Is it possible that these standards for men’s behavior is altered in a pwBPD?

[Nwish]

Hi Everyone - I haven’t posted in a while but I’m still having a hard time and still overthinking everything about my relationship with an ExBf. I keep reading blogs and stories with advice to run away from anyone who can’t commit or leaves a relationship and needs time. The advice is that any man who wants to be with someone would know what they want and if they have to “think” or “need space” , or jump suddenly into another relationship, then you must be their second choice.

This tears me up. I know my ex loved me but also had very low self esteem. His actions were hurtful, but we ended up on ok terms. I took everything in stride and remained calm even though we went through a lot to be together.

Is it possible that these standards for men’s behavior is altered in a pwBPD? Could I be a first choice that he is incapable of being with? I know I have insecurities if I’m worried about being a second, or backup choice. I just want to run even further away in order to not be taken advantage of. Any advice about this is appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostandconfused6]

I absolutely believe that someone with BPD goes against the "normal" standards and expectations in a relationship. Just look at how taxing and sometimes impossible day to day activities can be for someone that has BPD and when you throw strong emotions into the mix it's a whirlwind. There whole thought process typically varies from someone that is a non so you can't possibly hold them to the same standards as someone that doesn't suffer from any sort of personality disorder.

That is my opinion from my experience and research.

[once removed]

I keep reading blogs and stories with advice to run away from anyone who can’t commit or leaves a relationship and needs time.

not so simple, or helpful, is it?

the internet is full of bad/unhelpful advice and relationship "rules", urban legends about relationships, and junk psychology.

im not a big believer in "running". running is fear and avoidance. its not problem solving or decision making. you dont have to run in order to not be taken advantage of; you need to live your boundaries and your values (our boundaries come from our values).

you mentioned you hadnt posted in a while and i read some of your back story; where are things at right now?

[Nwish]

Thank you both for your replies.
Yes - too much reading. One thing I read makes me feel positive while another more negative.

At Christmas, he was out of his distraction relationship and trying to explain things to me, but in the typical parodoxal way. Not much made sense. Then he told me he loved me as a friend, and he was tired of hurting me and we can’t be together bc he ripped my heart out. I stayed over that night but he acted “hands-off” for the first time.

I reached out two times in Jan to see how he was doing and he replied right away, but I haven’t heard a peep from him since then and I stopped reaching out. I feel bad bc he told me I was his only friend and I know he is selling his house and going through a lot. I just feel like he has to take some responsibility.

So right now, I’m in a tunnel of eviceration (is that a word?)... .I feel in limbo although I shouldn’t. If he wants me in his life he knows where to find me... .and if he’s staying away out of respect, we’ll that hurts more.

[once removed]

theres a lot of shame involved with BPD. its often referred to as a "shame based disorder". it sounds like theres a lot of that in the things he was saying to you. it sounds like he was vague, and that may be why it was so confusing.

it sucks. in this case i think youre wise not to pursue, and to give space.

I feel in limbo although I shouldn’t.

what do you want to do about this?

[Nwish]

Sounds like a lot of shame - always has. Not feeling like he could provide what I had in the past. I’m not sure he even knows why he had to flee the relationship. I had no warning... .He’s told me he wanted me to depend on him more, I’m not his type, he unintentionally broke up with me, he loved me so much, his family loves me and I’m good for him, he never cheated on me, he has a void that can’t be filled, don’t wait for him bc he can’t be happy... .etc. I ruminated for so long as to whether he was trying to let me down gently so I wouldn’t hate him or if he really was saying all this so he could have a chance again someday. Maybe I stress him out?

I know I have a choice to not be in limbo. The problem is that I’m going through a divorce because I chose him. My husband and I are great friends, but we don’t have a couple love that represents a marriage to my son. It’s not a bad situation, but I made a choice to be with this pwBPD because I loved him. I’m still separated and I don’t just want to give up. He was always jealous of my husband and started resenting my life and son, even though I clearly chose him. I feel like I failed. Our relationship was not conflict stricken at all. I think he didn’t know what to do with “calm”. It’s almost like he’s looking back thinking “what was I doing?” Or “I was so sure that’s what I wanted” and thinking he must not have loved me like he thought bc stress was building as the divorces got closer.

[Jessica84]

Non-BPD relationship advice is the worst. I stay away from those sources of advice. It only confuses me. These aren't typical men with typical male behaviors. BPD has its own unique "rules".

Try not to despair. How your guy feels in one moment may not be how he feels the next... .so guessing is like trying to hit a moving target. It changes constantly. Instead, consider how YOU feel, how you can take the best care of YOU (and your son). Divorce is life-changing for anyone. Emotions run high. A person with healthy coping skills can handle these emotions as they come, an unhealthy person (BPD) will likely be rocked harder by it.

