She is mad at me again, same trigger once again.

[Red5]

So my S31 speicial needs (autistic) is taking his evening shower, with timer bell set for fifteen minutes, and the bell goes off, and I can hear that he has not shut off the water yet, so I can feel the BPD vibes coming, as u/BPD wife will slip her rail if S31sn does not turn off the water post haste, as soon as that &¥% bell goes off, .so I stop what I am doing and go into the bathroom and say, (this is where I F’ed up)... .I say, S31sn please turn off the water now before (wife) comes in here and yells at you ok buddy, .well I thought she was out of ear shot, but she heard me, so now u/BPD wife is spitting mad at Red5 again, so here we go with “get away from me”... .“you ain’t sleeping in here”... .and such as and such like.

Oh well, Red5 screwed it up again with u/BPD wife the super step mom, can’t keep it on an-even keel all the time eh’.

Another episode of “runing interference dysfunction” brought to you by BPD inc.

I had it coming I reckon,

Hope everyone is doing alright tonight out there,

Red5
    

[Mutt]

Hi Red5,

It has to be pretty depressing to go through the same thing again? You’re trying to protect S31, your uBPDw’s actions aren’t your fault. Why 15 minutes? Is it because of the water bill? Does he tend to take regally long showers?

[Red5]

Hi Red5,

It has to be pretty depressing to go through the same thing again? You’re trying to protect S31, your uBPDw’s actions aren’t your fault. Why 15 minutes? Is it because of the water bill? Does he tend to take regally long showers?

Good evening Mutt,

The timer bell was implemented to limit S31sn’s time in the shower due to otherwise he may stay in there for an hour, it has to do with stimulation and his autism, he is a functioning six-eight year old, in a grown mans body, this bathroom fixation is a source of constant diress between myself and his step mother, u/BPD wife.

This but just one element of S31sn’s daily care that I deal with, as well running constant interference with u/BPD wife’s constant “across my bow” actions.

Sometimes I really think she does not even like him, insert BPD traits of here, but she knew this was my life long responsibility when she married me eight years ago... .

This constant angst between her and me in regards to S31sn’s care is non stop.

Red5

[DaddyBear77]

I say, S31sn please turn off the water now before (wife) comes in here and yells at you ok buddy

So am I correct in assuming this line is where you feel you f---ed up?

The timer bell was implemented to limit S31sn’s time in the shower due to otherwise he may stay in there for an hour, it has to do with stimulation and his autism

Do you agree with this restriction?

[Red5]

So am I correct in assuming this line is where you feel you f---ed up?

Do you agree with this restriction?

DB77,
I was pretty tired this evening both physically and emotionally and maybe I should not have infused “or she will come in here and yell at you”... .as S31sn’s will mimicking my behaviors as any child would his father, she is always saying that when I do this, ie’ say such remarks as that it undermines her “authority” over S31sn’s 

The bell... .was implemented as a way to try and head her off from going in there, or else banging on the door when she felt that he should be done with his shower, and no I don’t agree with it, as S31sn’s can respond to my verbal directions of a friendly nature just fine, .u/BPDw is much more the authoritarian to him, and it does a anger me very much when she does this... .I think it is some kind of control thing to her, and the trigger to almost every single fight we have gotten into over the last year that I started “keeping mental records”.

Thoughts?

Red5

[DaddyBear77]

I think it is some kind of control thing to her

I think that could be part of it. Could there also be elements of her feeling like she's "proving" herself as a parent?

I ask that, maybe because I'm projecting, but I deal with very similar issues (I think) with my D4. And, ironically, it was around bath time! Long story short, she asserted her "authority" as a mom to define how I should administer the bath. I'm pretty sure there were elements of her feeling like she would fail as a parent if, somehow, my daughter didn't get as clean as she should (whatever that means to my wife).

My other thought is this: If you're not enforcing rules and restrictions you actually agree with, on some level, you will probably slip up repeatedly, and say things like "... .because if you don't, (wife) will ... ." What do you think about the possibility of refusing to enforce her rules when you don't agree with them?

[5xFive]

Red5,
I too have found myself using this line with S7 much to my regret once it comes out of my mouth. I wish there was another way to say it but honestly! the fact is that my uBPDh WILL get mad at the littlest things and I don’t want my son to get yelled at. I’m still working on what to say. I don’t always agree with h dictations and “rules”. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like I have to respect his wishes when I don’t agree. Or else.

[Red5]

DaddyBear77 writes:

I think it is some kind of control thing to her

I think that could be part of it. Could there also be elements of her feeling like she's "proving" herself as a parent?

I ask that, maybe because I'm projecting, but I deal with very similar issues (I think) with my D4. And, ironically, it was around bath time! Long story short, she asserted her "authority" as a mom to define how I should administer the bath. I'm pretty sure there were elements of her feeling like she would fail as a parent if, somehow, my daughter didn't get as clean as she should (whatever that means to my wife).

My other thought is this: If you're not enforcing rules and restrictions you actually agree with, on some level, you will probably slip up repeatedly, and say things like "... .because if you don't, (wife) will... ." What do you think about the possibility of refusing to enforce her rules when you don't agree with them?

We reengaged this morning, after S31sn’s got off to his day program, I attempted to “still the waters”… but as per usual, no joy, and it quickly escalated into a circular argument, and I stopped it, disengaged, and went to work.

She, u/BPD wife will never relent, it’s her way or the highway, been like this for years now, no give, no room to negotiate with her on this, BUT!… S31sn’s is MY son, not hers, she is indeed his step mother, so in the past I would go along to get along, to a certain extent, and then when the last inch of the “extent” was crossed (boundary) I would stop her, and then the fight would ensue… this is a never ending process, right now I feel… she is quite frankly mean to him, short with him, not patient at all with him, ie’ a b!tch… sorry to say this but it’s true.

I have tried the role reversal thing in my head, what if it was her who had the special needs man child thirty-one going on seven; living with her, and I married her, and moved in with her, and attached myself completely (dependent upon) her, as she has done with me… would I be acting the same way towards her son as she is presently, and consistently acting towards my son… well;… no I wouldn’t… there is nothing beyond the pale here to warrant her degree of controlling behaviors towards my son.

I am perplexed as to what to do about it… nothing I do works with her, she will not relent here,

5xFive writes:

Red5,
I too have found myself using this line with S7 much to my regret once it comes out of my mouth. I wish there was another way to say it but honestly! the fact is that my uBPDh WILL get mad at the littlest things and I don’t want my son to get yelled at. I’m still working on what to say. I don’t always agree with h dictations and “rules”. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like I have to respect his wishes when I don’t agree. Or else.
 
Yes, I can certainly relate 5xFive… the littlest things, a never ending laundry list of hot button items, and couple that with autism behaviors, I have my hands FULL !

Yes, incredibly frustrating, and as well exhausting, I have to handle them both, care for them both, I am a caretaker, and a baby sitter, it never stops, rescue recue recue !… my special needs son, and my u/BPD wife… and like you said, if I try to enforce a boundary here, ie’ disagree, and ask her to standown, or calm down… then its “or else” for me… frustration gets the better of me, and I “pipe off” at the mouth,  there was a time when I watched my verbal reactions towards her, but I have reached a point now that I realize that she is what she is, and that it is not going to ever change, but in fact wax worse over the coming years… and thusly I don’t seem to care anymore… of course you can imagine the response she gives in return when I retaliate … I do not understand why she can’t just let it be… no, she has got  to put her nose into it, and then create chaos resultant… I am so tired,

Red5
 

[Red5]

So last night... .my S31sn's and I are making his lunch for the next day, as he takes the same thing (autism) each and everyday to his day program... .one item is a small container of salt free peanuts... .we all love peanuts right?... .so as we open the peanut container to dump a few into the little lunch item container, I give him a little handful to eat (yum ), and I also have a little hand full, completely innocent yes, .not a big deal in the expansive construct of the never ending universe right... .oh no... .no its NOT according to u/BPDw... .she comes into the kitchen and gets all bent outa shape, "why are you letting him eat those, they are for his lunch ONLY, if he eats them all he will run out before Friday"... .

Red5 thinks to himself, .really, going to run outa peanuts ?... .gee, let me think about this, I own three serviceable vehicles, I live in a town that has at least ten grocery stores, I make tens of thousands of dollars a year, .not a far stretch to go by the #$% grocery store and pick a few more freakin peanuts... .so u/BPDw has chosen a hand full of peanuts this time to have a friggen meltdown over  ... .

I said nothing, .I just looked at her, no JADE... .and my S31sn's and I continued to pack up his lunch for the next day... .

This is but just a small item, of a myriad of items that I put up with everyday, day in, day out... .not really a big deal, but when I cross reference the "journal", and the other "historical source data"... .yeeesh!... .it does wear on you (me).

Her BPD'ism's are on a spectrum, a scale as it were, 1-10... .this was a 1, or a 2... .sometimes she gets all the way out to a hard 8, and we have reached full blown 10 in the past, that's means full blown destructive intent, and acting out to the extreme... .but mostly I get the small numbers, 1-4... .

One would think that a fifty two year old retired Marine could handle the logistical sustainment, the intricate facets of leadership, and as well execution of the packing of a lunch... .but apparently not .

I have to say this, our history has been quite violent at times, she used to drink a little too much... .she used to really slip her rail good, I have been hit, slapped, pocked, and pushed... .she has destroyed things, character assassinated to her FOO, etc etc etc'... .so forth and so on... .you all know the possibilities here, .well, after I came upon this BPD phenomena, .I have managed to scale back the fights to some degree, successfully (tools)... .so say three years ago I was ready to file for divorce, .but today, its not so bad, is this because I'm smarter, and now I think I understand "why", I am certainly "defeated" to some degree here (valentines day rose bowl massacre incident), so much has been destroyed in this relationship/marriage, many unfeeling and uncaring harsh words, explicit mannerisms and et' all... .

I am certainly now resigned to my caretaker roll... .but things are a bit calmer, due to my own instincts being improved where her suspected BPD is concerned... .I just expect it now, no surprises anymore... .that's pretty sad isn't it.

Do I love her?... .it becomes harder to do that, to say that with each passing incident, that is tough for me to say (write), but its the truth sadly.

As I have written before, so many little things have slipped, .the things she says to me in anger, the way she acts towards me in anger, the things she does to me in anger, just kills it off, the attraction/love a little bit at a time.

Yesterday, she was mad a bout the water off remarks, and refused to even say goodbye when I left for work, but this morning, she demands that I say good bye to her, and kiss her, and hug her, and say I love her... .I did put up a little "front" there, but relented, and she said, "there, that's better"... ."that's more like it" she said... .

You want a good wake up call, go back and read your very first post, I did that the other day... .wow !... .the source data as I call it, tells the story.

To channel Pink Floyd... .another brick in the wall... .~> gone, .peanuts !

Red5

[5xFive]

Red5,

I soo get what you’re saying about your crumbling bricks. I’ve been really feeling the same way lately.
Today my uBPDh came home from work and was in a decent mood for the first time this week (its Friday, you know?). But s7 is on spring break so he and d1 were so excited to see Dad that they were all over him. He asked me for a few minutes alone and so I took the kids out of the room so he could smoke some weed and play his game. Well he smokes out of aluminum foil - rolls it into a pipe- because every glass piece he’s had, he’s broken. Either by accident or in a rage. And he likes to pick them out. Since he hasn’t, he doesn’t have one.
So about 5 mins go by and he comes out of the room. I immediately feel my anxiety rise before he opens his mouth and he starts in about how he can’t find his pipe. So I go to try to help him search and he goes all victim, he’s just going to take a nap. I asked if there is a reason that he doesn’t just make a new one and he says he’s tired of always having to work for everything. ... .ok. So then I ask if he’d like me to make one (he’s told me before that I am useless at this and he always has to remake them bc mine are worthless- his words). He says no, just leave him alone, he’s going to sleep. Ok.
So the kids and I leave, I feed them dinner, get S7 set up with a movie and take D1 into her room to lie down with her to sleep. She has JUST fallen asleep when h opens the door. Looks at me and then closes it. Hard. Then 2 mins opens it again, now my heart is pounding, you know? So he very loudly says “Did you make it?” I’m like wha-? Bc I had already forgotten about the pipe. Lol. He SLAMS the door this time. She sits up and starts fussing. I shush her back down and again she is just about asleep when he opens the door again. Now I’m p*%#d. This child is not easy to put to sleep and he knows that! I don’t even know what he said but something ignorant about how I screwed up and then slams the door again. This time so hard that I could hear the door frame crack. I checked it when I left her room and sure enough her door will not close properly anymore, he broke the last fully functional door in the house. Ugh.
So he texts me that he’s leaving. We will try again tomorrow. This does not actually mean that he’s leaving though. This means he wants me to interact with him. I go in the kitchen and he starts in about how I’ve ruined his life and how he has to hide who he is because of me and blah blah blah same stuff he always says. On and on and louder and louder. I just kept my mouth shut and started washing out the coffee pot. I left the kitchen and went to get my water bottle from the other room and as I was coming back he was kind of looming in the doorway. So I stepped to the side and he raged out! Huh? He says: that’s how I’m going to be? I’m such a stupid c-word. Then he goes in our room and rrrrrippps the door off the hinges bc he shut it so hard (to be fair it was already hanging by only a few screws in a broken frame from a previous rage). He comes back out and lays into me about how I only respect his wishes when I know it’s going to hurt him, I don’t ever DO anything for him and on and on. Well the baby woke up again bc her door wasn’t closed and the screaming woke her so I had to go get her back to sleep. And that was the last time I saw him so far.
But the wall is crumbling. My love is ghosting away with every rage. I used to rush after him to try to make up right away. Now I could care less. He wants to leave? Ok. He wants to close himself in the bedroom and isolate himself? More peace for me and the kids. Oh well... .
I’m sorry that I feel this way. All that to say that I understand what you’re feeling. I completely empathize and I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way too.

[formflier]

Red5,

I think the one "legitimate" thing you effed up... .the thing about get out before she comes and yells... .I think you need to "own" that... .apologize and ask her forgiveness.

Pivot then and say you will be doing differently in the future... .that you will be tracking time from bell to him getting out.  With "gentle" reminders. 

