Verbal abuse and threats

[Jubeju]

Hi, My daughter has been abusing me for so many years. It initially looked like a conduct disorder that became worse when my last and final relationship ended. I have been fearful to let anyone in to her life so decided to stay single. I called the police about five times and had six months of therapy support when she was in her teens and the physical abuse stopped. But since then, whenever she has become unstable she has sworn and threatened to stab, kill, glass... .me. She is now nearly 25. The latest episode began several months ago when her older brother  took her to task over her swearing at me. She now says that he has abused her and that I encouraged it. For me, her treatment of my grandchild has been the final straw. This is her brother's child and so she 'hates' her. She plays loud music when the baby is sleeping and swears in front of her. She leaves me little hate notes and tells me I have ruined her life. As an aside, I am a therapist well-versed in de-escalating and positive reinforcement. Knowing that she is unwell has made me tolerate so much, and I have worked so hard for the times that she is calm and accessible. She can be very nice, as long as there are no limits set. My youngest daughter moved out as she couldn't stand it anymore. I see everyone advising how to speak and I just wonder if I am alone in that she will not let me. If I try to talk to her, she slams her door, turns up her music or, if she is not in her room, threatens me if I don't 'get out of the way'. Last week, after repeatedly telling her that I will not tolerate her swearing and threats, I told her that she has to move out. It is breaking my heart! Since then she has completely stopped communicating except through swearing or threats. I think the tragedy is that I am well aware that abandonment is a huge trigger but I just turned 60 and am so tired and wrung out. I guess I'm hoping that I haven't done the wrong thing - it has obviously completely destabilised her and, despite it all, she is my child and I love her... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Aw, Jubeju!  Let me be the first to welcome you and to say I am so, so sorry for all this turmoil in your life.

You write... ."she is my child and I love her."  Those are words that all of us parents here echo.

You also write... ."knowing that she is unwell has made me tolerate so much"... .more words that are echoed here.

Bottom line, Jubeju, is that your daughter is 25... .she is living in YOUR house... .she is abusive.  That is totally unacceptable!  She is capable of making choices... .and so are you.  That was a realization I had to come to when my daughter's verbal abuse was escalating.

My role as a mother has been to teach and if I continued to accept my daughter's abuse, I was telling her that her treatment of me was okay.  It is NOT okay... .ever!

It is nice to read that you do have family support... .so good of your son to stand up for you over her swearing.

So, Jubeju, if what you have been trying hasn't worked... .maybe time to try something else.  There is so much info on this website... .maybe a lot you already know... .maybe somethings you don't.  Whatever... .hope you find this forum helpful... .a supportive group of troubled parents who will be your sounding board as you work out what it is you feel you have to do.

Hugs   to you.

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi Jubeju, welcome to this space.
     I can echo everything that Huat shared with you. Now a little of my own to share. I too am 60 my BPDD is 35, she lives with me. Reading your post, it could be mine, so similar. I too am a counselor and have a giant tool box to choose from. Some things work, some not. Since being here on the board I have learned so much,, so many different things to try. I will also repeat what Huat said about that "maybe time to try something new". It use to be for me that when my daughter was in a melt down or just refused to interact with me, I left her alone, until, eventually she came to me. Yes sometimes that takes awhile.
     I can totally understand the tired and wrung out. Remember your self care. I'm sure you are fully aware that as moms we give and give, we take a TON of crap. On occasion we need to stop! Take heart Jubeju we are all here for you. I'm hoping you find support here and validation for being the best mom you can be in a difficult situation. Please come back and share how you are doing, share the result of your decision to have her move out.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Jubeju, I’d like to welcome you along with the others.

It’s a minefield isn’t it? No matter what you say or do, nothing’s right, it’s so frustrating.

I had an incident once with some similarities to yours in that it involved my son and daughter but in my case it was an argument between the two of them. I stepped in when I felt that it was getting out of hand and I ended up having to protect my daughter. This was taken as a slight against him and my uBPD son accused me of not loving him because, in his eyes, I had sided with my daughter.

You have received some good advice from Huat, and I agree with her that no one should accept abuse from anyone, and in my view, most definitely not from a member of your own family. Bluek9 has shared some good information with you also.

Have you read up on boundaries?     You will find a link to the right under the ‘Tools’ heading.

[Turkish]

Hi Jubeju,

It's good that you stood up to her for your granddaughter, but where is your son in all of this? As a dad,  this should be his job,  as difficult as it is. 

You are right that abandonment is a huge trigger,  but the underlying emotion of a pwBPD is "I'm worthless and no one could love me." Shame. Have you taken a look at the communication tools in the lessons arty the top of the board? Trying to reduce conflict is good,  but everyone deserves to be safe,  even you as her mother. 

Turkish

[Jubeju]

Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for the love and support! I will have a look through all the resources and see where I can change 
Yes setting boundaries is so difficult with someone who has none and who is so reactive. She has started padlocking her door - ironic sign of projection as she has stolen my birthday whiskey (I could have used that) and money from my change jar 
In terms of where is my son - he does not understand the reactivity of this condition and tends to think that she can just grow up and change. I have sent him much information and he is trying (very!). On the day that daughter was playing loud music he was very prepared to step in but I did not allow as he tends toward confrontation and aims to force a backdown from her - which is not possible and will only escalate the situation. I have the trifecta with my kids - one on the autism spectrum, luckily high functioning but unable to manage the high emotions around her sister; and the son is OCD in his thinking - the world is very black and white to him and he struggles to understand the emotional minefield of BPD. So on this particular day of conflict, he was quite prepared to stand up but it would have resulted in my daughter feeling attacked and traumatised, with a fall-out of instability for weeks. My son would have gone home and then it would be me alone with someone who resorts to abuse to manage her discomfort.
I do realise that he needs to educate himself and he is trying to understand that it is not her choice to be this way. So I, as I am sure are many of you, caught between my children. Two won't visit my home and the middle girl just feels that her siblings and me are to blame. And she is completely unaware that it is herself that doesn't love her, not me! I do tell her I love her (through her closed door) - haven't given up yet. 

[Turkish]

So you've got three emotionally charged children... .my son is ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's). He is only 8. I'm looking forward to the teen years 

From what you describe,  it sounds like you did the right thing to step in,  but that is a heavy burden for you to continually do.  I don't know if you want to share this with your son as a link,  or process it and communicate it to him appropriately as you think he could take it,  but this might help.  See the Read More link to the discussion at the end:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

SET is a good first order tool to get under our belts.  Let us know if this is helpful. 

T

[Huat]

Wow, Jubeju, you have a lot on your plate!  Life is not fair and you are getting more than your share of unfairness.

Once again, I will say... .welcome on board.  Not many of our problems are quickly erased but sure helps to know that here we can pour out our hearts and get support in helping to get that eraser in place.

((HUGS) to you, Jubeju.  Hope this forum becomes an oasis for you... .a place where you will feel more refreshed and able to carry on.  We are listening.

Huat

[Jubeju]

Hi again,
I just wanted to let you all know how much this sharing has helped. I have moved from feeling angry and sorry for myself back to trying to maintain a moderate stance of compassion. The support and care has given me strength to carry on. In fact I have recently begun contemplating going back to study to do some research into early interventions. Thanks T for the links - I will check them out and thanks H for your warmth and understanding.
I have already recommended this place of safety and knowledge to my youngest daughter and will do the same for my son when I next see him.
I hope that you are all safe and well and really appreciate this help. J   

[Monster12]

The relationships with siblings are so difficult.  I feel sorry for my son who has had to deal directly and indirectly with his BPD sister his whole life.  Now he has nothing to do with her which is good and bad.  She thinks he is terrible for not responding to her attempts at communication.  I dread holidays.  I gave him some information from "Walking on Eggshells" and he was amazed that other people deal with the same things that we do. 

Jubeju, it's hard to maintain compassion when someone is attacking you.  I too feel better when I start typing here... .and I don't even post half of them.  It's hard for me to remember that I am not the person who is ill.   I'm so glad you feel better after sharing.  I also turn 60 this year and understand your exhaustion. 

My daughter lived with us for a year after college and it was a nightmare.  Luckily she was thrilled to move out.  But my question is, if we tell them to leave, where do they go if they have no money?  How do we leave them alone when, as parents, we still worry about their safety and well-being? 

[Daisy123]

Hello Jubeju,
You are so amazingly strong! You have made a number of sacrifices to keep the peace among your 3 children. You were able to recenter yourself after posting. And you haven’t given up on your daughter. I am in awe.

My DD19 was recently diagnosed, though we were told she had bipolar when she was 15. We, too have had plenty of police visits, and our first floor completely trashed by DD and holes punched into many a walls.

I am new to this sight and have found people who finally get it. That has been such a comfort. The feedback, encouragement and insight I have gotten from so many, here, has been so healing.

Please keep posting- let us know how it goes. Again, your compassion and commitment has encouraged me.

BTW- I shared with my husband a video I found on this sight, Back From The Edge, it seemed to really help him get (and myself) get a better picture of BPD. This might help your son. Someone one this sight suggested Listening with Empathy, both videos are on YouTube. This video helped my husband rethink confronting our DD. It’s a slow process learning ways of interacting for both of us.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders