My daughter is not the person I knew when she was a child and young teen.

[ShelliAnne]

Hi - This is my first post.  My daughter is 24 years old, and lives at home with us (her parents) at the current time.  She has started showing most of the listed traits of BPD, except for substance abuse, thankfully, over the course of the last 2-3 years.  This is not the person I knew when she was a child and young teen.  I don't know when she broke, how she broke, why she broke.  She maintains that everything is all my fault.  She screams, she rages, she throws things, sometimes breaks things.  Then she will be sweet and apologetic - for maybe 30-40 minutes.  And then it starts again.  I live in terror of her dying.  She has attempted/threatened suicide.  She refuses help, of course, as she does not perceive that she has a problem.  She has recently joined a "church" that maybe one could argue is her "addiction."  My daughter used to be a pretty independent thinker, and was not easily swayed by other people's opinions.  I always saw this as a strength for her.  Now this "church" has her completely indoctrinated and it is scary how she is allowing herself to be manipulated.  Again, this isn't the person I once knew.  I do not understand the brain changes that have occurred with her.  I don't understand the brain chemistry that is changing.  I feel so in the dark.  I have tried to get information out of my own therapist, and she just looks at me, silent.  I have researched BPD ad nauseum, read book after book, sat through a DBT group for families of people with BPD, and keep coming up with childhood abuse and trauma as the cause of BPD.  We didn't abuse our daughter.  When she was about 9, my sister died suddenly, and my daughter tells me every chance she gets that I emotionally abandoned her.  In her mind, I abused her, so I do not argue with her and validate that my grieving was hard for her.  I am in agony.  I miss my daughter, I love my daughter, I am helpless to help my daughter.  And I put up with rage and abuse and near constant crying and screaming out of her.  She manipulates me constantly.  She makes it clear what a loser of a mother I am.  I vguess I am done for now.  I know I am not saying anything you all haven't heard before.  I just needed to vent, I feel so alone.  Thanks your for listening     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Imarriedhim]

Really sorry to read this, as a nonBPD with a spouse with BPD, I know what the suffering is, and how we feel terrible because of our loved ones.  I do feel for you, as it is so difficult when a child is like this.
Welcome to the family, here on this site
Very best wishes to you as you seek to understand, to protect yourself/selves, and as you support your daughter.
The books mentioned on this site contain lots of good support
I am walking where you are walking, but as a wife. I cannot imagine how it is for you as a parent, and every strength to you

[Mutt]

Hi SA,



I’d like to joinI marriedhim and welcome you to the site. I’m sorry that you’re going through this  It sounds like you’re really dedicated with learning about BPD I was going to suggest make it a goal to depersonalize the behaviours andbecome indifferent to them you neither like it or hate it.

  I have researched BPD ad nauseum, read book after book, sat through a DBT group for families of people with BPD, and keep coming up with childhood abuse and trauma as the cause of BPD.  We didn't abuse our daughter.

I can tell that you’re looking for answers sometimes it takes time to get answers we hope to be able to help you get there. It helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

There are three ways that someone can develop BPD a) environmental factors b) genetics c) a traumatic event can trigger the o set of the disieder

[bluek9]

ShelliAnne,
         Welcome to this place. It is my hope for you that feel heard, validated and supported here by all of us.
My heart brakes for you, just reading your post takes me back to my own first post here. A mother who feels she has lost her daughter, a mother feels hopeless. I'm right there with you! Trust me you are not a loser of a mom. If you really were, you wouldn't love her so much.
        I know you said you have done your research, can gently remind you then that she has no control over her brain. BPD's are suffering, scared, miserable in their own emotions and thoughts. And no I'm not trying to change the subject from you to her. It's just a fact that we can loose sight of easily. I spent many a day crying over trying to come to terms with what my daughter was going through. Grieving the lose of all I felt she could be. Here on this board I have come to a place of being able to change my thinking, my view. So while yes it is a fact that my daughter will never be free of BPD, I have now found a new way, different way of loving her, supporting her, interacting with her. I have found the ability of forgiving myself and her. Like I said to you, you are not a looser, neither am I. We are strong mothers who love our girls.
         Use your self care, take care of yourself, keep posting here, take heart there are others who know what it feels like to be going through this.

[Merlot]

Hi ShelliAnne

like bluek9, Mutt and Imarriedhim, I'm glad you came here to share with us.

It is so very painful, our children with BPD can really hurt us and I agree with Mutt that we have to depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them you neither like it or hate it.

I have been practicing this a lot and I have found that this is actually really working well for me, as my daughter is also taking no responsibility and blaming me for many things, denigrating me and telling many what a horrible mother I am.

Stepping back from the conflict, and keeping my self safe (emotionally) has been really important.  As your daughter is living with you, are you able to walk away or get in the car?  Let her know you love her and you'll be back but you're not ready to engage while she is aggressive.

Have you read Shari Manning's book; Learning to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I have found that to be so cathartic.

Well done to you for learning as much as you can.

Keep coming and sharing and I hope that you are ok.

Merlot