Perhaps the apology will shock her... .but don't stay there long.  Move to what you are doing to do in the future.

When she freaks out about peanuts... .own that to.  I decided to let him have some. (nothing more... .let her do whatever).

Hang in there buddy... you can do this!

FF

[Red5]

Hang in there buddy... you can do this!

FF

Hello 5xFive & formflier,

Yes I am doing it, when it rains it pours... .my wife is not in the best of health and we are in the ER two nights in a row this evening ... .please wish me (us) luck and prayers... .

Red5

[5xFive]

Hi red.
Checking in. How are you doing?
5

[Red5]

Hi red.
Checking in. How are you doing?
5

Hello 5xFive, thank you for asking, If you can believe it, right in the midst of yet another five alarm dysregulation, Wow this bravo siera never ends does it.

Wife is having her gall bladder removed this morning, she has had issues with it since Sunday night, a trip to the ER, then admitted and released only to return the next night, then saw a specialist that said that most likely her immunotherapy had done in her gall blader, then on Wednesday we traveled three hours to start her new immunotherpy regime, but the docs up there said her blood work was not supportive, so they sent her home, so today she is getting her gall blader removed,

So she has been BPD extreme all week, cumulative in grand production this morning ugh,

I have been black/ white on and off for the last two weeks to the point of near mental exhaustion, on the trip north Wednesday she pulled one of her favs and dysregulated in the vehicle on the way home, fun times as no where to go, she was quite rude and displeasurable... .then last evening she did it again, and this morning she decided to pick her another fight, on the very day of her procedure.

So a blow by blow, she needed to go to town to get a few things, so she picks a fight, and then wants to know if I am still going with her, so I did, so in the vehicle she ramps it up, starts telling me she does not like me so forth and so on, I tell her to relax and to calm down, but to no avail and she continues to dysregulate even further to the point she tells me to get out and call a cab to get back home, I refuse and demand to be taken back to the house, so she does.

When we get home she tells me to get out, I say as soon as you open the garage with remote as I have left my keys inside the house, so she does, she barely lets me open the door and get one foot on the ground before she speeds off and almost takes me out... .double ugh !

So I go inside and try to calm down, she returns with her purchases, and hides in the office, keep in mind her appointment is just an hour later,  and she has pushed me away, so who is to take her if not me?... .as she has black listed most of her FOO at this point... .I say nothing as I am pissed off now, I have taken the day off from work for this, and she is treating me like this.

So the time to depart comes, she gets up and prepares to leave, I stay in my chair and say nothing, she goes out and gets into her vehicle and pulls out down the driveway but then stops, gets out and comes back inside and says “are you coming or what”, I get up and go with her,

We arrive in the hospital parking lot, she then places a call to her sister who is at her own work and asks her to come and pick her up when she is released, all the while I am sitting right there, sister asks what is going on, I say nothing, sis agrees to come and pick up u/BPDw, who never explains why husband is not doing the pickup... .

Wife ends call puts vehicle into park engine runing and then hands the me the remote start and gets out leaving her door open, I say “really”... .she gives no response and walks away.

I sit there for just a few moments, in the vehicle with engine running and drivers door left open and try to grasp what has just happened,

Then I finally get out and get back in and drive away and go back home.

She is a freakin classic!... .one of her best performances yet!

As I sit here and go over the events that led up to this, I can only conclude that there was no way at all to have avoided this one, as our man formflier says, they (pw/BPD) are going to do what they are going to do, so best to just go on about my day and let her play her victim role, .

Yes, this is one for the record book... .

Hope all is well with you 5xFive,

Best regards, Red5  

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry, Red. Well, you'll have some quiet time until she comes out from under the anesthesia. Then you'll be taking care of her soon enough at home.

I can say, yeah, she was dysregulating because she was nervous about the surgery. And yeah, there's not a lot you can do, other than to keep your mouth shut and your feelings to yourself.

But Red, I don't see anywhere in your posts anything positive that she brings to your life--only conflict.   

Is this really what you want for the next five years? The next 10? The next 30?

I know you're a good guy with a sense of honor and you're a Christian, who believes in the sanctity of marriage. But do you think that this is what Christ would want your life to be like?

You're a dutiful dad to your son and to have to defend him from a raging stepmother for no legitimate complaint, seems really tiring. You have so much to offer other people--your kindness, your awareness, your sense of humor.

Is your commitment to this marriage that important that you sacrifice so much of your own happiness and the joy you can give to others?

I'm certainly not advising you to make a change in that department, but what I am suggesting is that she's able to treat you the way she does because she believes that you will never leave her. If that question was in doubt, she might be motivated to behave better and actually appreciate what you bring to her life.

[Red5]

But Red, I don't see anywhere in your posts anything positive that she brings to your life--only conflict.   

