BPD family insanity following death of father; understanding/insights please

[JulesC]

Hello there! 

It's been a long time since I posted but am feeling that this might be just the right place for support and that others might understand my situation. I guess that's what I'm looking for, understanding and insight amidst the pain of it all.

I'm in my mid 50's and from an original family of 4, BPD mum, enabling Dad with npd tendencies, older bro with npd/BPD style and myself.

I have been the family scapegoat although I've been consciously stepping out of that role for several years now. My bro has been the golden child/star. Dad also set me up as his "princess" and mum despised me. Dad would seduce me in all sorts of ways and then turn against me without warning and align with mum's cruel hatred of me in order to maintain their messed-up marriage.

My Dad died in 2015. In the moments following my Dad's last breath it became clear there had been a split right down the middle of the family system. I knew it already, but it became much clearer at his death. It literally filled the air. My Dad & I had been on one side of the split, mother and bro on the other side.

BPD mum is early 90's, now lives in a care home with Alzheimers. She has an odd combination of BPD and Alzheimers, not always easy to tell where the two conditions run into each other, but the BPD traits are definitely still there.

2.5 years on I am still reeling from my bro's behaviour.

Bro is extremely wealthy - multiple properties, he and wife have big salaries - they and their kids all have the latest and most expensive clothes etc. He "looks" super successful on the outside. I'm a single mum with one teen daughter, completely different value system, not into materialism, financially surviving but not wealthy.

My Dad understood the vulnerability of my circumstances and in his limited way loved me and my daughter very much. He helped me out financially, with my mum's consent and inclusion, especially after I got divorced from BPD ex husband. He told me my bro knew about the financial support. After my Dad died it became clear my brother didn't know and that he was enraged!

In short bro bullied and cajoled me over the money in the aftermath of Dad's death. I was reeling, from the intense psychic attacks from bro and mother during and after the death, the loss of my Dad and so on. And I was hooked by the old "scapegoat" wound of feeling like I had done something really "wrong and bad" in having received money from my parents which my brother had not had.

Without getting lost in too much "story" here, with good support from my therapist and legal advice, I have suggested to bro that he receive the same financial amount I have already been given when my mother dies, and then in line with the terms of the will, the rest be split between us. Legally this isn't necessary but I believe he would not hesitate in taking me to court and there have been a handful of case law situations in recent years that could mean he has a case. I am not interested in fighting over money, nor a legal battle with a very wealthy narcissist who wants to annihilate me!

I have also worked deeply with the "I'm bad and wrong" wound and been able to stand up to him by writing several emails making it clear that I will not tolerate his ongoing bullying. I think that's inflamed him.

He now keeps stalling on investing my parents estate. He and I are joint powers of attorney for my mother and joint executors on the estate and it's ludicrous that a large amount of money is sitting in various bank accounts, unprotected should there be another financial crisis, and not accumulating any interest. Legally there is little I can do about this other than take him to court, not interested in this for the reasons above!

In terms of boundaries, I don't see bro and we don't speak. Any correspondence is via email, but he's now curtailed that. I have low contact with my mum and visit her periodically, never when my brother is there.

I recently got a card from my sis-in-law (also BPD I believe) saying that she thinks bro and I need to get together because "emails are being misinterpreted" and "let's all meet for lunch, we'll bring your mum along too" so "just let us have a date".

Right! There is no way I am putting myself and my daughter in that situation. The psychic attack from bro/mum/sis-in-law is intense enough from 200 miles away! I haven't replied.

By the way, bro and sis-in-law barely ever saw my parents before my Dad died. Now mum lives in a care home near their house and they see her every couple of weeks and act like her devoted carers Anything to do with the fact that she's worth lots of ££££  ?

It's been utterly astounding, horrifying and heart breaking to take in just how jealous of me my brother has been all these years. My belief is that in our mad BPD family system there was very little love to go round and the most consistent source of that love was my Dad. When I was born my bro was aged 3 and he got ousted by my arrival. Sadly I was set up as Daddy's princess from birth. I think that my Dad's death sparked the up-surgence of all bro's unconscious early childhood rage, hatred and jealousy of me and that has been directed point-blank at me under the guise of this being about money.


