Was by his side through divorce, now he's already seeing someone else

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I found the discussion boards a few weeks ago and I have been reading the discussions and lessons since that time.  They have lifted me out of a dark place but i have been hesitant to post because my emotions are so raw still and I feel so fragile.  Many of the discussions have resonated with me and helped me think through recent events in my r/s.

My story:  

We met last September through his Father who is my neighbor.  I remember thinking initially that he was not super attractive, but he quickly grew on me.  We exchanged numbers and he texted me later that same evening.  Everything was a whirlwind for the next few months.  I had reservations at first but put them aside as everything seemed to be going so well.  He was going through the last stages of a divorce (he thought) and it seemed to be moving along.  Little did we or he know it would drag on for months.  It will likely finally be finished next month.  He has grown increasingly stressed out and desperate for it to be finalized.  He has not managed the stress well and that is an understatement!  It is set for a hearing next week to resolve the remaining issue that has stalled it since I've known him.

His Ex is a master manipulator and has interfered in our relationship on a number of occasions.  I ended up blocking her on social media due to the interference.  She has manipulated him all these years and they have been married 29 years.  He has been done with the marriage since I've known him but of course is still grieving this.  I expressed concern in the beginning that we should wait until it was over and that he needed to play the field.  He believed he was ready to move forward with a relationship and felt he had played the field.  He filed for the divorce in February 2017 and dated/had relationships up until the time we met in September 2017.  Not much time I know.

Anyway, fast forward to today.  He has had reservations about the relationship for about the last couple of months.  He slowly started to detach although I did not see it right away and we did not openly discuss it.  Or, take that back, I guess.  He did try to express his reservations but quickly reversed himself.  This took the form of "breaking up" with me or telling me he needed distance, but as soon as I would start to back off, he would come forward (classic push/pull).  Every.Single.Time.  

So, we've limped along but no longer.  I needed to back off and talked to him about it Monday.  He said he felt we should end this and see other people.  I agreed but he appeared confused and reversed himself again.  He has expressed confusion about where we are, what he wants from the r/s and what his feelings are at this point.  It's been very difficult for me to feel the changes, etc. and give him space but I am doing it now.  The space is for me as well because I feel like I am losing part of myself in this.  I've told him I can't do "us" like this anymore.  

I am currently not contacting him and detaching and it has been very hard.  My week started with feeling a lot of anxiety and feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, but it has subsided somewhat, thank God.  I am leaning heavily on friends/family to support me and I feel like I'm doing better.  I am already seeing a T and have an appointment on Monday.  At some point I want to explore what my role in this has been.  I know I've been somewhat codependent and the other patterns are also concerning (below).  

I also know it sounds so much like idealizing and then discard.  He told me he is already talking to someone else although they have not dated.  I'm finding it hard to accept that he's already moved on so quickly and the thought of him seeing someone else makes me sick.  How could he do that so quickly?  Wow  

Anyway, I will end this but I'm sure there are lots of thing I've left out.  I will check in later after I run errands with my brother.  Thanks for listening and I feel better having told part of the story!

Outdoors Girl

[Outdoors Girl]

Hello,

I found the discussion boards a few weeks ago and I have been reading the discussions and lessons since that time.  They have lifted me out of a dark place but i have been hesitant to post because my emotions are so raw still and I feel so fragile.  Many of the discussions have resonated with me and helped me think through recent events in my r/s.

My story:  

We met last September through his Father who is my neighbor.  I remember thinking initially that he was not super attractive, but he quickly grew on me.  We exchanged numbers and he texted me later that same evening.  Everything was a whirlwind for the next few months.  I had reservations at first but put them aside as everything seemed to be going so well.  He was going through the last stages of a divorce (he thought) and it seemed to be moving along.  Little did we or he know it would drag on for months.  It will likely finally be finished next month.  He has grown increasingly stressed out and desperate for it to be finalized.  He has not managed the stress well and that is an understatement!  It is set for a hearing next week to resolve the remaining issue that has stalled it since I've known him.

His Ex is a master manipulator and has interfered in our relationship on a number of occasions.  I ended up blocking her on social media due to the interference.  She has manipulated him all these years and they have been married 29 years.  He has been done with the marriage since I've known him but of course is still grieving this.  I expressed concern in the beginning that we should wait until it was over and that he needed to play the field.  He believed he was ready to move forward with a relationship and felt he had played the field.  He filed for the divorce in February 2017 and dated/had relationships up until the time we met in September 2017.  Not much time I know.

Anyway, fast forward to today.  He has had reservations about the relationship for about the last couple of months.  He slowly started to detach although I did not see it right away and we did not openly discuss it.  Or, take that back, I guess.  He did try to express his reservations but quickly reversed himself.  This took the form of "breaking up" with me or telling me he needed distance, but as soon as I would start to back off, he would come forward (classic push/pull).  Every.Single.Time.  

So, we've limped along but no longer.  I needed to back off and talked to him about it Monday.  He said he felt we should end this and see other people.  I agreed but he appeared confused and reversed himself again.  He has expressed confusion about where we are, what he wants from the r/s and what his feelings are at this point.  It's been very difficult for me to feel the changes, etc. and give him space but I am doing it now.  The space is for me as well because I feel like I am losing part of myself in this.  I've told him I can't do "us" like this anymore.  

I am currently not contacting him and detaching and it has been very hard.  My week started with feeling a lot of anxiety and feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, but it has subsided somewhat, thank God.  I am leaning heavily on friends/family to support me and I feel like I'm doing better.  I am already seeing a T and have an appointment on Monday.  At some point I want to explore what my role in this has been.  I know I've been somewhat codependent and the other patterns are also concerning (below).  

I also know it sounds so much like idealizing and then discard.  He told me he is already talking to someone else although they have not dated.  I'm finding it hard to accept that he's already moved on so quickly and the thought of him seeing someone else makes me sick.  How could he do that so quickly?  Wow  

Anyway, I will end this but I'm sure there are lots of thing I've left out.  I will check in later after I run errands with my brother.  Thanks for listening and I feel better having told part of the story!

Outdoors Girl

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Outdoors Girl, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about your b/u and that things have come to an abrupt end.  It sounds hard on you and quite raw at present.  You have come to a great place to share your experiences and feelings.  I am wondering how you learned about BPD and why you think that your former SO suffers from it?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi and thank you for your reply,

Did I post in the correct place?

In answer to your question, there are lots of signs of possible BPD in his stbx (suicide attempts, instability in most of the marriage, multiple partners for her, leaving her marriage, etc).  I won't attempt to diagnose this because I am not a doctor, but there were obviously lots of problems.  Of course, I recognize that I am only getting 1/2 of the story as well.  I have wondered if he learned some of the patterns and instability while married.  He has been pushing me away and pulling me back for awhile now.  I know he was definitely afraid I would leave him. 

The abrupt change the week was his desire to see others or begin talking to others anyway.  Always in the past he didn't want to do this and we talked about it multiple times.

I can't find your post but I hope I answered your question.  I'm not all that familiar with the discussion formats on BPD yet, so please bear with me!   

I worry that I have fallen into the mode of caretaker in the relationship?  I'm not sure but everything has been about him for the last month or so at least.  This has left me wondering why I didn't question how I was willing to settle for this when my own needs weren't getting met.  I guess I always thought once the immediate crisis of finalizing his divorce was over that he would return to a more "normal" way of functioning.  But I have not seen that guy since around December.  I do understand everything going on however and have tried to support him in this.



 

[once removed]

hi Outdoors Girl, i want to join Lucky Jim and say

glad you decided to join and post! the benefits of a good support group are innumerable, and cant be overstated, so i hope youll stick around. im also glad to hear youre leaning on friends and family, seeing a therapist, and finding that some of the pain has subsided. do you find your support system to be pretty understanding overall?

its also wise to explore your role in the relationship; many will tell you that after working through the grief, doing so set them on a healing path. i think a lot of us can relate to falling into caretaker mode, and neglecting our needs; we explore this sort of thing on the Learning board (members need ten posts to post there) and i hope to see you there.

we are here to help you through the grief. have you had a chance to look through the lessons (links) to the right of the board? they make for a great road map.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Outdoors Girl-

I'd also like to welcome you here, and am very sorry that you're feeling so sad , disconnected and confused.  I noticed that you said your SO's Stbx may be BPD, is that correct?  If that is in fact the case, and he is just exiting a 29-year marriage (having separated in 2/17), and he says he's been "playing the field" since the separation, there may be some red flags here.

