Christian Husband of uBPD wife - 2 months out - no indication of intent

[PianoDood]

Before I go into the detail of my post, I want to cover a few things first to disclose my need, my intent and my current state of emotional detachment.

First, thanks to all who read, reply and share their own experiences  Along with educating myself on BPD behavior in an effort to understand what has been and is happening to me, the feedback and advice of those who have endured similar experiences has been invaluable in maintaining my current state of detachment, healing and moving forward.

Secondly, I want to say that I welcome feedback from anyone who has gone through an excruciating BPD discard.  But, specifically, I'd like insight or feedback from anyone who has dealt with a situation where you feel strongly about your marital vows (I am a Christian), want to to maintain your honor and respect your vows, yet let the BPD spouse go if they have taken no ownership of their own healing and it has become obvious that the situation is unmanageable.

As I said, I am a Christian and I take my marriage vows very seriously.  But, I also know that I am dealing with an unbelieving spouse.  I say that because of things she's said, her attitude toward Christianity and her spiritual level.  But, also because no one who professes to live their lives by Christian principles (which she doesn't) could ever treat another human being with wonton disrespect consistently and be able to emotionally, mentally and spiritually abuse them with no remorse or without taking any responsibility over the course of years.  Those who are believers will probably identify with this statement.  Back in 2012, when my wife and I were just dating, not yet engaged to be married, that still, soft voice said to me, ":)o NOT become unequally yoked".  I didn't listen... .just like I ignored all of the red flags and justified and absorbed the behavior and made my boundaries moveable.  With that said... .

I could spend 5 paragraphs giving all the background to explain in detail what I'm about to say, but I'm trying to keep this brief.  The Reader's Digest version is... .my wife has "disappeared" or devalued/discarded many times in our 12 years together (8 years dating/engaged and 4 years married).  And every single time, it's been because of life circumstances or the opinions and/or drama chaos caused by her family members and children.  I'm not a perfect human being and I bring my own unique brokenness to the relationship or I wouldn't have ever tried to sustain such a damaging, unhealthy relationship for so long.  I get it and I own that part.  But, her countless disappearances and discards during the relationship truly had nothing to do with anything between us.  Although, true to form, manufactured arguments and conflict that she generated and used as justification for disappearances and discards were always blamed on me.  I could write so much about what I have gone through in this relationship in regard to these disappearances and discards, each one basically sabotaging everything I had done, given and provided to start a life with her on multiple occasions. I have to start with the past 6 months, just to try to be brief.  This is a complex situation (aren't they all?).  But, before I go into the past 6 months, I have to do a quick flashback that may seem disjointed at first, to 2012.

2012.  My girlfriend at the time is living in 200 miles away.  We had met at a professional baseball game in 2006... .won't go into the detail of all of that, but the circumstances basically triggered my own "rescuing, sacrificial empath" tendency (something I am addressing in therapy) and we started a very intense, idealized relationship.  I was her knight in shining armor.  She was my wounded, unloved waif.  Oversimplification, but it will have to do at the moment.  Back to 2012.  She is living 200 miles away from me.  I have been trying for almost 6 years already to get under the same roof with her and begin a life together.  But, there was always drama, chaos and uncertainty in her life that blocked it.  Always a delay.  Well, during that time in 2012, she began to tell me about activity her eldest son (18 at the time) was involved in.  How he had his little "hustle" going on, how he had a closet full of new clothes and 13 pairs of shoes... .very unusual for an 18 year old who live with his mother and 2 siblings at his grandparent's house.  I warned her multiple times that what he was doing was probably illegal and she needed to be a parent and find out exactly what he was doing.  She even involved herself in the activity by going to Western Union and receiving/wiring money for him to "funny names" as she called them as we chatted on the phone.  I warned her over and over that what he was doing was illegal and that she should not involved herself in it because she could be also charged with wire fraud, which, in the United States, is a federal offense.  But, her relationship with her eldest son was a very controlling one.  Her eldest son basically took the place of her ex-boyfriend (the father of her 3 children)... .a man who spent 10 years in prison for trying to kill her.  She would do anything her eldest son would tell her to do.  No parenting skills at all.  None.  Zero.  He was the dominant.  So, she would involve herself in that activity.  And I kept warning her about it.  Well, fast forward 3 months.  During a period of yet another "discard" on her part, I received a call from the FBI about her son's activity.  Apparently they found out that I was in a relationship with her and thought I might be a good source of information.  Would anyone lie to the FBI when they ask pointed questions?  I didn't.  And my wife (girlfriend at the time) found out that I had talked to them.  So, of course, I was to blame for the FBI raiding her parent's house 4 times and raiding her son's apartments over the course of the past 6 year at least 3 times.  Not HIS fault.  Not HER fault.  But MINE because I talked to the FBI.  Flash forward 6 years (and several other discards later) to 6 months ago.

Her son was told by the FBI that he could either testify against the person who ran the crime ring he was involved in or they would charge him also.  He declined to testify.  So, last November, he was charged with 6 major felonies, including 2 counts of racketeering. 5 20-year max felonies and 1 15-year max felony.  That was the beginning of the devaluation phase of this most recent (and final discard).

As soon as her son was charged in November, she began withholding affection, withholding intimacy, doing things that destroyed trust and trampled on my boundaries while taking no ownership for it, making snide remarks and calling me names, etc.   But, this was also sprinkled in with the push/pull, loving words, taking the day off to spend the day with me at a museum, going on little adventures together as a couple.  However, in early January, her son was offered a plea agreement which included federal incarceration.  It was at that point that it started to become obvious to them (should have been obvious long before that), that her son was not going to get a slap on the wrist.  It wasn't a matter of IF he was going to prison, it then became obvious to her that it was just a matter of HOW LONG he was going to prison.  She discarded by going out until 2am without calling me to tell me what she was doing and what time she might be home.  She knows that a major boundary for me, not just because of trust, but because I don't like sitting up worrying about my wife, not knowing when she's going to be home.  She manufactured an argument over a boundary that she knew would cause a major issue and then proceeded for 2 days to go passive-aggressive, take no ownership, which she knew would escalate the issue.  And then, came home 2 days after the incident, announced she was leaving without warning, packed 2/3 of her belongings and moved back to her parent's house again.  I was devastated, crushed... .I hadn't don't anything to her except have NORMAL, HUMAN REACTIONS TO HER WORDS AND BEHAVIOR.  I know this.  And she blamed me, saying I "pushed he away" and said the most cruel things to me when she left.  Then, she went absolutely radio-silent.  No communication with me except for 2 text messages telling me to leave her alone and an email blaming me for the discard and shaming me for shutting off her cell phone after 30 days of no communication from her except 2 text messages telling me to leave her alone.  After 30 days of that, she had the gall to say, "You shut off my cell phone.  I guess that means you don't want to communicate with me anymore."  HUH?  LOL.  Such bizarre behavior!  She hasn't even come back for her dress clothes or other possessions she left behind.  Her son is scheduled to be sentenced at the end of next month.

Now, I've said all of that to say this... .here it is, 2 months after her discard and 1 month since I went no contact and started to detach.  And she has made no indication or movement toward divorce.  I am focused on my own healing and on getting my own life moving forward in a positive direction.  And, I am a Christian, so I believe strongly in my vows.  At this point, that's not because I have hope that there will be a recycle or hope of reconciliation.  As I said earlier, I fully believe I am justified in letting her go because she's an unbeliever and has chosen to leave for reasons that are not justified.  I am truly ready to break free and be happy.  I just don't understand the behavior.  In just about every situation I have heard about in regard to divorce, the spouse that left typically has already filed or will file for divorce either before they leave or very shortly afterward.  She's been gone 2 months and she's made no indication what her intentions are.  She knows that because of my beliefs, I will not file for divorce.  Doesn't mean I want her back, just means I am sticking to my principles.  But, I'm wondering she's not just going to let this just sit for a long period and force me by default to file for divorce.  Strange that someone would want to carry around someone else's last name if they don't love them and don't want to be with them.  I don't at all understand her behavior.  I suppose, if she forces me to, I will eventually have to file for divorce if she doesn't.  But I have received no divorce papers 2 months out and no indication from her if/when she plans to file.  So very strange and confusing.

