BPD Mother with terminal diagnosis wants me to move

[Spring Iris]

Hi all,
I posted for the first time a couple of weeks ago.
I live in a different country to my mother. She has a terminal diagnosis, and the prognosis is short. On our last trip there, she asked if we could move back to be with her for two years.
There are many good reasons to live there (my hometown) and not here, (due to other issues) but the thought of changing my life for her really sent me into a crazy tail spin. I've tried so hard to establish my own life, far away. Our relationship slowly has improved over the years, and the distance has helped.

Yet I also can see that she's suffering, and lonely, and I and my sister are the only ones who think about her care. My sister still lives there, and she is much more enmeshed, and in my opinion, codependent- and consequently angry much of the time. I also feel I am resented by her (unconciously) for having "escaped".

I don't think I can uproot my whole family, (my husband is much closer to his ageing parents) but I do feel an obligation, as her oldest daughter, to help her finish her life with dignity.  It's hard to know what to do. My goal is for there to be peace, to find some forgiveness, and my priority is for my own family.

I'm wondering if anyone out there has experience dealing with BPD parents and taking care of them towards the end of their lives.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having to deal with the pain of having a BPD mother who is at the end of her life. I too have a BPD mother who will be gone in the next few years, and I have lived far away from her for years.  My brother who is codependent lives with her and frequently gets angry: the last couple of years, he seems to be increasingly projecting his anger onto me. I often think I would like to move closer to mom to help out, yet I know that the abuse will just escalate and I will not receive the love and respect I would like to have. I would so much love to have had a mother that I could love and cherish, and could share some loving moments with before she dies.
There is really no good solution to all of this. Based on what I have experienced, and I know that your experience is unique and special, I think that moving back to your hometown could result in there being more melt downs from your sister and mother, and more bad memories to live with. If you come and visit more often, you can keep better boundaries, and it will likely be easier for you. When you visit, you can take side trips to experience some relief. Whatever you decide, do what is best for you right now and for the future. Everyone is different, and some people in this situation just want to be there, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, and you are the one that knows what feels right for you.
Keep us posted and let us know how we can help!

[FoxC]

Hello there Spring Iris,  I can surely understand the pain and struggles you are going through. It's a tough one. Not that I can relate to your situation, but I know what it is when you want to share your love with someone this close as your own mother and not being allowed to, being pulled in, then pushed off, it's exhausting and wearing you off. My own relationship with my mother is a total chaos right now, so I'm not of a big expert on this and I need a lot to learn. I'd say, when dealing with a person with BPD it's not the quantity of time spent together that would make a deal, but the quality. If you think being this close to her would push your buttons constantly and made a chaos, it's not worth it, neither to you, neither to your mother. If possible, less is sometimes better. As long as you both can enjoy your time together it's great, but if it starts to go downhill, maybe it is better to take a pause. Of course, I'd like to be able to do this myself, but it's hard, I know. Take care, my friend, I wish you all the happiness, you deserve it.

[Spring Iris]

Thanks for the support. I am just trying to juggle everything and it's exhausting. My mother is lonely and has alienated many of her friends - and this week I have realised that  I don't see how changing my life and moving back is going to actually help her. Let alone the upheaval in my own life- my family also needs me. 
That's a good point, FoxC, about quality vs quantity- shorter visits seem to work much better. Less is certainly more! Right now she is not needing daily help, so it's not urgent I figure this out right away.
Zachira, I so relate to wanting "that mother"! I think this might be where the "radical acceptance" has to come in... .