Newly married—need help coping with this psychological torture.

[alise3]

Hello,

I married my wife last month and she has been diagnosed with BPD. We married after only a month of dating, which I know is very sudden. However, I do genuinely love her. We have very good days and horribly bad days. Yesterday was one of the very bad ones. I feel overwhelmed and like I am losing my mind. I am trying as hard as I can to be supportive and there for her. But, I have to go to work and when I am away from her she seems to lose it. I am constantly feeling guilty and inadequate. In the month we have been married, she has suggested we get an annulment three times, all during a meltdown. I try and remember that this is not her and that it will pass. But it is so hard to listen to the horrible things she says to me when she is in this state. I cant just walk away or leave because I worry that she will self-harm and it will be my fault for leaving. I don't know who to talk to. Not only do I feel like I cannot talk to my family because I do not want them to think negatively of her, but I also feel like I just do not have any time for anything else. If I am not at work, I am trying to spend every second with her. I love spending time with my wife. But, I feel like I can't even go to the gym because I can't leave her by herself. She has a psychiatry appointment on Monday and I am going with her. But, she keeps going back and forth on whether or not she is still willing to go. I have been doing a lot of research and think she should be on an atypical antipsychotic. She is on Lamictal and it does not seem to be helping. She has a lot of drug allergies so I know we may have a long journey ahead. But, I can only hope that she is willing to stick it out.
I know she is going through a lot and I can't imagine. But, I need help coping with this psychological torture.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi alise3,



Congratulations on your marriage! I’m sorry that things are so difficult right now. It’s very tough to feel that you can’t leave your wife alone for fear that she might suffer. You’ve found the right place to learn skills to cope and take care of yourself.

The good news is that things can get better in your relationship. You are not alone.

Are your family and friends supportive? Can you turn to them when things are difficult?

Keep posting. It helps to share with people who understand. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Alise-

I'd like to welcome you to our BPD family.  You'll find good support here from friends who understand what you're going through.  I am deeply sorry for the pain and sadness you're feeling.

I hope that my response is not coming across as too intense.  I am not intending to be hard on you, but we sometimes have to be eyes wide open.

The first thing to really understand is that YOU are NOT responsible for your BPDw's illness or behaviors.  You didn't cause her illness... .she had this way before you ever met.  And you are NONE of the names she may call you.

At what point did she disclose to you that she had received a diagnosis of BPD?  And during that disclosure, how did she explain her illness to you and what steps she takes to heal herself?

There are a ton of tools on this site to help the "non" - that's YOU - to better understand the illness.  Look to the right and begin reading the tools when you have time.  One of the most vital things for your mental health is that you need to practice self-care, first and foremost!  In addition, certain tools will provide great assistance with improving communication- and you'll both need that.  You're at the very beginning of this relationship and boundary setting is in order if you're going to have any kind of life.  This decision is in your hands, because for all intents and purposes... .you're the adult here.

You'll eventually learn that if she carries on with the annulment threats, and if you find that option sounding more appealing, there will be a way for you to either validate that option or diffuse that bomb - your (or her) choice.

You must maintain relationships (both family and friends) outside your marriage.  Please be careful to NOT allow yourself to become isolated.  The isolation factor is key for your own wellbeing.  Yes, there will be judgement over the quickness of the marriage, so just get that topic out of the way and carry on.

I would also suggest the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It's pretty much a "must read".

Again, I cannot stress enough that  you are NOT responsible for another adult's behavior.  If she chooses to self-harm, that is her choice.  The threat to self-harm pretty much warrants a call to the authorities for assistance.  Her choice to self-harm would NEVER be your fault.  You can make clear your concern over her threats to hurt herself, so you have to call 911.

Her emotional dysfunction and turmoil is hers.  And it's affecting all of your life.  If she refuses to go to the psychiatrist, you're going to need to think good and hard about how you want your life to look.   You're getting a good look at it.   Is her refusal to get psyche help a boundary for you?

If you weren't married, and were in the second month of dating, what would you do in this situation?

This is a LOT to process, I know.  I'm sure all of this is bouncing around in your head right now and I'm sorry.  There is hope, but your BPDw has to be a partner in her healing. 

I wish you all the best.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you right now. I can imagine that it's scary not knowing how your W will respond if you are gone. You've found a great place for support.

Is she threatening to harm herself only after a fight or throughout the day while you are at work?

