She contacted me after 6 months of NC

[Cire155]

My exBPD gf reached out to me out the blue at 1 am through text. It seems like some people in the forum got it right. They will always try to come back in some sort of fashion. I had since deleted her number and thanks to modern technology, I never memorized her number.

I asked " Who is this?" and she replies " Sorry I must have a wrong number I was texting *my name* my apologies have a good night".

I said its me and she goes into the whole not being able to talk to me until now thing. I allow her to talk and she goes into how things ended and she mentions how things got physical when we broke up.

If you read my first post you will see she hit me with a door and I pushed her shoulder and told her to watch herself. I can see her texts trying to pass blame to me (still) and not accepting her faults for being physical first.

We kept texting back and forth about good times and I got hints from her that she might want to rekindle something again.

I thought about bringing up some bad parts of what happened with us and ask why this and that. The best part about it was I really didn't care anymore. I needed no affirmation from her whatsoever. Here was a woman who put me through the WORST relationship break up of my life that had life changing effects on me almost 6 months ago and I have zero care.

She even wanted to see about meeting up. I told her I would need time before I could see her in person. I didn't mention I had been seeing someone because she doesn't need to know any parts of my life anymore. I honestly don't plan on seeing her and I just wanted to keep things nice and cordial.

I could feel the BPD in her text and it was something I don't want to be a part of again. I immediately wanted to share this with everyone here who is going through that feeling of waiting and hoping for your ex to contact you back. The looking at your phone hoping they would leave whoever they are with and come back to you. Wishing they would realize the mistake they made and run back into your arms. That was the way I felt before and I could never be with her again now.

Here are some things I took away from this text exchange:

1. The mental illness she has is real and it will never change because she still can't face the reality of her own faults. Playing the role of victim and not admitting any of her wrong doings is not acceptable.

2. This call felt like someone trying to reach out because something on their end wasn't going good. I'm wise enough to know that I'm in a good place now. I still care about her as a person but nothing more.

3. The power of NC is underrated. I took time to work on myself and I truly did. I did not break contact. I saw a therapist and got my self esteem back. I put the work in and didn't waiver.

If you are struggling with this seek the help you need. Private message someone and ask them to give you the push you need to get yourself better.

I think we fail to realize this is about us more than it is about them. Put the time in to self improve and not give them the power. It's not easy and there is nothing wrong with setbacks. I read a lot of posts of people getting down on themselves. DON'T! It will get better

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cire155,

Thanks for sharing your latest news. It sounds like you have successfully detached from the relationship and learned a lot in the process. Good going. 

I thought about bringing up some bad parts of what happened with us and ask why this and that.

I'm glad you decided against this. It probably would have gone nowhere and opened up bad feelings again.

I can understand why you feel NC in underrated. It was a tool that helped me, too. I think where the disconnect lies sometimes is that members equate NC with recovery. It's not the recovery, as you know—you had to work hard to get where you are—it's just a tool that gives us time and space to rebalance our minds and hearts, and work on our own issues.

If you are struggling with this seek the help you need.

Great advice!

heartandwhole

[Cire155]

Hi Cire155,

Thanks for sharing your latest news. It sounds like you have successfully detached from the relationship and learned a lot in the process. Good going. 

I'm glad you decided against this. It probably would have gone nowhere and opened up bad feelings again.

I can understand why you feel NC in underrated. It was a tool that helped me, too. I think where the disconnect lies sometimes is that members equate NC with recovery. It's not the recovery, as you know—you had to work hard to get where you are—it's just a tool that gives us time and space to rebalance our minds and hearts, and work on our own issues.

Great advice!

heartandwhole

Thanks. I like the term you used REBALANCE. It is exactly what was needed. I worked hard because it was killing my health and work.

[Pencil sketch]

Stories like this, are what it is all about.
No fireworks, drama, just a person, finally realising his own worth, and being able to firmly close the door, without all the drama that brought them here.
Proud of you my friend

[Cire155]

Stories like this, are what it is all about.
No fireworks, drama, just a person, finally realising his own worth, and being able to firmly close the door, without all the drama that brought them here.
Proud of you my friend

Thanks Sketch. This only thing I think about it how you have to be in our shoes to make any sense of the experience you get from being with a person like this. It seems unreal. Talking with my friends, it's natural to have them take your side and be biased based on friendship. When someone understands and has a similar experience, it makes it easier to talk about it. That helped me a whole lot

[gotbushels]

Wow! Hi Cire155   

Spectacular sharing--thank you.

... .I can see her texts trying to pass blame to me (still) and not accepting her faults for being physical first.

I dealt with violence too.

I needed no affirmation from her whatsoever. Here was a woman who put me through the WORST relationship break up of my life that had life changing effects on me almost 6 months ago ... .
... .
I didn't mention I had been seeing someone because she doesn't need to know any parts of my life anymore.

1. The mental illness she has is real ... .

2. This call felt like someone trying to reach out because something on their end wasn't going good. I'm wise enough to know that I'm in a good place now. I still care about her as a person but nothing more.