Let's look at this.  First, we can't be certain whether his stbx has BPD, but if she does, and the divorce has been contentious, then it's safe to assume his marriage was likely a mine field.  For 29 years.  Your SO's trust level is at ZERO at this point after being in an abusive relationship, because he likely has not done the hard work to heal from the abuse. 

When we "nons" endure years of abuse in these relationships, we can become completely lost and empty.  In my own personal experience, things that are not even at the core of who we are, become a part of us because we're struggling to survive.  If we don't do some strong recovery work, we remain at that low.  And no one can "fix" us.  You cannot "fix" the empty that became your SO.  I'm sorry.

29 years is a LONG time.  My marriage was 19 years.  There was some abuse during my marriage (emotional) and one physical act that ended it.  I waited 2.5 years before entering a relationship.  And lucky me - it was with a BPD man!  Oh the things I don't know... .

You indicate that a good portion of your r/s has been spent supporting him and comforting him.  And I am glad to see that you recognize your needs were NOT being met.  Did You have many  lighthearted, fun times?  Is he capable of that?  How have your other relationships been?  Sometimes we have to ask ourselves... ."is this the happiest I can be?"

Please do things that bring happiness to you.  Push/pull hurts the soul.  And if your SO wants to date like a teenager, there may not be much substance or meaning in there.

This is a difficult time for you.  Please take your time to care for yourself and work through steps toward detachment if you believe that's what will help you. 

Understanding why people behave the way they do is a true mystery.  In my humble opinion, although your SO tells you his stbx has BPD, he is exhibiting some of the traits. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[heartandwhole]

Hi Outdoors Girl,



I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the community. I'm sorry for what brings you here. I can relate very well to the abrupt turnarounds and sudden changes. That was the most hurtful behavior   to deal with in my relationship. You are not alone. 

I'm glad to hear that you are leaning on your friends and family and have a T to talk to. You sound very self-reflective as well. These are all actions that will speed your recovery.

The first stages of these kinds of breakups can make us feel so raw and fragile, as you say. But things do get better. We'll walk with you as you process this.

Keep posting. It helps to share what you are going through. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Outdoors Girl]

Thank you very much for your thoughtful responses.  It helps so much to know that there is support from people at this difficult time.  I feel like I am holding myself together with string, but the important thing is I am together I guess.  There is a huge, gaping hole in my heart and I am still so raw in my emotions.  I already feel a little better though and I need to concentrate on that.  One step at a time. 

Thank you to whoever renamed my thread. 

Thank you also Gemsforeyes for your thoughtful response.  I have read many of the articles and tools on the page and they have been helpful.  I have wondered about the traits of BPD that he is exhibiting although I always assumed that if he lived with a wife with those traits he might of learned some of that behavior.  It's time to take a hard look at that.  Twenty-nine years is a long, long time to live in such dysfunction and it has to have left a mark.

I have had several long term relationships and was married twice.  My first marriage was not healthy and he had an addiction.  I was pregnant when we were married and very young (19).  I quickly realized the marriage was not healthy and left when I was able.  My second marriage was better but there were issues in the end that could not be resolved and it ended as well after 7 years.  I was in a LTR for 10 years after that which was pretty healthy at the end.  The beginning left a mark that could not be overcome, however and I left this in January 2017.

After the LTR ended, I dated some, pretty casually, and then met this current guy through my neighbor in September 2017.  In thinking back now on some of this and having some clarity from the distance from it,  it has been up and down since January (cyclical?). 

I need to look a little harder at the diagnostic criteria, although in the end I guess the label does not matter as much as making sense of the history and coming to some resolution of it.  I will admit though that I was already wondering about this pattern.  It has required a shift in my thinking that I am making slowly.  Quite frankly and I don't mean to be negative if that is true my instincts are saying RUN!   