[upissideways1]

I just want to let you know that I've been there!  When I got married it was like a switch flipped and the torture began. I turned into something I wasn't and I gave up so much of myself trying to 'solve' the problem when in reality, that isn't my job and it isn't even possible for me to do! I, too, called out of work because I was worried about leaving him alone during some depressive episodes. I let myself get isolated - literally quitting my job, breaking my lease and getting rid of most of my things to move into a car at his demand because he told me that I needed to fix it. I was happy to leave because it meant I could stop letting down all of my friends and family who were wondering why I was never around any more. I started believing the things he was saying about me, believing that I was a cold, horrible person who was incapable of love. We spiraled down together into a dark dark place... I know that some of the reason we ended up there was because I let myself go there.  I put so much focus on him that I just sort of lost myself... .

I guess I'm telling you these things sort of as a cautionary tale... .It took me 5 months to find this site and some of the things listed above (all of what Gemsforeyes said is so very important!) which have helped me so soo much and pretty much saved me and my marriage. I understand how terrifying it can feel to be in the position you're in.  You have so many more options then "abandon her" or "continue to live in 'torture'".  Read up on your options and try different ways to communicate.  Decide what you want and then work towards it.  It can be done!  I've done it!  I am by no means in a perfect relationship (s) but much more of our time together is happy and the fights we have don't go nearly as bad as they used to.

Some specific advice on the annulment thing?  Once I stopped being afraid of the divorce threats, they stopped coming.  I must have accidentally validated him bc I didn't yet know what validating was.  But I just didn't fight him on it.  I let the idea sit with us, we discussed it and the feelings behind it, and then it wasn't the weapon that it had been anymore.

Best of luck! Use this site for all the wisdom that it has to offer. I believe in you!

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi, I wanted to chime in quickly to tell you, I often said your very same statement, after our wedding, “we have really good days and then really bad days”. When it was good, it was good, and the bad was really bad. My spouse is undiagnosed, uBPDh. He is also controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive.
It’s not you. Remember who you are, always.
Dig

[alise3]

Thank you all so much. I am struggling so much right now. It seems like things are just getting worse and worse. My wife has a psych appointment today at 1:30 pm. However, keeps switching back and forth as to whether or not she is going. My family is there for me. However, it is hard to vent to them, not only because I know they already have some resentment because I "am not myself" anymore but because I never really see them. I am always either at work or rushing to get to my wife because I am worried me being away will cause a fight. I am so exhausted. I vent with my mother in law, since she is experiencing most of it as well. However, most of the time, my wife thinks we are conspiring against her and becomes almost paranoid.
I have not ordered "How to stop walking on eggshells", But I did buy " Loving someone with BPD" and "I hate you, Don't Leave Me". I loved reading the first one. But, I haven't gotten very far because I do not have the time. 
This is feeling like a full-time job and I already have an actual full-time job. I know I need to set boundaries. But, it is just so hard.

I have recently realized that I have a love addiction. So, my addiction combined with my wife's BPD, is the perfect disaster. I already feel like I need to please her in order to feel like I matter. She takes advantage of that and I feel like I cannot set boundaries. So, although she told me about her disorder before we were married, and I am a Psychology student, my own addiction, need to feel loved and delusion that I " can fix her" clouded my judgment just long enough for me to agree to get married. I do not feel that she intentionally manipulated me or tricked me. I just acknowledge that our diseases/disorders together were bound to have this toxic outcome.   

This morning, she said she was going to drive to San Francisco, which is about 8 hours away and do a turnaround. All to go to the Facebook HQ because her facebook got hacked and she cannot access it. This on its own has been the latest " end of the world disaster". I am incredibly proud of how much my patience has increased since meeting my wife. But, I cannot handle her having a meltdown over a social media account.

I decided to just go along with it and ask her to be safe and keep in contact with me. She responded with "no". Then went on to tell me how she cant trust me and I do nothing but hurt her. How she can't trust anyone and cant handle anything anymore. I just told her that she can handle it, she's strong and that I am not against her but on her side. She hasn't responded. But I text her mother and she said she is in bed.

I am just so exhausted and need help figuring out how to set boundaries. I mean if she is constantly threatening self-harm and it never goes further than very light cutting, am I wrong to take them so seriously?
Her mom keeps telling me that if she chooses to self-harm, it is her choice and not my fault. That all I can do is tell her I love her and I am here for her.
This is making me feel like I shouldn't take these threats very seriously because her mother, who loves her unconditionally and entirely, doesn't jump up and coddle her when she makes these threats.  If I don't leave work, stay up for hours watching her like a hawk, gently, physically restrain her or blow off all my plans every time she makes these threats am I a terrible wife? am I a uncaring person?

