How do I help her actually live

[engineer]

Ok, since I finally accepted that my wife has BPD a few weeks ago I have had two sessions with my counselor on the topic, I have read everything I could find online about it, and I have read hundreds of posts here.  It's been a serious crash course for me.

Life has been pretty darn calm the past couple of weeks.  A few little upsets, but for the most part things are better.  My wife is even pretty happy.

I have gained a massive amount of empathy for my wife's situation... .and that is where my question begins.

She moved in with me one year ago, with plans of living a grand life of travel and experiences with me.  I was aware that she had spent the past 30 years of her life living alone.  I was aware that she had barely been able to hold a job.  I was aware that she almost never left her apartment for the entire time we were dating... .in fact she only left when she was forced to because she needed to go to the grocery store, and those trips were very, very short.

I have also observed from reading posts here that it seems lots of others' BPD partners are also stuck at home.  "How is it possible that such a high percentage of the people on this board are homeschooling?" was the first thing that popped into my head.  Well... .if my wife and I had kids I can guarantee she would suggest homeschooling as a way to alleviate her own feelings of inadequacy.  So, my point is that I'm pretty sure it's my wife's BPD that prevents her from leaving the house, and therefore will pretty much completely prevent her from living the life of travel and experiences that she wants.

I don't want that.  She doesn't want that.  Yes, I hear all the bologna from her about it being my fault that we don't do anything.  I don't care about the blame.  I want to *address* this.

But... .HOW?  I really need some advice on how to help my wife get past all her impediments -- her fear of taking a shower, her tendency to get distracted over and over with little details causing her to lose the ability to move forward, her un-admitted-to fear of leaving the apartment.  I need to know how to get her skinny butt out of the apartment and on the road to life and fun!

Has anyone been able to successfully address this issue?

I know it's possible!  My wife overcame an entire life of fear to pack up her apartment by herself, and move 10,000 miles to be with me.  I managed to take her all over the east coast of the US when she first got here -- we had a blast!  And then... .she just stopped and parked herself at our apartment and there she stayed.  How do I engage that part of her that was not only willing (she is very willing!) but ABLE to get out of here and go DO STUFF?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Sounds like she basically has agoraphobia-like anxiety at being out in the world.

Being patient is a good start.  My H goes through phases where he is a hermit crab, self-imposed and then bemoans not going out and doing things.  Or having people over.  He gets anxious at leaving the house, feels like everyone is watching him, criticizing him, and is overall very self-conscious about it all.  It makes him take forever to get dressed, to pick clothes, and sometimes extends to MY clothes. 

He HAS been brave and done things in recent years he'd have never been able to have done 5-10 years ago.  I try to give him raise for that, and let him know he's done so well being brave about new things in the past that I know he can do new things in the future.

I now try as gently as possible to say, "if you want to see people, we need to reach out to them.  We have told them "sorry, can't make it" enough times that they gave up so it's up to us to make that initial contact."

"If you want to do something, let's make a plan and do it.  No one is stopping us but us.  We can choose to go, how long to stay, and when to leave."

You might need to address the comments about it being "all your fault" even if you don't care - it lets her off the hook to hold onto those feelings and enables her to pretend it's not HER choice but yours.  I am not the best but SET and DEARMAN are two tools people mention to communicate things they don't want to hear as constructively as possible. 

I now for him (and thereby for me) it seems easier to invite people over than to get him to go to other houses.  I am not sure if maybe you can increase your W's social circle/interactions by trying to see about simple movie nights with one other couple, a simple board game night, cooking dinner together - an activity that she can do to burn off some of her nerves at a new situation.  After a little of that, she might agree to go to their houses.  Baby steps. 

What is the fear of taking a shower?  Water? Solitude?  Fear of falling?  Are baths preferred?  The distraction by details when the forest is right here is common, that will take a case by case help.  It may be similar to OC issues/hoarding issues, where details make someone freeze and unable to move forward until they can be assured there will be a "perfect" outcome.  H is often like "I'm going to fail so why try?"  When pressed, he's found minutiae that he believes gives him permission to give up. 

[Moselle]

And then... .she just stopped and parked herself at our apartment and there she stayed.  How do I engage that part of her that was not only willing (she is very willing!) but ABLE to get out of here and go DO STUFF?

Engineer its quite natural to want to help someone we love.

She seems quite amenable, and perhaps she may be willing to accept professional help. Have you considered that?

What does she want?

[engineer]

Engineer its quite natural to want to help someone we love.

She seems quite amenable, and perhaps she may be willing to accept professional help. Have you considered that?

What does she want?

She is amenable to just about everything *except* professional help.  She's been told about the BPD before, and relates the story with an emphatic "What BS!".  As seems to be the norm, she is very insistent that *I* get professional help... .but that's ok, I have found my counselor to be very helpful in understanding what's going on with her.

She wants to go do things.  She wants to see the country.  She's stuck in an "America sucks" loop that she knows she will only break free from when she actually sees the country and meets people.  She wants to start a business.  She wants to write (she is indeed a fantastic writer).  She wants to go listen to live music.  She wants to go watch American Football (well, when they are playing again).  But she is just SO stuck.

I agree that professional help is the ideal solution, but I just don't think it's likely.

And... .sometimes talking about things helps to solve problems.  I did not recognize this before:  If we plan an unscheduled event for a particular day, she will dawdle until it's too late to do the thing.  If we have a *scheduled* event, half the time she reschedules it, but the other half of the time she actually gets herself moving to go do it (though she usually has a panic attack somewhere in the middle).  That may be the first part of the solution.  I need to develop a *scheduled* event.  This weekend.  Thinking... .  Ok... .I am going to book a hotel room out of town for this weekend.  She thinks "check-in time" is set in stone, for reasons I've never understood.  So that means we have to get moving in time to make the check in time.