Has anyone else experience a spouse discarding and then not doing anything to move toward divorce?  How did you handle it?  What was the final outcome?  Did they eventually file for divorce as some point down the line?  Any feedback or insight would be so very welcomed!

~One Confused Pianodood


 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PianoDood-

There is NOTHING easy about this situation.  In time you'll hopefully look yourself in the eyes, despite or with the support of your religious beliefs and become ready to move forward with your own life.  Right now it feels like your BPDw still has possession and ownership of most of your thoughts.  What can you do to change your "channel" and begin your healing process?

We KNOW us "nons" would NOT say the horrible things or perpetrate most of the horrific actions that many pwBPD do.  Regardless of religious principles... .the behaviors can be inhumane!  They're cruel, lack integrity and are devoid of kindness.  We would not do or say these things to strangers, much less to people we profess to love!

So here's how I see it.  You do NOT need to "pay" for her sins daily for the rest of your life.  When my husband of 19 years decided to throw me across the room and into the wall, he had a plan, I guess.  I didn't ask what that plan was... .it wasn't important.  What I KNEW, was that his action TERRIFIED me and broke my heart.  So I filed for divorce.  All the mistakes I made after that, in my very weakened state are irrelevant (refused restraining order, fled my life, blah blah blah).  He defied every agreement he made to stay away from me.  Whatever... .it was 7 years ago.  And I'm not even on this site because of him (although I may be).

Your question - Will a pwBPD file for divorce?  I don't know! 
Will YOUR BPDw file for divorce?  Probably not.  Because if she does, she can't blame YOU for that!  And it sounds like she HAS to blame you for pretty much everything.  So why not this, too? 

Do you want to continue these blame cycles with your wife?
Do you desire control over your own earthly destiny?   We have so little control as it is... .given the choice to "take the wheel", will you?

Healing yourself and being emotionally healthy are A-OK with GOD!

Both devout and non-religious people take marriage  vows with faith - it's all a leap of faith, in my opinion.  But we are given one precious life by GOD.  I don't believe we are meant to squander these brief moments.

If the way for YOU to bring joy and meaning to your life and others is to get that divorce, then pray for GOD's guidance and take your steps.

I hope I am not being hard on you, PianoDood.  That is not my intention.  We just have to take our steps to begin our healing. 

Maybe divorce is too big a leap at this juncture.  Maybe other steps are what you need to start your journey forward toward healing.  There are wonderful lessons on the right side of the board to guide you here.

Maybe it's more vital for you to disregard her unknown "intent", start counting on yourself, and creating your own intent for YOUR life.  Something you CAN have faith in... .

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ForeverDad]

She will do what she will do - or not do.  There's little you can do to change that.  After all these years she's sensitized to you.  She can't or won't listen to you or your logic or your entreaties because the emotional baggage of the relationship gets in the way.  She may behave nicer with others who aren't in close relationships with her but that's because BPD is most evident inclose relationships and what is closer than a marriage?

So you have to Accept (review the 5 stages of grieving a relationship loss) the Reality... .after all this time, more than a decade, you know she won't change for you no matter what you do - or don't do.

Since she has a grown son, I conclude you both are at least 40 or older.  You're no longer youths.  You're fully adults now.  So you have two choices... .Continue as you have been living, appeasing and acquiescing to her unilateral terms.  Or, for your own mental health and life, you decide the marriage is too unhealthy and too dysfunctional to continue.