Mine has the same struggle with "calm" as he does with drama. He needs both, but both overwhelm him. So there has to be a balance there somewhere. Calm = Safe. He never feels safe - so sure he will be abandoned. So when things are too calm, he gets nervous and starts causing chaos (unintentional breakups is a good example)... .until it's too much to handle and the shame/regret kicks in. It's like a kid playing with matches! The best we can do is protect ourselves from getting too burned.

[Nwish]

Thank you all -
I haven’t talked with him since mid Jan and haven’t seen him since Christmas, so I’m kind of giving up hope. He could be thinking he’s doing it out of respect for me, but it doesn’t matter. He wouldn’t have wanted me this Removed for this long if he wanted to be with me. Even if he couldn’t be alone he would reach out, so I don’t know... .it’s just sad and feels so unnessecary. He will just go on this way forever and there is nothing I can do to remind him that he was on a good road. How do you tell someone they are your only friend and then never bother to even say hi once in a while?

[Jessica84]

Have you reached out to him? What if you were to call him or send a text? After a breakup and some time had passed, I might send a generic text like "Happy New Year" or "how's it going?", then gage from his response whether he was ready for contact... .and whether it was a polite, vague response or an opening to talk more.

[Cromwell]

well dont get too disheartened. mine went off the radar for 6 months then got back in contact from out of nowhere. before that happened, we werent in a relationship more than having casual sex and wed text a lot, but my theory is that she found someone and probably had to block people like me out her life to reinvent herself with whatever victim she had found. then when it all went wrong, she still had my number (id deleted hers) and we met up, she had gained weight significantly and although tried to put on a show i could tell she was depressed.

sorry for going off on a tangent there slightly but basically from my own experience how it works is you can expect to not hear anything from people like this for quite a substantial amount of time, but that doesnt mean you arent on their list to come back to when the chips are down. i reckon it is likely hes probably got someone at the moment. it might be good to see when you get the text or call out of nowhere you can guage just how long the average victim can cope with him for .

Cromwell

[NGU]

I keep reading blogs

the internet is full of bad/unhelpful advice and relationship "rules", urban legends about relationships, and junk psychology.

Nwish:

Once Removed nailed it. In case you need a "+1" on avoiding armchair experts, here it is. A big red flag is a one-size-fits-all rule. Relationships are endlessly complicated; filled with substantial nuance. No one can tell you definitively what to do. You are the expert on you and whoever you're in a relationship with.

You might be saying to yourself, "I'm no expert. Look at how bad this has turned out." Well, you have more detail in your brain than you can ever write down. You may just need some assistance. Which is exactly why this forum exists.

Waiting is excruciating. In relationships with or without BPD attached. Maybe wake up tomorrow, ask yourself if you can wait another day, and then get through the next 24 hours. Because something interesting can happen after a while: the perfect time or situation arises when you'll get to have contact. Out of the blue.

I'm not saying it will happen, or that you should embrace being passive/avoid contacting him... .but at least in my own relationship history, the frequency of these out-of-the-blue scenarios is surprising.

Personally, I'd say you haven't waited long enough, or done enough, to give up. There are still too many questions floating around, and you are still in that he-isn't-contacting-me-but-I-can't-contact-him stage. Give up now if you want, but I bet you'll still have daily nagging doubts. Removing one misery and adding another. Does that sound accurate?

-ngu

[Nwish]

NGU - Yes - this sounds accurate - I’m not ready to give up, and I do have a lot of detail. I feel like I know him, but then again... .
I want to contact him so much. While he was with his distraction relationship (as he calls it), I would get contacted out of the blue, or something added to our calendar, etc. I feel like every opportunity I had to talk with him was just wasted by me though. Like I froze and never got the information I wanted (even though it was always changing and didn’t make sense anyway). This is my biggest regret. I never told him what I wanted at the end. I still have his things and he has some of mine, still have the calendar. Maybe he feels like he let me down and is trying to be nice.

I don’t like guessing but at the end he had no romantic feelings even though weeks before that he was all over me and “I was the one, marry me, etc”. He was hurt that his other relationship failed? Needed my emotional support? Who knows. I’m trying not to be in denial. Two weeks ago he got a pickup soccer game together (our thing) and asked our former teammates, but not me.

Jessica84
 - I do want to reach out and did several times in Jan. He would always text back and ask how I am, etc. I’m at a point where I want to know if he wants me in his life or just replying out of friendship/ courtesy. I know I’ve talked to you before and you encouraged me to be the one that does the work - I’m scared, honestly.

Playmistyforme-
He’s already been in another relationship that failed- it’s possible that he is with someone else or back with her, but it Didn’t sound like it. He started texting me and when I wasn’t all in, it’s like he decided to take control of it. I’m just surprised it’s gone this long. That’s why I think maybe he was just trying to have that final conversation with me to alleviate the guilt since we got divorces to be together.

Once Removed - thanks for your input.

Sorry - i haven’t fully mastered the art of pasting “quotes” to reply to. I will keep posting, it’s nice to have the support.