Is this really what you want for the next five years? The next 10? The next 30?

I know you're a good guy with a sense of honor and you're a Christian, who believes in the sanctity of marriage. But do you think that this is what Christ would want your life to be like?

You're a dutiful dad to your son and to have to defend him from a raging stepmother for no legitimate complaint, seems really tiring. You have so much to offer other people--your kindness, your awareness, your sense of humor.

Is your commitment to this marriage that important that you sacrifice so much of your own happiness and the joy you can give to others?

I hear you Cat,

Sadly I have to agree, there is no readable future here, belief system be damned, I am far too damaged from my previous marraige that lasted over two decades to eve begin to try and wait this one out.

No, I am deafeated here... .this is untenable and also unsustainable... .I-am of a
fool to believe anything else, the history over the last eleven years speak for  itself... .I need to escape,  but logistically that is impossible right now.

So it is what it is for now, day to day, hour by hour... .but at least I understand why... .

And no, there is no joy, happiness, or pleasure left, all long ago strangled off by BPD... .I am now just a hollow caretaker now,

Very sad to even say that,  but it is the truth,

Red5

   

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi Red,
I empathize with your shower saga, I get stuck in crazy chaos arguments too. Sometimes, it helps me to reframe the whole situation, to help me with perspective. Sometimes just a slight shift in angle is helpful.’it reminds me of my S4 putting together a puzzle, turning the pieces each way to see if it fits. So I thought I’d try it out on your shower situation. Here goes... .

What would that have gone down like if you agreed with the time limit? What if your wife didn’t have the somewhat controlling aspect about it? What really happens if the time is extended, with your s31?

What would it have looked like without interference? Perhaps would your wife and son disagree, and could that start a renegotiation of the time allowed?

I ask myself questions along the lines of, “what if”... .he wasn’t this way and if things were ok between us, what kind of decision would I make in X situation. Sometimes it helps me arrive at a possibility I hadn’t considered before. Sometimes not. It is exhausting, managing or attempting to manage the chaos. I get it. I’m tired and still can’t sleep... it seems the wee hours of the morning are the only time I can hear myself think, . Seriously. That’s rough stuff there, a son with autism and a spouse with a personality disorder. Self care. That’s a must for me. Most of the time that looks like a nap. Or turning in early.

Best wishes,
Dig.

 

[Red5]

Hi Red,
I empathize with your shower saga, I get stuck in crazy chaos arguments too. Sometimes, it helps me to reframe the whole situation, to help me with perspective. Sometimes just a slight shift in angle is helpful.’it reminds me of my S4 putting together a puzzle, turning the pieces each way to see if it fits. So I thought I’d try it out on your shower situation. Here goes... .

What would that have gone down like if you agreed with the time limit? What if your wife didn’t have the somewhat controlling aspect about it? What really happens if the time is extended, with your s31?

What would it have looked like without interference? Perhaps would your wife and son disagree, and could that start a renegotiation of the time allowed?

Good evening Dig!

Well, if I stay away and don’t interfere, most times she will lose patience and push him too much and then he will act out a little as an autistic really has no way to properly process or else interact, which results in her “need to punish”, which really really really grinds my gears... .

As far as any type of lenience, u/BPDw will have none of that as she is extremely rigid in her attempt at step parenting with my Son, this is the “hallmark” black and white all or nothing thinking process of pw/BPD,

Yea, I am in a tough spot here,

Since the great shove away operation, and split / colored black episode yesterday when she went off on me just an hour and a half prior to her surgical procedure, she has had her ST parodical firmly in effect... .ugh     

I have started to journal again, basically a diary for daily interaction/record keeping of her weekly, almost daily BPD mannerisms... .and also I have started keeping a running calendar of events so that I can better see the patterns, I use designators such as ST for silent treatment, and C for couch, DR for dysregulate, with notes in the margin... .

I want to see this, I want to see how it is effecting me, correlated with her “events” and our daily lives,

I am exhausted and I really am just her caretaker now, and any semblance of a love/marriage relationship has now been destroyed and I am really sad to even say this, .this is weighing very heavy on my mind tonight, .where, how and what to move towards at this point,

Red5   

[Red5]

So sorry, Red. Well, you'll have some quiet time until she comes out from under the anesthesia. Then you'll be taking care of her soon enough at home.

I can say, yeah, she was dysregulating because she was nervous about the surgery. And yeah, there's not a lot you can do, other than to keep your mouth shut and your feelings to yourself.

But Red, I don't see anywhere in your posts anything positive that she brings to your life--only conflict.   

Is this really what you want for the next five years? The next 10? The next 30?

I know you're a good guy with a sense of honor and you're a Christian, who believes in the sanctity of marriage. But do you think that this is what Christ would want your life to be like?