I hope I answered some of the questions.

Thank you for the support offered heart and whole and once removed.  I can sorely use it! I know I will not feel broken forever and I look forward to finding my confident, whole self!

[zachira]

I am sorry you are in pain from a relationship ending with a man who was in the process of divorce. I have often heard that men and women handle divorce very differently. A woman will often grieve the end of her marriage and wait a long time before she starts dating. A man will often dive right into dating, and date several woman before settling down. Let us know how we can help!

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi Zachira,

Thank you for your response.  After such a long marriage, I would expect he would be grieving.  I don't think he has much self-awareness (and that is an understatement).  I think he just flits from person to person trying to medicate himself.  He has been hanging on by a string for a long time.  Unfortunately although this current path might feel good in the short term, it will only cause further problems in the long-term because he hasn't done any healing.  But, I can't fix that and I need to worry about myself at this point.  It's an important shift for me and I'm glad I've made it.

I was really struggling with how it feels to know he has gone right on with his life.  I realize however that he will be dragging his personal baggage into his next fling.  Ultimately, it's not healthy but again, I can't fix that for him.  Nor can I think about it and dwell on it.

I'm not sure exactly how anyone can help at this point.  Reading the threads and learning about the behavior helps.  So too does seeing the parallel experiences and realizing it has happened to others and they are healing from it.  Realizing it is the illness and not him helps too. At some point I want to post about a "reality check" and the differences in what I thought/assumed about the relationship versus what I now see.

Did you have a similar experience?  If so and you would care to share it, maybe it would help both of us!

Hugs to everyone!  It really does help to talk about it!

 

[once removed]

Reading the threads and learning about the behavior helps.

if i can give some advice, ask questions. ask smart, targeted questions. post to others as youve been doing; it has an eerie way of providing yourself with your own insight that you werent even sure you had, and helps someone else in the process. connectedness helps. talking helps.

At some point I want to post about a "reality check" and the differences in what I thought/assumed about the relationship versus what I now see.

this would make a great topic on the Learning board. i can tell you though, that this will likely evolve as you heal and get emotional distance. im seven years out and it still occurs for me.

one day at a time  

[Outdoors Girl]

Thank you once removed, I will try to ask good questions whenever I see the opportunity!     Not sure how intuitive or astute they will be at this point.  I am sort of in a confused muddle but it's lifting slowly.

Seven years later huh?  Yikes.  It's very admirable that you are still learning.  I am a huge fan of learning, .  Sound like a nerd!

I have really admired the ability of the ambassadors/moderators to ask thought provoking questions!

[once removed]

Not sure how intuitive or astute they will be at this point.

work the lessons to the right of the board. theyre an excellent road map for grief, and self awareness about where we are in the process, with tools to probe, and im confident they will inspire a lot of thought and questions.

[Outdoors Girl]

As I work the lessons, I realize how much farther I need to go.  

Mornings are by far the worst time for me.  Each day I wake up I realize it is another day without him in it.

I have so many unanswered questions swirling around in my mind.  I am thinking about all of this so much I am actually almost ruminating about it.  Sometimes I think if I could just get answers I would be at more peace with it.  Realistically, I know this is probably not true.  There are likely no answers and logic can't be applied to this process.

I miss what we had in the beginning.  The first few months were like a dream come true.  I always wanted to experience that kind of love.  Letting go of the dream is hard.  Maybe the love from his side was/is not real, but I still want it back.  I know that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel.  I can't yet face the finality of it.  One day at a time is all I can do right now.

[heartandwhole]

I miss what we had in the beginning.  The first few months were like a dream come true.  I always wanted to experience that kind of love.  Letting go of the dream is hard.  Maybe the love from his side was/is not real, but I still want it back.  I know that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel.  I can't yet face the finality of it.  One day at a time is all I can do right now.

It makes a lot of sense to me, Outdoors Girl. And I know many others can relate. Your feelings are very understandable and normal for the circumstances. Letting go of the fantasy relationship I thought we were having was very painful for me.

