Stepson 13 Injured and BPD Mom Isn't Helping...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,

My SS13 recently fell at school in PE and suffered a concussion.  Not a serious one but big enough that he hit his head pretty hard and still struggling to get back on his feet.  He does have anxiety about getting injured with the littlest things so you can imagine what this did.  It was a stupid goofy thing that happened during a game involving gym mats moving and his head met the floor with gusto.   

My main question or request for input here is:  What is up with BPD mom who just simply can't, doesn't know/ display she is able help to do simple basic tasks to care about him. (Like buying more headache pills or taking him to his GP right after the accident).    I know, I've been on this board many times with this issue but it's more about me needing some emotional support  because I just get so bloody gobsmacked at how thoughtless, neglectful (?blind ?lack of empathy) this woman has when it comes her kids.  There is tons of other stuff too, not just this little blip in the screen.    It never ceases to frustrate me and despite my logical explanations (pwBPD mother) I still need validation or support with it.    She's intelligent enough and puts on a good front (mask), sounds very genuine in emails but her actions contradict everything  -  what she says and does are complete opposites.   I believe she can do (is capable of) better but that's what I've seen of her before.  So the question is, is she hiding stress which are triggers for her or if not, why can she not get help... or is that a dumb question.   I do know that making rational decisions appears to be beyond her ability sometimes and her priorities are so off base it just makes you shake your head (again tons of other stuff over the years).   Usually it's what works for her first and foremost. 

LNL if you're reading this, I value your opinion because you provide clarity on these things.   

History:

I've been in the kids' lives for 10 years (I do not have direct contact or communication with pwBPD, only my DH does) with BPD exw... .she is primary parent (they live with her majority of the time) , my DH has equal custodial rights, they visit us every second weekend and we share summers and xmas and holidays equally between houses. He produces and monitors the parent schedule.   Long story short we had them 50-50 for the first 5 years but their mother made co parenting, then parallel parenting a living hell: (intrusiveness, sabotage, meddling, oppressive, interfering, smear campaigns involving teachers, parents, unrelenting chronic egregious breaches (multiple) of parental agreements ... you get the idea) that we both decided that we hand them over to her to douse the conflict between houses.  It worked.  But it comes with other varied price tags.  Generally she calmed down (somewhat but with continued sporadic conflict) with her having (majority) control being no. 1 boss but then the pendulum swung to the opposite side and she has shown over the years that now the kids are somewhat self reliant (teens), she's just thrown up her hands like she couldn't care less about them. This "oh well, not my problem, lessons learned" if SS's homework isn't done" attitude of hers.  If she isn't getting attention and causing trouble and we aren't playing her games or taking the bait, she drops the toy in the toy box with disinterest until the next extinction burst.  My DH rarely answers emails and has perfected 'taming your borderline' techniques.   The kids have always been her little pawns, her meal ticket, put them in the middle for her quests and she has never been maternal or loving although she puts on an award winning performance front of MOTY whenever it's needed or she is 'on stage'.  That light switch turns on and off with utmost professional proficiency of course.     Their bond with their dad, despite all, is and always has been rock solid, they have us and the 'normal' house (my apologies for the labelling).  He keeps in constant contact via text and phone and they've grown better at reciprocating when he hunts them down.  (You know how they can be when they tend slack off with return calls and need to be nudged).   They excel in their schools which has been our pride an joy and an indicator of how resilient these two are.

Okay... .so now.  The accident.

SS13 is okay-ish, suffered a medium concussion 2 weeks ago, fatigue, headaches, sensitive to light.  He called his dad the afternoon when he got home (he remained at school after phoning his mom) and had to ask his dad if he should go to the hospital(?)  He knows dad is on the ball with these things.  (Mom apparently couldn't make that rational decision).  We got from her in a later email, "Oh I was on the fence about taking him to Emergency" because he seemed okay to her.  Good lord, no words for that one (insert eye roll emoji).

On DH's instruction he went to the Emerg, and got bounced around to various ones and finally seen and diagnosed.  He was given instructions with his discharge sheet, a protocol guideline for returning to normal activities and a gradual return to school in small doses (levels or stages progress).  The emerg said to follow up with GP and take pain meds as needed and if symptoms remain he should see a specialist. No screen time, no tv etc.  Mom emailed DH the discharge note but we had to ask for one.   

Pretty simple basic stuff which involves observing, caring, common sense, contacting and keeping in touch with GP if questions or concerns.   All of this so far has been head scratching and What the heck what she is or is not doing.  Most if not all is not.  She didn't even read the discharge instructions.  Instead she went running for advice from her gym's physio (who apparently is an 'expert' in concussions, btw) and forwarded DH with an email link (another eye roll).  There is a small private gym she signed SS up for some sort of mild training but he rarely goes enough to make any sort of difference or consistency.  We've only heard about it via SS and not directly via her, so getting this cc's input from this anonymous 'expert' at some gym she never mentioned before was perplexing behaviour too.    SS rarely goes to the gym as far as we know,  but she thinks nothing of signing him up for class during OUR odd weekend (how thoughtful of her)  DH doused that immediately. He can go with mom, after all she's obese, not him and SS gets enough exercise at our house.  I love that she tries though, very amusing indeed... .

He was home for about a week with no school,  he was doing nothing, literally nothing.  My DH said he can do simple basic small things (no tv or computers) in reference to the concussion protocol sheet we downloaded.  It's like she's never looked at it.  Right away she demanded that SS attend this school club activity (brain gymnastics) the first weekend after he was injured (when he was due to come over to our house) plus return to school right away (he was about to go the next day).   She was adamant that he was fine (probably couldn't handle a board kid at home) and she literally was fighting with DH on this.  DH said absolutely (frigging) no way is he going back to school yet, even part time, without a doctor's clearance (a GP follow up first) or any other activity (especially during our time), especially which involved all day bright lights, stimulation, brain work, thinking... like what part doesn't she understand? It was the most stupid thing for him to do.   She was pushing emotional blackmail on DH (kid doesn't want to let his activity team down) and leaving the onus on SS to make the decision that he was ready and felt fine when he had anxiety.   SS hadn't seen his GP yet at this point.  It's never about what's best for the kids, it's always the score card with her.  She wanted to win on this and put kid in the middle.  Upon DH demanding a medical clearance she then immediately took SS to a clinic (saw a locum not his regular GP), Dr said no clearance to return to normal activity yet. Period.  DH won on that one and I'm sure she was spitting with defeat.  DH also sent a shot back saying, do not ever put the kids in the middle to make parenting decisions.    WELL that sure got her attention and lashed out accordingly with, "I do not" (not my fault) denial of hers.  It was also about her having control over making DH take him to an activity during his time. 

He's since gone back to school off and on a few hours here and there.  When he was here for the first weekend, DH bought him sunglasses so the light wouldn't bother him and took him for short walks.  He left our house 'feeling much better' after that weekend and by then ready and confident to try a few hours of school. 

Two weeks have passed, DH keeps in regular contact.   SS has 'stomach aches', doesn't even go outside, missed a nice field trip he could have gone on (Dr. said okay) he stayed at home.  DH asked about his headaches and pain pills SS says ("we're out"    That's when I (figuratively) threw up my hands with, "She can't bloody well go out and buy any Advil?"    He's at home too much, probably depressed and his diet I know isn't good at the best of times (my SS is obese and so is BPD mom). She rarely cooks, they eat out regularly or take away.   We think it's mostly SS feeling overwhelmed with going back to school anxiety  as homework is piling up but as far as I know the school/teachers are being supportive.  We've had many times when kids are fine here and then upon going back to their mom's, regress.   Is it the bad energy, the atmosphere, the lack of care, all of it?  It's like the kids are sabotaged in some way to not improve or be healthy, at least BPD mom doesn't lift a finger to encourage any progress.

It's spring break soon.  We will have him for a week and see how we do with helping him get on his feet again.  He needs help and nurturing and confidence that he can do small things and not stay in like a bear in a cave.  His mom doesn't even guide him to go outside?... hopeless, I know).  We haven't asked if he stays home by himself during the day (we don't know if or what she has job, she never discloses fully her private ('it's my business not yours' life and we don't ask.  DH is top notch good with his son, he gets him exercise and they go for walks together, bikes usually,  they are close and he's really gentle and non judgemental of mom (we don't mention her of course, as you can imagine what I would have to say, tremendous restraint on my part, I tell you).  I'm so proud of what a good father he is, so that is the blessing with this.  I do my part as best I can and they are good kids, always have been.

I just wanted to throw this out to you whomever reads this and can relate to a step mom's frustration when BPD mom is just not able or willing to do basic care or responsibilities.    I want to be empathetic to the fact that she has BPD and all that means, but if she wasn't so bitchy and spiteful towards us and feels that 'we constantly judge her parenting' nonsense and she 'doesn't ask advice because she will be judged and use opportunities to attack her parenting' b.s.  "whoa is me" she's the victim, what about me, garbage, bla bla bla projection, gas lighting or whatever the correct term is.   So we just keep quiet and hope she pulls her head out of you-know-where to just show us she can do some basic guidance and care.  Is that expecting too much?  I should know better.    When he is with us, DH is finally taking SS to his regular GP for a chronic skin problem but will also touch base with him on all of this concussion business too.  I think but I don't know if GP is onto the fact that mom has BPD or what his opinions are of her but I know he's a smart guy.   BTW, mom took him to someone other than the GP (twice) not this time but others.  So for some reason  she is changing doctors a lot too, which she's done before.  I think it's because she just cannot tolerate or handle a no nonsense doctor vs a 'warm and fuzzy' one that she can (try to) manipulate and/or doesn't have the full history with so she won't be 'judged' by them too.

