He had his fist ready to punch my face. This is not normal.

[pacifist]

Hi there,

I come from a big family [7 kids], lots of different personalities and opinions. My younger sister was diagnosed with BPD last year and we have always been very close, so I am a bit used to the mood swings and general spazziness. Normally I talk to her when I am having issues or bad days, but today there was an incident that I find very concerning.


My S/O has BPD and his is a bit different. He also is divorced with 2 smart amazing kids that I adore. While my sister would get mad and punch walls, his history is far darker, and he has some serious rage. He took DBT classes in the past but didn't do very well. He has some anger management and more DBT coming up by the end of the month, and he is working very very hard. His coping skills have improved a lot and he is getting better at recognizing when he is being "triggered". He also works through an Emotional Regulation book that I try to help him understand, and while it may seem pretty common sense to me I know he struggles and I try to explain and generally be non-judgemental. He has good days and bad days, but more good than bad. He is usually quite kind to me and thoughtful.

BUUUT Today we were watching a comedy [Downsizing with Matt Damon] and a scene comes on and I make a comment about how it makes me wish I had alcohol. Now talking about drugs triggers him, but alcohol is usually ok [His background is crazy strict on sex, drugs, alcohol, and is super sexist which usually triggers me]. His family doesn't drink ever [religion and cultural background], but he knows mine are always drinking at family gatherings lmao. His family is super strict and serious, but my family is very laid back, funny, and a bunch of ___ disturbers. Anyways, after I make this comment he starts going off on women, and how they become easy with alcohol, and super rude things that he knows makes me crazy mad and usually is a sign he is spiralling. I try to ask him to drop it and watch the show, but he is going into a rage and has stopped listening.

After trying to explain and diffuse the situation several times I decided to remove myself from the situation and go to the bedroom, hoping he'll cool off but definitely not. He follows me in and starts screaming at me. Saying I have attitude, I brought this on myself, I know what triggers him. He has never screamed at me like that... .yelled, occasionally, cursed even, but he screamed like he was completely gone. He said he want to butcher me, I was making him so mad and he had his fist ready to punch my face. I honestly thought I was going to get beaten several times while he raged at me and I spoke in calm tones telling him he was being inappropriate and needed to calm down.

Eventually he did manage to calm himself down enough he wasnt threatening me. He insisted it was all my fault and needed fresh air. He took off had a beer and said he almost threw himself off a bridge [this was hours later when he came home and told me where he'd been].


So this is not normal. Mood swings yes, anger yes, ridiculousness yes, but this almost violence? I was not expecting that. He cried, said he is scared of himself, his anger. He said he is so ashamed of himself for hurting my feelings and damaging our relationship. Said he would never ever hurt me, and wants to make a plan to keep this from ever happening again... .


I am just so tired right now. He's taken his meds and is sleeping but I feel like this went beyond the normal and I need some advice. I was thinking I should put like a punching bag up in the room and a guitar and then he can be aggressive then calm down and just remove himself from the situation if he feels that level of loss of control again? Or make an "Appropriate" vs "Inappropriate" list of what he says or talks about?
I understand he has trouble with emotions and anger, but this was such a huge set off over literally nothing. I also need to be concerned for my safety.
Advice? Anyone?

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi pacifist and welcome.

That does sound like a very frightening episode.

I think before anything else you should be focused on your safety and have a contingency plan for violence. Your physical safety precedes anything in this situation. This could include having a place to stay if you continue to feel threatened with violence or even calling the police.

You say he has a dark history. As far as you know has he actually been violent to other people, such as his ex wife of children? Where were the children when this was happening and did they see?

~ROE

[pacifist]

Hi ROE

Yes he was abusive to his ex-wife. And his ex-mother in law at one point too. The kids were home but never saw him hit the x as far as he knows. They did used to yell in front of the kids though. She wasn't a saint, cheated on him etc... .but no one deserves that. He said at the time he didn't feel bad about it, but now he knows it was wrong... .

[Tattered Heart]

Hi pacifist,

I'm so sorry you went through this. I know how scary it can be to be in a situation like that. Your H and your story sound exactly like the scenario that brought me to this site.

Roland of Eld is right on with suggesting you set up a safety plan. Your H is sorry right now, but since has come close to violence, it may become easier and easier for him to do so next time, especially because he has a history of it. Your plan should include things like leaving your purse and keys somewhere that you can easily access them, getting out of the house when he starts to rage (even if it's just his usual rages), setting aside a little money and maybe even some clothes. I keep a bag in my trunk and some money hidden away in my car. Also, when he starts to get upset, try not to let yourself get boxed into a room or space without an exit. Your safety is most important.

Our Safety First document can help you come up with some other ideas for this.

I'm not sure if a punching bag would help. My biggest concern is that it would give the positive reinforcement of "I get angry. I hit." Then again, it could give him a way to release some of his pent up emotions. What kind of result are you hoping to come from it? Do you think he would really use it or would he still want to direct his anger and rage onto the person he perceives as causing it? Has he expressed a desire to use a punching bag?

How are you doing? Are you feeling scared around him now?