How should I handle this situation?

[blooming]

The last time I posted here was about one and a half weeks ago. You can find the topic here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321797.0. Since that time I saw my ex twice, last sunday and this friday. We had conversations on whatsapp every day on the days we didn't see eachother, although sometimes we only messaged eachother in the evening, so it wasn't during the whole day.

I just don't really understand where this is going and how I should proceed. It kind of seems like we're just dating again, but I notice that I find it quite hard that it seems so different between us, a lot more distant. For example, when we greet eachother, he only kisses me on the cheek. And when we say goodnight on whatsapp it's only with "X" or "xx" instead of the "love you xxxxx" it used to be. I find that quite difficult.

He is clearly the one who is wanting to take it slow and because I notice that he seems more interested now and actually looks forward to our meetings (I think), I try to go along with it and be a bit more relaxed about it too. But I'm not sure how long I can keep that up.

I just want to know what he wants, I want to know if he wants this to become a fullblown relationship again or if he just wants the easy and familiar attention. I have asked him multiple times whether he's seeing others and he's said all those times that he REALLY isn't and that I shouldn't worry about that at all. So I guess I'll just have to trust him on that, although I notice that I still don't trust him completely. For example, there was a period of about 2 hours on tuesday evening that he didn't talk to me and normally he talks to me quite frequently during evenings, so I was immediately worried he was with someone. And yesterday, when I was at his place, I saw two dirty teacups with only one teabag on his table, so I immediately think that he had someone over to drink tea with. It sucks that I can't trust him.

Yesterday I tried to bring up the fact that I found this whole vague situation quite hard. He said that he couldn't really give me answers now, but that he was having a really good time with me. He also said that I irritated him with decisions I made (for example, I moved, and he (without seeing it) has decided that he hates my new home). And when I said that I was worried that he was only with me because he knew that I'd always be there, he said "But if something happened with you I'd be there for you too". But that wasn't really what I meant.

I just feel like I maybe have to bring it up again, but really think about what I want to say. But I don't really know what I should say and how to get my point across. I also just don't know what to do with this situation. Is it normal to take it this slow? Is it a good sign? Should I go along with it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Hi Blooming.

This is one of your sentences from an earlier post:

Yes, the part of his load being too heavy to carry mine as well is something I realize now.

Then from here:

He is clearly the one who is wanting to take it slow and because I notice that he seems more interested now and actually looks forward to our meetings (I think), I try to go along with it and be a bit more relaxed about it too. But I'm not sure how long I can keep that up.

And then:

I just feel like I maybe have to bring it up again

It sounds like he's got a load to carry, but still interested. And wants to take it slow.
You're also still interested, but it sounds like you don't want to take it slow.  You also want to know whether you should go along.

You might want to ask yourself three things:

1. Ask yourself how long you're willing to wait for him.
2. Then ask yourself how long you're willing to avoid asking him about the status of your relationship. Because every time you bring this up, it might be adding an additional weight to his current mental burden.
3. Finally, ask yourself if repeated questioning (#2) might actually be causing him to feel pressured. Because pressure could equal more times he will avoid messaging you, calling you or seeing you in person. Translation: One step forward, two steps back.

-ngu

[juju2]

Hi,

I would take it slow.

If you can become more self assured, not focused on him and what he is doing, you will have a more solid ground.  It's hard, I know, and i am trying to do this myself.  I had gotten co dependent, he was my whole life... .

Also, I don't pressure my pwBPD because it causes  stress in our r/s. The more happy, joyful, and at ease i can be around him, the better things go.

I want him to lead, not me.  I am relearning how to do things, and if i am not sure if i should say or do anything, I pause.  Or I say or do nothing.

Because I can't trust my thinking re this r/s, and i don't want to be needy, possessive, etc.  That is where i am at.

Thank you,
j

[blooming]

It sounds like he's got a load to carry, but still interested. And wants to take it slow.
You're also still interested, but it sounds like you don't want to take it slow.  You also want to know whether you should go along.