Thanks for reading.  I thought it would be short but it never is with my posts... .

Cheers,
Klera
 

[Klera]

Hi,

My SS13 recently fell at school in PE and suffered a concussion.  Not a serious one but big enough that he hit his head pretty hard and still struggling to get back on his feet.  He does have anxiety about getting injured with the littlest things so you can imagine what this did.  It was a stupid goofy thing that happened during a game involving gym mats moving and his head met the floor with gusto.   

My main question or request for input here is:  What is up with BPD mom who just simply can't, doesn't know/ display she is able help to do simple basic tasks to care about him. (Like buying more headache pills or taking him to his GP right after the accident).    I know, I've been on this board many times with this issue but it's more about me needing some emotional support  because I just get so bloody gobsmacked at how thoughtless, neglectful (?blind ?lack of empathy) this woman has when it comes her kids.  There is tons of other stuff too, not just this little blip in the screen.    It never ceases to frustrate me and despite my logical explanations (pwBPD mother) I still need validation or support with it.    She's intelligent enough and puts on a good front (mask), sounds very genuine in emails but her actions contradict everything  -  what she says and does are complete opposites.   I believe she can do (is capable of) better but that's what I've seen of her before.  So the question is, is she hiding stress which are triggers for her or if not, why can she not get help... or is that a dumb question.   I do know that making rational decisions appears to be beyond her ability sometimes and her priorities are so off base it just makes you shake your head (again tons of other stuff over the years).   Usually it's what works for her first and foremost. 

LNL if you're reading this, I value your opinion because you provide clarity on these things.   

History:

I've been in the kids' lives for 10 years (I do not have direct contact or communication with pwBPD, only my DH does) with BPD exw... .she is primary parent (they live with her majority of the time) , my DH has equal custodial rights, they visit us every second weekend and we share summers and xmas and holidays equally between houses. He produces and monitors the parent schedule.   Long story short we had them 50-50 for the first 5 years but their mother made co parenting, then parallel parenting a living hell: (intrusiveness, sabotage, meddling, oppressive, interfering, smear campaigns involving teachers, parents, unrelenting chronic egregious breaches (multiple) of parental agreements ... you get the idea) that we both decided that we hand them over to her to douse the conflict between houses.  It worked.  But it comes with other varied price tags.  Generally she calmed down (somewhat but with continued sporadic conflict) with her having (majority) control being no. 1 boss but then the pendulum swung to the opposite side and she has shown over the years that now the kids are somewhat self reliant (teens), she's just thrown up her hands like she couldn't care less about them. This "oh well, not my problem, lessons learned" if SS's homework isn't done" attitude of hers.  If she isn't getting attention and causing trouble and we aren't playing her games or taking the bait, she drops the toy in the toy box with disinterest until the next extinction burst.  My DH rarely answers emails and has perfected 'taming your borderline' techniques.   The kids have always been her little pawns, her meal ticket, put them in the middle for her quests and she has never been maternal or loving although she puts on an award winning performance front of MOTY whenever it's needed or she is 'on stage'.  That light switch turns on and off with utmost professional proficiency of course.     Their bond with their dad, despite all, is and always has been rock solid, they have us and the 'normal' house (my apologies for the labelling).  He keeps in constant contact via text and phone and they've grown better at reciprocating when he hunts them down.  (You know how they can be when they tend slack off with return calls and need to be nudged).   They excel in their schools which has been our pride an joy and an indicator of how resilient these two are.

Okay... .so now.  The accident.

SS13 is okay-ish, suffered a medium concussion 2 weeks ago, fatigue, headaches, sensitive to light.  He called his dad the afternoon when he got home (he remained at school after phoning his mom) and had to ask his dad if he should go to the hospital(?)  He knows dad is on the ball with these things.  (Mom apparently couldn't make that rational decision).  We got from her in a later email, "Oh I was on the fence about taking him to Emergency" because he seemed okay to her.  Good lord, no words for that one (insert eye roll emoji).

On DH's instruction he went to the Emerg, and got bounced around to various ones and finally seen and diagnosed.  He was given instructions with his discharge sheet, a protocol guideline for returning to normal activities and a gradual return to school in small doses (levels or stages progress).  The emerg said to follow up with GP and take pain meds as needed and if symptoms remain he should see a specialist. No screen time, no tv etc.  Mom emailed DH the discharge note but we had to ask for one.   