You're a dutiful dad to your son and to have to defend him from a raging stepmother for no legitimate complaint, seems really tiring. You have so much to offer other people--your kindness, your awareness, your sense of humor.

Is your commitment to this marriage that important that you sacrifice so much of your own happiness and the joy you can give to others?

I'm certainly not advising you to make a change in that department, but what I am suggesting is that she's able to treat you the way she does because she believes that you will never leave her. If that question was in doubt, she might be motivated to behave better and actually appreciate what you bring to her life.

Hey Cat, I’ve been reading a lot today... .I am really doing some emotional inventory, I seem to be coming to some kind of ultimatum with myself ... .

Skip wrote this back in 2007;

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it. 

~ Maintaining routine and structure

~ Setting and maintain boundaries

~ Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

~ Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

~ In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

~ Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

~ Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time.

Thoughts?

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Well, Red, that is not a “feel good” list, is it?

In terms of that list, I’d say you have been doing all of that. Perhaps your boundaries around your son need strengthening and you’re far too nice of a guy, so I think you’ve been tolerating more abusive treatment than you should.

It’s hard when patterns have been maintained for a number of years to make big changes, but perhaps that would be an improvement, once you get past the meltdowns that will inevitably occur.

So sorry, Red. You’ve got a lot to deal with.  

[Red5]

In terms of that list, I’d say you have been doing all of that. Perhaps your boundaries around your son need strengthening and you’re far too nice of a guy, so I think you’ve been tolerating more abusive treatment than you should.

It’s hard when patterns have been maintained for a number of years to make big changes, but perhaps that would be an improvement, once you get past the meltdowns that will inevitably occur.

So today is Red5’s birthday # fifty two, .u/BPDw broke her radio silence (ST) long enough to say “happy birthday” this morning as S31 autistic and I were on the way out the door for church this morning... .I only replied “thank you”,

Since the great gall bladder sister-in-law (SIL) swap out operation operation on Friday, she has not said one word to me even if I tried to ask her a question; ie’ “how are you doing-is there anything you need-are you alright”... .  nope, nada, zip, zero, .

And this morning she says happy b-day 

I really think I am done being pushed away, then given the ST, and then offered the “intermentant positive reward” ie’ the recycle... .

And to top all this off, I have to travel across the country tommorow for my job, we talked about all this to the point of nasuea and she told me she would be fine even after I told her I could pass, but she insisted, so I booked the trip, and now I am committed... .

Then all this happened this week, even up till Fridays incident she said I was good to go, .I am in a fix, My other two adult children said they would help with my S31 autistic till I get back on Saturday, .

Yes, I am in a fix, .she always does this, she even told her doctor it would be ok, is this really why she is acting out, my work trip, abandonment issues here?

I have to figure this out, .ugh     

[Dignity&Strength]

Ah ha! Red, I notice something familiar.

My uBPDh dysregulates when I am about to go out of town.  Chaos caused by nonsensical arguments, that’s how mine expresses himself, rather than using simple words like, I’ll miss you and can’t wait until you get back. It’s loss of control and security that he can’t deal with. I wonder... .if yours could be similar? That one took me a while to figure out, several years of trips worth of chaos.

The other thing my uBPDh does, is to create conflict like that around times when closeness is expected, in order to have an excuse not to be close. It’s a cover for my husband’s sexuality I think. So, times of leaving and returning, vacations, holidays, if he’s mad at me, there’s his cover for not being close.

Happy Birthday, I hope there is something wonderful for you today.

Dig

[Red5]

Ah ha! Red, I notice something familiar.

My uBPDh dysregulates when I am about to go out of town.  Chaos caused by nonsensical arguments, that’s how mine expresses himself, rather than using simple words like, I’ll miss you and can’t wait until you get back. It’s loss of control and security that he can’t deal with. I wonder... .if yours could be similar? That one took me a while to figure out, several years of trips worth of chaos.

The other thing my uBPDh does, is to create conflict like that around times when closeness is expected, in order to have an excuse not to be close.

Good morning Dig!

Hope all is well with you, I am sitting in the airport parking lot waiting to start the days travel, lots of things weighing very heavy on my mind this morning.

My u/BPDw is acting exactly as predicted, seems I know and now recognize her never ending pattern of bad behaviors.

What you say about pending travels and special occasions makes perfect sense and exactly fits to what is going on now with my r/s, and as well adding BPDw’s cancer diagnoses and as well all her other health issues compounded on top of that, I have my hands full.

I have no problem putting myself last, and taking care of others when it may be my birthday, or else being responsible for helping others when they need my help and suppprt, but when she gets abusive and acts out as she did last Friday and then blows off my birthday too boot, and then continues it all this morning, as I have to travel for my job, that supports us all, that’s above the pail here.

She does not work now due to her illness, and my income and retirement benefits she completely depends on, and it does make me quite angry to be slighted as I am her sole support and she is basically spitting in my face.