My pain? Well, like all of us who come from a BPD family system, this family has had a devastating impact on my life and this is another cruel blow and one I never thought possible. I feel unresolved and the situation haunts me daily. I want closure and don't know how to get it. And I also want my inheritance at some point if that's possible, but I wonder if that's really where I'm hooked?

Any comments, insights or understanding welcome!

Love to all of us who suffer the seemingly endless aftermath of BPD FOO's x

[ijustwantpeace]

I am very sorry for all your troubles.  I know how you feel I wish the BPD nightmare would just end and I would wake up to a nice sunny day and have everything be alright.

The truth is that is not my reality and is never likely to be.  The more I wish my BPD to leave me alone the more miserable I become.

My best advice is to find something to keep you busy until it comes time to settle up the estate.  It does no good to focus on things you can't control like a narc brother or your mother.

You have my permission to do what is right for you and your family.  Get yourself strong and healthy.  The rest will sort itself out in time.

[madeline7]

Hi JulesC,
My enabler Dad passed away in his late 80's about 2 years ago, and the dysfunctional FOO became even more dysfunctional after his death. One sibling thought my uBPDm would "pull it together" and magically get better after he passed... .how wrong she was. Talk about denial. The other sibling stopped talking to me, no body knows why. Right now we are not fighting over money, but I'm sure when the time comes, I will be in your situation. My uBPDm is still independent, and I shudder to think how that will change when she really needs us to make decisions and provide care. But the one thing that did change after my Dad's passing was a sense of liberation for me, to no longer be bullied into doing what Dad needed us to do to try to keep Mom stable. I also allowed myself to get a better perspective from MY point of view, and sought out counseling, and carved out time to work on myself. I find this site a wealth of info and support. My suggestion to you is to continue to seek legal advice, and document everything you do. And focus on you, and your teen daughter. I wish you peace and happiness, things we are not always accustomed to with our FOO's, but deserving of.

[JulesC]

Ijustwantpeace and madeline7

thank you both for taking the time to write something. i hadn't realised until after i posted, just how much this has worn me down and been getting to me lately. the recent "invitation" from my sis-in-law to meet for lunch came on my birthday... .and ruined it! i've been feeling pretty raw ever since.

it's a relief to connect with you and be reminded i'm not alone, even though the BPD foo world can so seem that way sometimes.

and what stands out from you both is to turn my focus on myself and my daughter and our wellbeing... .here's what you both said... .

You have my permission to do what is right for you and your family.  Get yourself strong and healthy.  The rest will sort itself out in time.

My suggestion to you is to continue to seek legal advice, and document everything you do. And focus on you, and your teen daughter. I wish you peace and happiness, things we are not always accustomed to with our FOO's, but deserving of.

Thank you

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you! Your family sounds in many ways a lot like mine. I really don't think there is much you can do about your brother's behavior.  I think in deciding what to do, you might take several things into consideration. When talking about the estate, is there a significant amount of money involved that could make a big difference in the quality of your life now and in the future? Can you afford to pay an attorney to take care of all of this for you? Certainly, you want to limit the emotional toll on your mental health, as much as that is possible. Probably, the more your interact with your brother and the more you try to appease your brother, probably the worse he is going to behave. Certainly, I would go to a lawyer who knows about the cost of settling estates and the problems between family members. You can often get a free consult, or just pay a consulting fee for the advice without contracting the lawyer. Do not agree to a law suit without understanding how much all this could cost in terms of emotional pain, money, and time. Take care and let us know how we can help!

[No-One]

Hi JulesC:
I'm so sorry about the situation with your brother.  I can understand how distressing it must be for you.  :)o you think that part of your brother's behavior could relate to his need to control things?    

Are all your mom's assets liquid, without property(s) to sell?  Had your parents invested in anything other than regular bank accounts in the past?  What would you like your mom's assets to be invested in?  Would you perhaps consult an independent financial adviser who merely charges a fee for his advice and isn't selling/gets's a fee from any specific investment that he might recommend.  

He and I are joint powers of attorney for my mother and joint executors on the estate

Are you both listed on the bank accounts, with power of attorney?  :)oes it take both of you to make any withdrawals or transfer of money?

Without getting lost in too much "story" here, with good support from my therapist and legal advice, I have suggested to bro that he receive the same financial amount I have already been given when my mother dies, and then in line with the terms of the will, the rest be split between us. Legally this isn't necessary but I believe he would not hesitate in taking me to court and there have been a handful of case law situations in recent years that could mean he has a case. I am not interested in fighting over money, nor a legal battle with a very wealthy narcissist who wants to annihilate me!