Pretty simple basic stuff which involves observing, caring, common sense, contacting and keeping in touch with GP if questions or concerns.   All of this so far has been head scratching and What the heck what she is or is not doing.  Most if not all is not.  She didn't even read the discharge instructions.  Instead she went running for advice from her gym's physio (who apparently is an 'expert' in concussions, btw) and forwarded DH with an email link (another eye roll).  There is a small private gym she signed SS up for some sort of mild training but he rarely goes enough to make any sort of difference or consistency.  We've only heard about it via SS and not directly via her, so getting this cc's input from this anonymous 'expert' at some gym she never mentioned before was perplexing behaviour too.    SS rarely goes to the gym as far as we know,  but she thinks nothing of signing him up for class during OUR odd weekend (how thoughtful of her)  DH doused that immediately. He can go with mom, after all she's obese, not him and SS gets enough exercise at our house.  I love that she tries though, very amusing indeed... .

He was home for about a week with no school,  he was doing nothing, literally nothing.  My DH said he can do simple basic small things (no tv or computers) in reference to the concussion protocol sheet we downloaded.  It's like she's never looked at it.  Right away she demanded that SS attend this school club activity (brain gymnastics) the first weekend after he was injured (when he was due to come over to our house) plus return to school right away (he was about to go the next day).   She was adamant that he was fine (probably couldn't handle a board kid at home) and she literally was fighting with DH on this.  DH said absolutely (frigging) no way is he going back to school yet, even part time, without a doctor's clearance (a GP follow up first) or any other activity (especially during our time), especially which involved all day bright lights, stimulation, brain work, thinking... like what part doesn't she understand? It was the most stupid thing for him to do.   She was pushing emotional blackmail on DH (kid doesn't want to let his activity team down) and leaving the onus on SS to make the decision that he was ready and felt fine when he had anxiety.   SS hadn't seen his GP yet at this point.  It's never about what's best for the kids, it's always the score card with her.  She wanted to win on this and put kid in the middle.  Upon DH demanding a medical clearance she then immediately took SS to a clinic (saw a locum not his regular GP), Dr said no clearance to return to normal activity yet. Period.  DH won on that one and I'm sure she was spitting with defeat.  DH also sent a shot back saying, do not ever put the kids in the middle to make parenting decisions.    WELL that sure got her attention and lashed out accordingly with, "I do not" (not my fault) denial of hers.  It was also about her having control over making DH take him to an activity during his time. 

He's since gone back to school off and on a few hours here and there.  When he was here for the first weekend, DH bought him sunglasses so the light wouldn't bother him and took him for short walks.  He left our house 'feeling much better' after that weekend and by then ready and confident to try a few hours of school. 

Two weeks have passed, DH keeps in regular contact.   SS has 'stomach aches', doesn't even go outside, missed a nice field trip he could have gone on (Dr. said okay) he stayed at home.  DH asked about his headaches and pain pills SS says ("we're out"    That's when I (figuratively) threw up my hands with, "She can't bloody well go out and buy any Advil?"    He's at home too much, probably depressed and his diet I know isn't good at the best of times (my SS is obese and so is BPD mom). She rarely cooks, they eat out regularly or take away.   We think it's mostly SS feeling overwhelmed with going back to school anxiety  as homework is piling up but as far as I know the school/teachers are being supportive.  We've had many times when kids are fine here and then upon going back to their mom's, regress.   Is it the bad energy, the atmosphere, the lack of care, all of it?  It's like the kids are sabotaged in some way to not improve or be healthy, at least BPD mom doesn't lift a finger to encourage any progress.

It's spring break soon.  We will have him for a week and see how we do with helping him get on his feet again.  He needs help and nurturing and confidence that he can do small things and not stay in like a bear in a cave.  His mom doesn't even guide him to go outside?... hopeless, I know).  We haven't asked if he stays home by himself during the day (we don't know if or what she has job, she never discloses fully her private ('it's my business not yours' life and we don't ask.  DH is top notch good with his son, he gets him exercise and they go for walks together, bikes usually,  they are close and he's really gentle and non judgemental of mom (we don't mention her of course, as you can imagine what I would have to say, tremendous restraint on my part, I tell you).  I'm so proud of what a good father he is, so that is the blessing with this.  I do my part as best I can and they are good kids, always have been.