This could be a very good start

[isilme]

I want to point out one quick thing as well:

She wants to go do things.  She wants to see the country.  She's stuck in an "America sucks" loop that she knows she will only break free from when she actually sees the country and meets people.  She wants to start a business.  She wants to write (she is indeed a fantastic writer).  She wants to go listen to live music.  She wants to go watch American Football (well, when they are playing again).  But she is just SO stuck.

Let me add one phrase:

She SAYS she wants to go do things... .  Things LOOK nice to go do, but actually doing them is too much.  Sometimes pwBPD seem to feel talking about doing things or wanting to do things equals credit for having done them, or will magic them into being without them making effort or changes.  The whole disorder is based on feelings that are so out of whack the person with BPD confuses them for facts. 

BPD is about unmanaged emotions.  H has a million things he SAYS he wants to do... .but when it comes to doing them he balks, it can lead to a fight a meltdown.  And yes, the dwadling is a form of passive-aggressive "I kinda don't want to do this but I kinda do and so if I am pokey you might decide for me, being too late might decide for me, but it won't be "my fault" if I don't make it".  H and his mother are both bad about it - the mom makes others wait on her for family meals and other gatherings, and we have to lie pretty much to the mom to get here places anywhere close to timely.

H will put off getting ready until it's almost past time to be on the road, and then complain he has no clothes, nothing fits, he's not going, but once we get to where-ever he doesn't' want to leave.  Emotional inertia.  A pwBPD will stay where a pwBPD is unless acted on by an equal or greater emotional force.

Also, maybe getting her into treatment for something NOt labeled BPD might be agreeable.  I have never spoken to H about my determination he has enough BPF behaviors to have it.  I focus on his anxiety.  he admits he has that and can work on that.  The stigma is less.  I work on his depression.  Again, the stigma is less.  So maybe you can ask if she wants to speak to anyone about anxiety.  About a potential for agoraphobia, anything but BPD.  She might be more receptive.  BPD has an ugly impression for most people.  Sure it sucks as we know it, but it's not a label anyone would want. 

Mostly for me it's in the form of being mindful of what he can manage, and then me taking on all planning and driving for trips (I confimr dates after many conversations with him, map routes, program GPS, make reservations, prepare or rent a car, clean house, pack my bag and communal bags for things like electronics, or things we are taking with us to cook for holidays, load the car, take care of pets, arrange for long-term care for them if needed, clear yard, secure items for pet/house safety, get cash.  He packs his own bag, and "might" take the time to make a new playlist.)  I am aware of his limitations, and that I need to step in to make things happen as he just won't do it, or it will be such a mess last minute it drives ME crazy.  Taking on and accepting all the responsibility both sucks, but prevents me from having a worse time alter.  After years of this, he is finally offering to drive a little bit of the way, the part closest to home.  It's not much as I am still helping navigate and he's so much less comfortable driving I am kinda on edge the whole time, but it helps an makes him feel stronger to be able to do it. 

Anyway - she says she wants to do because at the time the thought of doing them is good, and feeling she's being held back externally also feels correct (not really good, but "true", so she won't have to face her own actions prevent the things she claims she wants to do. 

[Tattered Heart]

Your post really hit home with me. My H talks about having all these well organized parties at our house with lots of friends and games and bonfires. He say she wants to get together with others every couple of months, but the reality is he does not want that. He makes no effort to reach out to others. He has only 1 friend--his weed dealer, and talks to no one else except me.

When we have plans for social events he will often "have an emergency" at work and "get called in". It's odd how he never gets these emergencies when we don't have plans.

This older post may help you find a direction to dig in as to how to encourage your partner to get out more. It's based on a book about BPD mothers, but I believe my H perfectly fits the hermit typology of BPD and your partner may too.

BPD Behavior: Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch

[engineer]

Heh, well that fits pretty well... .she says she wants to go do things and she can get credit for wanting to do things as long as she can blame me for not doing them.  That's pretty funny.

It's a shame... .she really is a very intelligent girl.  Too bad there's not more self-awareness.  It is very comforting to me to know that this is typical of the disorder.

The suggestion about getting her in to see someone about anxiety issues is a good one.  She has even suggested that herself.  She has the same hangups about that as she does about everything else, but at least it would avoid her having to face big bad BPD right off the bat.

[Moselle]

The suggestion about getting her in to see someone about anxiety issues is a good one.  She has even suggested that herself.  She has the same hangups about that as she does about everything else, but at least it would avoid her having to face big bad BPD right off the bat.

I think that's really smart!

[foggydew]

This all sounds so familiar. My pwBPD is also pretty isolated and seems only to talk to me as a rule. He also has this fear of being in social situations, and drinks to overcome that and cope to some extent. Very very slowly, however, he is opening up, and being gently self critical - and at the same time, reducing his criticisms of me. Engineer, my friend IS an engineer, and he manages to do his work and even travel abroad to work. As long as there is no social component he feels ok - although he is actually competent in the social field too, but never feels it.
What seems to be working is radical acceptance, giving enough validation that he feels secure in himself. The more acceptance he feels, the more willing he is to leave his shell a little. Any little touch of criticism and the superficial toughness appears. The more I can take his criticism and LAUGH gently at it, the better he is at accepting and gently criticising himself. A kind of mirroring. He is about to organise our holiday together... and he is not bulldozing me for the first time, but asking. That's the positive part. The negative part? It has taken years of learning for both of us. But very much worth the effort.