Crazy favoritism

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My father's family is notorious for how certain children are life long favorites and others life long scapegoats. My sister has had over 20 birthday parties given by the family, whereas many of us have never had a family birthday party. I was just talking to my cousin who out of nowhere starts raving about the carrot cake my sister gave her for Christmas. My cousin seems to have to gush over my sister in every conversation I have with her. It is all just plain crazy, and I have reconciled myself to this it is how it is, and will always be. Does anyone have any stories they want to share about the favoritism in their family?

[zachira]

My father's family is notorious for how certain children are life long favorites and others life long scapegoats. My sister has had over 20 birthday parties given by the family, whereas many of us have never had a family birthday party. I was just talking to my cousin who out of nowhere starts raving about the carrot cake my sister gave her for Christmas. My cousin seems to have to gush over my sister in every conversation I have with her. It is all just plain crazy, and I have reconciled myself to this it is how it is, and will always be. Does anyone have any stories they want to share about the favoritism in their family?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Zachira,
 
It is infuriating being the scapegoat, I’m guessing you know you’re describing classic triangulation. With triangulation those that aren’t the scapegoat tend to shore up the dynamic (like your cousin), because they’re scared it would be them if not you. Often this is an unconscious move on their part. So the solution is to step out of that dynamic. I was bullied at home, but never outside the home. Yet my NPD bullying brother was always bullied outside the home.

I won a major competition as a child, I was scolded for making my brother jealous and banned from going. He was given money, he was often given money for very little reason, when me and my sister got nothing. The excuse was normally he’s the oldest or we’d made him jealous. To the outside world he’s a huge loser , a loner.  He has a very dysfunctional form of NPD, yet he was still the golden child.

[zachira]

Happy Chappy. Thank you for sharing your story and for understanding mine. It is just unbelievable how sometimes most of the relatives  participate in this insanity. You are right about my cousin. She scapegoats all kinds of extended family members, including her great nephew, because she is afraid of being the scapegoat. My brother and sister have done the same thing with me. It always helps to understand  the insecurities behind all the bad behavior. Yes, the favorites, like my sister, are narcissistic, and I really sometimes think the favorites are often more damaged than the scapegoats. My sister will never ask why she is the favorite, and indeed seems to think she deserves it. I don't think she has any friends outside the family because of her need to be number one all the time.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Zachira, 

Have you ever seen the newer version of Cinderella put out by Disney a year or two ago? To me it is a reminder of the classic scapegoat, as well as a story of my life and I'm sure many others here. It's a beautiful movie though, and I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it.

In my own life with having an uBPDm, I struggle sometimes now as an adult to figure out who was the scapegoat in my family. Sometimes the scapegoat changed. As I read more about it, I have come to realize that I was often the scapegoat. I lived 1200 miles away from my uBPDm, and because I didn't "need" her like my siblings who lived close by, she gave them thousands of dollars over the years. I was fortunate to have her purchase the material for a quilt for me when I was down visiting one year. She gave her money to them, and because I never wanted to move closer to her, I was not bought. Too many strings attached, but yes, I was aware and it still hurt too.

As you live your day to day life, does it bother you that you seem to be left out or is it mostly when others remind you of it? Most of the time I'm okay with how things turned out, the radical acceptance idea, but sometimes it does help to grieve the truth of what we lost.

 
Wools