I just wanted to throw this out to you whomever reads this and can relate to a step mom's frustration when BPD mom is just not able or willing to do basic care or responsibilities.    I want to be empathetic to the fact that she has BPD and all that means, but if she wasn't so bitchy and spiteful towards us and feels that 'we constantly judge her parenting' nonsense and she 'doesn't ask advice because she will be judged and use opportunities to attack her parenting' b.s.  "whoa is me" she's the victim, what about me, garbage, bla bla bla projection, gas lighting or whatever the correct term is.   So we just keep quiet and hope she pulls her head out of you-know-where to just show us she can do some basic guidance and care.  Is that expecting too much?  I should know better.    When he is with us, DH is finally taking SS to his regular GP for a chronic skin problem but will also touch base with him on all of this concussion business too.  I think but I don't know if GP is onto the fact that mom has BPD or what his opinions are of her but I know he's a smart guy.   BTW, mom took him to someone other than the GP (twice) not this time but others.  So for some reason  she is changing doctors a lot too, which she's done before.  I think it's because she just cannot tolerate or handle a no nonsense doctor vs a 'warm and fuzzy' one that she can (try to) manipulate and/or doesn't have the full history with so she won't be 'judged' by them too.

Thanks for reading.  I thought it would be short but it never is with my posts... .

Cheers,
Klera
 

[Mutt]

Hi Klerk,

Im sorry that you and DH are going through this. It’s really difficult to comparent with a pwBPD I have 50/50 custody the kids are at my house for one week and they’re at the other house the next week. I got good advice here about the other parent smearing you with teachers, doctors etc... .you have to build a rapport with both i make sure that I see the teachers myself I never have a meeting  at the same time with my exuBPDw because of drama triangles I make sure that we have two seperated meetings, the school sends two separate copies of everything. I also parallel parent from time to time depending on what’s going on in exuBPDw’s life she might want attention, she’s throwing a tantrum and wants her way she’ll try to challenge the court order through fear but it’s just FOG now every pwBPD are different so your SS13’s uBPD mom may react differently.

I parallel parent I have been doing it for 5 years it’s design so that both households are on their own parallel tracks let’s say and those tracks never intersect to avoid senseless conflict. You mentioned extinction  bursts I wonder if she’s gone through extinction bursts with some of the things that you mentioned with how she acts with parallel parenting. As you probably know a pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the young age of a child and are like kids in an adult’s body like poor understanding of boundaries and flailing against our a lot like a small kid would. SS13 is a teenager can he decide which houséhold he wants tthe he in? Can you get more access like one week on or week off or some people have two, three two etc... .?

[Klera]

Hi Mutt,

Well, we stumbled down the co and parallel parenting path for the first 5 years when I moved in with DH and Kids.   I pretty much followed the lead as I did not have my own bio kids (my decision from previous marriage)  but I had full exposure/knowledge that the kids' mum had major 'emotional problems' and that DH had read "Walking on Eggshells"  given to him from his GP (and other psych professionals) with a name for this 'thing' called BPD.  I did not, however, expect to personally experience for myself the degree of mental and emotional abuse of which he had suffered previously during the marriage with her (10 years total).    Despite the challenges, we moved forward as best we could to look out for these two kids in grades 1 and 2 at that time (dodging incessant fire bombs hitting the front gates of our drawbridge aka boundary busting from kids' mum).    When she found out I had moved in... .Wow did she lose it and I think since then, just sparked a catalyst in her to make it her mission in life to do what she does best - cause trouble with us and mess with everything and anything she can.  I think the fear of abandonment went into full blown nuclear, not to mention the threat of me 'replacing her' type of thinking, despite my attempts at peace and gentle 'hi' at the door turned into her throwing their luggage at me and her screeching off in her car.   I understand and have continued to learn about BPD as well as myself and my own issues and 'stuff' too which has been helpful and positive.  We never stop learning do we? 

Over the years my DH went through multiple mediations (with her), varied multiple parental agreements, her breaching agreements constantly, letters, legal fees,  money out the window basically.  At one point we heard from a therapist, "you can't punish borderlines'" meaning court, judges, lawyers, authority... .just doesn't do the trick.   Family law is what it is, but at the end of the day does not change them or in our case just didn't help us only depleted funds.  My DH also has unresolved PTSD from his family of origin so on top of the separation/divorce and all the bells and whistles that comes with that lovely experience on top of dealing with an exw with BPD and trying to co parent which dropped too parallel parenting, was too much.  He decided that it wasn't worth his health and he had to put the oxygen mask on himself first.  With that we both (after 5 years of trying to even parallel parent with the exw) agreed it be best to give up our 50-50 time.  It might sound horrible to some and yes, it was not easy for DH to do but it was a last resort move and it had to happen there was no other way because we could not go on the way we were.   The conflict between houses was not good for the kids and the lawyers decision that the kids would be told that they would have one house so that they could focus on their school work. 

