New Here—I am at my wits end and it is causing trouble in our marriage.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I think my daughter-in-law is BPD. My husband and her husband are the enablers. My husband still, after almost 4 years of this, pushes me to bend over backwards to make her feel comfortable in our family. Nothing, however, is good enough and she takes every opportunity to find fault in whatever we do. I have given up and would rather simply tell her if she cannot act like a grownup and stop picking on me ( and others in our family), then she needs to go her own way.
 I am at my wits end and it is causing trouble in our marriage.

[Mommy su]

I think my daughter-in-law is BPD. My husband and her husband are the enablers. My husband still, after almost 4 years of this, pushes me to bend over backwards to make her feel comfortable in our family. Nothing, however, is good enough and she takes every opportunity to find fault in whatever we do. I have given up and would rather simply tell her if she cannot act like a grownup and stop picking on me ( and others in our family), then she needs to go her own way.
 I am at my wits end and it is causing trouble in our marriage.

[bluek9]

Hi Mommy Su, welcome to this board. I'm sorry that you are struggling in this way. Your situation sounds very frustrating. There can often be bumps in the road when a new person enters our family circle. One would think that after 4 years some kind of compromise could be found, doesn't sound like that for you. It also sounds hard for you due to your husband enabling things. When spouses aren't working together around family issues they tend to get more complicated.
    Have you learned anything about BPD? I'm curious as to why you think this may be the issue with her. Take a look around the boards, do some reading-----> lessons to the right, watch some videos, see if this is really what you're experiencing with her. Please feel comfortable about posting and sharing when you're ready. Everybody here is very supportive. Hope to hear from you again.

[Turkish]

Hi Mommy su,

I'd like to join bluek9 in welcoming you here.

I'd be frustrated if my spouse weren't supporting me in a similar situation.   

Do you feel that you are more of a target than your H? How does she find fault with you,  how does that develop,  specifically?

[Mommy su]

We are now all targets... .She had a meltdown last night (fueled by alcohol) and went on a tirade of texts to my other DIL (who is also a target probably the main target) and is now saying that she and her husband are moving away. She is accusing my husband of treating our other son better, blah blah blah... .
Her husband, also our son, is not equipped to deal with this mess. He is a great loving person, awesome dad, but just not complicated and available for these type problems (I am not sure anyone is)

She won't go to counseling according to our son because she knows what they are going to say since" she majored in psychology in college... ." she is also drinkikng every night and he attributes this to the problem... .
What to do?

[ijustwantpeace]

We are now all targets... .She had a meltdown last night (fueled by alcohol) and went on a tirade of texts to my other DIL (who is also a target probably the main target) and is now saying that she and her husband are moving away. She is accusing my husband of treating our other son better, blah blah blah... .
Her husband, also our son, is not equipped to deal with this mess. He is a great loving person, awesome dad, but just not complicated and available for these type problems (I am not sure anyone is)

She won't go to counseling according to our son because she knows what they are going to say since" she majored in psychology in college... ." she is also drinkikng every night and he attributes this to the problem... .
What to do?

I am very sorry for your trouble. Advice giving, constant criticizing, and controlling behaviors are definetely symptoms of a personality disorder.

As far as your part. 

1. Keep your marriage intact.  (If you don't the dysfunction only grows and spreads)

2. Acknowledge that she is incapable of acting like an adult.  (It is said BPD people are frozen at the age of their injury.  Usually very young).

3. Develop a strategy to deal with her.  Pacify her by letting her thing she is right, or ignore her.

4. Don't get other people involved.  Triangulation is pulling other people into the mess.  This is like warm water for a hurricane, it only makes it stronger.  If you don't feed it, then it will loose strength quicker.

Learn how to deal with the 3Cs of BPD
Controlling, criticizing, and complaining

Understand these are the real problems that drive non-BPD people nuts.

They are core components of the BPDs operating system.  They are hard wired into their brain and can't be changed.

The only thing you can change is your response to them.

These people will make you feel like your the crazy one so understanding their troubling behaviors and having a strategy to deal with them will make your life more calm.

You can change or control them, the only thing you can control is your response to their behaviors.

[Mommy su]

Great advice! it really helps to have a place to go to vent a little, plus pick up good tips for dealing with it. All of your insight is helpful... .it really helps to keep the thought that she cannot help it in the forefront... .makes it a little harder to tell her to grow up or go jump in the lake... .

[bluek9]

Mommy Su, just wanted to check in with you today, see how you're holding up. I'm really sorry to hear that alcohol is now playing a part in all this     very sad. As a drug and alcohol counselor for the past 22 years I can tell you that adding alcohol to her behavior is like throwing gas on a fire. Just keep this in mind at all times when interacting with her if there has been alcohol involved ## you cannot deal rationally with a person who is drinking! It just won't work.
       And while YES, we have all wanted to tell someone to go jump in the lake or grow up; I'm glad to read that you are now keeping a new thought in the forefront. The fact that they(she) cannot help it. BPD's really are hard wired differently then we are. And for goodness sake please don't try to figure it out, you'll drive yourself crazy doing that. Been there done that with my own daughter. Better to just accept, stay in the moment and fins new ways of interacting with her. Yuk, just we all want to hear, that we are the ones who have to change. Hang in there. Look forward to hearing more from you.

[Mommy su]

BlueK9-thanks for reaching out. i just saw this. Fortunately, the uBPD in my life is going to marriage counseling with my son. I am happy for this, and I am interested to see how it turns out. Know this, however, she chose a counselor that lives right across the street from us! Oh well, I trust that the counselor is professional! There is absolutely no telling what she told that counselor!
I am trying to hard to put this behind me, but the latest occurrence was about the 4th or 5th major blowup in the almost 4 years we have known her. We have had no contact with her. At this point, not only does my husband finally see the crazy in her, but he is really not interested in having any thing to do with her. I know that will change.