I believe you are in the UK.  I don't know about the laws there, but in the U.S., parents can gift money to whomever they want.  I had to deal with a sibling with strong BPD traits, during an estate settlement.  My sibling initiated a court case. I started out with a lawyer, but ended up representing myself.  The lawyer was costly and wasn't looking out for my welfare.  I did research on the Internet and found out how to file my own response forms.  

In the end, after the initial court hearing, my sibling backed down and things were settled outside of court, without my sibling getting what they wanted.

Just because it's possible, doesn't mean that your brother will win.  I discovered the hard way that not every lawyer you consult gives you the best advice.  I was able to find documentation on some case law via the Internet.  An other option for me would have been to visit a law library and research case law on my own.

I know that the thought of a lawsuit is very scary.  You might consider finding out the case names for whatever case precedent you are concerned with.  Then, do your own research and read about similar cases that won and then those that lost.

Information is power and sometimes validation of information is necessary.  :)ifficult relatives will try to intimidate you and then retain lawyers who will try to do the same.  It's possible to stand your ground.  

I think you deserve whatever money your father gave you, as a gift.  Think the situation over a bit more, and do some research.  There can be a downside if you concede to your brother too early.  The reality is that you won't be able to appease your brother, no matter what you do.

Your choice to NOT have the group meeting, sounds like a good one. Your mom has Alzheimer's.  Your brother could easily sway her positions on things, so a group meeting with her isn't likely of any value to you (only to your brother).  Best to keep SIL out of a drama triangle.

The suggestion that you document everything is a good one.  I ended up doing all of my estate correspondence via registered mail (U.S. postal sys.).  I made it a point to discuss all estate issues separately and in a professional manner (I didn't mix anything else within the correspondence).  I used a letter format and kept all proof of delivery receipts. I approached everything as if I were interacting with a stranger who was trying to sue me.

Best to start a file to document everything early on.  Start an electronic file now (with a backup somewhere) and start logging interactions on a spreadsheet, with date and basic details).  Make a "print to file" copy of emails you have to date.  If you can't do that, print out and scan the emails or use some alternate method to collect files.  Best to have good documentation that you can use if you need it.  It will be less stressful that way.

No matter which position you take, you will likely have to accept that whatever you do, you won't be able to change your brother or his behavior toward you.

One reality is that a 90 year old with Alzheimer's doesn't have much life span left.  You may have to wait things out.  An alternative to meeting with your brother, might be sending a registered letter to him.  Make it formal and suitable for court (if needed).  Indicate that as a co-administrator of your mom's estate, you have concern about how mom's assets are invested.  Perhaps, propose that you both meet with a mutually agreeable independent financial adviser, analyse the assets and the fact of your situation, and obtain recommendations on some type of diversified investments for consideration.  You don't want an adviser who sells certain investments funds, and gets a fee associated with the fund sale.  You want an adviser who manages a portfolio for an overall fee, not related to any specific investment.  

Just sharing some thoughts.  If you do end up in some type of law suit down the road, evidence of reasonable efforts on your part to look after your mom's assets could prove beneficial to you.  You may have to change your mindset from sister/brother to a formal business-like relationship:  formal communication, document everything, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If your brother sends a nasty reply back, don't react.  Let any anger on your part settle for a few days (perhaps write out some thoughts that you just keep in journal form and don't send to him - a good way to vent).  If you don't get any response to an initial letter, do a follow-up formal letter and ask for a written response from him.

Let us know how it goes.  Interacting with a sibling with BPD or strong BPD traits is very difficult in estate situations - especially when the sibling is jealous and controlling. Remember that most lawyer letters are meant to intimidate.  Should you brother respond to one of your letters with a response via a lawyer, don't panic.  I spent over a year corresponding with a sibling's lawyer on my own, before a court action was initiated.

After I proceeded to file my own response papers to the court and act on my own behalf, my sibling cancelled the court action after the initial hearing.  I didn't even concede anything during the preliminary stages of a mandatory settlement conference.  I had a bit of a laugh, when I got one of the last lawyer's letters from my sibling, where the lawyer stated, "you were suppose to offer some concession on your part".  Nope, that didn't happen and I felt strongly that if we progressed to an actual court trial, I had enough documented against my sibling that they would likely lose and be the one paying for court costs, and well as the accumulating lawyer fees.

