Separated but living together?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, does anybody have any experience with living with a BPD ex-spouse while working out the separation - for a long period of time?

My husband was diagnosed with BPD after about two years of us being together (we have been together for about six years, now). Things happened between us very quickly: we have a four year old boy and one more on the way, as I am about five months pregnant. Our whole relationship has been filled with conflict. I would call him a high-functioning BPD, but the mood swings and meanness are what get me the most. Whenever there has been a problem that we have had to deal with, I kid you not, it has been my 'fault', whether that involved landlords, debt, etc. And I am a 'fix-it' person, so there is this part of me that feels the guilt, even when I know it is not warranted.

Many of our arguments are started by me as much as him, as I can lose it because of the way he has been talking to me (tone of voice), etc, and we have had awful arguments, calling each other names, behaviour that I am ashamed to recall. We have managed to keep the worst of it away from our four year old son, especially now, but I still am wracked with guilt at the conflict (not violence) that he has seen. 

I see, looking back, that I have been attracted to and had relationships with a number of guys who really had 'greater than normal issues' of some sort (addictions, usually), and I guess that means I am pretty codependent, right? After six years of our arguing, and the frequent "we should break up/I don't want to be with you" arguments (actually from both of us - does this mean I have my own BPD traits?), we are at the stage now where I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this and I want my children to see what a healthy relationship can be like. Since we got pregnant, it has gotten even worse. Maybe it is the hormones, I don't know, but it seems like I can't gloss over how things are and it depresses me greatly. It was the same with my first pregnancy. Now I feel like I have spent the past years in denial, but I guess I always thought that maybe it would get better, and in a way, it did. It is just that I think there is so much resentment there now, from me and I am sure from him, that I don't think I can ever get over it.

Just in terms of a marriage, I feel like I am missing out greatly. There is no real friendship, very little affection, we don't spend time together, and there haven't been sexual relations for months, although he is often telling me how sexually frustrated he is. I could cry when I see other couples holding hands or even just hanging out together, going for walks.

The last straw for me is that, since we moved overseas, almost three years ago, he has actually brought up the fact that I didn't lose the last six-seven kgs of baby weight, after our first child, and - I can't believe I am writing this - there have even been times where we have been travelling and he has almost gotten depressed, or at least very moody, because he sees so many attractive women and I hadn't lost all my baby weight. This has continued to be something that has been brought up, every now and then, with him saying that he wants to be attracted to his wife, etc. And he tells me that I was blind before, not admitting that I was overweight (kind of true) but as if this was some big character flaw on my part. Let's forget the fact that I had a newborn baby, and then we ended up moving overseas with me working full-time (him at home), etc. etc.

This is obviously not the only problem that we have ever had, but it is a particularly sensitive one for me, as I have struggled with body image and disordered eating since I was a teenager. When we met, yes, my weight was at a pretty comfortable one for me, but when I have shared this stuff with friends, they have all been horrified at the way my husband has expressed this stuff to me. It has really made me think that actually, ___, he just really doesn't love me. He tells me that I am beautiful, and I know that there are men attracted to me, but this has really messed with my self-esteem.

I guess it is just the final straw for me, because it feels like such a betrayal. In a way, he has worked on himself a lot over the past few years, but he has never really done the whole husband thing that willingly. There have always been times when he would sleep in the spare room for days at a time and he can be so critical about the way I do things. I often feel under scrutiny, rather than feeling safe or secure. He is a great father, thank God, but I don't want us to stay together until the point where our children really remember their parents being together. I feel like, if we can co-parent in a healthy way, then the kids will be better off having two parents who are apart but who love them. And I am just really unhappy. So unhappy. I have had my own struggles with Depression, etc., and I think we are really a bad match. I react badly to his moods - it is not really in me to not stand up to for myself, if I feel like I am being spoken to rudely.

So, now, what do we do? We have talked a few times about him moving out, but we want to go back to our home country when the baby is a year old (financially, it is better to stay here during that time and I will get no maternity pay if I go back home. He also wants to do his second year at his workplace.)

At the moment, I am wondering if it is just possible to live in the same house but live separately, as politely as possible, but not as a couple. We have even just cancelled a holiday together, which I feel is a big step towards admitting that we need to separate.

We have agreed, a few times, that the most important thing is that the children get to see both their parents as much as possible. I feel like I could live in the same neighbourhood as him but not be married. I just don't want the kids to miss out.

I am sorry for this super-long posting. I suppose I just wanted to be heard. And if you have gotten to the end of it, I appreciate it! Reading through some of the postings, I recognised so much of our relationship here that it made me feel a little less crazy, but I also wonder if I am strong enough to actually leave. Eventually.

If anybody has anything to share, many thanks in advance.

[motheroftwo]

Hi, does anybody have any experience with living with a BPD ex-spouse while working out the separation - for a long period of time?

My husband was diagnosed with BPD after about two years of us being together (we have been together for about six years, now). Things happened between us very quickly: we have a four year old boy and one more on the way, as I am about five months pregnant. Our whole relationship has been filled with conflict. I would call him a high-functioning BPD, but the mood swings and meanness are what get me the most. Whenever there has been a problem that we have had to deal with, I kid you not, it has been my 'fault', whether that involved landlords, debt, etc. And I am a 'fix-it' person, so there is this part of me that feels the guilt, even when I know it is not warranted.

Many of our arguments are started by me as much as him, as I can lose it because of the way he has been talking to me (tone of voice), etc, and we have had awful arguments, calling each other names, behaviour that I am ashamed to recall. We have managed to keep the worst of it away from our four year old son, especially now, but I still am wracked with guilt at the conflict (not violence) that he has seen. 

I see, looking back, that I have been attracted to and had relationships with a number of guys who really had 'greater than normal issues' of some sort (addictions, usually), and I guess that means I am pretty codependent, right? After six years of our arguing, and the frequent "we should break up/I don't want to be with you" arguments (actually from both of us - does this mean I have my own BPD traits?), we are at the stage now where I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this and I want my children to see what a healthy relationship can be like. Since we got pregnant, it has gotten even worse. Maybe it is the hormones, I don't know, but it seems like I can't gloss over how things are and it depresses me greatly. It was the same with my first pregnancy. Now I feel like I have spent the past years in denial, but I guess I always thought that maybe it would get better, and in a way, it did. It is just that I think there is so much resentment there now, from me and I am sure from him, that I don't think I can ever get over it.

Just in terms of a marriage, I feel like I am missing out greatly. There is no real friendship, very little affection, we don't spend time together, and there haven't been sexual relations for months, although he is often telling me how sexually frustrated he is. I could cry when I see other couples holding hands or even just hanging out together, going for walks.

The last straw for me is that, since we moved overseas, almost three years ago, he has actually brought up the fact that I didn't lose the last six-seven kgs of baby weight, after our first child, and - I can't believe I am writing this - there have even been times where we have been travelling and he has almost gotten depressed, or at least very moody, because he sees so many attractive women and I hadn't lost all my baby weight. This has continued to be something that has been brought up, every now and then, with him saying that he wants to be attracted to his wife, etc. And he tells me that I was blind before, not admitting that I was overweight (kind of true) but as if this was some big character flaw on my part. Let's forget the fact that I had a newborn baby, and then we ended up moving overseas with me working full-time (him at home), etc. etc.

This is obviously not the only problem that we have ever had, but it is a particularly sensitive one for me, as I have struggled with body image and disordered eating since I was a teenager. When we met, yes, my weight was at a pretty comfortable one for me, but when I have shared this stuff with friends, they have all been horrified at the way my husband has expressed this stuff to me. It has really made me think that actually, ___, he just really doesn't love me. He tells me that I am beautiful, and I know that there are men attracted to me, but this has really messed with my self-esteem.

I guess it is just the final straw for me, because it feels like such a betrayal. In a way, he has worked on himself a lot over the past few years, but he has never really done the whole husband thing that willingly. There have always been times when he would sleep in the spare room for days at a time and he can be so critical about the way I do things. I often feel under scrutiny, rather than feeling safe or secure. He is a great father, thank God, but I don't want us to stay together until the point where our children really remember their parents being together. I feel like, if we can co-parent in a healthy way, then the kids will be better off having two parents who are apart but who love them. And I am just really unhappy. So unhappy. I have had my own struggles with Depression, etc., and I think we are really a bad match. I react badly to his moods - it is not really in me to not stand up to for myself, if I feel like I am being spoken to rudely.

So, now, what do we do? We have talked a few times about him moving out, but we want to go back to our home country when the baby is a year old (financially, it is better to stay here during that time and I will get no maternity pay if I go back home. He also wants to do his second year at his workplace.)

At the moment, I am wondering if it is just possible to live in the same house but live separately, as politely as possible, but not as a couple. We have even just cancelled a holiday together, which I feel is a big step towards admitting that we need to separate.

We have agreed, a few times, that the most important thing is that the children get to see both their parents as much as possible. I feel like I could live in the same neighbourhood as him but not be married. I just don't want the kids to miss out.

I am sorry for this super-long posting. I suppose I just wanted to be heard. And if you have gotten to the end of it, I appreciate it! Reading through some of the postings, I recognised so much of our relationship here that it made me feel a little less crazy, but I also wonder if I am strong enough to actually leave. Eventually.

If anybody has anything to share, many thanks in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[randomuser94]

I've had the same behaviour from my exBPD. THey are so good at putting things in your head, making yourself doubt at every step and making you feel miserable. It took me months to realise that I'm nothing from what she put in my head.
   First of all I would like to adress the biggest problem from what I've read in your story. There is nothing wrong with you. True love is accepting the partner as he is, moving forwards together and improving together. Sadly with a BPD the love is 1sided, I've learned it the hard way as well. You will never be good enough or beautiful enough for them no mater how much you try.
 
  I've stayed with my ex when her first cycle started. She broke up with me for not beeing enough for her etc. After a while she came back and asked me to continue our relation when the cycle ended. I didn't knew back then about her BPD and accepted. I went back into the honeymoon. She added more and more insults with every week. I belived every word in her mouth.  I got to the point where she was a perfect godess and i was a peasent when actually it was the other way arround. I've realised that I don't need her to be happy, it's the other way arround.

(i have to leave work, i will write you soon the rest)

[wellwellwell]

Welcome, and I am so sorry that you're in this situation.

I spent most of my marriage to my unBPDXW identifying my own flaws and faults at length. Diagnoses, family challenges, the works. The insight was useful then, and it is still useful to me now, two years on from the separation. But it's only useful to me and my own life. Sadly, the nature of BPD meant that what I thought were efforts to acknowledge my own vulnerabilities made no difference at all to the health of my marriage or my then wife. Both deteriorated. I now know that there wasn't anything I could do. that brings me sadness, but, slowly, some clarity.

I always felt that I was living as 'separated but living together'. She spent most of the last three years in the spare room, having slammed the door in anger. I didn't cope with that well (who would, you know?), but I'm blaming myself less for that now (it takes time). I lost my temper, said things I regretted, and didn't look after myself. But I lost my temper a bare fraction of the times she did, and said nothing on the scale of her comments (I never called her evil or dark... .). Now, I feel that the one person I really neglected was me.

So, while I don't want to assume anything about your situation, I do want to say that you're in the right place. It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself. Even if the situation looks impossible, try to recognize the incredible things you've done to try to manage an overwhelming situation.

Others will have better advice on specific strategies, I'm sure. I just wanted to say hello, and please keep writing here. Good luck.

[tlc232]

Welcome motheroftwo! 

What a long journey and (as others have said) very typical of many stories with partners that share many of the same issues at varying degrees.   

I have to ask (having come from a home that I had wished my parents had divorced rather than stayed together --- it is that uncomfortable for the children to see a not functioning relationship) -- why is it so important to stay together?   The kids are very small and it would seem the best time to make the adjustment and find someone that you truly deserve.   For all of you!

Welcome, welcome!   Lots of good info and material... .and mostly great people... .here!

[randomuser94]

Never neglect yourself. I did this mistake and now I regret it. I gave so much from me and my identity that i got the the point where I wasn't able to recognize myself.

I think that living for a while is acceptable as long as you don't have feelings for him.