Yes, that's all very true. I just don't know how interested he is. Is he just interested in having companionship/intimacy with someone for now, or does he actually wants this to become a relationship again? Because if it's the first thing I'm not sure if I should go along with it, because it would kind of mean that I'm being used, because he knows that it's the second thing I want.

You might want to ask yourself three things:

1. Ask yourself how long you're willing to wait for him.
2. Then ask yourself how long you're willing to avoid asking him about the status of your relationship. Because every time you bring this up, it might be adding an additional weight to his current mental burden.
3. Finally, ask yourself if repeated questioning (#2) might actually be causing him to feel pressured. Because pressure could equal more times he will avoid messaging you, calling you or seeing you in person. Translation: One step forward, two steps back.

Yes, I really need to think about how long I want to keep staying in this limbo. I guess I'll just see how it goes for a weeks and if he is still that vague around that time then I'll tell him that if he doesn't want this to go anywhere that we should probably call it quits. Although I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do that. And you're right, repeated questioning will probably put him off. It's just that I'm really not good at handling the current situation.

When we first started dating a few years ago it was not like this either, because then I really felt that he really liked me and we saw eachother a few times a week from the get go. Now we're taking it so much slower and I find that hard.

[blooming]

Hi,

I would take it slow.

If you can become more self assured, not focused on him and what he is doing, you will have a more solid ground.  It's hard, I know, and i am trying to do this myself.  I had gotten co dependent, he was my whole life... .

Yes, that's what I'm trying to do exactly, to live my life like I would without him and try not to be too dependent on him. But it's just hard, because every time I'm near him I get this really big urge for him to acknowledge me and to say that he wants to be with me and I kind of go in this submissive mode and put myself down in a way.

Also, I don't pressure my pwBPD because it causes  stress in our r/s. The more happy, joyful, and at ease i can be around him, the better things go.

I want him to lead, not me.  I am relearning how to do things, and if i am not sure if i should say or do anything, I pause.  Or I say or do nothing.

Because I can't trust my thinking re this r/s, and i don't want to be needy, possessive, etc.  That is where i am at.

But isn't it wrong to let him take the lead? I don't know, it doesn't feel right to just lay myself at his feet and wait for what he decides to do. In that way I'm making myself smaller, I think.

[Skip]

You keep thinking that this is a continuation of the old relationship - its not. Its a new one. Things are changed.

I strongly encourage you to post more often and share what is happening and how you are handling it - get some coaching from members.

I'd worry that your insecurity is coming off to him as clingy - and that is devaluing you. No one respects clingy.

Things are always on the terms of the person who goes slower or is more cautious. That is not comforting, but its generally a fact in relationships.

You asked the question. You go an answer. You don't trust him. You asked again (and again).

I think you have to let it play out a bit.

[juju2]

Hi,

I get what you are saying, being smaller.

What I am meaning, is lay the groundwork for a r/s you want.  I dont mean powerless.
I mean powerful over our own thinking, words, actions.
Getting strength around awareness, our own self care, gaining ground on my attitude.  I want to be positive, caring, and loving. 

I read on here that we become caretakers.

I am wondering if there is a way not to go back in to co dependency.  If we do our part in being healthy, responding to healthy, not reacting to unhealthy.

If i get myself healthy, I will intuitively know a better way.  It's a possibility i am exploring right now.

Peace, joy

j

[blooming]

You keep thinking that this is a continuation of the old relationship - its not. Its a new one. Things are changed.

I strongly encourage you to post more often and share what is happening and how you are handling it - get some coaching from members.

I'd worry that your insecurity is coming off to him as clingy - and that is devaluing you. No one respects clingy.

Things are always on the terms of the person who goes slower or is more cautious. That is not comforting, but its generally a fact in relationships.

You asked the question. You go an answer. You don't trust him. You asked again (and again).

I think you have to let it play out a bit.

I just don't want to bore other members with my problems, I feel like they have far bigger issues that need more attention than mine.

I think you are right about the clinginess. He knows I'm not comfortable in this situation and that I can't handle the vagueness very well, he probably finds that unattractive. But how do I change it?

I think so too, just see where things are going. But for example now we haven't made a new appointment to see eachother, but I kind of wanted to wait and see if he would propose anything. Is that wrong, to wait for him? I don't want to be the one asking to meet up every time.

[juju2]

this is difficult, it seems like I am waiting.

If i can find something to occupy myself.  If I can do self care, things that make me genuinely feel good, connect w friends, make new friends.

It is a hard path for me to go, and it gets easier.

When we lived together, somehow I dropped my whole life, except him, and also did no self care.

I was a mess.  I had nothing to offer the r/s, nothing to offer myself and because of that, my self esteem tanked.

Pick up one or two new things you like to do, do those regularly, see how you feel.  Keep those up, or find something else you enjoy;

I started two classes at the community college and also volunteering in my community twice a month.  It makes me feel good about myself, it builds me up.also, it gives me purpose, time to do something other than obsess about him, why isnt he calling, etc.  This helps my outlook.  Helps my energy.

I don't know about you, all of this was wearing me down.  You can read my posts, it has been a journey... .

Think about these ideas.

Best,
j

[Skip]

I just don't want to bore other members with my problems, I feel like they have far bigger issues that need more attention than mine.

Please come to help other and other will help you - that's how it works. Find others that you can relate to and help them. That's why people are posting in your thread - they have issues just he same.

People can't help if they don't know the details.

I didn't realizing you were making the dates - maybe it would be best if you tell us what has happened since you left off a week or so ago.

[blooming]

Please come to help other and other will help you - that's how it works. Find others that you can relate to and help them. That's why people are posting in your thread - they have issues just he same.

People can't help if they don't know the details.

I didn't realizing you were making the dates - maybe it would be best if you tell us what has happened since you left off a week or so ago.

I'll try to be more active on other peoples threads, but I just feel like I don't have anything to add because I'm quite clueless about my own situation.

I posted an update about my current situation on the other thread I have, the one I linked to in the first post of this thread!

[isilme]

Hi blooming.  Glad to see you pop up again.  well, not glad you're still in limbo, but glad you felt okay coming to talk about it.

When two people have different timelines in what they want in a relationship - things can be frustrating and hard.

This goes back to what I've mentioned in the past - be honest about what you want.

You're working on that, so good!

Now, think about WHEN you want it/need it. 

All relationships are in states of change, evaluation, growing, one person stepping ahead, or the other falling behind.  They are not static, not even ones where things have been in progress for decades (I kinda know).  :P

Give your self-check updates. 

In 2 weeks, honestly ask yourself, "Am I okay with what we have right now? Do I want to continue, or is it best to seek romance on another horizon?  Is he going so slow, so distant, so ambiguous compared to what I want that I feel so uncertain, so unhappy, so unfilled this is hurting me more than it's positive?" 

If you make your choice  to stick around a little longer, stop asking him questions about it.  Just go with it.  Skip is right, treat this as a new relationship - you've both changes as people in the intermediate time between now and your initial break up.  Old Blooming is gone.  Old exBF is gone.
 Then when your "deadline" for self-evaluation pops up, think seriously, and decide if you want to "renew" your "rental" so to speak. 

If you stick with it, if things get better, if you find yourself happier or more satisfied as things maybe get closer, you can stretch out your self-evaluations from weeks to months, and maybe even years. 

If you find that a few of these periods have passed and you've not gotten any happier, then you have amassed quite a bit of qualitative data that maybe you need to let him go his way, and you go yours, and maybe even using What's App is too much for to people who grew apart. 

Before texting and the internet, things were not this muddy - you broke up, you only saw each other now and then if you ended up at the same party.  You could heal.  You did not have to see/hear from them day to day.  It took an effort to see each other, and timing to even call each other.  Now, we are all so accessible, even people we don't feel strongly about can reach us in a moment.  Cutting the cord is harder, making breakups fuzzy, new dating fuzzy, and there is so much in between grey areas things are a mess for people these days.