3. ... .I took time to work on myself and I truly did. I did not break contact. I saw a therapist and got my self esteem back. I put the work in and didn't waiver.
... .
If you are struggling with this seek the help you need.

I worked hard because it was killing my health and work.

Great connection here. Me too, part of what helped me get out was becoming accustomed to the fact that the relationship with this person was detrimental to my other goals.

I hope you're enjoying your peace. 

[once removed]

They will always try to come back in some sort of fashion.

im not sure that this is a "BPD thing". when a relationship ends badly, one or both parties tends to want to rewrite the ending on a better note, feel good about themselves, and each other. sometimes its a good way to bring closure. sometimes nerves/emotions are still a bit raw.

she goes into how things ended and she mentions how things got physical when we broke up.

... .

I can see her texts trying to pass blame to me (still) and not accepting her faults for being physical first.

this is definitely a pretty touchy subject. is it really about fault or who did what to whom first?

I thought about bringing up some bad parts of what happened with us and ask why this and that. The best part about it was I really didn't care anymore.

if you really didnt care, why go down that road?

my point isnt to suggest you really do care; ill take your word for it. from 30000 feet up, i see two people who wanted to end things on a better note, but still had a lot of hurt underneath, and each wanted their hurt validated. what transpired seems like relitigating the same issues from the relationship.

what do you think? how do you see what happened?

[Cire155]

im not sure that this is a "BPD thing". when a relationship ends badly, one or both parties tends to want to rewrite the ending on a better note, feel good about themselves, and each other. sometimes its a good way to bring closure. sometimes nerves/emotions are still a bit raw.

this is definitely a pretty touchy subject. is it really about fault or who did what to whom first?

if you really didnt care, why go down that road?

my point isnt to suggest you really do care; ill take your word for it. from 30000 feet up, i see two people who wanted to end things on a better note, but still had a lot of hurt underneath, and each wanted their hurt validated. what transpired seems like relitigating the same issues from the relationship.

what do you think? how do you see what happened?

I think she only came back and contacted me because her new source of supply has left her or she has grown bored with him. This was definitely a charm. Don't know if you have read my story before but she ended up looking like the hurt little victim and I was the bad guy. I doubt she needs closure but you could be right. Who really knows.
I'm happy on the way things ended because they ended. I can't put the whole text on here but she basically tried to play victim and bringing up a physical altercation that didn't happen the way she is describing. This was the only thing she was mentioning and made this the specific reason why we ended. Which is not true. Her old texts when we first broke up specified my words hurt her because I brought up something in her past that was so hurtful and depressing. She said that she could never trust me because of that and that is the reason we ended. So when I say I felt like bringing up the bad stuff, I meant as in my defense to this inaccurate account of why we broke up and to maker her see the reality of the events. So instead I just let her be and be cool with the fact she was never going to admit it and by this time who cares. So I never brought up and I didn't go down that road.
Not a touchy subject for me. She tried to hit my face with a door and I block it with my hand. I pushed her shoulder and told her to watch herself.
Does it matter who do what to whom first? YES. Because I'm a business professional and all it takes is one false accusation of domestic violence and I could lose my job. I wasn't going to let her spread lies of what happened and dismiss the fact she violently swung a door at me to injure me. Her saying it got physical was removing what she did and focused on my push to her shoulder. So when she text this, I replied yes I pushed your shoulder after you tried to hit me in the face with a door and blocked it with my arm. I wish I could screenshot the text to give you a better idea.
The text back and forth was primarily her mentioning she loved me which she never said those words in our relationship ever. The good times we had and that she hated the way things ended and I was an awesome guy except for the one moment. A moment she can never get past (cue the violin) because she feared herself dying by my hands or her killing herself (exact words from her last text). Your last part of "wanted their hurt validated" was me 5 months ago when I was stuck in a fog.

[once removed]

So when I say I felt like bringing up the bad stuff, I meant as in my defense to this inaccurate account of why we broke up and to maker her see the reality of the events.

one thing i learned from my relationship is that two people can have two very different realities. one may not be an accurate version of events, but both have a different basis in terms of perspective, processing, experience, and of course down the road, it can be subject to change.

i know my ex and i had very different perspectives when it came to why we broke up, and seemingly, even who broke up with whom. hers may not be factual (mine may not be factual) but the fact is its very real to us. its also true that both of us probably see things differently today than we did at the time.

arguing about the events that transpired, trying to make each other see each others realities, thats what i mean by relitigating the old relationship issues. at a certain point, we want to let that go.

I wish I could screenshot the text to give you a better idea.

do you want to type it up? we can work through it here.

[Turkish]

Everyone needs to be safe.  You are now.  It sounds like you can't trust that you would be safe around her,  yes?

[Cire155]

Everyone needs to be safe.  You are now.  It sounds like you can't trust that you would be safe around her,  yes?

I don't trust her illness. I think she has amnesia to all the terrible things she has done to me and made herself be the victim in her text. I honestly think she believes her lies are reality. I don't want to be trapped in her warped reality and have her accuse me of doing something and police are involved and I'm trying to prove my innocence. I have no desire to contact her and I blocked her as well.