I'd say the love from his side was likely very real. A pwBPD/traits often feels things very, very strongly. The problem comes when those feelings suddenly change or go away. In my experience, that is what caused so much stress and anxiety in me.

Be gentle with yourself. Recovery takes time, patience, effort. The self-compassion and wisdom you will gain is well worth the effort, though, in my opinion.

Also, something that really helped me when I arrived here was looking at what I had believed about the relationship. It's in Lesson #2. We have  very eye-opening article here: Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner has BPD

How are you coping with your feelings? Do you practice mindfulness or write them out, or something like that?

heartandwhole

[zachira]

You are doing the hard and painful work of looking at what happened, and how to have a better life. Your ex is avoiding looking at himself by medicating himself with new relationships. You are the person who is doing what you need to do to move on, and I admire your courage.

[Outdoors Girl]

zachira and heartandwhole,

Thank you for your replies!  I can't always get in the head space to reply right away but they are very welcome.

I am trying to make sense of it all and hope to be doing things that will help me to NEVER be in this position again!  I have no choice but to deal with my feelings because they are coming at me so fast and furious that I have no choice.  I remember grieving for the loss of my Dad this way too.  

I have started some mindfulness at least once per day, I am reading and thinking about everything I experienced.  Not sure it is always productive type thinking but it is thinking nonetheless.  I have started to just "sit" with my feelings so I am comfortable with where I am.  I WILL come out of this healthy and whole again!  Of that I am determined.  I'm tired of by broken self.  I want my confident, happy, beautiful inside and out self back!

I have read the article you suggested and did find it very helpful!

Thank you for admiring my courage.  It is as yet only a weak shell compared to formerly but it is headed in the right direction.  I see some light peaking up over the horizon now and everything does not look quite so bleak and gray.  

I am seeing a T on Monday and I am talking to friends and family for support.  Thank God for my sister, she has been great!  I am trying to do small things for myself.  The biggest thing I am focusing on right now is to not beat myself up over this.  I recognize I have a tendency to be too hard on myself and it would NOT be productive at this juncture.

Take care!

[zachira]

It seems that you are doing everything you can to heal, and at some point, will start to feel a lot better. I have tried both the mindfulness and therapy, and find them extremely helpful in healing and moving forward. I know several women who stayed single for a long time after a relationship with a unhappy ending, and now are in happy long term relationships. You will find your way for sure even though it feels very confusing and painful right now.

[wellwellwell]

It seems that you are doing everything you can to heal, and at some point, will start to feel a lot better. I have tried both the mindfulness and therapy, and find them extremely helpful in healing and moving forward. I know several women who stayed single for a long time after a relationship with a unhappy ending, and now are in happy long term relationships. You will find your way for sure even though it feels very confusing and painful right now.

zachira, as well as agreeing with your "medicating with relationships" insight above, I want to add that it helped to read this. I'm who is being really careful to avoid going back into another relationship for now. It's really, really hard in some ways, as it means I can't avoid some feelings that I'd be distracted from by the company and emotional intimacy, but it also feels like something I should have done a long time ago.

Outdoors Girl, don't be afraid to set expectations of your therapist. I met a couple who were really uninformed about BPD, and I was fragile enough at the time for that to have been damaging (lots of really, really nasty encounters with ex's Ts and marriage Ts). One said "I'm good at listening and trained in listening, and I think your problem is actually... ." and was just wrong. With the one who really knew BPD, the experience was completely different. Good as saved my life.

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all doing well.  I've had an exhausting day but I am slowly feeling better.  I had a long informative session with T who is very good about forcing me to think about me!  I've identified some things I want to look at with him and he has agreed to help me.  He also encourages me to be kind and gentle with myself.  I will work on this.  NO beating up,  . 

I feel like I am beginning to stop my almost ruminating about the r/s.  I'm not sure where life will go from here or how I will feel about everything in time, but I do know that I will look forward to it again at some point! I am sure that I will be able make decisions about my life with a lot more clarity and I know I deserve better than the half relationship I've been in for the past 1 1/2 months or so.  I have value and worth and I deserve better.