I almost think if you'd broken up in the 1980s, you'd have maybe moved on a bit before he was able to try to contact you the first time, and you'd not be in limbo now.

Never think your problem of the day is too mundane.  It helps YOU to post, and helps you to talk to others as you can.  It's good to chime in even if all you can share at that moment is "I've been through that, too!"  It helps validate all of us at times, as we deal with a lot of things that are hard to communicate outside those with BPD experiences. 

[Skip]

When two people have different timelines in what they want in a relationship - things can be frustrating and hard. ... /...   Give your self-check updates.  In 2 weeks, honestly ask yourself, "Am I okay with what we have right now? Do I want to continue... .

This is good advice. One step at a time. 

What is happening in the relationship? Are you back in a physical relationship? Are you doing most of the date initiation? Is he giving you priority time?

[blooming]

This is good advice. One step at a time. 

What is happening in the relationship? Are you back in a physical relationship? Are you doing most of the date initiation? Is he giving you priority time?

Yes, we're back in a physical relationship. Although we only see eachother about once a week now. I'll try to summarize what happened since the wednesday we had dinner together.

Since that time I saw him two more times and I'll see him again tomorrow. On the sunday of that same week we had dinner together and went out for an evening stroll and some ice cream. We talked a lot and had some beers and just a really good time. I didn't plan on doing it, but when he kissed me things just escalated and I ended up staying the night. But I guess things like that happen when you're dating, so maybe I shouldn't fuss about it too much. The day after that he had to leave early but I stayed in his bed. So I guess it's a good sign that he's trusting me to be alone in his room already.

That sunday night we talked about a concert we both wanted to go to, which was that coming friday, so we decided to go together. In the days between sunday and friday we messaged eachother every day, sometimes more, sometimes less. Friday we first had dinner together and then went to the concert. During the dinner I tried to talk a bit about the situation, but it seemed like he wasn't really up to it. He said that he was having a really good time now, but that he couldn't give me any answers. I said that I found it hard that I didn't really feel like he really liked me or really wanted to spend time with me, but he didn't really reply to that. So it's all still very vague. He did say again that I really shouldn't worry about him being with anyone else, because he isn't. So I really need to try to trust him on that. I did see two dirty teacups with only one teabag on his table, so things like that make me think immediately that he had company. I hate myself for finding it so hard to trust him, because it's pretty much all based on things he's done in the past, but he has never done anything like that during our relationship.

Since friday we again talked every day, sometimes more/sometimes less, and yesterday (sunday evening) he kind of insinuated that we should meet up again, but he kept it quite vague. I decided to leave it with him, but he didn't really ask when I was available, so I found that quite difficult. I feel like it's mostly me asking to meet up. (The dinner on wednesday was because he asked to have dinner on the sunday before that but I couldn't so I proposed wednesday, meeting up on sunday was because I proposed it and the concert on friday was pretty much my proposal too I think). So out of insecurity I messaged him something today like "I'm not sure if it was on purpose that you didn't want to settle on a day to meet up again yesterday, so I feel a bit awkward asking this but... .Do you want to meet up sometime this week?" He didn't react well to that. Said I was making problems that weren't there. But we did agree on meeting up tomorrow. I regret sending that message to him. It was out of insecurity, but I know that he has told me on multiple occasions that I make problems that aren't there so that's why he's really annoyed by this I think. I'm scared I ruined something.

But, the problem is, I really don't know what he wants. Does he want this to become a relationship again, does he like me in that way, or does he just want the company and the intimacy without any of the troubles of a relationship? I really want to know this, but don't know how. Because I don't want to pressure him and I think that if I talk about these stuff too much I will surely push him away.

So, how to proceed? Any advice, any insights on the situation? And what do you mean by priority time?