Best to focus on business and legal matters right now.  After all that is concluded, there may be an opportunity for some level of a relationship with your brother (perhaps a low level of contact).  

[JulesC]

Thank you Zachira and No-One

Yes Zachira, the estate is worth quite a lot of money, circa 750K and the 50/50 split with my bro that is in my mother's will would make a big difference to my life, and in turn my daughter's. I can afford limited legal advice.

No-One, thank you for taking the time to write so comprehensively. Your post is clear, inspiring and empowering. I want to acknowledge your fortitude and courage in advocating for yourself in your own situation.

I am in the UK and essentially the law sounds similar to the US. Thanks to what you have written I have decided to go back to a lawyer I spoke to around the time of my father's death and take more advice. I have documentation of everything, but I do need to attend to tidying it up and your idea of a spreadsheet is a great one.

Regarding investment of the estate, bro had agreed to work with an independent financial advisor. We had got to the stage of agreeing on the investment strategy but he has stalled twice now at the point of submitting final paperwork and pressing go on investing. He knows it's important to me and I think this is part of why he stalls. Yes, I do think part of his behaviour relates to his need to control things and he's also pretty paranoid.

His latest stalling episode is recent and coincided with me responding to an email laden with false accusations. I presented the facts regarding the accusations, well documented with dates etc. and also stated that I am fed up with his accusations and insinuations that I have done something wrong and would he kindly back off. I can see in hindsight that this has triggered him stalling.

Your email has helped me realise that he is likely uBPD and well as unpd. I hadn't quite "got" this before.

So thank you for inspiring me in all sorts of ways, not least to sit up straight and take charge of the situation in the best ways that I can. I will be contacting the lawyer tomorrow.

With appreciation

[Living Life]

YIKES! Jules C, your situation has similarities to my own. However, my mother ended up making an entirely new trust about 3 years after my dad died. At that time, she was about 91, and lived to be 97+. She totally disregarded my father's will, leaving me 1/2 of his estate, and left the estate in its entirety to my brother, the Golden Child. My father was always the only one who could moderate her behavior; it was 1/2 to each of us before the new trust was made. This was all to be kept secret until she died. He finally felt guilty about it, and told me about 6 weeks before she died. At this point, she was old, frail, and sick, and there was nothing to do. As the story came out, which he later denied, the SIL made the appointment with the attorney, took her to the appointment, AND sat in on the meeting. I informed my brother that due to the actions of his wife, I had probable grounds to sue the estate and win, but that I wouldn't do that. Anyway, long story short, he ended up giving me 1/2 of my dad's estate. He then took on the role of my uBPD mother, with me again being the scapegoat and on the receiving end of a lot of nasty name calling, gaslighting, projection, and being accused of things I didn't do. I have since gone NC with him, and then found this board.

I was 71 when all this came down; you would think all the drama would no longer matter, but dealing with my uBPD mother's rages, nastiness, and general disapproval while continuing to try to be a good daughter over my lifetime, continues to affect me. The first huge blow was discovering the betrayal of her changing the estate and having the 3 of them keep it a secret for 6 years. Then having my brother turn on me was devastating.

Knowing what I know now, I would have handled things differently, but I did the best I could at the time. The advice given by Zachira and No-One is excellent. Don't engage with the SIL; you can't win when there is 2 against one. Your family estate is between you and your brother, the SIL should have no say and stay out of it. My SIL ended up behind the scenes and controlling my brother and his actions. I highly recommend you consult a good estate attorney to advise you and protect your interests. Do this now, before your mother dies. Good luck. Keep in touch.

[JulesC]

Living Life, our situations sound very similar. Not in a good way!

I'm very sorry you had to deal with all this in your early 70's. My heart goes out to you.

It really is a lifetimes work to process and heal the layers of pain that are part of the fallout of being raised in a BPD FOO.

Posting this time has been helpful and has jolted me into a "wake up" position of ensuring I do what I can legally at this point, in preparation for when my mother dies.

The pain, hurt, horror and shock of coming to terms with how profoundly my BPD family has affected me is juxtaposed with feeling more free and more embedded in my own life and values, but what a journey.

Thank you for your support and to everyone who has written or read this post. It's been very helpful to reach out.