That's where I am today, getting stronger.  I'm going to focus on myself for awhile!

Take care!

[wellwellwell]

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all doing well.  I've had an exhausting day but I am slowly feeling better.  I had a long informative session with T who is very good about forcing me to think about me!  I've identified some things I want to look at with him and he has agreed to help me.  He also encourages me to be kind and gentle with myself.  I will work on this.  NO beating up,  . 

I feel like I am beginning to stop my almost ruminating about the r/s.  I'm not sure where life will go from here or how I will feel about everything in time, but I do know that I will look forward to it again at some point! I am sure that I will be able make decisions about my life with a lot more clarity and I know I deserve better than the half relationship I've been in for the past 1 1/2 months or so.  I have value and worth and I deserve better.

That's where I am today, getting stronger.  I'm going to focus on myself for awhile!

Take care!

That's great to hear.  A good therapist can really help. Be kind to yourself if you feel like you're slipping back.

[xyz-Girl]

As I work the lessons, I realize how much farther I need to go.  

Mornings are by far the worst time for me.  Each day I wake up I realize it is another day without him in it.

I have so many unanswered questions swirling around in my mind.  I am thinking about all of this so much I am actually almost ruminating about it.  Sometimes I think if I could just get answers I would be at more peace with it.  Realistically, I know this is probably not true.  There are likely no answers and logic can't be applied to this process.

I miss what we had in the beginning.  The first few months were like a dream come true.  I always wanted to experience that kind of love.  Letting go of the dream is hard.  Maybe the love from his side was/is not real, but I still want it back.  I know that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel.  I can't yet face the finality of it.  One day at a time is all I can do right now.

Outdoors girl,

I have been reading your post, still have a little more to go. This particular one reached to the bottom of my heart because I completely understand this feeling and to me, it is the most painful one. I think about why do I still have any hope? It sounds crazy to me, that even after everything that has happened, I can still miss us, the good and the bad. I also have some unanswered questions, the last weekend I saw him I tried to get them, he was not able to give me a concise logical answer, that’s when I realized he has no idea what he feels or wants from me. He did admit that he thinks he doesn’t know what love is... .and honestly, he doesn’t understand how is it that I love him so much. I think that at this point we are thinking about those moments were everything was good, but now if they come back, nothing will be the same. Maybe it was time for it to end, I want to know if you think you could have done anything different? I know I am not a saint either, and I keep feeling some guilt about some impulsive actions I took. Do you ever feel guilty?

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the replies.

Today I am grumpy and feel weak.  I am trying to remind myself that it is a process, one step forward, two steps back.  I know if I contacted him trying to get answers that there will be none.  He will be just as "confused" as ever.  God, I grew so tired of hearing that from him.  At the end, he could no more answer those questions than travel to the moon.  Nothing will have changed.

xyz girl: In answer to your question, I was stuck in feeling guilty but I am trying hard not to feel that way now.  Any sane person would have reacted the way we did given the circumstances.  I do not blame myself for falling in love, who wouldn't have given the whirlwind.  When we last talked a week ago Monday, I feel like I stepped out of myself and became someone I am not.  I hate jealousy yet I was consumed with it.  Why wouldn't I be at that point?  He admitted he was "talking" to someone else and I could sense him pulling away again.  It was a logical feeling at that point.  I am concentrating on giving myself a break from beating myself up.  For the most part, I would not change the way I handled things. 

What about you?  Is it possible for you to treat yourself with kindness in respect to this?  Guilt might lead to shame and we are humans with fallible emotions who do not deserve shame for our actions.

Thank you wellwellwell for your response, I am waiting for the feeling better part.

Thank you zachira, I think that is exactly the thing I want to avoid, self medicating with relationships.  I will march through this on my own and become stronger for it.

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi everyone,

I need to update my poor thread,  .  It's about to fall off a cliff.

I will be back this evening to do so!

