Husband accused me of lying when child's toy didn't play song

[Depression = 72% of members]

One recurring topic of accusation in our relationship is that my uBPDh feels that I lie to him.  His words would be "you are a liar, as always", or something of this sort.  There were a couple times in which I "lied" to him, i.e. not fully disclosing all information, for example, I have talked to girlfriends about some of our relationship issues before, and he outright said "this is cheating", and called me a liar.  (fyi, I don't talk to friends anymore about him, at least not anything negative, so I wouldn't have to "lie" even if he asks.  Not because I'm afraid of him, but because I can't be bothered to hide, you know?  It's just easier to tell him "I don't speak to people about our relationship" and know in my heart it is true.  Being on this board is another thing... .he will never know about it, I don't use my home computer or phone to access this board.)

Anyway, he seems to like to bring the "lying" issue up whenever the opportunity arises.  Like I bought our kid a toy, it says on the packaging that the toy would playing xyz.  I have not opened it so I can only rely on what the packaging claims.  He opened the toy for kid, he does not hear xyz, then he texted me and say "You lied to me, as always, why did I trust you".  Then afterwards he pressed something and the toy indeed plays xyz, and of course he would not say sorry, or that he falsely accused me.  He would just pretend nothing happened.  Or he would still twist the facts so that I would still be in the wrong.  

I don't think he was angry, or else he would go on and on about it, but this time I chose to just kind of move on to another topic.  I have long given up hope that he would apologise for false accusations- not continuing them is good enough for me.  But I wondered if I should have dug deeper and try to "solve" the deeper issue of him always thinking I lie to him?  How would you have responded in this situation, and how could I have done bettter?  (Mind you, the matter did not escalate, of course I don't like being false accused and that bothers me somewhat, but I think I handled it relatively well.  I just wanted to see if I was merely avoiding a problem, should I have tackled it head-on or what?)  Thanks!

[Chosen]

One recurring topic of accusation in our relationship is that my uBPDh feels that I lie to him.  His words would be "you are a liar, as always", or something of this sort.  There were a couple times in which I "lied" to him, i.e. not fully disclosing all information, for example, I have talked to girlfriends about some of our relationship issues before, and he outright said "this is cheating", and called me a liar.  (fyi, I don't talk to friends anymore about him, at least not anything negative, so I wouldn't have to "lie" even if he asks.  Not because I'm afraid of him, but because I can't be bothered to hide, you know?  It's just easier to tell him "I don't speak to people about our relationship" and know in my heart it is true.  Being on this board is another thing... .he will never know about it, I don't use my home computer or phone to access this board.)

Anyway, he seems to like to bring the "lying" issue up whenever the opportunity arises.  Like I bought our kid a toy, it says on the packaging that the toy would playing xyz.  I have not opened it so I can only rely on what the packaging claims.  He opened the toy for kid, he does not hear xyz, then he texted me and say "You lied to me, as always, why did I trust you".  Then afterwards he pressed something and the toy indeed plays xyz, and of course he would not say sorry, or that he falsely accused me.  He would just pretend nothing happened.  Or he would still twist the facts so that I would still be in the wrong.  

I don't think he was angry, or else he would go on and on about it, but this time I chose to just kind of move on to another topic.  I have long given up hope that he would apologise for false accusations- not continuing them is good enough for me.  But I wondered if I should have dug deeper and try to "solve" the deeper issue of him always thinking I lie to him?  How would you have responded in this situation, and how could I have done bettter?  (Mind you, the matter did not escalate, of course I don't like being false accused and that bothers me somewhat, but I think I handled it relatively well.  I just wanted to see if I was merely avoiding a problem, should I have tackled it head-on or what?)  Thanks!

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[Calmcollected]

This happens to me to. I don’t know how to respond either.

[BasementDweller]

Hmmm... .that's a really tough one. It sounds like a difficult thing to have to endure. It's possible the accusations of lying are coming from the pwBPD having trust issues. They don't trust others and they don't trust that others love them, so they likely think they are being lied to about a lot of things, even when that isn't the case.

I don't have a lot of experience with this per se, but something that might help or might at least diffuse the drama and prevent escalations might be to try to use a type of validation tool. Something like:

Him: "You lied to me again as always!"

You: "You feel as if I lied to you? What happened to make you feel that way?" (Here you are acknowledging how he feels without becoming defensive and also asking him to explore his own feelings, and try to explain them. Now he has to examine himself, not you.)

Him: "This toy does not play xyz!"

You (calmly): "Oh, how strange. Here it says on the label that it does. Let's try it and see if there's something we might be missing." (Here you address his concern without defending youself, or even making yourself part of the "lie". If the label is wrong, it's wrong. That has nothing to do with you.)

Him: *finds out the toy DOES play xyz*

You: "Oh, good! I'm glad the label wasn't inaccurate!" (Another subtle reminder that if the toy didn't work right, it wasn't YOU that was lying - without having to defend yourself.) Because putting you on the defense is like candy to a pwBPD. They feed off of it, and want to test you. Don't fall for it!  And here you also are "in collaboration" with him. You are also expressing that his concern was valid, and that you too are relieved he wasn't mislead by the label. But not by you. ;-) Because you didn't lie and you know it. 

Whenever he brings up the lying drama, make it about him, not you. Make: "You feel as if I lied to you? What happened to make you feel that way?" your new go-to phrase. Eventually he may get tired of having to explore and explain his irrational fears and justify them. Whatever he accuses you of, just paraphrase the "That's odd, let's see if we can get to the bottom of this." Don't ever use the word "I" in any of your responses. That's how you can refuse to be associated with the accusation. Let him do the bulk of the investigating to find his answers.

"Try the toy, and see if it plays xyz."

When it turns out you are not lying (which you aren't) "Whew, I'm glad your fears were unfounded!" In the end, it's all about his fears and not your lies. Once he sees that repeated enough times, he may lose the will to keep opening that can of worms.

Good luck!   

[JoeBPD81]

You did well!

He doesn't really think you're a liar, he feels you are. He feels uncomfortable, and has the urge to blame someone for that discomfort, quick!

Bear in mind that what for us is discomfort, for them is a painful lose of control that can push them into total panic. The way to contain it is to blame someone.

It is the hardest thing. My honesty is my most proud value, and I'm accused all the time. I'm learning to not believe her. She has admited many times to me that she gets paranoid, and she knows is her own issue, it is not that I lie, but she can't help thinking it.

So when you hear "you're a liar" you have to register "I'm an axious mess!" Then the appropriate response would be based on that.

As it hurts you, as it hurts me to be called a liar, we can't always answer in a validating compasive way. But we can avoid escalating the conflict. And you did just that.

[BasementDweller]

So when you hear "you're a liar" you have to register "I'm an axious mess!" Then the appropriate response would be based on that.

So true. That is really what they are saying. "I'm anxious and fearful."

As it hurts you, as it hurts me to be called a liar, we can't always answer in a validating compasive way. But we can avoid escalating the conflict. And you did just that.

It takes tremedous practice and patience to respond with compassion, and it's not always doable. Being falsely accused of something triggers anyobody's sense of justice and makes you want to defend. It's REALLY hard not to. Really hard.

You did do well in not escalating him. Good work. It sometimes is so tempting to really fire back. It doesn't help, at least not with my partner, but the temptation has gotten the better of me more than once.

[JoeBPD81]

Glad you agree, BasementDweller

Your answer was great and I take the techings for myself, also. Thanks!

[BasementDweller]

Glad you agree, BasementDweller

Your answer was great and I take the techings for myself, also. Thanks!

Gladly! You can always modify them to fit the particular situation. But I find that when my partner makes irrational complaints, to subtly turn it around and ask him to explore his own feelings either works to get him to see the light, or works by having him see things about himself he doesn't want to see. So he stops there.

[Tattered Heart]

Basement Dweller hit the nail on the head with the questions. Remember, as JoeBPD81 said, it really isn't about you. It is all about your H and what he is experiencing in that moment.

Yep. It is SO frustrating that instead of figuring out the toy on his own his first response is to attack you. But that's just how it is and what he does. Nothing you say or do can change that. But asking him questions to help lead him to the truth of the matter will help him see his own foolishness. Once he sees that you indeed did not lie to him, I would take things one step further and initiate sharing how his behavior affected you:

Calmly and sympathetically say something like, "I understand you were annoyed that the toy didn't play xyz at first. I'm glad it ended up doing so. I don't like being called a liar though. It hurts my feelings." Leave it at that. Don't demand an apology. Don't make the statement accusatory. Just let that sit with him and go on about your day. He may apologize. He may not. But you still spoke your truth. Do you think you could say something like this?

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I'd like to hit on your situation with friends and your H getting upset that you shared some of your problems with friends. My H recently had a meltdown about this and after hours of him being angry about it, he came to a logical conclusion because I stuck to my values.

He found out that I had said something negative about him (not bad, just not putting him in the best light) when I accidentally sent a text to a friend to him instead. After angry texting me all day, when I got home he started to accuse me of making him look bad, choosing my friends over him, and demanding that I not talk about him to my friends. I had time to decide that what I said was not that bad and that I was not going to give in.

So when the accusations came, I told him something like, "I can see how my text seemed like it was talking badly about you. I hope you know that your reputation is very important to me. At the same time, I need to have friends that can support me when I am going through a hard time. I will not share intimate details or complain about you after every fight. But when I am struggling I will ask them for help or prayer."

He did not like this at first, but after about 10 minutes he came to me saying that he is glad I have friends who will listen. But just be more careful about what I say.

You need friends. And you need to be able to share with friends. That's what friends do. 

[Chosen]

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions, they are really helpful!  I know that it is HIM and not ME (man, it's a toy which we bought together based on its packaging, if anything is wrong with they toy, it's their false advertising- it's common sense), and because of the ridiculousness of the issue I managed not to defend myself. 

I guess JoeBPD81 has pointed it out clearly, that he was in panic mode, that something isn't going right for him, and he need to shift the blame to somebody else asap.  Actually something happened last night that confirms it.  He found out that our cat's food plate was a mess.  He had made the cat some chicken and has placed it in a shallow plate, but the chicken has gone all over the floor.  He hates that, even he knows it is a CAT without opposable thumbs.  Anyway, the chicken looked like it was pureed, and the first thing he did was ask me, ":)id YOU cut the chicken into puree?"  And I let him know that I didn't; he cut it himself 5 minutes ago.  He even let me see the whole chicken piece before he cut it.  He was going to blame me for the cat making a mess.  And then he found out that the cat had actually puked up the chicken, probably from eating too fast, hence the puree format, and he still tried to blame me because "you're him mother!".  Oh well.  I didn't even respond to that, it was so ridiculous.  But at least he wasn't saying this in a super pissed-off mode.  That would be hard to let go.