New here: Secrets and lies - realise I need support

[SwanOrnament]

My 25 yr old daughter was diagnosed with BPD last year - We’ve had 10 years of sheer purgatory prior. Clearly the diagnosis is at least a chance to first  come to terms but then information gather and then try and understand and learn a whole new set of rules and a different language. It’s exhausting ... I wish we had know much earlier as im sure we would have planned, approached and had more energy to help our lovely girl  I’m heart broken for her but determined to help her try and live the best life she can manage. However i’ve Just  started to realise that I to need support and came across this forum. x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome to the family!

There are a lot of others here who have been through what you have, and lots of wisdom. Read lots and post lots of questions... .

I would recommend a few things to start you off:

• Read "Stop walking on eggshells". A very good intro book to BPD
• Learn about the conversation tool of Validation. Search this site for it of find it in the tools in the sidebar ->
• realise, truely internalise, that her having BPD is not your fault. You not knowing for 10yrs is not your fault.
• and lastly, understand that wanting to help her is fantastic! But she is also her own person, who will make her own decisions (that may be wrong). And whilst you may be her parent wanting to protect her, she needs to be allowed to make her own choices, and live with their consequences. Love her regardless of her choices.

[Mutt]

Hi SwanOrnament,



Id like to join ArleighBurke and welcome you to the family.  ArleighBurke has some good points I’d just like to add one.

It’s exhausting ... I wish we had know much earlier as im sure we would have planned, approached and had more energy to help our lovely girl

It’s never too late. Some people may think that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves. You can actually do more if you take really good care of yourself. Plus you set an example to loved ones and in turn they’ll take really good care of themselves. What do you do for self care?

[bluek9]

SwanOrnament, hope you are realizing that we heard your need for support! Welcome to the board, we are here to make you feel validated, supported and encouraged. I hear you on the exhaustedness!
    My BPDD is 35, if you feel up to it read the post I made called slow and steady. I hope you will find hope and encouragement in it. The struggle is hard and long, long, long. Just know that we are here to be with you every step of the way.

[Merlot]

Hi SwanOrnament

Hope you are travelling ok.

I can hear the frustration and disappointment from a long journey of dealing with BPD. We all share that feeling with you. It truly is hard work... .now having learnt more about BPD I can call it a labour of love.

It rrally sounds like you want the best for your daughter as ww all do and so much of that is alao about safeguarding your own mental health

Are you able to find some quiet time away from the day to day drama... .even going for a walk to deconflict.

Keep sharing here as we can all learn from each other.

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi SwanOrnament,

Welcome!   I've been on this board for a few months and have found is so helpful. I hope you will too.

Someone on the board recommended the book "Loving someone with borderline personality disorder." I've just started reading it but so far I definitely like it the best of the BPD books I've read. Just wanted to throw in that recommendation as well!

[wendydarling]

hi SwanOrnament,

Welcome!   I've been on this board for a few months and have found is so helpful. I hope you will too.

Someone on the board recommended the book "Loving someone with borderline personality disorder." I've just started reading it but so far I definitely like it the best of the BPD books I've read. Just wanted to throw in that recommendation as well!

It's Merlot HB, my personal go to, too