She is mad at me again, same trigger once again.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red, how's it going? You home now?

[Red5]

Hey Red, how's it going? You home now?

Hello Cat!, and thank you for asking, .yes Red5 is back from travel now, a successful evolution, and got to see many of my old bubba's from our days in service together.

As far as homecoming, u/BPD wife initiated a reason to talk late that Thursday prior to return, a discussion about something urgent that overrode her ST protocol ()... .so that turned into a little bit of blame, and some JADE on her part, and I rolled on it, and just let it go, now she had an "in" again to talk to me... .so the next day Friday, last day of "travel operations", the evening check-in phone call with my S31 special needs resulted in "like it never even happened" conversation between her an I... .(?whiskeytangofoxtrot!)... .again, I just let it "roll"... .

So by the time I arrived back home after flying all day; on Saturday evening late, the entire incident had been erased from the short term memory, .yes; as though it never happened.

So a full recycle has again occurred... .but I did journal everything before my own memory faded out in the light of recycle, and seemingly harmonious dialog between her and I over the average day to day banter, church services, grocery shopping, school, work, bills, pets, yard work, home improvements, etc etc etc '... .

I did ask her, late on Sunday evening;... .while she was in a somewhat "good" mood, ."dear, care to explain to me why your were so angry with me the other week prior to my departure for XXXX ?"... .she only said, and then quickly changed the subject... .she said, ."I was furious with you"... .I just let it go, and quietly filed it away in my memory... .so no explanation was offered, .a per usual, .she is now sailing high, on her "up-cycle"... .Red5 is back in good graces once again, .for now,

Of interest, this last weekend, we were re-arranging my S31(autistic)'s room, we added a recliner chair, and moved his bed around, and added a new computer desk... .I suggested to move it this way, and she countered to do it "her" way, .I offered some measurements, and some other "ideas"... .and I immediately picked up some BPD'ism's... .coming up on my radar, .I then observed, and listened, as she began to come a little unglued at the thought of "losing control" of this minor evolution, .so I did a little SET, and validated her concerns, and ideas to the contrary of mine, and I let it go a little, and observed her BPD needle indicators (mannerisms) return to green from "RED"... .and we were able to continue and a dysregulation-fight was avoided... .

SO(!)... .later in the day, she says to me... ."thank you for helping me with that chair", .(and)... ."you're a good husband"... .(?)... .and she further says... ."you handled me well"... .(ok)... .what the F was that, .["you handled me well"]... ... .ok ?

Did I miss something there, is she actually indeed aware of her behaviors to some degree, but not in control (duh)... .did I actually get some kind of "atta-boy", some "credit"... .["you handled me well"]... .hmmm (?) and yeah, .wow, that kinda stunned me to hear that, .whatever  

Day 9.5 of recycle, .all is well, radar is tuned, and I am standing by, .so far so good, but I know she will slip her rail again in a few daze, .over something, something I may miss, maybe something to do with my S31(autistic), .or else something I may say without first "self-editing"... .or it may be some kind of FOO "false flag"... .an unavoidable eventuality... .I figure it will be on or about this Wednesday or Thursday... .if my historical metrics are correct, ie' about eleven daze between cycles... .what do they say, "part and parcel" ... .

Hope all is well in your grid square Cat!

Red5
  

[AskingWhy]

Red5, one of the worst things about a BPD spouse is waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Each spouse has his/her own "radar" on when a spouse will dysregulate when one identifies triggers.  For my uBPD/uNPD H, it was when one of his adult children was blackmailing him for money to buy something or had a DUI.  H would them project his anger onto me.

I am glad your awareness of your W's BPD triggers is helping you anticipate and manage the episodes.

[AskingWhy]

Red5, one of the worst things about a BPD spouse is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

Each spouse has his/her own "radar" on when a spouse will dysregulate when one identifies triggers.  For my uBPD/uNPD H, one trigger was when one of his adult children was blackmailing him for money to buy something or had a DUI.  When they were small children, H would dysregulate when he anticipated his visitation with them.  He had to pick them up from his X W who is uNPD and who cheated on him, then left to marry her lover.  H would them project his anger onto me.

I am glad your awareness of your W's BPD triggers is helping you anticipate and manage the episodes.

[Cat Familiar]

SO(!) ... .later in the day, she says to me ... ."thank you for helping me with that chair", ... .(and) ... ."you're a good husband" ... .(?) ... .and she further says ... ."you handled me well" ... .(ok) ... .what the F was that, ... .["you handled me well"] ... . ... .ok ?


Interesting how that statement shows a certain amount of self awareness.

Good work, Red! 

Something that occurs to me with BPD is that the non is frequently following the BPD on the emotional ups and downs and never knows what to expect.

As we gain more awareness and strategies, we can stay on an even keel and merely observe their emotional chaos.

It reminds me of surfing, something I attempted to do in my youth with very marginal ability. Unfortunately where I lived, the surfers were really aggressive and threatening to novices attempting to share "their waves". So not only did one need to pay attention to the oncoming sets of waves, but to the other surfers.

Knowing that I neither wanted to be clobbered by the "good waves" nor by angry surfers, I tended to head out to the crappy waves that none of the good surfers would bother with and sometimes just bob on my board beyond the break and see the seals pop up to curiously check me out. It was very peaceful further out and I didn't have to worry about getting in someone's way.

So now I think of hanging out where the waves aren't and peacefully enjoying the breathing space apart from the chaos.

[Red5]

Red5, one of the worst things about a BPD spouse is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

Each spouse has his/her own "radar" on when a spouse will dysregulate when one identifies triggers.  

I am glad your awareness of your W's BPD triggers is helping you anticipate and manage the episodes.

AskingWhy,

Yes, the anticipation of the imminent conflagration/dysregulation during the watching of the hanging/teetering shoe can be quite bothersome if I allow it to take up headspace, even after you are "used to it"... .did I really just say that, "used to it"... .ugh  ... .I watch, I wait, I am able to anticipate... .and I am now getting better at what happens after "it" happens now, said another way; I am in more control of my own resultant emotions and as well actions or else non-action(s) when u/BPDw slips her rail... .is this what formflier calls "Radical Acceptance" ?

Perhaps this equation,

Radical Acceptance + Caretaking(BPD) = ?

I was never much good beyond basic math LoL !

Interesting how that statement shows a certain amount of self awareness.

Something that occurs to me with BPD is that the non is frequently following the BPD on the emotional ups and downs and never knows what to expect.

As we gain more awareness and strategies, we can stay on an even keel and merely observe their emotional chaos.

So now I think of hanging out where the waves aren't and peacefully enjoying the breathing space apart from the chaos.

Cat,

Love the surfing analogy !

Yes, "tossed about are we on the never ending, ebbing waves in the sea of life!"... .

Following the BPD, not to close, but just close enough to be there for them (caretaking), but just far enough away to be able to "read them" a bit... .so we can see that "wave of BPD" starting to form a little out past the breakers of normalcy/normal behaviors... .and when we see the wave coming, we know that we will never completely control the wave, or even continuous waves... .but at least we got a little warning, an we can "brace ourselves"... .and ride it out, until the next waves come along, but must be careful to not lose your footing, or you will be sucked under, and the wave will keep you there just under the surface, rolling, tumbling, controlling, even drowning you... .and hopefully not to be bashed into rocks or coral... .but maybe there will be soft sand to cushion the impact with the bottom... .and then just like that, the wave expends it energy onto the shore, and you are once again released... .and on your feet again, .an "even keel" again... .until the next wave comes, and it will come... .

Waves, .captivating, beautiful, alluring, .but dangerous sometimes if you are not ready for them.

... .and it was right about then, outa nowhere, .Red5's own surfboard smacks him on his grape... .ouch !

Thanks,
Best regards, and safe travels !
Red5