[motheroftwo]

Hi, thank you all for your feedback. I have always felt very alone and it is comforting to hear from others. It can be very consuming, especially as it never ends, you know?

In some ways, it is a bit depressing, because, as I read through these boards, I realise that my 'happily ever after' is never going to happen, is it? That is hard to adjust to.

Regarding why we are staying together now, there are a few reasons. We are in a foreign country and I will be eligible for paid maternity leave for a year after the baby is born, whereas I will receive nothing if we went home before then. It would also mean my husband would be leaving his job after only a year in it, and we both think it would be best for him to stay for two years. Maybe none of these reasons seem strong enough, but we don't hate each other. I am very angry and resentful at him, but I think there is love there on both parts, and if I can get used to the idea of him not being the husband I want him to be, then I think we can co-exist. When we go back home, I have already said to him that I don't see us living together. I don't know how serious he thinks I am (and sometimes I get very scared about how this will work, financially), but he has also told me, quite a few times over the past few months, that he doesn't want to be with me. Sometimes he says that this is because of his diagnosis and he says things when he is angry. But there is a part of me that is starting to think, well, too bad!  You said it and I am going to take it at face value.

I am not sure that I can ever see us working. How do people move past the resentment of being hurt so many times? I feel like I would  always in a state of anxiety, waiting to be hurt again. 

[wellwellwell]

In some ways, it is a bit depressing, because, as I read through these boards, I realise that my 'happily ever after' is never going to happen, is it? That is hard to adjust to.

... .

I am not sure that I can ever see us working. How do people move past the resentment of being hurt so many times? I feel like I would  always in a state of anxiety, waiting to be hurt again. 

I'm sorry you're feeling that. It's hard to explain the change since I felt trapped by those feelings, but my attempt would be this: I've become someone who's looking for 'happy ever now', and from here my own hopes pre-split look like desperate attempts to mitigate the turbulence and neglect I just sort of thought was all I deserved at the time, even if I'd never have admitted it even to myself. I certainly wasn't someone with low self-esteem, I just hadn't understood how much choice I had in how I was treated by other people.

I see that you refer to you both deciding what would be best for him (i.e. to stay for two years). Four years ago I moved out for a couple of months - my ex used to leave fairly often as part of the recycling. I told everyone that I wanted to make sure that the misdiagnosed condition didn't get any worse and that she didn't commit suicide. I did the same thing the next year... .Part of me wants to scream at my old self 'but you? what about you?'... .I found a thousand reasons to stay, and slowly became the parent in the relationship. I had very serious financial reasons to stay, too. I would never dispute the importance of that. But what I realized is that it wasn't that I couldn't leave, but I was too scared to. I now know that I would have found a way to survive. Please don't take any of this as a criticism. I know exactly how hard it is when you take the relationship seriously.

I still worry about trusting other people. Forming a new relationship has just not been possible yet. Most of the time I just don't feel safe. I also assume I'm going to be hurt, and it holds me back. And I've been hurt, and probably hurt people, too. But I'm still here, and I'm in charge of that, even if I'm not in complete control. I still feel the way you've described some days. Most of the time I, can find some new place inside that's safe.

I mean no judgment on who you are or who you want to be, I'm just trying to say that there other ways to live, and I don't think I'd change what I have now for a 'successful' version of what I had. I'm getting used to life being more work than it was, and I mind a little bit less about that each month.

[tlc232]

wellwellwell -- How long have you been separated this most recent? 

[wellwellwell]

wellwellwell -- How long have you been separated this most recent? 

About eighteen months NC, and that was shortly after the divorce went through. I've written elsewhere her about how useful the 'don't set a time limit' advice was back then. It's been damn hard. Just to make this relevant to your fears, motheroftwo, there has been growth and understanding about me in my own life that could never have happened while I was just trying to live as best I could around the ex.

The weirdest feeling is not really knowing what a healthy relationship is. Too much trial and error for me now, but with the right person that could be fun, you know?

[tlc232]

motheroftwo -- Hope you are finding some good input here as you make your way through things.  Perhaps even looking at the other boards  (fixing a relationship, etc) may be of help too.   Welcome to the board -- lots of warm hearts, great advice, and I hope to hear things improving for you from where you are.