I divorced and yet I treasure marriage.  I have a long religious history, I was a religious volunteer for some 25 years.  (I'm paying the price for it now since Social Security credits for those years were minimal.)  I did everything I could to keep my marriage going but once we had a child (after a dozen years married) she changed, I was discarded and I saw I was at risk of being accused of child abuse.  I had no choice but to divorce for self-protection.  And thereafter I faced many allegations.  I was no longer loved, in her mind she rejected me and made me her enemy.  I faced my view of marriage and resulting divorce as something I just had to do, I didn't have any options left.

It is good you value marriage.  Sadly, your other half is mentally unhealthy and dysfunctional.  Which means the marriage is too.  These days, where a marriage can end on a whim, your perspective is admirable but you're yoked to someone who sees things vastly differently.  She's putting her adult son ahead of you and the marriage.  No one (except disordered her) will blame you for deciding and accepting that your lives have split into two different directions.

The reality just Is.  She probably will Blame you but that's because her perceptions require her to Blame someone other than herself and so she will Shift Blame onto you.

[PianoDood]

Just a little more background about where I'm at on this. I started seeing a therapist about what I recognized as codependent and rescuing tendencies in my relationship with my wife when she went through her discard cycle almost exactly a year before this final discard. This has been a regular thing with her. This therapist I am seeing has helped me immensely. And she has also asked me why I still wear my wedding ring after what my wife did in January. So she is asking me those questions. And my answer to her was, at this point I almost want her, my wife, to take responsibility for something. Even if it's a divorce. Own something. Make a firm decision on something other than just running whenever circumstances make someplace or someone else more important to you. While that may be unhealthy in and of itself because it's my way of trying to force her to take responsibility for something, it's where I'm at currently. I'm just being honest. It's not because I want her back, it's not because I have hope that she'll recycle and get help, I don't believe that will ever happen with her. It's because I want to remain a man of integrity and yes, part of me wants her to own up to something, make a firm decision on something, take ownership and responsibility of something. Even if it's filing for divorce. But I also understand everyone's statements that she may not take any responsibility and try to force me overtime to file for divorce, which I will eventually do if that's what she does. But, at this juncture it's still a journey, a process for me and at this point I'm still wanting her to take responsibility for something.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Pianodood. It is awful to be discarded and demeaned and disrespected.

Good that you are seeing a therapist and that you recognized the rescuing/fixing stuff. Many of us here can identify with you on those tendencies.

Getting divorced involves cognitive processes that might be a stretch for her right now. Her son is going to prison, maybe for a long time, and their relationship sounded enmeshed. Her emotions are probably extremely dysregulated and that's not a good place for someone with BPD. Her problem-solving and cognitive hold on practical matters are likely compromised even more than normal.

That might explain why she's doing nothing.

What's left for you to decide is what you'll do if she continues to do nothing.

Taking responsibility is not a hallmark of BPD. Totally the opposite, actually. Even when presented with hard evidence. In fact, when confronted with evidence, the blame shifting seems to escalate. My ex would dip into psychosis, even. The psyche will resort to some impressive protective moves when taken to the mat, it would seem.

It might be a wise idea to evaluate any risks to staying married while living separately. There may be none where you live, but it never hurts to gather information and understand how things work so that even when you do nothing, you know what (if any) consequences there might be.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PianoDood-

Livednlearned makes a really important point at the end of her post.  There can be unknown consequences and risks of remaining legally tied to a dishonest person.  And you have worked hard to regain your financial footing.

My ex-husband was a notorious liar and I kept him honest for 19 years.  A few months after I fled, I insisted that my attorney obtain what's called a "birfurcated divorce", because I was no longer there to "monitor" his lies.  That's a divorce in advance of a settlement agreement.

I could not risk being held responsible for things he might do.  A few months later, he forged my signature on a sizable U.S. Treasury check.  I was the one who lost out, but he COULD have done it to someone else... .and exposed me.  just an example.

For a brief moment I stepped out of my deeply emotional shoes and into my sensible shoes... .and am thankful I did.  Please consider doing the same for your peace of mind - or maybe just consult with an attorney.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes