was important, and prudent. If she was going to make a clear decision on her own, to leave her marriage, she had to make the decision that it was better to be alone, not to be with me. She had made it clear to me that she wanted to know she did it for her own reasons, so she couldn't blame me later. I respected that, and figured she was just having a weak moment. She asked again, tearfully, if I wouldn't wait for her. I had already done that dance, earlier in life. I wasted twelve years. I told her she would have to cross that bridge when she came to it.

Within a day, the entire narrative had changed. She hadn't wanted to break up with me, I had misunderstood, etc, I needed to talk to her, listen to her heart. I did, but I told her I wasn't willing to have an affair anymore. Again, that wasn't possible. She just couldn't do it, knowing that the man who loved her couldn't touch her. I could see the disgust on her face. Disgust that she was so wretched that I couldn't hold her. But I had finally had enough of hearing what she needed, and how I couldn't have what I needed. We argued for days, I told her every sane reason for why we couldn't go on the way we had, that I couldn't live with it anymore. That someone had to look out for the children, and that was us. No one else knew, no one else could. She told me I was being self righteous, and that the kids weren't my concern. What she was doing, not leaving, she was taking care of them. I told her I just couldn't. I couldn't. Not anymore. She wouldn't listen, and finally I told her that I needed to heal. Continuing to talk wasn't helping, we were both hurting more. I told her I would talk to her in June. Three months.

She said she would never talk to me again, and blocked me. I didn't have the heart to do the same. I knew she was impulsive, and in pain. The next day she apologized and begged me to reconsider, said that she never imagined that filing for divorce would mean losing me forever. Said so many hurtful things... .I really can't bear to repeat them. Some I think I have blocked from memory.

And that was when it clicked. That the relationship was abusive, a ___ty dream that I had wanted to believe in so much that I refused to see anything else. That it actually wasn't healthy, for either of us, and that it likely never would be. I realized that I was the one who thought it could never happen to me, just like the stories. And that she would need years of therapy, and I would too, and in the meantime, we could only hurt each other, over and over again.

She came knocking at my door Sunday, was there for half an hour, insisting she wouldn't go away, texting me until I blocked her. Today I found a note. This part is verbatim.

"Please just speak to me so I can have some peace. You were right when you said my heart was on fire and screaming, and it still is. But that fire is in my head now and I can't stop it. My thoughts are out of control and I'm terrified of where they are going. I haven't slept or eaten in days and my brain is racing at such a furious pace and is filled with such repulsive thoughts. I've thought of every way imaginable to make it stop. I'm afraid I could harm myself if this goes on. Who else can I reach out to? And knowing that trying may only make things worse is making me feel sicker. I don't want to make you feel bad. I don't want to change your mind. I don't want to disrespect you. I just need some resolve.

I know that you feel this silence is what you need, I do want to respect that. I want to do everything to give you what you need. I still want to take care of your heart. I'm begging you to try to take care of mine, too. I need to dampen these flames before I burn to ashes. Just please help me and I will do my best to honor whatever it is that you want.

Then she listed a song that she wanted me to listen to. She's viciously good at finding a song to say what she wants to. (tears)

Now I know, someone who threatens to hurt themself cannot take care of my heart. I've seen that. Seen that the only thing I need cannot conflict with what she wants. I know I cannot continue the relationship, probably ever. But I don't want to endanger her with my silence. Obviously, the situation is complicated. Should I be referring her to help somehow? I have already told her that she needs counseling, in the kindest way that I could. She's stubborn as hell, I doubt she'll go and I know that's not the help she wants right now.

It hurts, so much. I knew it would. I knew there was pain in the envelope. Told myself that if I opened it I was taking that pain on, willingly. I think I wanted to suffer, to pay for the wrongs I've done to her family. I think I will seek pain for a long time. (tears)

[sameday]

Also, I apologize that this post is apparently in the wrong forum. :/ I was really distraught when I posted, I'm worried about her safety

If this post can be moved, that might be appropriate.

[Mutt]

Hi sameday,



Id Lille to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time you have a break up and you’re probably feeling a lot of guilt.

A r/s takes two people and the feeling that I get from your post is that you’re putting this all on yourself. Sometimes when there is a lot of pressure in a r/s one person make seek out another one to relieve that pressure ( triangulation ) and if she was facing divorce then there was a lot going on in her marriage that wasn’t good. The problems that were in her marriage was there before she found you.

A r/s with a pwBPD is emotionally intense when they’re bearing down on you and the intensity can feel like you’re soul mates well you know that I’m preaching to the choir here.

I can understand your guilty feelings but go easy on yourself you mentioned boundaries. Take what you own from the r/s and reject her part you don’t have to put everything squarely on your shoulders. Do some self reflection there are a lot of lessons that you can learn from these r/s that can bring real change in your life.

As I understand it you said that you didn’t want to speak to her for three months?

[sameday]

Thank you for responding to me. I feel like it's selfish of me to even ask for help.

In answer to your question, Yes. She has never gone more than 2 days without speaking with me since we began talking again. I thought it would need to be much longer for either of us to be in better shape, honestly, but I knew that asking more time, even as much as I did, would cause a strong reaction and a lot of pain.

[SunandMoon]

Sameday, I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It must have been very painful to write that post and to make the decision to stop the affair.

I think three months of silence is a reasonable request to let yourself heal, at least from the immediate pain.

Threats of self harm are worrying but, unless she has done so in the past, you are probably better off sticking to your boundaries and taking the time that you need to get past this crisis. She may not want to do it but it is a wise move for both of you, as I'm sure you know.

Giving into her demand not only prolongs the pain but also sets a poor precedent for manipulation in the future. And, after all, she does have a husband to watch her.

I hope you will take some time now for yourself. It's very sad... .be kind to yourself.

[sameday]

I made that same decision after weighing the facts. I was very conflicted... .even though I remembered she has never self harmed before, I still had nightmares the first two nights. Imagined a death certificate taped to my door, a confused call from her family who says she asked them to call me to find out why she died... .

Some moments, I see the situation objectively, and know I have to stop. Sometimes. It reminds me of recovering from addiction to pain medications earlier in my life. I am trying to educate myself about BPD, and also figure out why I'm imbalanced too. The emotions are so strong, sometimes. I understand that emotional reasoning got her and I into this in the first place, and I'm trying to not repeat mistakes for both of our sakes.

For those that are married to someone suffering from BPD, my heart is broken and truly humbled by you. The way that she describes him, I understand more now... .(tears) he must be very strong to weather these storms for so long. She says he is unemotional, now having educated myself a little I can't help but see that he may have read the same things, long ago, learning to cope and support her. Maybe I will understand one day, how my heart could have been so wrong. To be blind that what I felt was not justification for what I did.

The tangled knot of pity, pain, fear, and care... .I'm sure I don't see clearly what it's like to suffer from BPD, but I know what it is to do something you shouldn't, know that you shouldn't, because your heart twists your world into something that others can't understand. To face the fact that your heart is a bad captain that can't read the wind. 

[SunandMoon]

Don't be too hard on yourself, sameday. You say you have loved her since school. She came looking for you. She had kept all your letters. It must have felt like your prayers had been answered... .

At first, it was like I was magical. Like every thing I did delighted her, every talent was a gift that I musn't squander, every word I said made her want to jump into my arms. She couldn't bear not to talk to me, all day, every day. 

This is "love bombing" - a BPD specialty. One of the reasons we fall so hard and fast for pwBPD. How can we resist?

In many ways, pwBPD are sirens and you are by no means the first to have your heart dashed upon the rocks... .nor will you be the last.

The way that she describes him, I understand more now... .(tears) he must be very strong to weather these storms for so long. She says he is unemotional, now having educated myself a little I can't help but see that he may have read the same things, long ago, learning to cope and support her.

Yes, I thought the same thing myself. I have been with my husband for 12 years now and those of us who choose to stay work very hard to make our marriages work.

But in truth, you weren't to know. You must have thought it was destiny that you should be together when she came seeking you. You did think you were working toward a future together and that she was going to divorce.

Know also that it is very common for pwBPD to not want to completely sever a relationship when it breaks up. They often like to keep a 'spare' waiting in the wings. That way, if things don't work out, they have 'another' to run to.

There's a lot for you to ponder. Don't waste your time beating yourself up. People and situations come into our lives as opportunities for learning. As you have already recognised, this is an opportunity to "... .figure out why I am unbalanced too".