I literally fit in all my other errands/responsibilities (and hers) into my breaks and lunch during work. I used to nap during my lunches and it was my favorite part of the day. Now, I spend it cramming in the rest of my life. I havent been to the gym practically since we got together, which used to be my stress relief at least 4 times a week.

I have already become isolated. and to answer one of your questions, If we were not married and just dating, I would still want to try and work this out with her. However, I am sure she would constantly be breaking up with me and I know that would just destroy me due to abandonment issues.

So, do I feel more pressure since we are married? yes. I took vows and I intend to keep them. But, it would be much easier to not have to constantly factor in the legalities added with marriage.

I can go on and on but will stop because I cannot wait to read your helpful and understanding responses.

thank you so very much.

[engineer]

Wow... .I think I could have replaced a few words in your posts and everything you said would apply to me.

I am also newly married (this past September).  This is a full-time job on top of my already much-more-than-full-time job.  I fit in life in between work while I am at the office.  When I am at home I am an emotional babysitter, constantly giving my wife the attention she so desperately craves.  When I leave home for any reason my wife becomes very unstable and I am never sure what will happen.

But... .I would not trade my her for anything and I do not regret for one second marrying her.

The things I have learned here and from my counselor have helped me to deal with the very different way my wife's mind works.  I think I have gained a lot of empathy for her -- my life is relatively easy because I can spend every thought dealing with reality, but her mind is so clouded by powerful emotions that it seems she almost cannot sort out what reality is.  I am not sure I would do as well as she does if my mind were so clouded.  And through it all, she is just a fantastic person and I love her completely, with all her faults.

We have a LOT of difficulty still, but I see progress.  She is working on what she calls her "monster"... .but realistically change is coming from me.  I can choose how I react to the scathing criticisms that she perceives as very loving and I can choose what I do when she goes nonlinear and stops making any sense. 

I DO NOT do this very well yet, but I am getting better.  Yesterday I was out buying a car for my oldest son.  I called her because I wanted to pay cash for the car and I wanted to discuss it with her first.  I got one sentence out and she exploded in a critical, belittling diatribe.  I took it badly and we ended up with several hours of emotional dysregulation.  Later she said "I don't understand how car financing works in America so I got upset and told you so in a very loving way, but you think everything is a criticism; What is wrong with you?"  Heh.  Very typical.  So, yeah... .it is really hard for me to reroute my perception from blistering criticism to a very kind statement of confusion... .but when I succeed two things happen: 1) she feels heard, and 2) she doesn't go on a rage.  Sometimes it feels a little like we are redefining the English language, but... .that's ok.  Would I go to less effort if she spoke Chinese?  Nope.  I would try very hard to learn her language.  And so I am trying very hard to learn my wife's language.

I made an attempt this morning to point out that her words do not actually convey the love she intends them to, but I abandoned that effort when steam started to shoot out of her ears.  I am thick-headed sometimes.  My entire life's experience has been that reason wins in the end, so I keep trying reason.  But... .it will never win with her, so continuing to try it is my own foolishness.

[alise3]

IF YOU ARE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT HAVE THEIR BPD UNDER CONTROL, DO NOT WAIT AROUND! THEY ARE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES THAT WILL SUCK THE LIFE AND WILL TO LIVE RIGHT OUT OF YOU!
IF YOU ARE ON THIS WEBSITE IT MEANS YOU ARE A CARING INDIVIDUAL AND YOU DO NOT NEED THIS CRAP.
I MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE AND MARRIED THE PERSON I WAS DATING. THIS DIVORCE IS VERY STRESSFUL AND INCONVENIENT BUT SO WORTH IT TO NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN.
DON'T FALL INTO THIS TRAP. ONCE YOU FINALLY LEAVE THEM, AND REALIZE THAT THEIR ISSUES ARE NOT YOUR FAULT NOR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, YOU WILL LOOK BACK AT THE RELATIONSHIP AS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE.

[Skip]

THIS DIVORCE IS VERY STRESSFUL AND INCONVENIENT BUT SO WORTH IT TO NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN.

Have you filed for divorce?

It's been a whirlwind... .meet in January, marriage in February, divorce in May... .bring us up to date.