Ah’... .the never ending BPD caretaker role,

Red5

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi Red,
Golly, that sounds like a miserable send off. I hope you have a good trip in spite of it. They say travel broadens the mind... .maybe it’ll ease your mind some. I feel free when I’m finally alone, if I can cut the strings in my mind to thinking about the drama.

I don’t know it this is really weird,, but it helps me a little: I have a yoga friend that says interesting, helpful things sometimes... .this one has helped me when my UBPDh does what you’ve experienced. It’s the word “expand”
She says, to breathe, relax, and “expand”’our capacity to allow experiences to pass through us... .to not hold onto what does not serve us well. Ok, well I admit it’s kinda odd... .but relaxing and breathing and imagining “expanding” what I’m capable of allowing to pass through my experiences helps me to allow his wide stream of chaos to “pass through” instead of getting stuck onto me. And my mind clears a little after that.

I was wondering about the validation tool lesson here on the site. It helps me answer him sometimes, to acknowledge his feelings. Like, I can see you’re upset, and I’m sorry, I don’t want you to feel like that.  And then I put myself in his shoes a little... .”I guess if I were in your shoes and x, y, z, were happening... .I might feel upset too... .what can I do to help?”

Ok, so I’m not good at validation yet really, and it feels wrong to do that with his chaos, but... .it seems to help get us off the chaos cycle sometimes. I need to go back and read the lesson on it.

I hope you have a safe trip,
Dig

[Red5]

Golly, that sounds like a miserable send off. I hope you have a good trip in spite of it. They say travel broadens the mind... .maybe it’ll ease your mind some. I feel free when I’m finally alone, if I can cut the strings in my mind to thinking about the drama.

I don’t know it this is really weird,, but it helps me a little: I have a yoga friend that says interesting, helpful things sometimes... .this one has helped me when my UBPDh does what you’ve experienced. It’s the word “expand”
She says, to breathe, relax, and “expand”’our capacity to allow experiences to pass through us... .to not hold onto what does not serve us well. Ok, well I admit it’s kinda odd... .but relaxing and breathing and imagining “expanding” what I’m capable of allowing to pass through my experiences helps me to allow his wide stream of chaos to “pass through” instead of getting stuck onto me. And my mind clears a little after that.

Hello Dig,

Yes, another FU send off, same as my last week work trip back before Christmas, it does get old... .leaving the home to slay dragons so we can have meat to eat, and I get clubbed over the head and told I am an a$$ hole for doing so... .it really iratates the tar out of me.

Red5 would never do that, even if we were fighting, nope... .I would send her off to slay dragons with a hug and a peck on the cheek... .and a “line about happy hunting”... . but not her    no way... .

I like your yoga energy bit, let the negativity just pass through you, I think I actually try to do this sometimes as in say nothing during the verbal beatings... .however coma,  ... .

If negative energy ie’ cursed words is gama radiation, passing through your helmet visor, and shiny armored exterior... .I am afraid that after awhile, my little beating red fleashie heart has indeed turned into a lump of coal... .

Eventually you get beaten down, .and then you start to imagine and day dream of a life somewhere beyond BPD where you don’t have to get beaten up everyday... .

Yeah, slaying dragons is hard work, but the family has got eat, I just wish that poor old Red5 was appreciated just a freakin little bit for his efforts to keep the coldrons at home full of tasty morsels, . can a guy ever get a break ?

Take good care Dig

Red5

[Red5]

So as I am on my way to airport very early this AM, after I got the most disrespectful FU send-off, on this five day work trip out west, I get text bombed and straffed.

She called me first, but I missed it, so I called her back and she hung up on me, keep in mind this is a little after seven AM... .

W/Don't call my phone. I have your number blocked!

Red5/LoL

Red5/Hang up game... .cute

W/No. You are intruding on my ME time!

Red5/You got five days to cool off and figure out what you are going to do, your future is up to you now.

W/My future is to be chained to an ass of a husband for the rest of my life!

Red5/No it's not, you have options.

W/No. Not since my diagnosis . No one will hire me and you are always going to be an ass

Red5/You may be surprised, don't sell yourself short.

W/I already did. I married you.

W/I can't go back now and undo 11 years

Red5/I want you to spend some time this week while I am away and I want you to try and figure out what it will take for you to find your true happiness, to what ever ends that may be.

W/Finding the man I thought I married

-I stopped responding... .

Is this projection?

Red5

[5xFive]

Red5,

I don’t have an answer to your question about whether or not it is projection. But I can tell you that conversation is almost word for word the conversations that I have with my uBPDh. Amazing. I mean, I knew what she was going to say next. How is this even possible? I like your “hang up game... .cute”. I never think it’s cute but maybe I need to switch my mindset. My husband will call and rant and rage and I can’t get in a single word and then he’ll hang up on me. I’m working on letting my stuff go but then he starts the texting (and his rule is I am NEVER allowed to text him). THEN he gets mad that I’m not calling him! I guess it’s all part of the game as you call it.
Been hearing today how I am the worst mistake of his life, and he wishes I would die. And he hopes he can be there to watch me die painfully. I know something has broken inside of me because I often think (when he says this) that I hope that happens too because then maybe he will regret saying it?
I wish I had advice for you. I don’t. But you are not alone. I can tell you that.
I truly hope your trip is like a mini vacation for you. Try to breathe into the empty spaces between phone calls and texts. And enjoy your time alone.
5

[Red5]

Red5,

I don’t have an answer to your question about whether or not it is projection. But I can tell you that conversation is almost word for word the conversations that I have with my uBPDh. Amazing. I mean, I knew what she was going to say next. How is this even possible? I like your “hang up game... .cute”. I never think it’s cute but maybe I need to switch my mindset. My husband will call and rant and rage and I can’t get in a single word and then he’ll hang up on me. I’m working on letting my stuff go but then he starts the texting (and his rule is I am NEVER allowed to text him). THEN he gets mad that I’m not calling him! I guess it’s all part of the game as you call it.
Been hearing today how I am the worst mistake of his life, and he wishes I would die. And he hopes he can be there to watch me die painfully. I know something has broken inside of me because I often think (when he says this) that I hope that happens too because then maybe he will regret saying it?
I wish I had advice for you. I don’t. But you are not alone. I can tell you that.
I truly hope your trip is like a mini vacation for you. Try to breathe into the empty spaces between phone calls and texts. And enjoy your time alone.
5

Thanks 5,

Working hard out here... .lots of time to think, good to see old friends again from the service, it’s a little after three AM here, the moon is hanging in the sky. the temp is about 45 degrees... .time to start another day here, going to be another busy day of flying operations... .hope every one has a great day.

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

This sounds miserable, Red.   

You’re doing well not engaging, but yuck—all that nastiness and blame from her!

Is there any possibility that she could live elsewhere with relatives or a friend? From what I remember about your story, you keep her on your health insurance, so it’s in her best interest to remain marrried?

[Red5]

You’re doing well not engaging, but yuck—all that nastiness and blame from her!

Is there any possibility that she could live elsewhere with relatives or a friend? From what I remember about your story, you keep her on your health insurance, so it’s in her best interest to remain marrried?

Hello Cat,

“But wait there’s more, for the low price, of $19.99, plus shipping, you can double your order”... .

So I am on this working trip, and we started very early this past morning, she knows what I am doing and where I am at, but she just could not resist to send me text messages this morning at 04:30 in the morning my time as she is on the east coast, and I am on the west coast, three hours time difference,

W/S31 special needs decided to try to wash in the tub again this morning. I have taken away his computer to let him know that he cannot do that.

Red5/Great.

W/What am I supposed to do? He is asking me if Dad is mad or what. At least act like your mad so he knows he can't get away with this.

Red5/I am working.

W/I know. Sorry your family is not all always convenient.

Red5/I am in the back of the aircraft right now with power on, what can I do... .do you want me to to talk to him... .if so I have to leave the aircraft.

W/No.

... .I then turned off my phone so that she would stop,

She knows what I am out here for, and what I am involved in, I should not have even had my cell on me where I was at... .why does she do things like this, this was something she could have handled herself and then told me about it later, but wait, we aren’t speaking remember?... .she is pissed because I am on this work trip, .here I was, we were preparing the aircraft for its test misssion later that morning in the very early hours before dawn, she knows this and she still persists in texting me with something she claims she is in control of in my absence... .

Why?

Why does she do this every single time I travel.

I really do hate leaving the care of my S31 special needs to her for these few days, even with my other two, D25, and S27 as backup as they live local, I still don’t like it but I have no other choice at this time.

I am so tired of dealing with all her drama... .so what S31 special needs wanted to do what he did, this is typical autistic behavior... .get over it, it’s NOT a big deal, but she has to make it a big deal, and bother me with it while we are out here doing this job... .and she just HAS to punish him by taking away his computer time.

I’ll be back home Saturday night, two more work days to go and a day of travel... .

Why is she doing this if she does not want to talk to me anyway while I’m on travel.

I call my S31 special needs every day, at eight pm his time, so that he knows I love him, .obviously... .I am calling her phone so that I can talk to him, so when it rings, she hands it to him and does not speak to me... .

Remember the first text tirades above when she told me she blocked my number?

Keeping in mind that Red5 pays ALL the bills, and this is how I am treated.

A couple of “blowups” ago, she did threaten to leave, and her FOO sister offered to let her move in with them across town, this is same FOO SIL that she allied to pick her up from the hospital last Friday after her procedure,

I am so tired of all this Bravo Sierra... .she seems to only be getting worse in her behaviors... .

Red5