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi everyone,

Time to write and process things while I do do.  I have been reading the tools and lessons and learning.  I have also read a lot of the descriptions of the diagnosed BPD behavior.  This does not sound like my ex.  I had a long session with my T and he stated he did not believe he fits the diagnosis either.  We did agree that his STBX however, displays many of the traits.  Of course, neither one of us can or will formally diagnose this.  This therapist is very familiar with BPD.  In the end, I guess it doesn't matter because my ex is still struggling with some very real issues around his divorce.  He has a long way to go in terms of his adjustment to this.  Someone here pointed out that his trust level is at zero.  I can understand and appreciate that.  I hope he has the courage to heal.

The best and only path for me at this time is to detach with love (I hope).  He has clearly said he is not ready for our relationship.  My T said he is likely very scared of it.  I understand this too.  I have resolved to concentrate on myself and put this on the back burner.  It will either develop into something in the future or it will not. I can't control the outcome.  By accepting that I might lose this completely, I have been able to let go.  I went 10 days without contacting him and I think this  gave us both some clarity.  He realized he was not happier with me out of his life and that is an important realization.  He is still confused.  I just want his happiness.  I will not be contacting him, I will give him and myself time and space.

He has stated he is not seeing anyone else.  I don't know about this but I believe him.  I think he needs time without clouding this with someone else.  He needs to concentrate on himself.  Hopefully he will do that.

When I started thinking back on all this, I see the immense changes in him after the divorce proceedings became very contentious.  He was fairly happy and goal directed when I met him.  As things got worse, he entered a crisis that has not resolved and he changed a lot.  Now it seems he is lucky to make it through the day. 

There is a lot more to the story but that is enough for now.  I feel better about where I am with all this than I have felt for the last 1 1/2 months.  I am going to let go and let God.

I am concentrating on myself.  I am going to my Aunt's cabin on the river this weekend for a getaway. I am taking good care of myself.  I am not letting him have space in my head all the time.  I will let this play out for awhile.  I hope to feel better soon.  I think I am on the right path.

Thanks for reading!  

[xyz-Girl]

Outdoors,

I am very happy you have better closure and want to focus now on you! I think that is the most important thing for us to do after a breakup. I know, it is easier to say than to be done but at least we are conscious about it. I am sad on the other hand because seems like you are collateral damage in all of this, seems this is also the case on many of us, but hold on there and now everything can only get better.

Good luck!

[Outdoors Girl]

Thank you xyz-girl!  I am glad you got some peace from your decision to send a text!  I am glad we met on this site and can talk about everything we are going through.  It truly helps!

I hope eventually I will not be collateral damage!  I will be strong and whole again either with or without him by my side. 

[heartandwhole]

I am concentrating on myself.  I am going to my Aunt's cabin on the river this weekend for a getaway. I am taking good care of myself.  I am not letting him have space in my head all the time.  I will let this play out for awhile.  I hope to feel better soon.  I think I am on the right path.

That sounds amazing, Outdoors Girl. I'm glad you are taking some time away and concentrating on yourself. That's a healthy attitude. Sometimes a little time and distance can really clear our vision.

It does sound like your ex needs time to process the ending of his marriage. I hope he takes as good care of himself as you are doing.

Keep us posted, and keep sharing your process. It helps all of us. 

heartandwhole

[once removed]

Time to write and process things while I do do.  I have been reading the tools and lessons and learning. 

good! hows it coming? what are you learning?

I have also read a lot of the descriptions of the diagnosed BPD behavior.  This does not sound like my ex.  I had a long session with my T and he stated he did not believe he fits the diagnosis either.  We did agree that his STBX however, displays many of the traits.  Of course, neither one of us can or will formally diagnose this.  This therapist is very familiar with BPD.  In the end, I guess it doesn't matter because my ex is still struggling with some very real issues around his divorce. 

as an FYI, most of us have undiagnosed, and subclinical partners. learning about the traits and behaviors, and discussing what we experienced can help.

When I started thinking back on all this, I see the immense changes in him after the divorce proceedings became very contentious.  He was fairly happy and goal directed when I met him.  As things got worse, he entered a crisis that has not resolved and he changed a lot.  Now it seems he is lucky to make it through the day. 

divorce is a huge blow. it can be like an identity crisis. sometimes one may look to escape the reality, the finality, the pain, but it catches up.