[blooming]

Hi blooming.  Glad to see you pop up again.  well, not glad you're still in limbo, but glad you felt okay coming to talk about it.

When two people have different timelines in what they want in a relationship - things can be frustrating and hard.

This goes back to what I've mentioned in the past - be honest about what you want.

You're working on that, so good!

Now, think about WHEN you want it/need it. 

All relationships are in states of change, evaluation, growing, one person stepping ahead, or the other falling behind.  They are not static, not even ones where things have been in progress for decades (I kinda know).  :P

Give your self-check updates. 

In 2 weeks, honestly ask yourself, "Am I okay with what we have right now? Do I want to continue, or is it best to seek romance on another horizon?  Is he going so slow, so distant, so ambiguous compared to what I want that I feel so uncertain, so unhappy, so unfilled this is hurting me more than it's positive?" 

Yes I thought of something like that too! He is going on vacation for a week though, so maybe I should extend it to three weeks, to see how things are when he gets back. How much he contacts me when he's a way will probably say a lot too though, maybe. Currently that is kind of the way I'm feeling, what you describe. Although I don't feel ready yet to let go, I'm still hoping too much that thigns will change and that he will want to commit again.

If you make your choice  to stick around a little longer, stop asking him questions about it.  Just go with it.  Skip is right, treat this as a new relationship - you've both changes as people in the intermediate time between now and your initial break up.  Old Blooming is gone.  Old exBF is gone.
 Then when your "deadline" for self-evaluation pops up, think seriously, and decide if you want to "renew" your "rental" so to speak.

You are right, but it would just be very nice if he would give a little more confirmation that things are allright. Right now I feel like everything is just so uncertain, like he could just end things any minute if I do something wrong.

If you stick with it, if things get better, if you find yourself happier or more satisfied as things maybe get closer, you can stretch out your self-evaluations from weeks to months, and maybe even years. 

If you find that a few of these periods have passed and you've not gotten any happier, then you have amassed quite a bit of qualitative data that maybe you need to let him go his way, and you go yours, and maybe even using What's App is too much for to people who grew apart. 

Before texting and the internet, things were not this muddy - you broke up, you only saw each other now and then if you ended up at the same party.  You could heal.  You did not have to see/hear from them day to day.  It took an effort to see each other, and timing to even call each other.  Now, we are all so accessible, even people we don't feel strongly about can reach us in a moment.  Cutting the cord is harder, making breakups fuzzy, new dating fuzzy, and there is so much in between grey areas things are a mess for people these days.

I almost think if you'd broken up in the 1980s, you'd have maybe moved on a bit before he was able to try to contact you the first time, and you'd not be in limbo now.

Never think your problem of the day is too mundane.  It helps YOU to post, and helps you to talk to others as you can.  It's good to chime in even if all you can share at that moment is "I've been through that, too!"  It helps validate all of us at times, as we deal with a lot of things that are hard to communicate outside those with BPD experiences. 

Yes I do think things would've been easier if reaching out wasn't as easy for him as it is now. I just don't understand him. Why would he want to contact me and put so much effort in convincing me to see him and then when he has convinced me start becoming more distant and letting me take the lead (at least that's what it feels like) and not show a lot of affection. But he probably doesn't understand himself either.

And thank you for saying that, that helps. I will try to not feel bad about posting and to react more to what others are going through, I do read a lot though, I just don't post comment.

[Radcliff]

I just don't want to bore other members with my problems, I feel like they have far bigger issues that need more attention than mine.

Many of us remember being exactly where you are at.  You matter to us.  Relationships are among the most important things we do.  Concerns like the ones you are bringing are the reason this place exists.  We are glad you are here.  Keep coming back.

WW

[blooming]

Many of us remember being exactly where you are at.  You matter to us.  Relationships are among the most important things we do.  Concerns like the ones you are bringing are the reason this place exists.  We are glad you are here.  Keep coming back.

WW

Thank you Wentworth, that's really nice of you to say!