Fast forward to now.  We worked on (improved/healed) our health (mentally) over the years while still watching over the kids.  We were concerned that our plan would fall through the floor and we put ourselves on hold in case we had to swoop in and rescue the kids and were fully prepared to have them come live with us if need be.  Trust me, we were watching for the mushroom cloud to happen.  At that time she had moved a 'boyfriend' in with her and the kids and did not reveal whom he was, refused to give a last name and kept him basically a secret (even during mediation to discuss changing parental time!).  He lasted 2 years, a lot longer than I predicted.  Oh yes.  Good times.  But we also wanted to see how the exw would cope first.  It was seen as 'punishment' I'm sure by her, but I don't want it to look like vengeance, but honestly blood, sweat and tears were shed to make it work on top of the fact that the exw had her weeks 'off' with her play time (no job) and STILL managed to make causing trouble her main mission.   The kids continued to do well in school but when it comes to hygiene and diet and laundry, homework for example, those types of things their mother still struggles with (their clothes smelled, were often too small and in poor condition, their hair not washed, skipped baths).   She still continues to mess with the odd things like try to speak for the kids and be the middle man for communication when the kids are now old enough we don't need her, DH speaks directly with the kids.  And BTW, my DH went straight to the sources when it comes to the schools, no more drama, no triangulation there as he gets cc'd in on everything plus now we have digital access to kids' schools and their accounts which means checking attendance, reports, announcements, direct email to teachers etc.  So much improvement there! And yes, he never attended meetings with her, only separate ones.  No phone contact with her (ever), only email etc etc has been in place since day one.  Only important emails are answered and he ignores the rest unanswered for her to stop haranguing about needless stuff the odd occasion when she starts stirring the pot again (extinction burst).

The long answer is no about them coming over to live with us.   We decided that for one thing, they have not and don't state to us that things are so intolerable over at their mom's that they want to live here.  They would, they are smart articulate kids and pretty mature for their ages now (13 and 15)  We've been open to listening and observing over the past years.     It's been close a few times in frustration thought maybe 'just have them come over here' because their mum was showing signs of neglect and leaving them to pretty much look after themselves, make decisions and leaving them on their own a lot (not overnight though).  She goes up and down with this, hence my last past about my SS's injury.  Honestly though, she would never leave us alone, and would go back to her old ways in a second.   She would never give them up due to lost meal ticket (child support), it would be fight from hell plus it would be costly.  At the end of the day, it's the kids that would have to come to us but so far they have adjusted as best as we could have expected.

Now we are looking at my SD getting to graduation and already discussing her electives towards University.  We think that she will move in with us then, (child support stops too) but we haven't finalized any plans.  We have a larger house and more space than their mum (she sold the marital home 2 years ago and moved into rental house 'dump' which really caused us to sit forward in our seats in case that transition became a train wreck but so far they've adjusted and say 'they like it there'.  That's a whole other topic.   I tend towards thinking mum brainwashes them so that they don't cross her and she pushes her opinions and thought on them to tell us... .especially when they said it was 'cozy' in the beginning.

I know this is a long answer.  But hopefully it gives some insight and maybe someone else sees a light at the end of their tunnel... .

[livednlearned]

Hi Klera,

 

I just get so bloody gobsmacked at how thoughtless, neglectful (?blind ?lack of empathy) this woman has when it comes her kids. 

The first part is on you. I know that's tough to hear, and I definitely know how tough it is to stay in our lane. It's also the lane that leads to sanity, so I work hard to get myself where I know I'll feel best.

With SO's ex, when she does nutty things that hurt her kids, I let myself gnash my teeth for 5 or 10 minutes, and then I move on. That's all I have to spare. Five or ten minutes, max.

I think it's healthier to have a good eye roll in the privacy of my own mind, or sometimes out loud with SO, than pretend I'm not irritated or baffled. I find it so hard to even write about the scenarios that come up because they're complicated to describe. To write them down would take more than 10 minutes so I skip that part and go straight to the eye roll  

I also like that I don't have to let her stuff worry me. They are her kids. I see myself more like a benevolent aunt.  

I can always find compassion for BPD mom. It took a while to feel it, and I forgive myself for not always feeling it. Knowing what it at least feels like makes it easier to find my way back there. It's a lighter load to carry when I feel that way, but it does take some effort, and sometimes more effort than others. Boundaries are not just physical, they can also be emotional. I try to have compassion because it makes it easier to not get dragged through the mud, emotionally.

My son was recently diagnosed on the spectrum (ASD), what in the US used to be called Asperger's. Sometimes I think wow, I'm just one genetic mutation away from having a very different life. S16 does not have an easy burden. I love that kid to pieces and his life is hard.

Some neuroscientists think BPD and ASD occur in the same part of the brain. My interpretation is that there is some misfiring happening around the very complicated sensory integration that neurotypical people just take for granted. Hypersensitivity to stimuli, whether internal or external, that makes other higher order cognitive processes harder.

