How should you respond to Blame and Shifting

[Purplemoon27]

Hello
A question question about being the target of blame and shifting. My daughter has BPD  and in most every situation she finds a way to blame me. She does it for everything. Even when I was no where around or had any knowledge of the situation. She refuses to accept her illness but blames me for her "emotional problems", and she is so very mean about it. She writes the horrible things about me on Facebook and other  Social media. For the most part I am so used to it I don't but it still hurt a great deal. when she was younger 18-21 she would praise and tank me for being such a great mother to her then she turn 21 and started being around a group of people that had negative influences on her and became obsessed with social media and now (she is 29) I am the worst person in the world and I did all these awful horrible things to her and caused all her lifes misery. She I did things that never happened or if they did it was not me. She goes on and on about things from her childhood about how I was or how others treated her and that was all my fault too. She was such a hard child and I spent hour and hour at the schools and therapy with her. Oh the stories I could tell. I would fight with teacher after teach because she was so difficult. Was told she was ADHD and took her to specialist got 504 plan and special accommodations for her. Family member and her brothers don't want anything to do with her because she can be so mean and say such awful things, but to her she is not responsible for any of that it is all my fault. When things go wrong in her life because of the bad choice she and her husband make that is my fault too. Then she comes after me in a ti raid going back to everything I did wrong as a mother and how could I do that and why did I do that and the majority of the time I and no one else in the family knows what she is talking about. If I try validation response or apologizing for not knowing more about her condition or not responding better to her emotions when she was younger, she get more angry and states I am not sorry I am just saying it so she won't be mad and I can't make her not angry she is allowed to be angry and resent me. If not for my grandson I would just give up and stop contact with her, but she is not a good parent and neither is her husband and right now they are using our 2 year old grandson as a weapon against us. I have taken classes and read countless books and the one thing I am not finding is how to deal with and respond to this. Any informed or educated advise on this topic would be greatly appreciated. I have not been able to see my grandson for 6 months now because she has been in a bad place because of their impulsive decision to move 800 miles away with now jobs gave up friends and family and has no support close by and in a very bad finical situation and some how how she feels now and all her stress is still my fault 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Purplemoon27,
          Wow, welcome, I hate to say this but you sound like you just keep hitting a brick wall. That said, you also sound worn out. I'm sorry you have such a difficult situation  to deal with, then to have to add a little one in the mix. I thought that dealing with my BPDD was hard enough, then she had JJ who is now 6. I was there to help him come into the world, then she took him to another state and lived homeless on the streets for a year. They are both back with me now, have been for 4 years. I'm so very grateful to be raising him now but, I immediately found myself protecting him from her behaviors.
         Your post sounds so familiar to me, it's the one common behavior BPD's do BLAME and SHIFT. It could be my post about my daughter. All her life she has told me how much she hates me and blames me for everything. I too use to say I was used to it, it didn't matter how often I heard it or tried to ignore it, it still hurt my heart.
         Your frustration is very clear about having read everything, tried so many different things, and still not having a way of dealing with it. For me after awhile I was ready to give up. Then I found this board, these people who support me and encourage me, share ideas with me. I too read a lot of books. I started out by using the S.E.T. method of talking with my daughter. Initially it irritated me to have change MYSELF yet again for her. So no it didn't work right away but I kept at it. now we are in a nice calm.
         I'm so very sorry for pain and frustration. Sometimes when we have a break from our BPD kids it can be a good time for us to take a step back, breath, re-evaluate our own self care. It can be so hard to do this, it's not like turning off the T.V. and walking away. Keep posting, venting and asking questions. I hope to hear more of your story and how you are doing in all this.

[Mutt]

Hi Purplemoon27,



I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. What a tough spot to be in with your D and her H.

I started out by using the S.E.T. method of talking with my daughter. Initially it irritated me to have change MYSELF yet again for her. So no it didn't work right away but I kept at it. now we are in a nice calm.

I had similar as bluek9 you can’t control others around you what you can control is ho you act and react to them. When you take on the task to change and it’s not easy but it’s not impossible a really I retesting thing happens - when you change everything changes.

Keep learning about BPD it’s a persecution complex where the person really believes that their circumstances are not by their or or lack of good decision, they think that it is caused by circumstances other than themselves. Also I was thinking that BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder a pwBPD can’t regulate or self sooth and she could be looking for soothing too with baiting and trying to pick fights - my point is be wary of that learn to depersonalize these behaviours it’s the nature of the disorder it’s something that she’s going through, learn to become indifferent to her behaviours you neither like it or hate it emotionally detach from her behaviours.

Your D has a point you have the right to feel the way that you do but I don’t agree with her expectation with being validated for that anger. I’d suggest to put a boundary on yourself with what I said about depersonalizations when she’s emotionally dysregulated it’s directed at the people that are closest to a pwBPD because they are the most tempered change the tempo by finding something else to do to remove yourself from the situation go out and run an errand, go out the garage clean your car, go out and do some yard work I’m sure others can help you with suggestions. Tell her “I’m not to be spoken to in this manner and walk out” As stated previously you can’t change gore she acts you can change how you react to it get out of harms way when she’s acting like this.

Going back to what your D said you have a right to feel your feelings too come here vent on the boards and share with us, use the boards as a place to write down all of the angst, frustration, disappointment, sadness etc... .it’s very therapeutic it helps to talk.

[Merlot]

Hi Purplemoon27

So glad you came and joined us at the bpdfamily, your story is so similar to many of us it is indeed very perplexing and painful.

It seems at the moment that blame and shifting is a very similar thread for many parents posting.  missymoo has also just posted about this exact issue. 

I have written previously in my post about acceptance as a goal in order to allow me to understand that my DD27 anger and projection is more about her illness than hatred of me.  It is allowing me to retain my integrity as a mother and know that I have done the very best that I could.  I am also learning as Mutt says to change the way I interact.

At the moment, I am very focussed on validating and maintaining strong boundaries... .it's a work in progress.  Keep coming and learning, it's very difficult I know but it's so great that we can share our stories and seek help and advice from one another.

Merlot