Looking after ME...my safety

[Huat]

My husband and I are in our mid-late-70's and advancing fraility a given.  There are 40 years behind us of dealing with our uBPD daugthter's behaviours... .started when she first ran away at age 12.  We have seen her through those rebellious teenage years that have never come to an end, broken relationships, “surprise” pregnancies, custody battles, etc., etc., etc. and all the while kept our wallet open for her and our (now 26/28) grandchildren.

Periods of no-contact have been many... .some for extended periods of time.  In the early years the hurt was compounded because it also meant losing contact with those little loves-of-our-lives (now 26/28) and because of them we were held captive.  We were hands-on, surrogate parents to them during the drama that was (is) their mother.  All those periods of no contact were instigated by our daughter... .until this one.

While her father has always been seen in her eyes to walk-on-water, I have been her nemisis... .the cause of everyone of her problems.  With that said, it was to me she ran when the chips were down.  I was the one to hear she was pregnant... .or she was going to leave her partner-at-the-time... .or she was in debt.  Yes, there have been times when I was her heroine and I basked in the false comfort that all turmoil between us was in the past.  Then would come the broad-side.   Her reasons leaving us to wonder if we had been in the same room when “it” happened... .all caused by me, her Mom.

A few years ago a counsellor warned us that her escalating verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.  Then came the day, during one of her rants, that I snapped to attention and knew that I had to draw that line in the sand... .a non-negotiable line.   Even though she eventually offered yet another apology, our stand was that we next meet in a counsellor's office or we don't meet at all... .words that, each time repeated, have sent her into more of a rage.    We are currently standing firm during one of those firestorms.  She wants that line erased.

I found this website a couple of years ago and participating in/on it has helped so much in my healing process.  I have written about the depths to which I fell in years past, absorbed in my role as “Victim” as my daughter had the starring role of “Bully.”  (I take responsibility for letting it continue for so long.)  I literally gave her the button that controlled my happiness... .MY! happiness.  How liberating/empowering it has been for me as I have gradually taken back that control.  I am okay!

Yes, it has been gradual... .and still more work to be done.  Looking back, it has been one-baby-step-at-a-time.  It has been accepting what is... .IS... .no pipe-dreams that she will change but coming to the realization that it is ME who has to change.  Easy?  No.  But oh, so rewarding to get those feelings of empowerment... .not power... .but empowerment.  There is a difference.

Recently I stumbled across a cartoon with the caption - “Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.”  How could they not with me?  I am a Mom.  I will accept that to happen but I will continue to work on shorter recovery times... .and I will continue to offer on this forum whatever wisdom has come about because of my age and experience... .my focus being on urging others to start looking after themselves... .which can make the rest easier to deal with.  As far as giving advice on how to deal with that BPD'er in their lives, I will leave that to others.

I am so thankful to be part of this supportive, caring community where we really do learn from each other.

Huat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

 Huat,
     
     Oh my goodness, what an out pouring of your heart. I find myself glad to hear your story, to know where the wisdom comes from. You have been such a big supporter and big help to me on this board since my arrival. I thank you deeply for that.
     I take hope that you are finding empowerment for yourself. Happy that you have found a way of taking back your button. That can only mean there has been much work done on your part. It also shows everyone here again, just how vulnerable a mothers heart can be as we so often read. It is my hope for you that now that the grandchildren are older, they may come to understand what has been going on. That they may come to support you and recognize that you have been there for them all along.
     I support the decision you have made about the next time you will meet with her. God knows every time we as parents set a boundary there will come the fire storm, that is inevitable. I pray for you the strength and wisdom to carry on, keeping that line well drawn. Carry on Huat with the self care and self love. I thank you for all you have contributed to this board. I'll be hearing you again Bluek9

[heartandwhole]

What an inspiring post, Huat. It touched my heart, and made me feel strong and safe at the same time. Your strength and self-care are shining through every word.

Thank you for being part of this community and sharing your struggles and triumphs with us. It means more than you know.

heartandwhole

[Feeling Better]

Hi Huat

A great post, and I’m with you all the way. I too have learnt so much since finding this site. I have learned to cope, to accept what is... .IS and I am learning how to take good care of me. I am still work in progress on that one but I’m getting there.
It’s thanks to such kind and caring members like you Huat that I have come as far as I have. I remember well my early days here when I never could have imagined a day like today, when I could write something positive.

Let’s rejoice Huat! Here’s a special hug from me   x

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Huat,

Thank you for sharing such a lovely post.   

I am so glad that you have been able to start enjoying yourself. I can't imagine what you have been through over the years. You are an amazingly strong, resilient person, and an inspiration to us all. I am in my mid-30s, and I can only hope to prove as strong as you.

[Merlot]

Hi Huat

Thankyou for sharing  , I'm so glad you've been able to find some piece in the drama of BPD and I hope that for all of us here. 

I think one of the most difficult things is being connected and enmeshed with BPD children, it's also incredibly difficult being cut off from our children and grandchildren and it's here that I can relate to so much of your post.

The range of emotions that tug at us on any given day are quite staggering depending on whether we are in or out of their lives. It is so tormenting.
I'm also finding for that no-one understands more than the parents here and I am so grateful for having found this site.

I hope you and your husband have a wonderful day.

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Dear Huat  

I've learnt so much from you, our years together here, when my DD was in crisis - rock bottom, there for me with parents here, you held me close and gave me hope through the darkest of times. I'm forever grateful to you and do my best to continue pass on my learning here with you, community.

I wish for you, your daughter comes to you, she'll be forever in your heart, you are her loving Mom.  

Hugs to you {{{{ }}}}
WDx

[Devastated Mom]

Haut

What an amazingly beautiful post, and perfect timing for me, as I am just beginning this journey. As the others have stated, you have also been very helpful to me, a newbie, just learning the ropes.

I am inspired by you and grateful for your wisdom. I am listening, I am learning and I am taking your advice.

Thank you!