Confused, hurt and don't know if I should support him or leave...

[fac419]

Things are very inflamed and delicate right now... .I feel in way over my head and need help!My BPD partner of two years has progressively become more aggressive, lost, fearful, enraged, sarcastic, in pain. He's attacked and cut off my entire family and his family, having become distortedly irate about things I believe most would find 'annoying' at most. He's now made me the target of his hatred and blames me for all the misery he's experienced since moving states to be with me two years ago. It's plain to see the misery is perpetuated by his perceptions and reactions.

We have a beautiful nine month old daughter who I am beginning to fear will be affected by his erratic and damaging behaviours. I have so much empathy for his situation and pain, which is making it hard for me to know when to create distance or leave him. He is triggered violently when I spend a night in the city visiting friends or family... .sometimes within 10 minutes he's sending me abusive or sarcastic or controlling messages and does not relent until I return home a day or more later. I feel unsafe with him and unsafe away from him. He's also smoking very strong weed all day... .he's committed to going to a two week detox soon to quit weed however I'm not sure how we will get through in the interim with things the way they are.

His brain is a terrible mess... .I am not angry at him nor blame him for his condition or even the way he's reacting, I simply can't allow for my child or myself to be further damaged by his aggressive ways. Should I hold on til after detox? Is there hope? Are there success stories? Or should I channel more energy into protecting myself and my child and gently break free with loving compassion? I've tried all approchaes from supporting actively to standing right back to super-gentle to firm and direct. Nothing seems to permeate his defences or his self-preservation efforts. He also seems totally devoid of empathy toward me or our child re how his yelling and slandering affects us. Any advice from others with easily-triggered, angry and blaming and irrational BPD partners? He is seeming more delusional by the day and I am so so lost!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

My heart goes out to you.

Hang in there, you are in the right place!

Listen, read, share here.
There are caring people who share your story.

People w BPD are special people.  I love my b/f w untreated BPD.  He believes he is o.k.

Anyway, the best I can do is give myself excellent self care:  sharing w a safe friend who won't judge me.  My family and friends dont help, they just want me to be happy, they want me to be done w him.

So I choose carefully the one person I can go to to share.  I have to vent sometimes.  It may be a therapist familiar w BPD, it may be a trusted friend.

And also, it is important to do self care, what makes me happy?  Do I need to go to the movies, enjoy a meal out, buy myself a new outfit?  what would be something good for myself now?

I cannot stress enough the importance of self care, especially when in a crisis.

Also, I write things in my journal, it lets me get them out of my head.

I also go to al anon.

I work 12 steps and have a sponsor.  It is a wonderful support.

This is a lot of information.

Read, share, pause.

Be good to yourself.

There is hope, help. Here.

Caring and love to you,

j

[SunandMoon]

Hi Fac419 and welcome!

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether with your partner's behaviour. It is really hard to know what to do sometimes, particularly with a young child to think of, too.

This is the improving board and 'run messages' are not allowed, so no one will tell you whether you should go or stay. That is ultimately a decision only you can make.

There are ways to improve living with a person with BPD (pwBPD) and these involve learning how to stop conflict from escalating, validating and empathy, learning not to be invalidating, and more. All of these skills are available on this website (on the right side of the page and up the top under "lessons".

They take time to learn and put into practice but they do make a world of difference eventually.

For example, in your situation with the abusive texts when you go to stay with friends, boundaries would be an appropriate solution. There's a good discussion here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

I hope your partner follows through on the detox programme. Although this doesn't address the BPD behaviours, he might have the opportunity for counselling, self regulation and other skills that can help, depending on how good the programme is.

However, in the long run, only you can decide how much effort you're prepared to put in to this and whether there is enough hope for you.

We know it's hard... .I wish there was an easy answer   

[Tattered Heart]

Hi fac419,

Welcome

I'd like to join SunandMoon and juju in telling you I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's so difficult to watch our pwBPD begin to spiral out of control. Has something happened recently that has added more stress to his life?

When he starts to send abusive texts, what do you do?

When he starts to yell at you, can you leave the house?

Detoxing from weed could cause him to escalate his behavior more as the pot may be what helps him maintain control. If he is an all day everyday user, it could take 30-45 days to get it completely out of his system. Is detoxing from it something he wants to do? Does it think it will help him? Would inpatient rehab be an option?