With BPD, I see special needs behavior. That doesn't mean free pass for bad behavior -- that's what boundaries are for. But compassion or empathy makes me feel better. Sometimes I have to work at it. I'm getting better at feeling it more often. With my son, it helps me be more effective and skilled, which makes us closer. I used to focus on what he needed to do (self-control) and now I focus on how he feels (self regulation).

You aren't dealing with a blood relative, you're dealing with a grownup who makes a hard job (step parenting) even harder. Compassion for her will be a steeper hill to climb than if she were your child. Go easy on yourself. If you need to vent, that's ok. Maybe your next step is to limit how much venting, or how long, or with how many people, or at what times of the day. My first step was to stop talking about BPD behaviors (my ex, SO's ex, or SD20) friends so much. Then I did it less with SO. Now I try to do it in my own head.  

One thing my T pointed out to me is that focusing on a common enemy (step mom or in my case, S16's BPD dad) has a nice way of focusing attention away from me and SO, and our relationship. That really bugs me! I don't want her in our relationship, and I don't want to ignore stuff in my current relationship that needs tending. It might be different in your r/s, but if it's not, just notice it when it's happening and try to cut back on how much time BPD mom rents space in your head.

These aren't just difficult relationships, they're the most difficult. So your skills will be black belt level if you want to finesse your way through these challenges.

[Klera]

Hi LNL!

I knew you had some good advice and wise input for me THANK YOU! 

My post was exactly for that reason, is my headspace gets clouded and when I get reminded to focus on myself, my reactions, how I think and why etc, really helps.  I will re read this whenever I stumble.  The reminder to have tools at the ready and other ways to deal with all of it.   

I wanted to quickly to shout out to other step mums with this, maybe you see yourself and can relate.  Even step dads too (not excluding you guys!)  I wanted to remind us to focus on taking care of ourselves and to please seek help (for me it's here because I know others not only can relate but I really value the psychology aspect and therapists etc who are experienced and know their stuff).  I think I know things but I'm still learning and continue to. Especially about myself and it also helps for your relationship of course.  Don't let that suffer after all, the BPD in your life has already caused enough damage.   One thing I've learned is my anger and frustration is triggered by my own stuff from family of origin.  Bang on correct, LNL you should have your degree by now? yes? 

I will focus on limited venting,  absolute LOVE the 'no rent in my headspace' has worked and does work and it is definitely a skill that needs constant work and attention.  If you are familiar with mindfulness, it is like exercising  your mind with practice.   I think we tend to over discuss and talk too much, my DH and I.  I think the kids have been our main focus even when they are at their mum's.   Often DH gets finished with a text with one of the kids, usually it's with SS 13 and tells me  what's going on and hence... .more discussions usually me with "What the heck is she thinking?" type of exhausted  reactions... .Yes, I'm judgemental but it's for good reason. 

I will leave it at that.  Again, I wanted to remind all that despite the struggles in your family, please remember to take of yourselves and whatever that may mean to you, exercise, yoga, mediation, treat yourself to a spa once in awhile (or more as needed) but also mind work, tools, seek help, learn... .all positive things and keep waving and smiling! 

cheers,
Klera

[livednlearned]

Exactly  

I'm going to need to read this post again, too. SO's bipolar/uBPD D20 is going to be here for spring break in a week and my nervous system is already primed for fireworks.

You would think I was training for the Olympics. Getting 9 hours of sleep, eating healthy, exercising an hour a day, practicing mindfulness, reaching out to friends and making sure I carve out fun things for me so I stay balanced when D20 is here. I've also reached out to her in advance so we have time together, enough so she feels welcome and respected. I usually work from home, and when she's here I will head to a coworking space close by. Her chronic neediness requires a lot of boundary work on my part so I make sure I limit how many hours of the day are spent on boundaries. We have a needy neighbor who knows and likes D20, so I encouraged her to make plans. That way they can have no boundaries together  

I used to think "taking care of myself" meant having a bubble bath or something from a magazine. It's more like training, though.

One thing I have also started to do, when BPD behaviors make no sense, is to realize that they probably don't make sense to the BPD person either.

Sometimes my behavior makes no sense to me, so I can't totally fault others for that  

[Klera]

Good to hear!  You sound like you've really established a way of being/living/thriving... .It's takes quite a lot (mentally/physically) doesn't it? (understatement).   

I forgot to address trying to feel empathy (towards kids' mum).  I'm just not there yet!      Good lord that sounds like tackling Mount Everest for me.  But I do want that to be a focus for me to start trying which is always a good place to start.   For one thing, having gone through years of her abusive ways.   There was a very hurtful episode a few years ago.  My SS had to have surgery, didn't have his actual date yet but during one summer, I contacted the surgeon's office on behalf of my DH.  The intent here was to explain that my SS was splitting his time between houses and that IF his surgery date came up, to please contact his dad (not me) in case SS was with us.  This was a preventative measure.  In the past she has taken SS to the specialist (surgeon) before (I'll skip all the medical history) without us knowing, signed SS up for surgery (signed authorization/consents) without DH's knowledge and just kept it all to herself.  DH found out via SS and had to contact exw to see What the heck was happening.  She was vague and intentionally withholding important info (one of her fun games).  I thought as a prevention for another whammy I'd intercept and call the office and left a phone message (never spoke to anyone) to explain to please inform/call dad if SS is given a surgery date. It was pretty simple really.   My DH is familiar with the secretary and had been in previous contact with her, in other words she knew who dad was and that mum was not the sole custodial parent (they have shared custody and equal authority).  You know how some just think since they are mum, they are supreme boss and was frequently and deliberately excluding dad.  But that's all in the past now.  SS returned to mum after holidays with us, but just before that had an urgent incident which the surgeon needed to be contacted for and his surgery needed to happen sooner than later.   SS went back to mum's, she contacted the surgeon and found out I had called.  Wow I started a nuclear meltdown! How dare I!   Behind our backs she kept a quiet, planned attack.   When it was surgery time, on one visit with us prior to the date, my SS asked me if I could come to the hospital to be there too. I found out later mum had prompted son to make sure I attended.   I was touched but also confused as he's had other procedures and has never mentioned for me to attend, so it was suspicious in the least.   I told him, no I wouldn't be able to be there.    When the surgery day came, my DH was called into the office by the surgeon, a social worker and mum.   Mum had officially complained to surgeon that she didn't know who I was and that 'this person' had accused me of some sort of confidentiality breach or from what I can assume was that I had attempted to extort medical information or some sort of thing which got the Dr. all riled up.  I simply left a message for the office secretary to contact DAD not me.  I can tell you've I worked in the medical profession, that I had also worked in that hospital and I'm quite familiar with patient confidentiality and all the rules.  I did nothing wrong.  And I was so unbearably angry that she had intentionally used the Dr. and staff in this way, had created this huge mushroom cloud for no reason and wasted precious surgical time for her sick attack.   Mum had conspired a huge smear campaign that she quietly implied that SHE had sole custody, accused this this 'person' (me) of excluding her and fraudulently doing some sort of no-no.   I still don't know exactly but I can imagine.  Wow was hubby angry I can't even begin to go there.   Needless to say, she had full opportunity before surgery to sort this out with us once she heard I had contacted the Dr.  She did nothing of the sort.  She waited, she planned, she vengefully attacked both me and my DH during a time when DH was simply there to comfort his son.  I can't even put into words how sick this was and I was left in a position to explain myself to DH but he understood what had happened but because I wasn't there to defend myself or to meet the Dr. and tell her I was just leaving a phone message and that was it.    I still don't think she actually understood that I did nothing wrong, but her distorted insane wiring must have short circuited and she went to town with this ambush attack at the hospital.  The social worker said something like, "well these stepparents think the kids are theirs sometimes" or some lame statement.  Good god.   BTW I concluded that mum had used SS to get me to be at the hospital, thank god I wasn't they would have to have security to peel me off of her.  And the final fact is that turns out the secretary was a stand-in a summer replacement that had no idea who our family is.  The regular secretary would have known who I was and DH and could have called us back no problem, but this other person with her lack of experience and knowledge also contributed to this complete and unnecessary nuclear battle.  To this day, LNL, I can't forgive it and it's still in me that I never fully got to go after her myself for it (although she would have loved it).   My DH went to battle for me with a mediator and demanded an apology, to me, the Dr, and the staff but he withdrew and just went after her with some other behaviour on top to really shut her up.   

I had to explain the above exampleof the contempt this woman has and what she is capable of doing and she will use anyone or anything to do it, including putting her kids slap dab right in the middle at all costs. 

Back to empathy.  When S** like that happens?  No I simply don't have it.  I do want to one day get there about her behaviour, her parenting is sure awful but it's not my problem.  I have a friend who helps, she has no idea what BPD is, but she tells me to remember that things just aren't my problem in order for me to let go and move on with just DH and I.  I let DH deal with the kids and the exw and continue to not let her rent space in my head!

Thanks again for your input.  And good luck with your spring visit!  You sound like you've got it together as best as possible.  Since she is 20, I hope she is able to understand and grasp perhaps change for the better as she matures.  I hope so.   I too have the kids for a week.

Cheers,
Klera