It's easier to accept the blame because I feel I can control things

[Starchild250]

     Hello members!
I spent a decade with this man before I saw the truth. I can't control the chaos and I can't make him better. It's a hard pill for me to swallow. I think it's easier to accept the blame because I feel I can control things. I'm scared. Mostly for my son and the behavior I've exposed him to by being blind.
     The most difficult part about trying to make things work in light of this information is loved and attached to someone who doesn't seem to share the same reality as me. Who reacts aggressively if I show the sadness that I feel. It's so lonely, but I love him and will never leave. I just need to cope and protect my son.

Anyone feel the same way?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LivingWBPDWife]

Sure -- you have lost a huge amount of time -- and all those feelings were basically for nothing. I lost over 8 years now. My BPDw only expressed BPD behavior AFTER our child, before it was more like depression, anger, mood swings, but she ALWAYS pretended to love me and NEVER took it out on me, because I would just kick her ass out! But, after our daughter, she let it all hang out, I learned about BPD, and now know she is one. She has weaponized our daughter, and although every day I try to work with my wife, its nearly impossible -- there's no really good answer here. But, #1 is to take care of yourself. I am in the situation where I MUST try to better our relationship for the sake of our 3 year old, but if I didn't have her, I wouldn't stick around -- its just a horrible way to live for a non-BPD.

I am a believer that BPDs can NOT love someone else, its not in their DNA. Maybe they can learn to exhibit the traits of love after years and years of DBT, meds, etc. But, its like they don't have the hardware -- so the only thing I would say considering you used the word DENIAL -- is the fact that you are in love with a fiction of a person -- BPDs are master manipulators and their emotional IQ is much higher that ours, they lack empathy, sympathy, etc. but they can "see" emotions and use them against you -- when you show love, sadness, etc. they feed off it, and instead of wanting to help you, they see it as an opportunity to exploit for more control, and payback.

Sorry you have a son as well, no child deserves to go thru this, they see the treatment -- my 3 year old says "don't be mean to daddy" all the time.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Starchild250 and welcome!   

My decade of denial just came to a close late last year and I understand everything you feel. I'm still working on swallowing that pill. You're right that blaming ourselves is in many ways much easier because we feel we retain some control of the situation, especially when there are children involved.

How old is your son and what is your partner's interaction with him like?

Ys,
ROE

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Starchild250

As you can see, there are a lot of people in your situation and dealing with the feelings that it provokes on us. 2-3% of the population has BPD, for me that means that 1 or 2 people on my subway wagon, probably 10 people on the subway have BPD. It's not that rare, but we live mental illness behind a curtain, and we keep things to ourselves.

But places like this one teach us that we are not alone.

We try to focus on what we can do, and not so much in what we can't. Logical, common things don't work, but new things we learn do work, or at least work better. Things can improve. Also, we understand better than most the frustration when the things that don't work pile up and crash us.

We all feel like LivingWBPDWife says many times, but not all the time, not everyday. I find solace in finding people who are going through the same, but I also learn to know my GF better based on the great differences between her and other people with BPD. Not one person is the same.

I hope you find here: support, encouragement, and tools to make your life better, and also you son's life.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Starchild,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone in your relationship. Many of us have been there. You've found a great place for support and encouragement. It's hard to feel hope when you can't see any light. I hope this site can help you find a glimmer of hope so you can climb your way out of the darkness.

What would you say is the main issue in your marriage? What causes your H to get angry the most?